Karl Schneider seemed in no hurry to leave. After dinner, Robert politely offered to let him stay at our home. Thankfully, as if on cue, just after Robert extended the invitation to Karl, baby Meg started to wind up like a siren. Elisabeth showed Danny how to put cotton in his ears. Aunt Martha scooted upstairs to listen to her radio show. Dog scratched at the door to go outside. Only William seemed unaffected.
“Does she do that often?” Karl asked, looking horrified.
“Oh yes!” I answered, hoping that would convince him to decline Robert’s invitation.
Karl quickly insisted that he planned to stay at the Copper Queen Hotel in Bisbee. The louder Baby Meg got, the more eager Karl looked to leave. Robert volunteered to drive him over to Bisbee but Karl insisted that he would find his own means.
Robert started to tell him that there were no such means in Copper Springs but I interrupted him. “Karl found his way to Copper Springs, Robert. He can certainly find his way to Bisbee. Even back to Germany.” From the way Robert’s eyebrows shot up, my words must have come out harsher than I intended. I tried to smooth the look on my face.
“Nonsense,” Robert said, frowning at me. “Borrow my car, Karl. I won’t need it for a few days.”
“Thank you, Reverend. I’ll take good care of it and return it soon. I plan to stay in the area for a while and take a much needed holiday.”
I glared at Karl but he avoided my eyes.
As we settled Danny into William’s room, Elisabeth actually volunteered to help change sheets, show Danny where to keep his toothbrush in the bathroom, and even helped him to unpack, which didn’t take long.
As I studied her face, I realized that I had never seen her look happy, truly happy, before this evening. Robert gave her that by bringing Danny here. He gave her happiness.
William, too, was beaming. He had the older brother he never knew he wanted.
We found some old pajamas of Robert’s for Danny to wear, though the pants legs folded in puddles around his ankles. I took Danny’s tattered clothes downstairs so Aunt Martha could wash them for school in the morning. She looked the clothes over and shook her head.
“The next time we go to Bisbee, we’ll have to get Danny some new clothes,” I said.
Aunt Martha picked up the clothes with two fingers. “Well, that Danny has done something no one else could do.”
“What is that?”
“Elisabeth finally stopped talking. Not a word during dinner. She just stares at him as if she was seeing Lazarus back from the dead.”
She was right. Elisabeth’s eyes followed Danny’s every move as if she thought she was dreaming and might wake up.
Later, in my bedroom, after baby Meg gave up her last howl for the night and fell into a sleep so deep that an explosion couldn’t wake her, the time had come to tell Robert about the past Karl and I shared, but I…I just couldn’t make myself do it. Not now.
Soon, though.
Maybe, I reasoned, Karl might just return to Germany.
Or maybe, just maybe, it could be true that Karl was close on the trail of Friedrich Mueller.
In my mind, Karl’s only redeeming feature was that he was willing to pursue Herr Mueller. The judge’s nephew, on whom rested my greatest hope for justice, showed no interest despite my repeated pleas. Repeated badgering, Robert would call it, if he knew, which was exactly why he didn’t know I was still trying to locate Herr Mueller. Last month, the judge’s nephew sent me one terse, typed reply: “Find proof, Mrs. Gordon. Then, we’ll talk.”
Perhaps Karl had discovered irrefutable evidence. As I brushed out my hair, I decided to write to the judge’s nephew tomorrow, imploring him to come to Copper Springs at once.
In the morning, Elisabeth and I walked Danny to the high school to register him for tenth grade. Mrs. Olasky’s eyebrows were raised in alarm as we entered her office. “Another one?” she asked, looking distressed, as she pulled out registration forms to fill out.
I steeled myself for a three o’clock phone call from the school, expecting a litany of complaints about Danny just as there were for Elisabeth. But the call never came. I went outside with baby Meg to watch for their homecoming. After a while, I saw Danny turn the corner, reading a book as he walked, with Elisabeth hurrying behind to keep up with his long stride. In the kitchen, Danny ate a snack, then two more, went straight up to his room to do his schoolwork, finished, came downstairs and asked if he could help.
Aunt Martha raised an eyebrow at Elisabeth, sitting at the kitchen table with her school books spread open. She still hadn’t even started her homework. Before Aunt Martha could think up a chore, William offered to show Danny around town. Elisabeth slammed her math book shut and hopped out of her chair to join them but Aunt Martha pointed at her empty chair. “Sit. Do your spelling.”
Elisabeth glared at her but plopped back down in her chair. She had found a worthy opponent in Aunt Martha. When it came to mule-headed stubbornness, I’d say they were evenly matched.
