“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.
—ERICA JONG
Strive to be vulnerable with your husband by baring your most tender feelings and admitting when you’re hurt rather than covering it with anger. When you feel the fear of being rejected or abandoned welling up, find your courage by reminding yourself that you are safe with your husband.
Keep in mind that you can be intimate with your husband only to the degree that you are willing to show him your soft underbelly, because vulnerability is the part of us that connects with other human beings.
Vulnerability is not the same as weakness—it actually takes much more strength and courage to risk emotionally than it does to stay defended.
Surrendering requires that you purposely make yourself vulnerable. You must take some risks to have the kind of marriage you crave.
Being vulnerable with my husband means letting my tears come instead of masking my hurt with anger. It means that even when I feel attacked, I put my fists down and let him see that I am fragile. It means holding steady even when I realize I could be rejected or abandoned when I’m the least prepared for it.
But why would I do any of that? Why take those risks at all?
Because I can enjoy intimacy with my husband only to the degree that I can be vulnerable with him. Thus, a critical part of surrendering is striving to be vulnerable with your husband.
When you are unguarded, you reveal the part of you that naturally connects to another human being. You remind him of your humanity—and his—and you inspire his masculine instinct to protect and support you. (Remember the Candid Camera gag?)
When you let down your guard, the truth comes out in an endearing way, and you feel the incomparable pleasure and joy of being loved just as you are, not for who you think you should be. Intimacy and closeness spring from the relief of admitting you’re not at all perfect, and finding out that you’re still lovable. Intimacy thrives when you relax in your own skin—without having to be vigilant—because you know you’re safe.
“OVERRIDING YOUR SURVIVAL INSTINCTS
“Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us.”
—ROLLO MAY
Surrendering to your husband may make you feel more vulnerable than ever before. Even your own survival instincts will scream at you that being vulnerable in your marriage is insanity. You risk heartbreak and disappointment when you reveal your true desires and feelings without masking them with anger or control. The reward for taking that risk, however, is that your husband will have the opportunity to respond with tenderness instead of defensiveness. When your iron curtain comes down, he will feel safe to reveal himself, too. Instead of breaking your heart, he will hold it tenderly.
Some people may tell you that surrendering is appalling because it is “so sexist and antifeminist.” They will claim that the mind-set I am suggesting is a throwback to the 1950s, and that you will be giving up the equality and independence women have gained.
Their underlying message is don’t let yourself be too vulnerable.
I understand this because I once thought of vulnerability as something to avoid. I thought that people who were vulnerable were weak, which was a terribly unattractive quality for an able-bodied and strong-minded woman to present to the world. Today, however, I strive to be vulnerable in my marriage, and I consider my ability to go to that tender place one of my best qualities. I no longer think of my vulnerability as repulsive; instead I recognize that it’s attractive.
The most attractive part about it is the glow that comes from having that magical feeling of knowing that you are passionately and tenderly loved and that you love back completely. When you’re intimate, you know traits about each other that you never show to the rest of the world, and you find each other even more attractive and wonderful because of those qualities. You feel certain that he will never use what he knows against you, because you shared it with utter trust and confidence that he is honor-bound to hold in safe hands.
Sharing that kind of intimacy naturally clears the way for affection and love because it removes the barriers of defense. Your passion was there all the time, but you couldn’t feel it through the distance between you and your mate. The same urgent impulse to intertwine that you felt when you first met is still there, and when the conditions are right, you feel it all over again.
This primal and spiritual state perpetuates a healthy sex life, the willingness to hang in through hard times, a spark of excitement in what would otherwise be an ordinary day, and that enduring look of affection you sometimes see from couples who have been together for a very long time.
TELL HIM YOU MISS HIM
In the old days I used to tell my husband to stop watching so much TV. I would implore him to cut his late hours at work. I told him I needed help with the yard. Of course what I really wanted was for him to pay more attention to me. Needless to say at this point, my strategy was worse than useless.
I now have a more vulnerable and more effective approach, which I’ll explain.
Let’s suppose you want more attention—more romance—in your marriage. Let’s suppose further that your husband is gone a lot because he works too much or plays golf frequently. You might feel that if he would just work or golf a little less and stay home a little more, he would have more time to for you. In your mind, whatever is taking all his time is preventing you from having long conversations, candlelight dinners and bubble baths for two. You might begin to resent whatever he does while he’s away because, in your mind, you are in competition with that activity for his time and attention.
Megan felt this way about her marriage. Her husband, Steve, was in a high-tech business and frequently worked late. She often told him she was sick of his working so much and that she needed help around the house. Of course, this didn’t keep him home more.
Steve probably felt defensive and unappreciated too. I’ve heard men say things like: “Doesn’t she realize that the reason I work so hard is for her?” Megan’s requests probably sounded like pressure to her husband who was trying to balance the needs of his job with those of his family.
After surrendering, Megan learned that beneath her obvious feelings of anger was a more vulnerable feeling: loneliness. She missed her husband when he was gone a lot. Asking him to do things or “choring” him was her way of getting him to stay home. Instead of drawing him to her, her constant nagging was repelling him.
The turning point for Megan and Steve came when she found the courage to tell him what had been true all along: that she missed him!
As you can imagine, this approach had an impact. Steve didn’t say much, but he smiled and looked at her appreciatively. To her surprise, Steve managed to leave work earlier twice that week.
By letting him know she longed for his presence and his company, Megan was complimenting him where she used to harangue him. She made him feel important and needed on an emotional level, rather than just a utilitarian one.
The next time you find yourself wishing your husband wouldn’t read, watch TV, work, golf, or tinker so much, tell him you miss him. Say it as often as you feel it, even if you are self-conscious hearing the words come out of your mouth.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU MISS YOUR MESSAGE IS THE SAME
Some women object to telling their husbands they miss them because they say that’s not how they feel. “I’m just overwhelmed taking care of the kids by myself all the time,” they tell me. The truth is these women do miss something about their husbands. Whether you miss his help disciplining the kids, his masculine presence, or your lover’s touch is immaterial. There’s only one message to convey: You miss him!
I know that it will take courage to deliver this message, but remember your husband loves your tender side. Think of how much dignity you’ll feel when you don’t hear yourself screeching and complaining like your mother on her worst day. Imagine how much energy you’ll save and harmony you’ll enjoy when you pass up the temptation to complain in favor of revealing your deepest feelings. If you crave romance, I assure you this is a worthwhile risk.