“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”
—ALDOUS HUXLEY
If surrendering makes you feel like you have nothing to do or say anymore, that’s a good measure of how much time you spent in Needless Emotional Turmoil. Now that you have a surplus of time and energy to spend on yourself, try to recall what it was that you always wished you had time to do, but never could, whether it was reading a magazine cover-to-cover, watching a mindless TV show, or painting with watercolors.
Uncovering your own passion will contribute to intimacy by making you more attractive and vibrant. Spending your surplus energy on yourself is about more than just maintaining balance: It’s about making sure you become the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
Prior to surrendering, most of the wives I met had spent a lot of time and energy in Needless Emotional Turmoil, or NET for short. Once we stopped needlessly worrying about our husbands, we suddenly had an unfamiliar (and uncomfortable) energy surplus.
Shortly after she began surrendering, Susan was not sure what to do with all her free time now that she wasn’t doing everything herself. Carolyn realized that since she wasn’t going to talk about money, she had nothing to talk about when she went out to dinner with her husband. Ironically, these women experienced a sense of loss, and in a way, they had lost something: Where their space was once filled with familiar obsession and the usual worries, there was now a vacuum.
Without NET, life can be downright boring. There’s no more telling your husband what to do or instructing him on things you think he should have done differently. There isn’t much drama or fighting, and without that life can be dull, dull, dull.
SURVIVING WEIGHTLESSNESS
Imagine you are carrying a backpack that’s full of NET related to your husband. Imagine you are putting on this backpack every day and suddenly you stop. You will feel a little weightless at first. Maybe you would consider picking it up again out of habit, but you realize that you don’t want to schlep it around all day, and you don’t want anything that’s in it. Then as you make the choice to leave it where it is rather than put it on, you might feel insecure and awkward, but also light and unburdened. Throughout the day little surges of panic might pulse through your body when you notice you’re not wearing the backpack, as if you’d forgotten something important.
Remind yourself that you’re not supposed to be wearing that backpack, and that it’s okay to leave it off. Notice how much more you can do and how much faster you can move without it.
When you first experience an energy surplus from not wearing a backpack full of NET about what your husband is doing, you may also notice other feelings coming up. For example, you may feel you have nothing in common with your husband anymore because there’s nothing to argue about. Also, as your focus moves from him to you, perhaps you’ll have some dissatisfaction with some other aspects of your life. Maybe you’ll notice you’re frustrated with the way your kids worm out of their chores or you’ll be upset with yourself that you haven’t been more proactive in your career. Maybe you’ll feel annoyed about how the garden is totally overgrown with weeds when it used to be your pride and joy.
When you start to become more aware of aspects of your life that you want to improve that aren’t related to your husband, that means you’re shifting your focus off of him and on to you. You’ve stopped distracting yourself with his problems and started to face your own. If this is the case, be sure to pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job surrendering.
THE JOY OF ACCOMPLISHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“To mature is in part to realize that while complete intimacy and omniscience and power cannot be had, self-transcendence, growth, and closeness to others are nevertheless within one’s reach.”
—SISSELA BOK
As soon as you finish patting yourself on the back, start a new project. Make a quilt or a new friend. Read a novel or write one of your own. Join a gym or a theater group. Take a class or a trip. Walk in the woods or in a park. Do anything that makes you happy or interests you, even if it means getting a baby-sitter or spending money. You’re now taking self-care a step further. Don’t worry so much about what you accomplish, but rather measure your success by how happy and fulfilled your new project makes you feel. Before I surrendered, I always wished I could spend more time with my four-year-old nephew, Josh (who reminds me not to take life too seriously) and have long lunches with my girlfriends. Now I see Josh every week, dawdle with girlfriends at the sushi bar and take naps to boot. It’s not overly productive, but it makes me happy.
SPARKLING DINNER CONVERSATION
What does doing something you enjoy have to do with being intimate with your husband? For one thing, getting involved in your own life distracts you from the temptation to take a bite of Really Big Bait. More importantly, your new activities will reawaken your passion for life. Remember, though, that what feeds your spirit may not move your husband. Be sure to allow yourself your own passions, even if he does not share them. If you love skiing and he doesn’t, join a ski club and set off every chance you get. If you enjoy foreign films and he hates subtitles, go with a friend. If you need to rumba and he won’t dance, sign up for a class at the local college. When you’re engaged in your interests, you’re also more attractive and fun to be around. When you feel good, you’re more likely to be grateful and respectful instead of nitpicky and critical. Plus, you will have new experiences and stories to share with your husband over dinner.
As a wonderful fringe benefit to making yourself happy, you will also be making someone else you love happy: your husband. He will never feel better about himself or more attracted to you than when he sees you smiling, fulfilled, and excited. He may even follow your example and pursue his own passions. Then he’ll have something interesting to talk about at dinner too.
FIND THE COURAGE TO PURSUE YOUR AMBITIONS
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
—M. SCOTT PECK
Once Tess quit worrying needlessly about her husband, she had to face that she had been avoiding her ambition to write children’s books. When she first noticed her energy surplus she felt a sense of sadness. Outside of being a mom, her life seemed unimportant. She made a decision to devote an hour or two each day to writing new stories and putting finishing touches on old ones. Tess shared what she wrote with friends and family, and asked for feedback about how she could improve. Everyone agreed her work was wonderful, and encouraged her to pursue getting it published.
And then the terror set in. Being the armchair critic of her husband’s life had felt far less scary than sending her stories out to publishers and agents. Focusing on her passion brought up Tess’s fear of rejection, and understandably so. Without the distraction of worrying about her husband and controlling him, Tess was stuck with facing her challenges.
Once she found the courage to take risks in her own life, Tess was amazed at how supportive her husband became. His enthusiasm and pride for her writing reminded her of just how much he wanted her to be happy.
Your husband may surprise you with his enthusiastic support for your interests, too. One woman learned that her husband didn’t mind staying at home with the kids so she could go out with her girlfriends. Another woman was impressed that her husband spent most of the weekend doing heavy digging so she could plant vegetables and flowers in her garden. I was moved to learn that John didn’t mind helping me baby-sit my young nephew on Saturday nights because he knows the boy’s silliness and innocence lift my spirits.
These are ordinary husbands I’m writing about who are probably not much different from yours. One of the things that gave them enormous pleasure was watching the women they love blossom with the discovery of new interests and talents.
So, put that Needless Emotional Turmoil in a backpack and send it off to the dump. Remember, if you find yourself longing for distraction and drama, you can always pick a fight with your husband. Somehow, when your life is full of other passion and pleasure, that temptation simply goes away.