After dinner, Robert flipped on the radio to hear the evening news while we were all in the parlor. The announcer said a team of five hundred German scientists, led by Wernher von Braun, had been scooped up by the Americans after surrendering. The U.S. Army had installed the team in Texas to help develop rockets.
“Have you heard of Wernher von Braun, Danny?” Robert asked, noticing the thoughtful look on Danny’s face.
“Ja,” Danny replied, a serious look on his face. “Wernher von Braun created the first self-contained rocket.”
“That’s right! The V-2,” Robert said, looking pleased.
The ‘V’ was for ‘Vergeltungswaffen,’ meaning weapons of reprisal. Revenge. Robert had recently shown me an article about the V-2. One had recently been confiscated and brought to the United States to dissect; it was discovered to have been based on the design of American scientist Robert Goddard.
“Danny, how did you ever learn so much about rockets?” Robert asked, turning the volume down on the radio.
Danny cast a sideways glance at Elisabeth. “There vas a man in the camp who vas sent to Dachau from Mittelwerk.”
My eyes went wide. “Mittelwerk? The plant where they made the V-2’s?”
“Ja.” Danny nodded.
“Then he worked with von Braun?”
Danny looked uncomfortable. “For him. Not vit him.”
“He worked for von Braun?” Robert asked, practically jumping out of his chair.
“Ja,” Danny answered solemnly. Danny didn’t look quite as excited as Robert did.
Neither did I. To be fair to Robert, he didn’t know what Danny and I knew about Wernher von Braun or about Mittelwerk. Von Braun had joined the Nazi party in 1933 and later became an SS guard. Next to Mittelwerk was a concentration camp; Von Braun’s team used slave labor to help build the V-2’s.
“Where is your friend now?” I asked Danny, hoping the man was still alive.
Danny pushed his glasses up on his nose. “The Nazis used him for a while, to help create the rockets, then after he taught them all he knew, they sent him to Dachau. He vas a Jude.” He lowered his head, then lifted it up, symbolically.
I noticed he didn’t answer my question.
Danny looked at Robert. “I think that God sent me to the camp to meet that man. I vant to go to University and become a rocket scientist. But I vant to use them to go to outer space. Not to kill people, like the V-2.”
I glanced protectively over at Elisabeth. Her face looked tight, her lips in a thin, white line. Her fingernails dug into her palms. I could see her anger building; she looked as if she was just about to explode. In my mind popped a countdown: Five, four, three, two, one.
“Stop!” she shouted, just as I expected. “Stop talking about it!”
Danny calmly turned to her. “I don’t vant to ever forget, Elisheva,” he softly answered, calling her by the Hebrew version of her name. “Do you vant to forget the villager who threw apples at us over the fence every so often? Or the day vhen a voman threw a loaf of bread at us, sliced vit butter, vhen ve vent outside the barracks to collect lumber from the train? There vere good people, too, Elisheva.”
She jumped up and faced him, eyes blazing. “And do you vant to forget the day vhen you voke up in the barracks and found dat man dat you talk about—dat rocket man—vas dead? Do you vant to forget dat you took his clothes off and vore them yourself? Do you vant to forget how hungry ve vere? So hungry dat ve ate vood one day! No! I do not vant to remember dos tings.”
Unfazed by her outburst, Danny said quietly, “Elisheva, ve do not have to be chained to our memories. But ve must not forget.”
“Steig ab! Sprich nicht davon!” Stop talking!
“Elisheva, if ve do not remember, it could happen again to our people.”
She stared at him for a long moment, before she flew upstairs to her bedroom. I exchanged a sorrowful glance with Robert and followed her up, finding her face down on her bed.
“Go avay. I vant to be alone,” she sputtered as I rubbed her back.
I knew she wanted me there, but I also knew to stay silent. What could I say, anyway? What words could heal that hurt?
Soon, she rolled over and sagged onto me, sobs racking through her tiny body. She began to weep, great heartbreaking cries. A healing cry, I hoped.
Later that night, Robert turned toward me in bed, head propped up on his elbow. “Louisa, were you ever as hungry as Danny and Elisabeth? So hungry you would eat wood?”
I switched off my bedside lamp and lay facing the ceiling. “No, not like that.”
“But you were hungry?”
“Yes. Often.”
“I remember how thin you were when you arrived here. The bones of your wrist were as light and delicate as my mother’s china.”
“No longer,” I said, holding my hand up in the air. I had gained plenty of weight since moving to America. And, as Aunt Martha frequently pointed out, I still hadn’t lost extra weight from my pregnancy.
