A long, long, long time ago . . . (Well, this morning.)
In a galaxy far, far, far away . . . (Just around the corner, actually. At Hugo’s place. He lives in an apartment block called Palm Grove. I always find that name funny because there’s only one palm tree. A dead one.)
Duh! Duh-da-da-duh! Duh-DUH-da-da-duh-da-da-DUUUUHHHH!
(Wow, this orchestra sounds amazing! This must be what it’s like to be a character in an action movie. I’m running around, chasing bad guys, fighting aliens, eating donuts and the whole time there’s this big exciting music in the background and . . .)
‘Hello?’
What? Who said that?
‘Yes, speaking.’
And what happened to the music?
‘No, I didn’t order any dumplings.’
Huh?
‘I think you have the wrong number.’
That’s when I realise Hugo’s mum is standing right behind me talking on her phone. The music was her ringtone. Turns out I’m the kind of character in the action movie who runs around, chases bad guys, fights aliens, eats donuts and gets his friend’s mum to stand behind him playing music out of her phone.
Although I think I’m missing the point here.
The point is there are dumplings going around that no one seems to be claiming! I love dumplings! Send the dumplings over –
Hugo’s mum hangs up.
Ugh. Okay. Fine.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes, Hugo and I are playing Captain Kickbutt. I am, of course, Captain Kickbutt: Intergalactic Security Force Agent 12, now with night-vision goggles, gamma-ray bazooka and utility belt. Batteries not included.
Hugo is my assistant, Norman.
Please note that I said ‘assistant’ and not ‘sidekick’. Norman is not a sidekick. Captain Kickbutt does not need a sidekick. Norman was living a boring life as a scientist. Captain Kickbutt felt sorry for him, so he helped Norman out by letting him make cool gadgets and vehicles for him, like the Kickbuttmobile with central locking and driver’s side airbags (figurines sold separately).
Norman makes whatever Captain Kickbutt needs – like a ray gun or a grappling hook or a seven-cheese pizza. His famous catchphrase is: ‘How can I be of service, Captain Kickbutt?’ Hugo loves being Norman.
‘But you’re so good at it, Hugo,’ I reply. ‘Now, come on. I have to defeat the evil merman, Hammerhead.’
Hugo sighs. ‘How can I be of service, Captain Kickbutt?’
Frankly, I think he could be a bit more enthusiastic.
I run out of Hugo’s front door and into the stairwell of the apartment block.
‘I don’t have any –’
I’m sure you know this already, but Captain Kickbutt is the greatest superhero of our time. His famous catchphrase is: ‘I am Captain Kickbutt and I’m gonna kick your butt,’ which he says in a deep, gravelly voice. It’s a much cooler catchphrase than Norman’s.
Captain Kickbutt has a jetpack, which is awesome. And as if that’s not enough, in the latest season of the cartoon he upgraded it to the Sonic4000 model with air intakes and a hybrid engine, so now he can basically fly as fast as a fighter jet with a greatly reduced carbon footprint. He has wrist guards that shoot lasers, an indestructible shield that he can also sky-surf on, and the best hair of all time, which never gets blown out of shape in the wind! He saves the world pretty much every day and he’s smashed more mutants and aliens than I’ve eaten cheeseballs . . . I think. I should probably check that. I’ve eaten a lot of cheeseballs.
For right now though: I am Captain Kickbutt and I’m gonna kick your butt!
I bump into Mrs Schmidt in the stairwell. She’s Hugo’s neighbour. I don’t mean I just see her as she walks by. I mean I actually bump into her. She’s on her bottom now.
‘Oops! Sorry, Mrs Schmidt!’ I call back over my shoulder. ‘Norman! Can you help Mrs Schmidt?’
I run out of the apartment block, where I come face to face with Captain Kickbutt’s arch-nemesis, Hammerhead (in this case, played by Bubbles the goldfish, whose bowl we put outside earlier).
The other day Mum asked me why I like Captain Kickbutt so much. She wondered if it was the costumes and the colours. She suggested that perhaps it was the fact that I got something called endorphins when I was running and jumping around. (I explained that Hammerhead’s endolphin army doesn’t come in until series two.) She hoped that it was Captain Kickbutt’s pursuit of justice, his desire for peace, his commitment to defending the defenceless. I told her it was mostly just that Captain Kickbutt got to thump people and still be a good guy.
Norman comes running out. ‘Max! We need to go!’
‘Who’s Max? My name is –’
‘Max, it’s time for your audition!’
Norman, it turns out, is also quite good at managing my schedule.
