“When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”
—JOHN GRAY
Stop telling your husband what to do, what to wear, what to say and how to do things, even if you think you’re helping. As much as possible, mind your own business. Recognize that when your urge to control him comes up, you may be feeling fear that isn’t appropriate to the situation.
Write down five situations where you have been controlling with your husband recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario? Did needing to control the situation justify losing intimacy with your husband? Practice facing your fear and relinquishing control of your husband to create room for intimacy, and to become the best person you can be.
Just underneath the urge to control is fear—big fear. I’d go so far as to call it terror. But what is it we’re so afraid of?
Many women are terrified that their husbands won’t know how to perform everyday duties properly when left to their own devices. These women are convinced that their husbands are so inept that they are a perpetual threat to the whole family’s well being—unless the wives step in. Everyday I see exhausted, exasperated women who insist that unless they manage how their husband does everything—be it parenting, tracking the finances, performing in his job, or even brushing his teeth—things will fall apart.
Some women say they are afraid to leave the children with their own father while they go out because they’re “sure” he won’t bother to make them a proper dinner or put them to bed on time or check to see that their homework is completed. Others doubt their husbands’ ability to plan an enjoyable evening out or to negotiate a good deal on a car. I have to smile when women tell me these kinds of concerns, because I remember not too long ago, I thought the same way. Now I challenge those familiar fallacies by asking “Do you think he would let the kids starve? Do you think you’ll go bankrupt buying a minivan?”
As irrational as it sounds, the short answer to those questions is, “Yes.”
Women feel the need to control because they fear that if they don’t take matters into their own hands, their needs will go unmet.
It is possible that your husband is thoughtless or inept, but until you give him your complete trust over a sustained period of time, you can’t be sure. Chances are he is a great guy who spends most of his time defending himself against your criticism. Until you stop trying to run his life, you’ll never know what it’s truly like to be married to your husband. I am not saying that you are the cause of your husband’s shortcomings. Your husband is always completely responsible for his own actions. If he is a poor father or neglects his family, that is not his wife’s fault. At the same time, if you are nagging, undermining, criticizing, or disrespecting him, you are crushing his confidence, intellect, and potential—both emotionally and financially.
THE “NO-CONTROL” DATE
“I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life, specifically the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, and I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back, turn back, you’ll die if you venture too far.”
—ERICA JONG
My own terror was so strong that I had great difficulty going with my husband on what we called the “no-control date.” My therapist encouraged me to experiment with the concept of trusting my husband by agreeing to go on a date where he made all the decisions—just for one night. On this particular date, he was to tell me how to dress and what time to be ready. He would also drive, pick a restaurant, order for me, pay, and plan any other activities for this one evening. This would give me the opportunity to relax and practice trusting him to be in charge for a change.
It would also prove that despite my superiority complex, my husband would indeed give me what I needed and wanted, right down to ordering my favorite meal for dinner. Agreeing to do this exercise meant I would deliberately be vulnerable—a state that I would normally do anything to avoid.
The therapist must have known that I would have trouble letting go when she assigned the exercise. She must have realized that my habit of calling all the shots would be hard to turn off, even for one night, and that it would be impossible to sit with my fear.
I did so poorly with this experiment that by the time we were backing out of the driveway, I had already figured out where John was taking me and I was telling him the best way to get there. At the restaurant, I told him where to park and squirmed anxiously in my chair as he ordered the dinner I had strategically mentioned appealed to me.
The service that night was abominable. The food took far too long and the waitress ignored us. I told my husband I would ask to speak to the manager and get him to give us our dinners for free because of the extraordinary wait. John assured me we were in no hurry and that he was happy to pay for the dinner. He said he was just enjoying the opportunity to sit and talk with me!
I was beside myself with anxiety. When we finally left the restaurant, I begged him to please take me home (instead of to the movies as he had planned) because I was so distressed. But why was I terrified to be out on a date with my husband? It made no sense!
At no point during the evening was I in any danger of being hurt, embarrassed, bored, deprived, or even having to eat something I didn’t like. But to see how I acted, you might have thought I was going before a firing squad. That’s how big my fear was.
In reality, my terror had nothing to do with him. I was with a man who knows me well and wants me to be happy. In fact, I was terrified of being out of control long before I met him.