“I’m so sorry.”
I glanced at him in the dark. “It was in the past, Robert. And it’s in the past for Elisabeth and Danny.”
He took my hand and kissed its palm, then held it close to his heart as he laid his head on his pillow.
Now, Louisa, I told myself. Now would be the time to tell him about Karl. Say it, Louisa.
But then I heard Robert’s steady breathing deepen into sleep.
Not tonight, then, but soon.
The next morning, before breakfast, Danny picked up William’s Slinky on the counter. “Interessant,” he murmured under his breath, looking at it with the same fascination that Robert had. He pulled it apart. “It must be based on Hooke’s law of physics.”
“Hooke?” Robert asked, putting down his coffee cup. “Robert Hooke?”
“Ja,” Danny answered knowledgably, eyes glued to the Slinky. “A scientist of the seventeenth century. His law explains these coil springs.” He glanced over at Robert. “The change in dimension is proportional to stress.” Danny continued to play with the Slinky, putting it on the top of the kitchen table, letting it roll down and continue on its path, undeterred by Dog’s persistent barking.
Robert watched Danny with an unmistakable gleam of admiration shining in his eyes.
Even Aunt Martha seemed pleased Danny had joined our family. Well, pleased would be a strong adjective to describe Aunt Martha. Not unpleased might be more accurate. Somehow, though, I think her sweetening temperament had more to do with the judge’s frequent visits to the kitchen than with Danny’s arrival.
Later that day, the judge found me at the clothesline hanging up diapers. “Louisa, any chance that you know of something Martha is particularly fond of?”
“Pardon? Something she is fond of?” Aunt Martha wasn’t fond of anything. She disapproved of most everything. And everyone.
“Well, yes. Something to do.”
Oh! Now understanding, I looked at that kind, courtly man. “She enjoys going to the picture shows in Bisbee,” I said, trying not to smile. I handed him a clean wet diaper and two clothespins to hang it with but he looked at them as if he had never before seen such things.
“What’s that smell?” he asked, sniffing the diaper.
“Clorox bleach. It kills germs. Aunt Martha likes to use it for laundry. And just about anything else she can bleach.” Not that a germ could stand a chance around Martha Gordon. “Judge, have you heard any word from your nephew? Do you think that he will be coming to visit Copper Springs soon?”
The judge peered at me with twinkling blue eyes. “Still convinced you can nail ol’ Mueller, eh Louisa? Well, I admire your tenacity.” He handed me the diaper and clothespins and walked away, whistling.
The judge didn’t take my intent to find Herr Mueller seriously. No one did.
Except for Karl.
* * * *
“Dad? Did you know that we’re kike lovers?” asked William during lunch on Sunday.
Everyone stopped eating, forks suspended in mid-air. Unaware, William pounded the bottom of the ketchup bottle to get the ketchup moving. Finally, he stopped hitting the bottle and looked at Robert.
Robert was scowling. “William, please don’t use that word.”
“What word?” William asked.
“You know what word,” Robert said.
Williams tilted his head. “But what does it mean?”
Robert’s eyes darted between Elisabeth, Danny and me. “It is a rude word to describe a Jewish person.”
“Oh,” William said, sticking a knife down the ketchup bottle to get it moving. “Then what’s a Jewish person?”
Robert sighed. “A Jewish person is one born to the Hebrews. From the tribe of Judah.”
William opened his mouth to ask another question as a car backfired in the driveway. It sounded like our Chrysler.
Elisabeth ran to the kitchen door. “It’s Karl!” She opened the door and waved him in.
Karl tousled her hair as he passed by her, causing an uncontrollable grin to spread across her face. He returned the keys to Robert without volunteering how or where he had spent the last week. “I filled up the tank with gas, but there is an odd noise in the engine,” was all he said.
“Vhat kind of noise?” Danny asked. “A rattle or a pop?”
“I don’t know,” Karl answered. “Maybe both.”
Danny jumped up from the table. “Reverend, if you don’t mind, I vould like to take a look at it.”
“Mind?” Robert jumped up. “I don’t mind at all! Let’s go see.”
Robert, William and Danny ran outside to check the engine in that useless car. Even Robert admitted recently that it drove so slowly he wondered if the engine came from a sewing machine. Aunt Martha started to clear the table. I stood to help her, but she told me to go keep our guest company. She shooed Karl and me out of her kitchen as Elisabeth slipped out the door to join the boys.
Karl and I went into the parlor. Awkwardness settled over us like a blanket. I sat down and looked out the window.
“Annika—,” he started.
