Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.
—MARY BUCKLEY
Let your urge to control be a clue that you need to examine your feelings. When you find yourself thinking, he’s loading the dishwasher the wrong way, ask yourself what’s really bugging you right at that moment. Call a friend, and keep talking until you figure it out, but don’t attack your husband.
Likewise, if you’re going to tell your husband you are angry or unhappy about something, first rehearse with a friend how you will present your issue. Check to see if you can deliver the message in terms of how hurt or sad you feel, rather than angry. Practice delivering your message so that you stick to the topic and don’t throw in red herrings that will detract from your legitimate issue.
In a detective story, the red herring is the misleading information that keeps the detective from discovering the truth. I have learned that my temptation to control John—whether it’s wondering when he’s going to start the taxes or how he’s going to make it to work on time—is also a way to distract myself from figuring out what’s nagging at me in my own life.
For example, maybe I’m nervous about my impending deadline or irritated with a client for not getting back to me. Perhaps I’m upset with a friend who has hurt my feelings, or I’m just plain exhausted. I sometimes try to displace my anxiety about these situations on my husband by trying to control him.
Now that I’m on to myself about this, I’ve learned to look inward when I think something my husband is doing is bugging me. Even if I can’t put my finger on what I’m worried about, now I can eliminate whatever my husband is doing from the list of usual suspects.
Feeling powerless about a situation in your own life can sometimes lead to the urge to rearrange somebody else’s. Other people’s shortcomings are easier to see than our own, and their problems seem easier to fix since we have no attachment to them. Unfortunately, taking the approach of trying to “fix” your husband will not only impede intimacy, it will also irritate him. On top of that, it brings you no closer to solving your original problem.
When Sharon called to tell me that her husband was not spending enough time with their daughter, I sensed she was distracted by a red herring. She was sure that she had a legitimate gripe and was annoyed by the very suggestion that there could be something in her own life that she might feel anxious about. Finally, she admitted that she was sad and scared about talking to her sister, with whom she had been quarreling. This was a difficult topic for Sharon—and she wanted to avoid it. Focusing on her husband’s shortcomings was a handy diversion.
While Sharon was avoiding the unpleasantness of dealing with her sister, she was creating another problem by criticizing her husband’s behavior. He then wanted to avoid her. Now, she was lonely, wanted to eat worms, and she still wasn’t talking to her sister.
The next time I spoke to Sharon, she had a different perspective. She saw that she had been distracted by a red herring—her husband’s parenting—and needed to handle the real McCoy—the situation with her sister. Finally, she approached her sister and reached some resolution. Afterwards, she acknowledged that her husband was quite attentive to their daughter. The huge concern she’d had the other day seemed like an overreaction now. Her husband had been supportive in listening to her process the conflict with her sister; and she no longer had the urge to criticize him, or “let him have it” about his parenting.
IDENTIFYING THE REAL MCCOY
“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”
—CHINESE PROVERB
Sometimes you’ll have a legitimate complaint about your husband. Perhaps he is chronically late, sloppy, cranky, insulting, or smelly. Sometimes you will want to berate him for one of his truly annoying habits. But how can you tell the difference between a red herring and a situation where you need to speak up?
If you find yourself with a criticism about something that doesn’t usually bother you, chances are it’s a red herring. If you’re thinking about something small (he doesn’t rinse out his coffee cups and they’re gross), it’s most likely a red herring. His habit may truly bug you, but is it worth nipping him so he’ll want to avoid you? No. Instead, ask yourself what could be bothering you. Are you overtired, hungry, or lacking in self-care? Try to give yourself what you need.
If, however, you find yourself with a complaint that eats at you repeatedly—and it’s not that his socks never make it into the hamper—then you have something to talk about.
Once you eliminate other suspects and you’re sure that you have an authentic problem with your husband, the first thing to do is to talk about it with another wife, preferably somebody who is supportive of your surrendered marriage. Tell this girlfriend how sad you feel that your husband hasn’t approached you for sex in weeks, or that he belittled you again, or that you’re tired of being broke all the time.
