Pip wants to eat famous people!
So I have some news.
Wait for it.
All right. Here we go . . .
They are filming some scenes for the new Captain Kickbutt movie in Redhill.
Yes, you read that right. Here. In Redhill. Where I live.
Nothing ever happens in Redhill! This is probably the most incredible thing to happen since Bertha from the bakery won the lottery. She bought herself a jet-powered pogo stick and was never seen again. That was when I was three. The only other thing worth mentioning was the time the circus visited Redhill and an elephant got loose and knocked over a line of Portaloos. Can you imagine? You’re sitting down to do your business when suddenly the entire toilet tips over with you inside. Actually . . . maybe don’t imagine that too much. I heard some people got quite sick. It made the national news.
Anyway, none of this is important. What is important is that Pip and Tyson’s dad is the famous actor George Khan. You’ve probably heard of him.
He’s playing Hammerhead in the new movie, which is great because there are probably going to be action figures of Pip and Tyson’s dad in the toyshop. I can’t imagine them making action figures of my dad. What would his weapon be? A spatula? I guess he could use his dressing gown as a cape.
Apparently there are going to be some scenes in the movie about Captain Kickbutt’s childhood. Captain Kickbutt grew up in a place a bit like Redhill, so they’re filming the kid scenes here. They’ve turned an old warehouse on the other side of town (which, rumour has it, used to store half the country’s canned chicken soup) into a film studio where they’ve built a fake school. Redhill has gone Hollywood!
It gets even better than that. They’re auditioning local talent to be in the movie, and if there’s one thing I am, it’s local talent. I’m the funny kid! And I think young Captain Kickbutt would have been a funny kid too. So who else do you think should get to play –
‘Is he here yet?’ Pip asks, looking everywhere. ‘Is he here yet?’
See? Pip knows what I’m talking about. I cough when I walk up behind her.
‘Who are you calling dinkle-squat?’ I say. ‘I’m about to be the star of the new Captain Kickbutt movie!’
I’m here at the film studio to audition. They’re doing a casting call for kids who want to be in the movie. None of my friends want to be in it. They don’t want to be famous. What they want is to see someone famous. I feel like they take me for granted.
I’d better show her. I flex. Hmmm, yeah. That’s not really working. I’ll show her later.
‘And a pearly white grin,’ says Pip.
‘I also have a pearly white grin,’ I reply and do my best celebrity smile.
Abby stares at me. ‘And he’s about six foot three.’
‘But, Max, your name is not Spencer Daniels,’ Pip sighs with a smile. ‘And Spencer Daniels is the cutest thing on two legs.’
Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention him.
So there’s a slight complication in my plan to be cast as the young Captain Kickbutt. It’s just a little thing. They’ve actually already cast a young Captain Kickbutt. It’s this Spencer Daniels kid who was on some TV talent show and the whole world decided was adorable. The little punk didn’t even win. He was beaten by a very flexible singing acrobat. I’m sure, once I get into my audition, they’ll realise that they’ve cast the wrong kid.
‘Oh, yeah, him,’ I say. ‘I think he’s my co-star.’
‘Max, you’re auditioning to be an extra,’ Abby says. ‘You’re not the star of the movie.’
‘Shhh,’ I tell her, pulling a piece of paper out of my pocket. ‘I’m practising my lines.’
‘You’re not going to have any –’ Abby starts to say, but she gets interrupted by Tyson screaming like an excited goat.
‘He’s here!’
Sure enough, a car pulls up to the front of the studio and out gets Spencer Daniels.
Now, I won’t admit this to the others, but I did do some googling of this kid earlier. He’s eleven, just like me. He’s regarded by most celebrity magazines as ‘The Cutest’, so that’s a little bit like me, and he also seems to be good at practically everything . . . so, bingo!
‘The Cutest’ gets out of a black limousine followed by an enormous muscly guy who must be his bodyguard. Spencer’s mum climbs out next, carrying a small mountain of shopping bags. Mrs Daniels is also quite famous after crying like crazy on the TV talent show when her son sang an Italian opera. Everyone remembers because she was wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘Spencer is a little god.’
‘Oh, wow,’ Pip gasps. ‘It’s really him! He’s just so . . . delicious.’
‘Ew. Weird,’ I say. Pip’s a cannibal. Who knew? ‘Now, where was I? I am Captain Kickbutt and I’m gonna kick your butt. I am Captain Kickbutt and I’m gonna kick your butt.’
‘Pssst, Max,’ Abby whispers. ‘I hate to break it to you, but you’re not going to be Captain Kickbutt. He is.’
‘Ooh.’ Abby grins. ‘So it’s like Funny Kid versus Famous Kid.’
‘Funny always wins.’
‘I don’t even know why you like this character anyway. He’s such a boofhead. Have you ever read my Hailey Plum books? You should read my Hailey Plum books. They’re so much better.’ I realise Abby is holding one in her hand.
‘Ooh, they sound interesting,’ Hugo says. ‘Can I borrow one?’
‘That is SO dumb,’ Abby says, rolling her eyes. ‘That’s what I love about Hailey Plum mysteries. She uses deductive reasoning and her superior observation skills to solve crimes. She’s super clever.’
I do an enormous fake yawn. Which makes me really yawn. Which makes the first yawn look very obviously fake. I hate it when that happens.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I fell asleep. What were you saying?’
Abby Purcell glares at me.
That’s when someone calls, ‘Max Walburt? Has anyone seen Max Walburt?’