I scamper back to the curtain and watch as Spencer Daniels steps onto the stage and walks across to the microphone stand. There are loud gasps from the audience and then cheering! I can see the students’ faces from here. They’re smiling and pointing and talking to each other about how cool it is to have a really famous actor at their school assembly.
Famous Kid taps the microphone to check that it’s working. ‘Is this on?’ he asks.
‘Yes!’ the whole school replies in one giant, cheesy chorus.
‘Mum! Make sure you’re filming this. Are you filming it?’ Spencer asks. He looks in the direction of his mum, who is holding up her phone to capture her son’s speech on video. She’s nodding like her head’s on a spring. He explains, ‘This is going to be pretty inspiring stuff, so we’ll probably put it on YouTube. You guys don’t mind going viral, do you?’
‘No!’ they reply in an even more pathetic display of starstruck-dom.
‘You’re awesome, Spencer Daniels!’ someone yells out. I think it was Pip.
‘Well, I have a simple message for you today, ordinary kids. You can become extra-ordinary like me. All you need to do is believe in your heart that you can do it.’
Oh, spew! What is this rubbish? He can’t really think that this is going to inspire people, can he?
I look out at the audience and they’re sitting there with huge smiles on their faces. That doesn’t make any sense. Why would they listen to this kid? He’s horrible!
A few minutes ago, all the kids at Redhill were laughing at my prank and now they’ve forgotten what real talent looks like. They’re staring hopelessly at this nincompoop just because someone said he’s famous.
I think it might be time to intervene.
I walk back over to the sound system and pick up the second microphone.
‘When you’ve got a gift like I do, you need to share it with the world. But only if it’s awesome. And if I can be honest with you here today, you might think you’ve got a gift, but you’re probably wrong. The chances are pretty high that you are not awesome. You just think you are. I can understand that, looking at someone like me, it must seem like it’s easy to be this cool . . .’
They’re nodding. Like they’re agreeing with him! Oh, I can’t take this any more.
I turn his volume down and use my best Spencer Daniels voice to take over this ridiculous speech. ‘Well, it is easy to be this cool,’ I say. I watch Famous Kid freeze. I keep going.
This should liven things up a bit. I look through the curtain. People seem annoyed.
Oh, come on, lighten up, everybody! Where’s your sense of humour gone? Don’t tell me Spencer Daniels took it! I continue.
‘I like to sing love songs to my cat. That’s how I got on the TV talent show. All you girls thought I was singing love songs to you, but that’s not true. I’m in love with my cat.’
‘Boo!’
What? I look back out through the curtain. Spencer Daniels has stepped away from the microphone and is folding his arms and tapping his foot. The audience of kids are booing me! They’d actually prefer to hear from Famous Kid than Funny Kid!
Okay, I’ve had about enough of this. This is my turf! My school! Famous Kid doesn’t get to just turn up and become more popular than the Funny Kid just . . . because!
‘Turn his microphone back on!’ kids are yelling.
All right. Fine. You want Famous Kid instead of Funny Kid, Redhill Middle School? You can have him.
I turn his microphone back on and drop mine. I turn around and head towards the fire exit.
Only the exit is blocked.
By The Fridge.