“Louisa,” I corrected, giving him a sharp look. I quickly looked away again. Karl had dangerous eyes—mysterious and distant. Even after all of this time, it was hard to look at them for very long without feeling swept away.
“I hear you are planning a concert to benefit Germany. I’d like to join you.”
“Where did you hear that?” I bit my lip. “Elisabeth is supposed to be playing, too, but I haven’t even talked to her about it. She doesn’t like to play.” I looked down at my hands and said, more to myself than to Karl, “She needs to do this, though. The people in this town need to hear her play the piano.”
“She is quite good, as I remember.”
Still looking out the window, I answered, “It’s…too painful for her to play.” I turned to him. “She doesn’t want to remember.” Nor did I.
“Perhaps I could convince her to play.” He tilted in his head. “It would be good for her to come to terms with her past.”
We both knew he was talking about more than piano playing.
I frowned at him. “But the concert isn’t scheduled for a few more weeks. You won’t be here that long.”
He shrugged. “I’ll stay on.”
I looked at him skeptically. “Just how long do you intend to remain in Copper Springs?”
He leveled his eyes at me. “As long as it takes to find Mueller. I made you a promise and I intend to keep it.”
I glanced into the kitchen, worried Aunt Martha could hear us. “So what exactly have you learned about Herr Mueller?” I whispered, almost combatively.
He sat down next to me and lowered his voice. “I think he is close by.”
I stood. “Yes, you already told me.”
He stood, too. “I have spent the last few days trying to track down his latest steps.”
“And have you learned anything?”
He went over to the window to watch Danny lean into the car engine. “I bought a motorcycle. Used.”
“Why?”
Patiently, as if he was talking to a child, he explained, “How else could I pursue leads on Mueller?”
“What leads, Karl?”
Just then, William burst into the parlor from the front door. “Mom! Danny found the problem. It was the carber-thing. He fixed it!”
“Carburetor,” Karl supplied, smiling at William. Then he looked straight at me. “I should go. Annika, I want to help with this concert. Anything to help our country. Anything to help Elisabeth.”
“Louisa,” I answered flatly.
Karl shook his head, as if trying to etch that name in his mind. “Forgive me.” He opened the door to leave. “I won’t make that mistake again. You can count on me.”
Could I?
William watched him go and turned to face me. “Why did he call you Annika?”
Little slips, little slips.
I looked at his earnest little face. His cobalt blue eyes missed nothing. “I must remind him of someone he once knew.”
* * * *
“Mom!” William burst into my room on Saturday morning while I was changing the baby. “Danny is going to teach me how to build a rocket with stuff in the garage. Okay?”
“What stuff? William, what stuff?”
Too late. He had already rushed back down the stairs and disappeared into the garage.
I shook my head. Why was I worried? How many things could be in our garage that could actually create a rocket?
Danny and William spent the day clanking around the garage. I kept peeking nervously through the kitchen window, but all I could see was Elisabeth, sitting on the workbench, swinging her legs back and forth, looking bored.
Later that day, Robert received an irate call from the priest at the Catholic church to come down to collect William, Danny and Elisabeth. Dog, too.
It wasn’t long before they all returned. Looking pale, Danny, William and Elisabeth quietly marched through the kitchen to head straight to their rooms, silently passing Aunt Martha and me as if on their way to walk the gang plank.
Robert, though, had a different take on the situation. “Apparently,” he explained, eyes twinkling as he filled a glass of milk from the icebox, “the boys rigged a toy wagon with some leftover fireworks they found in the garage. Danny knew they needed a wide street to set it off so he picked a spot near the Catholic church. Unfortunately, he fired it up just as a wedding had finished and people were pouring out of the church doors.”
Robert started laughing and had to put his glass on the counter to keep it from spilling. “It was just bad timing. Danny had no idea there was a wedding going on. But the bride’s mother was furious.” Still grinning, he turned to head out the kitchen door to his office, shaking his head in wonder. “Sorry I missed it. Sounds like that toy wagon took off down the street!”
* * * *
“Milk is here, Martha!” called out the milkman early one morning, stomping his legs on the kitchen stoop. She waved him in and hurried to fill up a cup of hot coffee. “It’s cold out there this morning.”
“Don’t complain. Summer will be here soon enough,” she answered, handing him the steaming cup.
He leaned against the counter and sipped, watching the steam curl out of his coffee.
“So what’s new in Copper Springs today?” I asked him as I put the baby in the bouncy chair Barb Bunker had loaned me.
“Actually,” he started thoughtfully, “it’s what isn’t new. Nothing missing for over a week now.”
