“When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy.”
—ANONYMOUS
For an intimate marriage, you need several friends who know you well and whom you can entrust with any secret. Without confidantes, the chances of becoming overly needy or smothering your husband are great.
Take inventory of your closest girlfriends. Do you have at least two or three who will listen and support you as you surrender? If not, you need to make some. Consider being more active at church, parent organizations, volunteer or civic groups or Surrendered Circles so you can meet these new friends. You might want to join a group of people with whom you will find an instant connection through a shared interest.
Conferring with women who are dear to you will make your surrendering journey easier and keep you focused on the rewards.
Your husband isn’t the only person you’ll need to practice receiving from. Sometimes a friend’s listening ear or sympathetic support is an extraordinary gift that may be just as difficult to accept. Still, receiving is an important part of friendship, just as friendships are an important part of surrendering. You’ll want to get support and encouragement from your friends as you surrender because you can’t very well ask your husband for it. Here’s why:
Would you ask your boss if he’s noticed that you’ve been coming to work every day for the past few months? No, because that’s a minimum requirement of most jobs. Likewise, don’t ask your husband if he’s noticed you’re not very controlling and critical. Remember that, at a minimum, you owe it to your husband to treat him with dignity and respect.
You’ll know you’re improving when the tension in your back disappears and you have more energy and warm feelings toward your husband. Take these as signs of encouragement.
But if you’re like me, you’ll also want your husband to give you a pat on the back. I know it’s tempting to say “Don’t you like the fact that I didn’t tell you to make sure there’s no mud on your shoes?” For the same reason that you wouldn’t ask for kudos for using a fork instead of your fingers, don’t say things like that to your husband. Remember that intimacy and joy in your marriage are the rewards that you’re really after.
CONFIDANTES ARE CRITICAL
“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.”
—ELBERT HUBBARD
Whenever we go through a change, we do need support, and that’s why I encourage you to tell other women about your surrendering process and to establish nurturing relationships with them. First, you will want their encouragement. Second, as with anything else, having other people who support and share your goals for a happy marriage will help keep you inspired and motivated. Third, they can meet some of your needs in a way that your husband simply can’t.
Female friends will talk tirelessly and compare notes about their husbands and their marriage, which your husband can’t do with you. You’ll also find women are generally more willing to delve into feelings than men are and can empathize in ways that are different from your husband. Your husband will certainly support you too, but not endlessly in every situation. That’s why you need someone who will listen and sympathize but who isn’t impacted directly by what you’re saying, or who doesn’t mind kicking things around for a while. That doesn’t mean you can bash your husband endlessly, but you do have my permission to let off steam—as long as in the end you remind yourself that you married a guy you respect. Pick someone to talk to who will gently hold you to this standard.
You will also need women as a source of emotional sustenance because no one person—not even your husband—can meet all of your needs for human interaction. Without a few friends to talk to, you’ll feel clingy and needy around your husband. He may pull away to avoid being smothered, and probably feel disappointed that he can’t meet your expectations.
To give you a sense of this dynamic, imagine yourself in one of the following situations:
• You’ve just lost a pregnancy and you’re completely devastated. You look to your husband for support, but he is just as crushed. He becomes frustrated and short-tempered with you, particularly because he feels powerless to fix the situation and make you happy.
• You’re angry with your husband for coming home from work late again, and you’re tempted to tell him how fed up you are. You need perspective on the situation, and you certainly can’t get it from him.
• You’re mad at your mom again, and naturally you need to talk about it. Your husband says you should tell her what’s upsetting you, which is probably good advice, but you’re still feeling upset. You want to keep talking about it, but he doesn’t.
You might need to have the same conversation about your mother with three friends and your husband just to get through your feelings. That’s not uncommon for a woman, but it’s a rare man who can take the place of three girlfriends who are good listeners. You’d be asking an awful lot if he was the only one you talked to about your sadness or anger.
How can you tell when you’ve exceeded your husband’s ability to support or willingness to talk about something? You’ll know because you’ll feel frustrated when you bring up that topic. He’ll take a sudden interest in the newspaper, try to change the subject, start tinkering with something, or tune you out. Worse, he may tell you to get over it, or that it’s no big deal. You may be tempted to scream at him to listen to you, but it’s hard to create intimacy and garner support by screaming. I’ve tried it. It never worked.
Other women have had frustrating or puzzling experiences with their husbands, just as you have, and can offer validation about what you’re going through. Yes, men seem strange at times, and yes they have different needs and values that are difficult to understand. Just knowing that someone else has felt the same way can be amazing comfort.
Another benefit of hooking up with other wives is that just being with a group of women makes you feel womanly. As a child, my mother lived in a multifamily home in Long Island with her grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins. I was always fascinated to hear her describe how much she loved to gather in the kitchen with only the women and girls to talk. A phone call to a friend or female relative can give you a whopping dose of the same feminine spirit.
Think about how rejuvenated you’ve felt after a baby or wedding shower where only women are in attendance. Chances are you’ve felt great because you’ve simply basked in being a woman and in sharing perspectives and experiences unique to women: You’ve honored your feminine spirit.
An important part of staying intimate with your husband is to remember who you are and what it means to be a woman. You won’t get many reminders at work, so look for them elsewhere.