“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”
—HENRY DAVID THOREAU
Whatever your faith, trust that your husband is the instrument of a higher being and make a decision to appreciate what He has created.
Remember how miraculous it seemed to meet him and fall in love and marry? Your husband’s presence in your life is no less miraculous today, so don’t take it for granted. Your higher power brought you together for an important reason—so that you could grow into your best selves. Remember that the challenges that your husband presents are partly your lessons to learn.
When you have faith in a divine power, you have assurance that someone is watching over you. When you surrender to your husband, you accept that a supreme being is looking after you both, which gives you a safety net to keep surrendering even when you’re terrified.
When you trust in a higher being, you acknowledge that things beyond your power are the way they are meant to be. You learn to yield your will, enjoy things just as they are, and exist in greater harmony, not just with your husband, but with all the circumstances in your life.
SURRENDERING IS A SPIRITUAL METAPHOR
We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature—trees, flowers, grass—grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence … We need silence to be able to touch souls.
—MOTHER TERESA
Harboring the illusion that you can control someone else is about as reasonable as believing that you can control the waves in the ocean—and just as frustrating. Letting go of that illusion is a spiritual journey. It is the process of learning reverence for the divine order of the universe, and acquiring the wisdom of acceptance. This journey requires faith in things unseen and acceptance that there are some things you simply can’t change.
If you don’t have a higher power or don’t believe in one, surrendering to your husband is going to be a very tough leap. Without faith in a power greater than you, you might as well continue to try to control everyone and everything around you. After all, if you are the only one who’s watching out for you, then it makes sense that you would try to \control your circumstances as much as possible.
For example, if you are secure in the knowledge that your higher power is your source for all things, then when you have financial worries for your husband you can remind yourself that the Creator is in charge, and that everything will happen in perfect divine timing. If you find yourself wanting to correct your husband’s parenting skills, you can act on the belief that God made your husband the father of your children for a reason, and that it’s not your job to second-guess your husband or God. When you’re tempted to criticize or teach your husband, you can remind yourself that he has his own higher power and you’re not it. With a higher power running things, there’s no reason to try to control your husband.
In fact, trying to control another person is as pointless and futile as trying to control the ocean, but just for the sake of argument, let’s say you were going to try. You might tell the waves to calm down and the water to move back, but of course, nothing unusual would happen. You could then jump up and down and scream at the ocean to do as you say, but still nothing would change. You might even try to push the waves back with your hands, but you’d only get all wet. By this time, you would probably be agitated and stressed out, but no closer to getting the ocean to do what you tell it to do. (Does this remind you of trying to control your husband?) You certainly wouldn’t have any peace.
Since you know you cannot reckon with the forces of nature, I’m sure you don’t even try. When you’re not trying to alter the waves, you’re free to admire their extraordinary force and beauty. You can just relax and enjoy yourself. Allowing yourself to be nourished and energized—instead of depleted and frustrated—as you look at the ocean is a reminder that the Creator is far more powerful than you.
You can also take comfort in knowing that God manages impeccably without your help. Focusing on the beauty of the water meeting the sand might help you remember that although you cannot see the Creator, you can enjoy his gifts. It might even make you feel closer to your higher power to admire and appreciate his creations. I call that a spiritual experience—where you feel the safety, peace, and utter calm of knowing you are not alone. Who can marvel at the ocean without feeling that?
WHAT A PIECE OF WORK IS MAN
I go walking, and the hills loom above me, range upon range, one against the other. I cannot tell where one begins and another leaves off. But when I talk with God, He lifts me up where I can see clearly, where everything has a distinct contour.
—MADAM CHIANG KAI-SHEK
If you think about how admiring (instead of trying to alter) God’s creations (like your husband) makes you feel a divine presence, then you can begin to see how surrendering can make you feel closer to God. The more you admire your husband’s magnificence and how everything about him is just as it should be, the more you will feel God’s presence. The more you feel God’s presence, the closer and more real your association and connection with Him. Faith and intimacy with your husband is a manifestation of your faith and intimacy with God.
HIRING A HIGHER POWER
What if you don’t believe in a power greater than you?
You will have to find one.
Look around for clues that there is someone more powerful than you. Go down to the ocean and try to order it around. Stand in the middle of a wheat field and try to make it still. The same force that’s there is watching out for you, your husband, and your children.
When I first started my spiritual journey fourteen years ago, I had to act as if I believed there was a higher power when I wasn’t really convinced that there was one. I had rejected the God of my childhood for being too neglectful, punishing, and insensitive. I couldn’t find his compassion. In retrospect, I was probably transferring qualities that I disliked in my parents onto this God. Nevertheless, I fired the God I had been brought up with and I wrote about what I wanted in a higher power and decided that he existed for me; I had faith that he would show me the way. It worked.
Here’s what I believe to be true: My higher power is a creative, humorous, compassionate Spirit that is manifested in my life through other people and my own inner voice. I get plenty of generous gifts from Spirit, including my wonderful husband, my beautiful home, the inspiration to write, and the friendship of incredible women. I choose my own path, and Spirit honors my decisions, even if they are not in my best interest. Sometimes I meet unpleasant consequences this way, but Spirit is always there to show me what to do next. Spirit knows about my sadness and comforts me when I cry.
I can hear Spirit best when I am quiet and introspective. I have a hard time connecting with Spirit when I’m afraid of the future. When I take time for solitude and meditation, care for myself, stay in gratitude and trust that Spirit is taking care of me, things seem to flow more easily. I find more laughter and joy in my day when I tune into Spirit. Spirit often tells me that he made this day for me, and that he wants me to enjoy it. I know that I’m precious to Spirit, and this makes me feel safe. I thank Spirit regularly and I try to remember that Spirit has made this day, and so in my eyes it is wonderful.