I exchanged an uneasy look with Aunt Martha. I hadn’t given a thought to the town scrounging since, well, since Danny arrived. The coincidence of the timing was hard to ignore. Elisabeth had barely left the house since Danny had arrived, preferring to follow him around like a devoted puppy.
* * * *
The concert date was right around the corner. Karl had found time—from whatever it was he was doing to track down Herr Mueller—to have a talk with Elisabeth about the concert. She readily agreed to participate, he told me, which only irked me.
This afternoon, Karl arrived to practice for the concert. He came early to supposedly help Elisabeth with her spelling words. The two of them sat at the kitchen table, going over words again and again, until she felt confident. It was the very first time Elisabeth showed interest in homework. Somehow, that thought didn’t cheer me.
As conflicted as I felt about having Karl participate in the concert, it definitely felt more professional with his involvement. We ran through the entire program, twice.
“Stay for dinner,” Elisabeth ordered Karl when we finished for the day.
“Not tonight,” I interrupted. “Robert performed two weddings today for Reverend Hubbell over in Douglas and he will be tired.”
Karl fixed a bright blue gaze on me. “Another time,” he said smoothly. He turned to Elisabeth. “When people get older, they tire more easily.”
I shot a suspicious look at him but he avoided my eyes.
Robert was exhausted when he arrived home just before dinner. He did look older tonight, I thought, annoyed with Karl for pointing that out. I thought I even noticed a feather of gray at his temples. He went upstairs to wash up as I called to the boys to come inside.
Suddenly, a thunderous explosion came from the direction of the garage.
Aunt Martha dropped the milk bottle, splattering milk and broken glass all over the kitchen. I ran outside as both Danny and William tumbled out of the garage, eyes wide but laughing. Danny’s glasses were nearly sideways on his face.
“We did it!” they shouted. “We made a rocket!” William did a little dance of joy.
Robert burst out the kitchen door. “What just happened?!”
I thought he would be angry, angry in the way Aunt Martha got when children were out of control, but Robert was delighted with the boys’ ingenuity. His eyes twinkled with possibilities as he listened to their recounting. “Tell you what,” he said. “You’ve got the right idea. All that we need to do is put fuel in a tube and a hole at the bottom of it.”
“Vhat kind of fuel?” asked Danny.
Robert grinned. “Probably something besides old powder from cherry bombs.” He turned over the remains of their flashlight-turned-rocket held together by splayed electrical tape. “I think there might be a way to improve this model. You did a great job considering you had crude equipment.”
He glanced up at the hole in the roof of the garage and then over at the kitchen, watching Aunt Martha wipe milk off the inside of the window. “But from now on, I think we’ll set off the rockets in the desert.”
* * * *
After lunch on Saturday, Karl stopped by to practice for the recital. He had chosen a duet for the two of us to perform, a piece we had played together years ago. I wasn’t comfortable with his choice but at least I was familiar with the music. At this late date, I couldn’t afford to be choosy. “First, though, I brought a book for Danny. Is he here?” he asked, when I answered the door.
Danny heard Karl’s voice and bolted downstairs.
“Look, Danny! I found a book on physics. It has a chapter on Newton’s third law,” Karl said when he saw him.
“Vhat’s dat?” asked Elisabeth, trailing behind Danny.
Danny lunged for th*e book, flipping it open to its table of contents. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” he said, pushing his glasses up on his nose.
Robert came to the door, interested by the discussion. “I was just about to help Danny and William mix up a new fuel. Want to help us?” he asked Karl.
The hopeful look on Danny and Elisabeth’s face made me snap. “Karl has some practicing to do,” I answered for him, sounding ruder than I intended. “For the concert.” The last thing I wanted was for my family to become attached to Karl Schneider. I already knew he had stolen Elisabeth’s and Danny’s heart. Even Aunt Martha seemed to be less cranky when he was around.
“She’s right,” Karl said, laughing. “We’d better get to the church. I need the practice.”
But he really didn’t. Karl was a remarkably gifted pianist. He had such sensitivity to the music, a oneness with the composer’s intention. The music was powerful, achingly beautiful.
Today, when we finished the duet, at just the right notes, at just the right moment, as if we had rehearsed it for weeks, I remained silent, looking down at the keyboard, watching our hands.
For one fleeting, dangerous moment, time reversed. It felt as if we were back in Berlin University practice rooms, before the war had started, with my father at home waiting for me. Everything was so familiar. Even Karl’s smell. His aftershave took me right back. I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering.
He gently traced my chin with his finger before resting it on my lips.
So familiar.
So wrong.
With a jolt, I opened my eyes and was back in Copper Springs.
