“People need loving the most when they deserve it the least.”
—JOHN HARRIGAN
Spend one evening listening to your husband. Even if neither of you talks much, make a point of really hearing everything he says. Smile and invite him to say more by tilting your head and saying, “Really?” or “Oh?”, then LISTEN. Acknowledge that you hear what your husband says (whether you agree with it or not) by saying, “I hear you.”
When my husband got a higher-paying job a few years ago, he made a sarcastic comment that he hoped he was making enough money for me.
I felt surprised and hurt by his comment, but I didn’t react. A few minutes later, I took this opportunity to tell him I was proud of him for getting this new job and that I felt well taken care of and happy. I was lucky that time because I was able to sort through the words and tone in his message to hear what he was really saying, which was that he wanted reassurance that I appreciated him.
Once I responded to what I call his “heart message,” he perked up immediately, and I haven’t heard a comment like that from him since.
A heart message is a statement that sounds like one thing on the surface, but means something else when you probe a little deeper. Your husband may not be explicit about his emotions, but you’ll hear his vulnerability and truth in heart messages if you listen carefully. What you really want to know is the message that’s hidden underneath your husband’s words.
Often I don’t realize that there’s a message underneath my husband’s words until I talk to someone else about what he said. Around here, heart messages are sometimes hidden under what sounds like a complaint. The romantic approach is to respond to these complaints by addressing the real message. Here are some examples of comments that have hidden heart messages:
MESSAGE: “Stop giving those kids everything they want!”
HEART MESSAGE: I want you to pay attention to me.
MESSAGE: “No matter what I do around here, it’s never enough for you!”
HEART MESSAGE: I hope you appreciate me. I want you to notice what I do.
MESSAGE: “There’s no pleasing you, is there?”
HEART MESSAGE: I’m afraid I don’t make you happy. I hope I’m adequate as a husband.
As you can see, heart messages are difficult to hear and require some careful listening. Before I could even begin to hear these messages, however, I had to turn down my own volume, which I’ll explain.
For so long, I thought that John needed to take more initiative and stop letting people walk all over him. I admonished, begged, manipulated, and cajoled him to speak up. I would make all the decisions, and then be annoyed that he wasn’t communicating or expressing his ideas. I asked him a question, answered it myself, and then complained that I never knew what he was thinking and that he always seemed indifferent.
Ironically, as soon as I was willing to stop speaking up about everything, I started to hear John expressing his views and desires. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the problem wasn’t apathy on his part, but that I just couldn’t hear him—that he probably couldn’t even hear himself—over my constant chatter.
In effect, I had silenced John. He was never louder than I was, so I could rarely hear him. It wasn’t until I turned down my volume that I started to notice he was making any sounds at all. In retrospect, this makes perfect sense. Once John realized that his words fell on deaf ears, he stopped offering them. What was the point of his saying anything when I was so sure that I had a better idea, and signaled that I didn’t see the point in listening to his?
THE BEST CONVERSATIONALISTS ARE LISTENERS
“A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”
—BRENDAN FRANCIS
So how do you turn down the volume? I use a lot of duct tape to keep things from coming out of my mouth that I’ll later wish I hadn’t said.
For instance, one evening my husband and I were both reading at home when I interrupted him to ask how many years it would be until we would retire. He snapped back that this wasn’t the appropriate time to talk about it. I was stunned by this response, and so sat there silently for a few minutes, trying to think up clever, hurtful retorts. Before I could say anything though, he looked up and said, “I’m sorry I snapped at you, but I’m worried that I haven’t put anything into our retirement account in a long time. I guess I don’t want to think about how that’s going to affect us when we retire.”
Good thing I was slow on the comeback. I would have missed getting an apology and started World War III. As it was, I got lucky. I hadn’t yet thought of my retort, so I ended up serendipitously giving him space to talk before I jumped down his throat. That’s how I discovered the gifts that come when I don’t run in to fill the quiet space.
At least a few times a day, hold your tongue when you would normally speak, just to create a vacuum (a spot someone will naturally want to fill in with conversation) in the discussion. To better understand this, think about whether there’s room for new furniture in your living room. If it’s filled with the old furniture, then you need to create the space for a new couch by taking the old one to the dump first. Then you would have a vacuum, an empty space longing for furniture, where the old couch used to be. Being quiet in your relationship is the equivalent of dumping the couch before you have any idea where the new couch is going to come from. It leaves a space for something interesting and unexpected to come in.