Dominating a situation, however ungraciously, somehow made me feel grounded and safe in an unpredictable world. Finally, as I tried to give up my unpleasant behavior, I learned to dig a little deeper when my urge to control came up and simply say that I was afraid. Unfortunately, this was only a little better in terms of healing my relationship and restoring intimacy. It wasn’t until I discovered my “trust muscles”—and started exercising them—that I started to get the connection I’d always wanted.
When Amy talked about her husband, she explained to me that there is always a reason she needs to control his actions. The reason he should eat less red meat is because it’s better for his health. The reason he should take one route to the city and not the other is because it would save time and hassle. The reason he should install the curtains her way is because it’s more efficient.
The real “reason” Amy can’t stop controlling her husband is because she’s terrified that if she relinquishes even the tiniest bit of control for a minute, she will lose something precious to her. In this case, she fears losing her husband to heart disease, or having to wait for him because he doesn’t know the efficient way to get to work or fix up the house. Like most controlling people, Amy is very bright, and has a distinct set of ideas about what should happen, and how.
Telling her husband how to do things provides her with the illusion of safety, but what she has also done is signaled to him that she doesn’t trust him.
THE SEVEN HABITS OF A HIGHLY EFFECTIVE SHREW
“If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.”
—LISA MORIYAMA
There are many ways to be controlling, and I’ve probably tried them all.
Years ago my husband told me a story about a couple he observed while waiting his turn for a haircut that illustrated just how controlling I could be. While the barber was trying his best to cut the man’s hair, his wife was standing by giving the barber explicit instructions. “Not too short in the back,” she told him, “and make sure it doesn’t stick out on the top!”
Several other men were waiting for haircuts as well, and when the barber finished and the couple left, everyone sighed with relief. My husband got in the chair next and told the barber, “My wife couldn’t be here today, so you’re on your own.”
Even though I recognized myself in this story, I wasn’t able to change my seven shrewish habits. I couldn’t seem to keep from (1) talking on my husband’s behalf and making decisions for him. I told myself that it was a good thing I did, or he would be a mess. Sometimes I would resist uttering criticisms, but (2) give my husband a disapproving look. This seemed less offensive to me, but not to him. When I tried to stop giving him “the look,” I started (3) asking questions that seemed innocent enough but clearly conveyed my disapproval. (i.e., You’re going to wear that?) I would (4) try to explain to my husband what I would do if I were in his situation, hoping that he would do what I thought he should. I’ve made (5) countless unsolicited suggestions, (6) gasped in the car while he was driving, and (7) frowned at the lettuce he bought, all in the desperate, futile attempt to modify his actions.
None of those tactics got me the intimacy I craved. Instead, they annoyed my husband. It seemed like John was always waiting for me to decide what we should do, and then dragging his feet once I did. I might have been getting some things done my way, but now John was dependent on me. I was exhausted from doing everything and lonely because I was doing it all by myself.
If your husband doesn’t speak up when he gets a haircut or doesn’t pay attention to the route when he’s driving, it could be because he’s always expecting you to pipe up. If you jump in and tell him what to do because you think he can’t figure it out, you are encouraging him to cruise while you maneuver. If he hasn’t already, he will lose the impetus to do things for himself because he knows that his wife-crutch is always there.
You might argue that it’s a two-way street. You could say, as I have before, that if he would stop being so obnoxious or lazy, you wouldn’t have to get after him and “help.”
Perhaps you think someone should write a book for men explaining how they can be more responsible husbands.
Perhaps someone should.
But you couldn’t make your husband read it, or do what it says. So your only chance of improving your marriage is to change your behavior. I’m reminded of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change [like my husband]
The courage to change the things I can [like myself]
And the wisdom to know the difference [between him and me].
RESPONDING TO HIS CRAZY IDEAS
He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, “You’re the boss.”
—ANONYMOUS
One of the most difficult things about relinquishing control is that we don’t always know when we’re being controlling.
Letting your husband know how little regard you have for his ideas is the most dangerous and subtle form of control. When you squash your husband’s ideas you are telling him you don’t trust him. Without trust there can be no intimacy. Therefore, one of the keys to relinquishing control is to respect your husband’s thinking.