Leaning closer, he whispered in my ear, “Do you remember our dream to travel the world and give concerts?”
“You ended that, Karl.” I scooped up the music sheets, preparing to leave.
His face dimmed with regret. “And look what I have done to you now.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What does that mean?”
“You were destined for greater things than the life of an ordinary hausfrau in a provincial town, raising somebody else’s children.”
“There’s nothing ordinary about my life,” I said, sounding peeved. I was peeved. His words cut me to the quick. “And I love my family.”
“Loving them is different than being in love.” Then he quietly added, “He is old enough to be your father.”
“Robert and I are only eight years apart, Karl.” Nearly nine, but eight sounded closer. I stood up to leave.
He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. “I know, I know. I’m not trying…I don’t mean to interfere…” His eyes started to glisten.
I shook his hand off of my arm. “Karl, why are you really here?”
“I need to make it up to you. Somehow, I must make amends. I will find Heinrich Mueller for you and bring him to justice.”
I tilted my head curiously. Heinrich Mueller was the head of the Gestapo. He disappeared after Hitler committed suicide and had yet to be found. “Friedrich,” I corrected. “Friedrich Mueller.”
Karl shook his head as if it was a minor verbal error. “Of course, I meant Friedrich Mueller.”
“Karl, find proof that Mueller is here. Soon.” My arms crossed over my chest, determined. “Or, after the concert, you must leave Copper Springs.”
He looked as if I had slapped him. I turned to leave.
“Mom!” William burst into the church and ran up to me. “Baby!” he shouted, gasping for air. “Crying hard!” He pulled on my hand, wanting me to hurry. “Aunt Martha’s mad!”
He ran ahead, holding open the church door for me. As I joined him, he peered at me, still panting heavily. “What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Your face looks upset.” He pulled his face with both hands, making it tight and tense, to show me what he meant. “You always look that way around Karl.”
Alarmed at his perceptivity, I tried to smooth that particular look off of my face. No doubt my face looked just the way I felt: unsettled and uncertain.
As soon as I got back to the parsonage, I rescued the baby from Aunt Martha and took her upstairs to calm her down, holding her fuzzy down head close to me. Karl’s remarks nettled me, stirring up discontent. Even back in University, he told me my dreams were too small.
What frightened me was that everything Karl said was true. Ever since Meg had been born, I felt as if I could see my life stretched out ahead of me: changing yet another diaper, facing down another day of Elisabeth’s defiant attitude, acting as a buffer for the on-going battle of territory between Aunt Martha and Dog, teaching piano lessons to those incorrigible Hobbs boys to help pay for basic bills.
I fought a sinking feeling that my days of significance were over.
I tucked the baby, now asleep, in her bassinet and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror hanging on the closet door. I put my face right up to it. Was that really me? Dark circles under my eyes from a wakeful baby. Extra pounds from my pregnancy that I couldn’t quite get rid of. I put a hand up to my hair. I used to love my hair. Thick dark waves that cascaded down my back. It was my favorite feature. Now, I threw it into a ponytail just to keep it out of my way.
Karl was right. I had become a dull hausfrau. I lay down on my bed, fighting tears, feeling sad. Feeling guilty. I was horrified with myself for letting down my guard with Karl. I had nearly let him kiss me. What was happening to me? I almost didn’t recognize myself.
I must have drifted off, just long enough to fall deeply asleep and wake up disoriented, in a thick haze. I heard the telltale backfiring of Robert’s Chrysler as it pulled up into the driveway. The kitchen door banged open. Sounding like cavemen back from a successful hunt, Robert, William and Danny’s cheerful voices floated upstairs as they described the rocket launch to Aunt Martha. Dog barked once, then twice, to be let in the door, as Aunt Martha grumbled loudly about his dirty paws. Elisabeth sat down at the piano bench and began to play her song.
I heard their voices, a happy chaos, and my heart melted. From somewhere deep inside of me, joy bubbled up, dispelling doubts Karl had planted. We weren’t a perfect family, but we loved each other. We belonged to each other.
Later that night, just after switching off my bedside light, I peeked over Robert’s shoulder to see if he was still awake. “Robert?”
“Hmm?” he mumbled.
I put my chin on his shoulder. “I know I’ve told you I love you, but have I ever told you that I’m in love with you?”
He yawned. “Is there a difference?”
“I don’t know. Maybe not. I just wanted you to know.”
He rolled over, looked at me curiously for a moment, then pulled me close to kiss me.
* * * *
After that upsetting conversation with Karl on the piano bench, I decided not to be alone with him any more. I made certain Elisabeth was included for the remaining practice sessions.