In other words, be quiet.
Listen for what comes out of your husband when you are silent. Listening is a vital key to emotional connection that women frequently overlook. If you think your husband doesn’t have much to say, has no ideas of his own or just sits there like a bump on a log, it could be that he never gets a word in edgewise. If you find him uncaring and indifferent to what the family needs, perhaps you aren’t quiet long enough to hear him.
GOOD LISTENERS LET YOU KNOW THEY HEARD YOU
“Sometimes it is a great joy just to listen to someone we love talking.”
—VINCENT MCNABB
Most people love to hear themselves talk, but if you’re longing to hear him too, you need to be a good listener, which means that in a conversation, you demonstrate that you are truly taking in what is being said, not just thinking of what you’re going to declare next. The first step in developing listening skills is to remember to take a break from talking every so often. Encourage him to speak by making eye contact, staying quiet, and asking questions whenever appropriate. But don’t bombard him with inquiries because that can seem invasive.
A good listener acknowledges that she has heard what someone else said, and can do so without recounting her own story about a similar experience or giving advice. One of the ways I do this is by using the phrase, “I hear you.” That assures my husband that I’m listening, and reminds me that I don’t necessarily need to comment or advise him.
When you avoid interrupting your husband you will also become a better listener. To do this, make a point of waiting until he is done speaking, then count to three silently before you respond. This is also a great way to demonstrate that you are listening, rather than plotting your next sentence.
My friend Leah, who worked in sales for years, told me that people will gladly open up if you use the right body language. To encourage this, she tilted her head to the side a bit and raised one eyebrow occasionally and said nothing more than, “Oh?” It was amazing to me how Leah could get people to reveal themselves.
I knew another woman who was trying to get her teenage son to talk about his life. The more she questioned him, the tighter he seemed to clam up. Finally, she decided to give him the opportunity to speak to her without interrogating him, by silently preparing dinner at the kitchen table when he came home from school. Sure enough, her son came and sat down at the table too, and started telling her about his friends and what had happened at lunch that day. This wise woman knew enough to just listen without critical comment or interrogation, and she got a rare glimpse into her son’s life.
The same approach will work for you in drawing your husband out. Just start by giving him space. You don’t really even need to ask many questions. He may not tell you his feelings per se, but your husband will tell you about what’s important to him, and in those words you will hear the heart messages. When you listen so well that you can hear the heart messages, you can be sure that intimacy will naturally follow. You can’t help but connect with someone you know so well, nor can he help but feel affection for someone who really hears him.
THE GIFT OF GRANTING HIM SOME AIRTIME
The first duty of love is to listen.
—PAUL TILLICH
There are many conversations where using the words “I hear you” can be a tremendous gift. For instance, Shannon’s husband started talking about how he wanted to retire on a ranch one day. Because she had tried to discourage him from wanting to buy such a large piece of property in the past, he looked at her and said somewhat defensively, “I’m just talking—it’s just an idea!”
To acknowledge that she had heard him without passing any judgment on what he was saying, she simply smiled and said, “I hear you.” After that, he talked to her about his vision in great detail, and she felt an emotional closeness with him that she hadn’t felt in a long time. He revealed a part of himself that she hadn’t seen—hadn’t allowed, really—since they were first married. Hearing him talk about his fantasy of training horses and having a dog that followed him everywhere reminded Shannon of all that she found endearing and charming about her man. After a dozen years of marriage, Shannon was seeing a side to her husband as if for the first time—a part of him that wanted a simpler, quieter life.
One woman complained that her husband would follow her around the house when she was trying to do things. Then it occurred to her that he was trying to talk to her. Another woman noticed that she interrupted her husband every few minutes by jumping up to get the laundry, talking to her toddler, or answering the phone. Still another wife caught herself asking her husband questions, then tuning him out as soon as he began to answer. Pay special attention to how often your husband tries to talk to you—and to how you respond. Again, being conscious of your reactions will help you learn about him.
As an experiment, I went out to dinner with my husband and tried just listening—not talking about myself—for the whole meal. It wasn’t easy. He had plenty of interesting things to say, but I kept getting distracted and thinking of what I wanted to tell him. I had to make a sincere attempt to keep listening. I wondered if he would ask me why I was so quiet, but he didn’t. He probably didn’t want to ruin his one chance of getting some airtime.