“Wisdom is divided into two parts: (a) having a great deal to say, and (b) not saying it.”
—ANONYMOUS
Promise yourself that you will practice surrendering for at least six months before you tell your husband about being a surrendered wife. Instead of confiding in him, find a girlfriend or two who will listen and support you in your process.
If you’re like me, your first instinct will be to tell your husband everything you’ve learned about the practices of a surrendered wife. You might even be tempted to hand him this book. Instead, I urge you to consider keeping this new information to yourself. The idea of keeping secrets from your husband may sound counter to the whole concept of being intimate. After all, how can you expect to be truly connected and understand each other if you don’t share all of your feelings?
Yet here are some of the things I’ve heard bright, thoughtful women say to their husbands when they’re newly surrendered (I’m not making these up!):
“I’m supposed to start respecting you more, according to this book.”
“This author says I shouldn’t give you advice. I don’t think that’s right, do you?”
“I’m going to start surrendering because I’m sick of doing everything around here! Now you’ll see what it’s like to have to do some of the work.”
“According to this book, I’m supposed to just keep my mouth shut when you do the dishes wrong/wear something that doesn’t match/don’t change the baby’s diapers right.”
“From now on, I’m going to appreciate your little gifts.”
“I’m going to pretend I respect you and believe in you, even when I don’t.”
In each of these statements is an inherent criticism or controlling comment. Here’s why they slip out: In the beginning, the anger, loneliness, depletion, and resentment you feel are prominent, and it’s almost impossible to keep from expressing those feelings in a related conversation. However, doing so will do further damage to the intimacy in your relationship, which is discouraging when you’re just starting out.
I don’t know of any benefit in talking to your husband about surrendering. It’s like visiting a bakery when you’re just starting a new diet. If you aren’t in the habit of passing up sweets yet, you might succumb to a chocolate éclair, thus setting yourself back before you’ve had a good start. Once you develop the habit of passing up pastries, however, that same visit to the bakery will be less challenging because you will have already practiced resisting temptation. Also, you have momentum, and that makes you stronger.
I’m making a special plea for your discretion in this matter because I’ve noticed a common tendency among wives to disregard this suggestion. Some women tell me that they know they aren’t supposed to tell their husbands about surrendering, but their husband is different, or they themselves are different, or they always share everything with their husband.
One woman described a conversation where she told her husband about surrendering because she wanted him to know that it was hard for her to trust him because he had let her down so many times before. Ouch! She then went on to say that she felt better for having had this conversation even though she knew I advised against it. She probably did feel better in the short run. But telling her husband that he had let her down so many times before when she is trying to build trust and intimacy is the equivalent of consuming a big hunk of cheesecake at the onset of a diet—defeating!
NO TRUMPETS WILL SOUND
“I often regret that I have spoken; never that I am silent.”
—PUBLILIUS SYRUS
Won’t my husband know there’s something going on?” women often ask me. Of course he will. Most husbands are acutely aware of their wife’s moods and habits (even if they seem oblivious). Not only will your husband be pleasantly surprised to find that his wife is treating him respectfully, and that she seems more appreciative and happier, he will have a new, deep sense of peace because his entire day-to-day experience will be changed. In turn, he, too, will probably seem easier to live with because he won’t be reacting to the tension and bickering that is usually present in your marriage.
Still, he’s not likely to come out and ask you what you’re up to. He’s not going to present you with a gold medal, a blue ribbon, or even a necklace. The change is subtle, kind of like feeling better after a bad cold. You’re healthy again, but you haven’t changed so monumentally that people are coming up to you saying how lovely you look without puffy eyes and a red nose. You’re just back to your old affable self.
Since surrendering to your husband is more about the absence of an old behavior, it’s likely to take a while before your husband notices. Initially, he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually, he will start to trust your new behavior.
There’s another reason your husband probably won’t ask you why you’re behaving differently. If he’s accustomed to waiting to find out what to do from you, he’s going to get reacquainted with his own voice. This is the same voice that told him he was attracted to you, loved you, and wanted to marry you. Hearing it again for the first time in a long while may distract him altogether from what you’re doing.
Surrendering to your husband is going to change your whole life, and it’s going to change his too, but talking about it and doing it are not at all the same thing.
THE NEW YOU IS THE REAL YOU
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
—MAHATMA GANDHI
When Paula first surrendered she was feeling especially uncomfortable with “keeping secrets” from her husband although she was seeing remarkable changes in her marriage. I suggested that she plan to tell her husband what she was doing, but only after she’d been doing it for at least six months. She agreed, and when six months had passed, Paula had transformed. She no longer felt judgmental toward her husband, and she realized there really wasn’t any secret to disclose. Her husband knew she had changed and didn’t seem the least bit betrayed that she hadn’t told him what she was doing sooner. He even knew it had something to do with being a surrendered wife, and which of her friends were involved in surrendering.
You may be tempted to ask your husband how he likes the “new you” or if he’s noticed anything different lately. It’s human to want some positive reinforcement. You do deserve pats on the back for having the courage to take this difficult journey. Lots of women will never find the strength to do what you’re doing, so your perseverance is admirable. However, your husband is not the appropriate person to ask for such reinforcement. Although you are doing a lot of hard work, you can’t really ask your husband to gush about how you haven’t been controlling or rude to him in a while.
All you’ve done is come back to being your best self: the one who is good-natured and easy to please. The one who laughs easily and listens well. The one who is so thrilled to love and be loved by the man of her dreams.