Your husband may make a pronouncement that sounds silly. He’s human and he deserves the space to think about things, concoct crazy schemes, and make mistakes, just as you do. We all need the freedom to muse out loud about whatever it is we’re thinking. So, the first step in respecting your husband’s thinking is to let him think out loud without criticizing, laughing at, dismissing, or insulting him.
Instead, say with as much kindness and sincerity as you can muster, “Whatever you think” when he is telling you his ideas. For instance, if he comes up with a nutty thought that he should change jobs, and this strikes terror in your heart, you say, “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the kids should learn how to ski, and this sounds dangerous to you, say, “Whatever you think.” If he says he thinks the two of you should go out to dinner, and you think you should save money and eat at home, say, “Whatever you think.”
Even if you think what he’s saying is lunacy, respond by reminding him that you respect what he thinks. Practice saying, “Whatever you think” repeatedly because it’s difficult to form those words when you really need them most. For best results, use this phrase exactly like you see it here. I’ve heard variations on this phrase such as “It’s up to you,” “What do you think?” “That’s for you to decide” and “Whatever you want,” but none of these communicates both implicit trust in his thinking and a healthy detachment from his problems as well as “Whatever you think.”
Of course, this phrase also implies that you agree with whatever he thinks, which means you’re going to end up agreeing to a lot of things that you never would have before. It’s not as dangerous as it sounds—all you’re really doing is allowing your man to be himself.
Sometimes your husband’s ideas will materialize and sometimes they won’t. But if you trust him—and respect his ideas rather than trying to control what actually comes to fruition—I guarantee that you will be one step closer to fostering intimacy with your husband. He may lose money. He may make you late. The kids might get bruised knees. He may make a mess, or lose his job or let the bills go so long that the water gets turned off.
None of those situations is permanent, none of them is life threatening, and all of them are part of being human. They can certainly put a strain on your marriage, but they don’t have to. You have the power to choose whether you fight about something for days or laugh about it for years.
Many of us harbor the illusion that when we reject disagreeable thoughts and ideas immediately, those thoughts die and never materialize into actions with unpleasant consequences. We believe that we won’t have to deal with the financial uncertainty of a job change if we tell him it’s not a good idea. We think we won’t have to be afraid for our children’s safety if we dismiss his idea of teaching them to ski. We won’t have to watch our husband suffer and curse while repairing the plumbing himself if we give him “the look” that lets him we know we don’t think he can do it.
The problem is that when your squash your husband’s ideas, you kill his spirit. When you disrespect your husband’s thinking, he feels rejected. You give him no choice but to believe that you already know what’s best and have complete veto power. You are letting him know who is in charge: you. He has that recurring thought, “Why bother?” And you are left with feeling tired from shouldering all the responsibility.
But this vicious circle can be interrupted. If you respond to your husband’s ideas with trust, he will feel a new level of responsibility. If he says he can fix the plumbing himself, and you say, “whatever you think,” he will feel the full weight of the task on his shoulders and probably even some fear. He will think more seriously about the task before deciding whether he wants to take it on.
THE MAGIC OF GRATITUDE
“Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want.”
—ABRAHAM L. FEINBERG
But what if he says or does something really stupid, then what do I do?”
“But what if I completely disagree with him?”
“But what if I know I’m right and he’s wrong?”
If you’re like me, you probably think that these are the situations in which you can make an exception and maintain control.
Nope.
Instead, they are the times when you especially need to surrender.
When you find yourself desperate to steer your husband’s actions, consider your choices: Either you hold your tongue and preserve harmony or you speak critically and create a chasm of resentment and resistance. Once you speak the first note of discord he will distance himself from you. Contradicting is sure to exasperate him and cause a great divide. If you are condescending (and telling your husband what to do is always condescending), you will have to endure his aloofness and sulking afterwards.
If you keep quiet, keep breathing, and remind yourself that this too shall pass, the one stress you won’t have is a marital problem. What a relief!
When your spouse appalls you, keep in mind that you married a capable, loyal, hard-working, dependable man. When things go wrong as a result of your husband’s decisions, remember that he is learning. Next time, he’ll probably invest more carefully or have the kids wear kneepads or hire a professional. If you don’t make a big deal about his mistakes, he’ll begin to take initiative in every area.
Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Somebody who had his own ideas and acted on them?
THE DISTRESS TEST
“We are most deeply asleep at the switch when we fancy we control any switches at all.”
—ANNIE DILLARD
The only time you might disagree with what your husband thinks is if he wants you to do something that would require you to sacrifice your emotional or physical well-being. If he thinks you should hike in the desert heat, and you know this will cost you dearly in terms of emotional balance and physical health, then you must simply say, “I can’t.” If your doctor prescribes medication that keeps you vital and your husband thinks you should give it up and try a homeopathic remedy, you can tell him that doesn’t fit for you. If your husband thinks you should work full-time and you would be devastated to be away from your children for so long, then don’t do it. Conversely, if your husband thinks you should be a full-time mom and you know it would drive you mad to be home all the time, then don’t do that either.
The way to tell if a situation falls into this category is to ask yourself if you will feel serious physical or emotional distress as a result. If he thinks the two of you should go whaling in Greenland and it’s not your favorite idea for a holiday, then you’d want to go along with your husband because there are no serious emotional or physical consequences. Do you see the difference? The holiday is not ideal for you, but it doesn’t threaten your well-being. The key point is that you are not controlling him: You are looking at yourself and your own limitations.
Typically though, when a wife is surrendering, her husband doesn’t ask her to do things that he suspects will make her uncomfortable or unhappy. A surrendered wife usually only needs to say what she wants or doesn’t want to win her mate’s agreement, because treating a man respectfully brings out his natural tendency to treasure his wife. When he realizes he has your full faith and trust, he will not want to let you down, and will feel a fierce responsibility to meet your expectations. In fact, chances are he’ll take you somewhere besides Greenland on vacation if he knows you’d rather be in a bikini on deck.
The more you relinquish control and respect your husband’s thinking, the more powerful and masculine he will feel. Your faith gives him added strength and reminds him who he is and that he wants to take care of you and ensure your delight.
If he feels disrespected, his natural instinct to provide, protect, and adore his wife is derailed. When a wife respects her husband, he naturally responds with more confidence in himself and gratitude for his wife. This makes him cherish her more, and spend more time and effort memorizing the things that make her happy.
BE THE VIP INSTEAD OF THE CHAUFFEUR
The scariest part about surrendering to your husband is that it may seem like you’re never going to get your way, but just the opposite is true.
When you give up unnecessary control of things your husband does—how he drives, what he wears, what he does at work, how he loads the dishwasher—you actually gain power in the relationship and in your life. Doing all the work is not what makes you powerful—it’s what makes you exhausted. On the other hand, relaxing and enjoying yourself while someone else takes care of things is a very powerful position to be in. Certainly the VIP who rides in the limousine is more powerful than the chauffeur who controls the vehicle. Here are two more situations that illustrate this idea:
Toni is overwhelmed with doing everything around the house, going to work, taking care of the kids, and trying to make ends meet when she pays the bills. She has to nag her husband to do things for her, but when he forgets, she frequently ends up doing them herself. Toni lets her husband know how everything should be done, but he can never seem to get it right. Although Toni doesn’t realize it, her husband is on the verge of having an affair with a coworker who admires him.
Barbara is also busy taking care of kids, but her husband earns most of the income and pays all of the bills for the family, so she doesn’t worry about that. She often asks her husband for help and relinquishes tasks that are stressful for her. Recently he attended a parent-teacher conference for their son (to relieve Barbara of the chore when she said she found the teacher contentious). Barbara rarely tells her husband what to do, but he is always thinking of things to please her. Although Barbara doesn’t realize it, her husband is buying her a diamond anniversary ring.
Toni is staying in control of everything to avoid being a victim. Barbara is relinquishing control to her husband so she can relax more. Who do you think has the most power? Which one would you rather be?
PRESURRENDERING NEGOTIATIONS
“The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.”
—MARGO KAUFMAN
Put yourself in the room with the following conversations John and I had before I surrendered. Most of them took place in our living room at times when we could have been relaxing together, reading the paper or playing. Instead, this is how our discussions went:
EXAMPLE 1: GIFT FOR A FRIEND
HIM: I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.
