‘It’s okay, little guinea pig. You’ll be fine up there. We’ll get you down in just a minute.’
Oh, don’t look at me like that. I know I just put a guinea pig in a tree, but it won’t be for long. And it’s all for a good cause. If I’m going to be a real superhero in Redhill, then I need to do real superhero things, like rescuing small children’s pets when they get stuck in trees. I’m not big on heights myself, but look at him. He seems happy enough up there.
Okay. I need to hide.
I jump behind a bush and wait.
It doesn’t take long.
I can hear Hugo’s voice coming up the path.
‘It’s okay, little girl. I found your guinea pig,’ Hugo says. ‘He’s stuck in this tree.’
I peek out from behind the bush. Hugo is walking towards me with the little girl who owns the guinea pig. This is all going according to plan.
The little girl sees her guinea pig up in the tree. ‘Oh, no!’ she says. ‘Poor Nibbles!’
Hugo screws up his face. ‘Your guinea pig is called Nipples?’
The little girl looks horrified.
Hugo looks up into the tree and shakes his head. ‘That’s way too high for me,’ he says, just like we planned. ‘You know what we need in Redhill, little girl? Our own real hero. If only we had a –’
That’s my cue.
I jump out of the bushes in full ThunderButt costume, my cape flapping in the wind.
‘What seems to be the problem here?’ I ask in my deep superhero voice.
‘Argh!’ the little girl screams. Why do people keep screaming every time I turn up? That never happens in Captain Kickbutt comics. No, they look really relieved and happy that a hero has turned up to save them. In Redhill, they look at me as though dressing up in a mask and a cape makes you some kind of weirdo. The girl asks, ‘Who are you?’
‘Oh, wow! That’s ThunderButt!’ Hugo says, just like we practised. ‘I’ve heard about him. He’s a real superhero!’
The little girl looks amazed. ‘Wow! Can you fly?’
Why is that always the first question? It’s presumptuous, that’s what it is. As though you’re only a real superhero if you can fly. Heaps of superheroes can’t fly and, frankly, it’s unfair to expect them to be able to! Cut us heroes some slack!
‘Ah, no. Not really. But I can jump off stuff. And swing a bit,’ I say.
She looks disappointed. See! Little kids these days have such high expectations! How about a little appreciation for the superhero that you do have, huh?
‘Then how can you rescue Nibbles?’ she asks, looking back up at her guinea pig.
Yeah. That’s a fair question.
‘Superheroes always have secret weapons and clever gadgets that they bring with them, little girl. ThunderButt is no different. I brought –’ I reach back into the bush ‘– a stool.’
It’s the same stool we used to put Nibbles up in the tree in the first place, so I know it works!
I pop the stool in front of the tree, climb up onto it without looking down and lift out the guinea pig.
‘Thank you, ThunderButt!’ says the little girl, running off.
‘You’re welcome!’ I call after her. ‘Go tell your friends that I saved Nibbles. And tell your parents about me. Your next door neighbours! Anyone you can!’
I turn to Hugo. I think that went well. ‘We have to come up with a catchphrase for ThunderButt,’ I say. ‘I need something to say when I burst out to save everyone.’
Hugo thinks for a bit. ‘What about, “Holy Butt!”’
‘Nah.’ I shake my head. ‘If I accidentally get that the wrong way round, I might end up yelling, “Butt Hole!” by mistake.’
‘Not quite the impression you want to make.’ Hugo nods. ‘What about, “With a great butt comes great responsibility!”’
‘Too long.’ I shake my head.
‘“Butts assemble?”’ he suggests.
‘Seriously?’ I ask, imagining a whole line of butts. Ew. How terrifying.
‘What about, “It’s ThunderButt time!”’
‘Yep, that’s all right,’ I admit. ‘That’ll do until we come up with something better.’
‘It’s ThunderButt time!’ Hugo yells again.
‘It’s okay, Norman. You don’t say it. I say it.’
I look where he is pointing. On the other side of the park is a road and there’s an old man trying to cross it. Only he’s dropped his shopping bag right in the middle of the street and now he’s chasing the rolling oranges around.
He hasn’t seen the bus coming down towards him! And given that the bus doesn’t seem to be slowing down, I don’t think the bus driver has seen him either!
Hugo wasn’t joking. It really is ThunderButt time!
I run across the park as fast as I can. I’ve never been very good at running, but now that I have this suit on, I feel like I can run faster than I’ve ever run before. My cape flaps in the wind behind me as I keep trying to go quicker and quicker.
I reach the road and the bus is still approaching. The old man, in his grey jumper, is actually quite hard to see on the grey road. He’s so focused on those oranges, he hasn’t seen the danger bearing down on him!
I do the only thing I can think to do. I leap onto the road in front of him. I hold out my hand towards the bus because that’s what superheroes seem to do. (Even though it’s really not going to do anything. I don’t think I’m strong enough to stop a bus.) I yell:
Maybe it is the flash of my bright yellow suit on the road. Maybe it is the red of my cape that’s the same colour as a stop sign. Maybe I actually do have superpowers. Whatever it is, the driver sees me and slams on his brakes.
The bus screeches to a halt.
The old man looks up in surprise.
‘It’s ThunderButt time,’ I whisper and realise that my heart is beating like crazy in my chest. I can’t move. It all happened so quickly I didn’t have time to be terrified, so weirdly I feel terrified now.
That’s when I realise that on the side of the road and inside the bus there are people looking at me. They’re taking photos with their phones. They’re clapping. They’re pointing and talking to each other.
I think I may have just become very famous.