When the night of the concert finally came, we waited in Robert’s office for the church to fill. As I finished putting a large bow in Elisabeth’s hair, suddenly she looked unsure. “Do you really tink I can do dis, Louisa?” she whispered.
I smiled at her solemn, hungry eyes. “I know you can, Elisabeth.”
Karl stood up, cucumber cool. “Ready, ladies?” He opened the door for us. I took Elisabeth’s hand and we walked into the church, as ready as we were going to be.
Afterwards, when the concert was over, the three of us stood in front of the audience and took a bow, one by one. I bowed first, cheeks blushing as I caught the look on Robert’s proud face with baby Meg in his arms. Next to him, standing on his chair, William clapped wildly. Even Aunt Martha couldn’t hide her pleasure, but it might have been because the judge was seated next to her. Cousin Ada was seated on the other side of the judge. She looked as if she might faint from an overdose of happiness, though that was not an uncommon look for her.
Next came Karl’s turn to bow. The audience’s applause grew even louder, just as I would have expected. I played well, Elisabeth played even better, but Karl played brilliantly. As if his life had never been interrupted by a world war.
How foolish it was for him to think that he needed to bump me out of the competition years ago. Karl’s talent far exceeded mine or anyone else’s. He was always the best.
But then Elisabeth took her bow, and the entire audience rose to their feet. She looked puzzled at first, not understanding. Then her face erupted into joy.
Smiling, I glanced at Karl. As he realized that Elisabeth was receiving a standing ovation, I saw a dark shadow flit across his face.
Suddenly, what had been a blur for me came into sharp focus.
The Ladies Altar Guild held a reception for us in the church basement. As we headed down the stairs, Ada swooped toward us. “Louisa, I insist that you let me have Elisabeth for the summer. I know a music teacher in Phoenix who can prepare her for Julliard. That talent must be developed! Surely you agree! It won’t happen here in Copper Springs.”
Aunt Martha interrupted. “She’s not your show pony, Ada.”
Robert and I exchanged a look of surprise. Aunt Martha seemed bolder with Ada now that the judge seemed to be courting her openly.
Uncharacteristically, Ada raised an eyebrow but let that comment pass by.
“You should go this summer, Elisheva,” Danny volunteered.
Elisabeth turned to look at Danny, chin quivering, her face filled with a painful awareness. “You vant me to go avay?”
He nodded. “You have a chance to develop God’s gift. You should go.”
She looked as if she was about to cry. “Fine, denn. I vill go,” she spat out, before turning and running back up the stairs.
Danny watched her go, undisturbed, and turned to me. “Vhat is Julliard?”
“It’s a university for musicians.”
“She should go.” He spotted William, already down at the cookie table, stuffing cookies into his coat pocket, and hurried to join him.
I followed Robert to the punch table and asked him why men were so oblivious to women’s feelings.
“How so?” he asked, pouring a glass of punch.
“How could Danny not even realize that Elisabeth is in love with him?”
“What?!” He roared, spilling the punch down his trousers. He grabbed some napkins and started to pat his pants down. “Don’t tell me I brought two teenagers in love into our home? Please tell me I didn’t do that.”
“I don’t think Danny feels that way about Elisabeth, if that makes you feel any better.”
“Somehow, it doesn’t,” Robert said, looking pale. “It makes me feel worse.”
As we got ready for bed that night, Robert asked me if I really thought Elisabeth loved Danny. The thought was bothering him. It bothered me, too, but it was hardly a new thought for me.
“Haven’t you noticed how she looks at him? Even Aunt Martha has noticed.” And Aunt Martha was not a woman known for noticing.
He frowned. “But how could I have missed that?”
How indeed! “Well, anyway, first love is sweet.”
Still distracted, he buttoned the top button of his pajama shirt and climbed into bed.
Say it, Louisa. It’s time to tell him. “Robert, do you ever wish we had been first for each other?”
“Hmm?” he mumbled, pulling the blanket up over him.
“Do you ever wish we had met each other first? If my father had emigrated before the war, like I had wanted him to, and if we had moved to the United States. Maybe you and I would have met and loved each other first.”
He gave me a patronizing look. “Louisa, I’m nine years older than you.”
“Eight.”
“Nearly nine,” he corrected. “We met when we were meant to meet.” He switched off his light.
I sighed. This wasn’t easy.
He rolled over to face me. “What do you mean about loving each other first?”
“You know.” I meant Ruth. And Karl.
“I know what you mean for me, but what did you mean for you?”