ME: Do you have to? He didn’t get you a present last year!
HIM: Well, I want to.
ME: We don’t have much cash right now, so don’t spend more than $20. Do you have to get him something?
HIM: Well … maybe something little.
ME: I know, what if I bake cookies and we give him some in a tin?
HIM: Yeah, okay.
ME: Let’s do that.
EXAMPLE 2: PAINTING THE HOUSE
ME: We’ve got to get the house painted. I think we should get started on it today.
HIM: I don’t think so. I hadn’t really thought about it and I was going to do some other things today. Maybe we could do it next weekend.
ME: It’s supposed to start raining next week. You never want to paint the house! What do you think the neighbors think of this place? It looks awful out there.
HIM: We’ll wait until after next week then, but this really isn’t a good time.
ME: Why not?
HIM: Because we have other things to do today.
ME: I’ll paint it by myself then. I’ll just do it myself.
HIM: Why can’t you just wait?
ME: Because you never want to do it!
EXAMPLE 3: CAR MAINTENANCE
HIM: The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m gonna take it in next week.
ME: Next week? Brakes are pretty serious, John. Don’t you think you should take it in right away? You can’t drive without brakes.
HIM: I don’t have time right away. The brakes are good enough to last another week.
ME: Hmm. I think you should take it in right away. Why wait until next week?
HIM: I’m not going to have time right now.
ME: You need to make time for things like that.
HIM: There’s just too much going on and it has to be next week.
ME: So are you going to take it in?
HIM: Next week!
ME: Maybe I can take it in for you.
HIM: Why don’t you just put my head under the wheel and drive over it?
I had veto power over everything, but that also meant that now everything was under my jurisdiction. The responsibility that accompanied the control had me stressed out and utterly exhausted. For protection, my husband placed himself before the television.
POSTSURRENDERING CONVERSATIONS
Today, if I were to have those same conversations with my husband, they’d go something like this:
EXAMPLE 1: GIFT FOR A FRIEND
HIM: I gotta get a present for Steve for Christmas.
ME: Okay.
John is in charge of the household finances, so I don’t need to worry about what we can afford. I have my money, so this purchase will not affect me. Instead of discounting John’s friends as I would have before, I honor them because I recognize that they offer him things that I can’t, just as there are things I share only with my girlfriends. John enjoys giving gifts to me, and it also gives him pleasure to show his affection and appreciation to his friends. Finally, how ridiculous is it for me to pick a present for his friend? Don’t answer that!
EXAMPLE 2: PAINTING THE HOUSE
ME: I wish the outside of our house looked better. I want new paint. What do you think?
HIM: I think we should go to the paint store, buy some paint, and start painting.
This is a real-life example! Notice that I just said what I wanted, not how it should happen. He could also have said, “Let’s hire somebody to do it.” Of course, he could have also said, “I think we should wait until spring and then paint it.”
I would have gone along with either scenario because I’d rather not spend my energy trying to get John to do something he doesn’t want to do. If we had painted the house when John didn’t want to, I would have gotten my way, but it would have irritated John. Harmony and closeness are much greater gifts than having a house the neighbors admire for its fresh paint.
EXAMPLE 3: CAR MAINTENANCE
HIM: The brakes are starting to go on the car, so I’m going to take it in next week.
ME: Thank you for taking care of that.
Once again, I don’t need to worry about what he’s doing because I trust my husband to maintain the car without any input from me. After all, he was doing it long before he met me, and his method worked. Maybe he didn’t do it the way I thought he should, but that didn’t mean he was being irresponsible.
THE PATH TO INTIMACY, PASSION AND PEACE
Some women worry that their husbands will be shocked and find them insincere when they say, “Whatever you think.” But not surprisingly, most husbands are just so glad to be trusted that they don’t want to ruin it by asking questions. Still, even if you’re worried that your husband will doubt the new you, don’t get into a long discussion trying to convince him that you really mean what you say. That just opens too many cans of worms. Rather, it’s best to just reinforce the original message. You might say, “I’m sure you’ve got it handled,” or “I’m just relieved that I don’t have to think about it.”
Along this path of respect, you will find peace, relief, joy, and passion that you will never find any other way.