The next morning, Mrs Sniggles, our principal, calls a surprise school assembly.
At Redhill Middle School, assemblies mean that the whole school is taken into the hall where we are forced to sit on the floor and listen to teachers talk at us through squealing microphones. Often we get into trouble for something, then Abby usually wins an award of some kind and then we sleep through the rest of it while our bums go numb. I don’t know why we do this. I assume the teachers must enjoy it or something.
Now, as the funny kid at Redhill Middle School, I have a reputation to protect. You only get to be the funny kid if you do funny things.
Today, I’ve come to school expecting to spend it perfecting my plan to crash the Captain Kickbutt set this afternoon, but when an opportunity to play pranks at the school assembly comes along, you have to jump at the chance.
There’s an idea I’ve been wanting to try for a while.
She glares at me as only teachers can. She starts to say, ‘No,’ and then changes that to, ‘Why didn’t you go before?’ and then she rolls her eyes as though she can’t remember why she climbed out of bed this morning and says, ‘Just go then!’
I stand up and tiptoe quickly to the end of the row, darting out through the side door of the hall.
Only I’m not going to the bathroom. I didn’t lie. I never said I needed to pee. I said I was busting. Busting to play a prank on Mr Bert, who’s currently making an incredibly long and boring announcement about lost property!
If people wanted their property back, Mr Bert, they wouldn’t have lost it in the first place!
I run around the back of the hall and sneak in through the fire exit behind the stage. It’s dark back here and I can hear Mr Bert droning on about how many lunch boxes there are in the lost property bin. The kids of Redhill need rescuing and who better to do it than the funny kid?
I find the sound system. This is the place where Mr Bert’s microphone lead is plugged in. Next to the plug is a volume knob. Beside it is another identical plug with another volume knob. I reach into the box of equipment that’s next to the sound system and pull out a spare microphone and a spare lead. I put this into the second plug and slowly turn up the volume knob until it matches Mr Bert’s microphone. Now, the microphone I am holding is turned up just as loud as the one that Mr Bert is using.
I peek through the curtain and see him holding up a pink lunch box to show everyone the sorts of things that are in the lost property bin.
I get ready to do my best Mr Bert voice. Then I turn the volume down on his microphone and start talking into mine – pretending to be Mr Bert.
‘Ah, this here is my pink lunch box,’ I say. I hear people giggle. They can no longer hear Mr Bert talking because his microphone doesn’t work. They can only hear my voice.
The whole assembly is laughing now.
Mr Bert is trying to work out what is going on. Where is the voice coming from and why can no one hear him? He’s looking around everywhere.
‘What? What’s going on?’ I say, still pretending to be Mr Bert.
The whole assembly is in hysterics! This is too good.
And then onto the stage marches Mrs Sniggles.
Uh-oh.
I put my microphone down and turn the volume on Mr Bert’s microphone back up. When the principal arrives at the lectern, the microphone is working just fine.
‘That’s enough! Quieten down,’ comes her grandma voice. Mrs Sniggles may be this tiny grandma of an old lady, but she has a mysterious way of making sure everyone listens to her all the time. It’s some crazy magic, that’s for sure.
What I’m not going to do is play my prank on her! It might be time for me to head back to my seat.
‘I don’t know what happened here, but that’s quite enough,’ Mrs Sniggles says as Mr Bert shuffles off the stage, looking very confused. ‘We have a very special treat for you today, Redhill Middle School, not that you deserve it. We have a special guest visiting our assembly to inspire you to chase your dreams.’
I stop before I get to the fire exit. Who could the special guest be?