Your fear, sadness, hurt, and anger are real. Do not dismiss them. Do not try to pretend that they’re not there. Express these feelings to yourself, your friends, or your therapist. If all else fails, write them down.
If you feel something, it’s as real as this book that you’re holding now. Before you decided to surrender to your husband, you may have expressed those feelings to him indiscriminately. Discussing your emotions with someone is good for your mental health. Blurting out your feelings—which may at times have been harsh or negative—to your husband is not ideal for your marriage. Those sharp words cause conflict and put distance between you and your spouse. Therefore, I’m suggesting that you seek validation for these feelings privately outside of your marriage.
In other words, don’t squash your feelings. It won’t work. I’ve tried to squash mine, but I am always reminded that feelings demand an outlet. You can’t wish them away or dismiss them; the more you get to the heart of them the more you know about yourself and your marriage.
If you don’t know any other wives who practice surrendering, get on the Internet and go to the bulletin board at www.surrenderedwife.com. Describe your situation and ask for support. You will find remarkable wisdom and compassion there.
EFFECTIVELY REGISTERING YOUR FEELINGS
“Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without his thumb on the scale.”
—BYRON LANGFELD
Obviously, there will be times when you need to address your husband directly. But learning to communicate clearly will make your message ten times more effective. Start by separating the real issues from the red herrings. Since most controlling wives tend to err on the side of saying too much and end up diluting real issues with inappropriate rages, it’s best to reason things out with someone else first. Rehearse what you are going to say so that it’s focused, clear, and free of blame or shame. You certainly wouldn’t want to let those red herrings obscure a valid point. If your complaint is legitimate, it can wait until you’ve discussed it with someone else. This is an important part of learning to communicate clearly. I struggle with this myself because when I’m exasperated, I don’t want to wait for anything. I just want to let him have it!
Janet’s husband, Danny, repeatedly made her late to choir practice by coming home behind schedule to take care of their son. She was so angry at his lack of consideration that she wanted to accuse him of never supporting her. According to Janet, he was so self-absorbed that he couldn’t enjoy spending quality time alone with their child.
Fortunately, before Janet said anything, she talked to other women about the situation. She told her neighbor about her frustration, and in speaking about it, she realized that there was only one thing she was truly upset about: being late for choir practice. She couldn’t claim that Danny didn’t support her passion for the choir because he came to every performance. How could she say that he didn’t love being with their son when she knew that he always looked forward to their pizza nights alone?
So, aided by the perspective she gained from conversations with women, Janet stayed focused. She delivered a pure message by saying “When you come home late on Tuesday nights, I feel disappointed that I have to be late to choir practice.” Then she left for rehearsal without further discussion.
When she came home later that night, still feeling marvelous from all that harmonizing, Danny was brooding. He baited her a few times, looking for the comfort of a familiar brawl. But Janet felt too good to engage and simply rebuffed his self-critical comments that he was “such a loser” and “couldn’t do anything right.” Instead, she told him she appreciated him for providing her with the opportunity to participate in the choir. Her gratitude caught him off-guard and disarmed him. They went to bed without an argument.
The following week, he was home in plenty of time for Janet to make it to the start of choir practice. She thanked her husband for being so considerate.
If Janet had said, “You’re always late and I’m sick of it!” or “Why don’t you try being on time for a change!” her husband probably wouldn’t have heard her feelings, much less taken them seriously. Instead, they would have been locked in a battle, and before either of them knew it, they would have lost the main issue—Janet’s getting to practice on time—in the crossfire. But Janet’s short, to-the-point comment left Danny to think about only one thing: his behavior. He seemed to feel the weight of what he’d done, since there weren’t any distractions to help him tune out.
Janet had a legitimate issue, and by “picking her battle” carefully she avoided provoking a fight and going to bed in a huff. Instead, her husband heard her feelings in a mature, fair, and strong way. How could he not be attracted to that? No intimacy was lost, and everything was gained.
The same will happen for you when you process your complaints with a wise friend before you deliver a message to your husband.