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. I should have told him months ago, when I first returned from Germany. “When I first attended University, I met a young man.”
He propped up his head on his elbow, now giving me his full attention.
“He became an important person to me.”
“Just how important?” he asked.
I looked down at my hands. “We had planned to marry.”
Robert raised his eyebrows, interested. “So what happened?”
“He made a terrible decision one night, and it could never be the same between us.” I told him how this man had betrayed my father. Robert listened carefully but I could tell he hadn’t made the connection of Karl yet.
Lord, please help him to understand.
“Why haven’t you told me this before?” was all he asked as he leaned back on his pillow.
I took a deep breath. “Because that man was Karl Schneider.”
He jerked his chin up and accidentally hit the back of his head on the headboard. “Ouch!” Rubbing the back of his head, he sat up and switched the light on. It looked as if this was going to be a long night.
There were a number of reasons that I dreaded telling Robert about Karl. Mainly, Robert’s first wife, Ruth, had an affair with Herr Mueller. I thought Robert would immediately assume that he would be betrayed again. I expected him to withdraw, cold and distant.
Tonight, he shocked me. He calmly questioned me about Karl. I explained how Karl had found Elisabeth. “I had no idea Karl was the one who tracked me to Copper Springs until I saw him at the shelter.”
I still hadn’t found out how he was able to locate me. Karl gave me vague answers whenever I asked him. That was one more thing that bothered me about Karl. His story wasn’t adding up.
Robert stood up and went to gaze out the window, crossing his arms against his chest. “What does he want from you now?”
“He said he wants me to forgive him.”
He turned and looked directly at me. “So that’s why he hasn’t left yet?”
“Yes. No. Well…you see…” This was the other reason I had avoided telling Robert about Karl. I took a deep breath. “I told Karl the only way that I could forgive him would be if he found Friedrich Mueller.”
Robert groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Louisa, what do you think you will gain by catching Mueller? Do you think you will make right all the wrongs Germany committed?”
“No, of course not.” But it would be a start.
“Mueller is long gone, Louisa. How many times do we have to go over this?”
“But what about the man in William’s photographs?”
“A drifter.” He sat down on the bed. “The scrounging has stopped, too. If…and I mean this very hypothetically…if Mueller were still here… things would continue to disappear. Mueller still has to eat.”
“What if he knew Karl was closing in on him? Maybe he is going to Douglas or Bisbee for supplies.”
Again, Robert rolled his eyes. “Louisa, Mueller is a very rich man. Why would he be hiding in Copper Springs, stealing food out of your little garden? It’s preposterous. Mueller is in some remote part of the world, having a heydey with all of the other Nazis.” He leaned over to switch off the light. “It’s time to put an end to this, Louisa. As long as you think you can find him, you are still letting him control our lives.”
He stretched out on the bed. Suddenly, he bolted up and switched the light back on. “What did you just say? What did you mean when you said Karl was closing in on him?”
Oh that. I explained that Karl thought he had found some evidence Herr Mueller had never left the area after killing Ruth, Robert’s wife. He had disappeared without a trace.
Robert hung his head, as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. I braced myself for a stern lecture about Herr Mueller. Again, I was wrong. Instead, he said, “Look at the lengths Karl has to go to, in order to earn your forgiveness. I never imagined you as a hypocrite.”
My eyes grew wide.
He reminded me of the many times I had admonished him to forgive others. “Most recently,” he pointed out, “my sister, Alice. You invited her to our home and practically demanded that I forgive her! But you were right, Louisa. It was wrong of me to hang on to old bitterness.”
I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. I hadn’t expected this line of reasoning and wasn’t prepared for it. “You can’t compare a runaway sister with a man who was responsible for the death of my father.”
“What about Ruth, then? You told me I needed to forgive her, too.”
He had me there.
“So there’s a limit to forgiving someone?”
I glared at him. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Louisa, you told me if someone asks for your forgiveness, it would be a sin to withhold it. You said that.”
“Yes, but—”
“Why are you always so sure about others and so blind about yourself?” Now he was starting to use his pulpit voice.
I tried to jump in to cut off his sermon, but he held up a hand to stop me from interrupting.
He listed all of Karl’s sincere efforts to seek forgiveness: finding Elisabeth and tracking me down to reunite us, delivering Danny to Copper Springs.
My excuses faded. I never dreamed I’d be listening to Robert defend Karl Schneider.
“And he has asked you for forgiveness, Louisa. How can you refuse someone who asks for forgiveness? It isn’t true forgiveness if it comes with conditions.”
Maybe not, but if Karl could find Herr Mueller, it would be easier.