RUTH STARLING SHOULD HAVE been happy, in spite of the cold teeth of a Blue Norther that had come screaming out of the panhandle into central Texas several hours ago. As she walked across campus toward the student union center, the gale bit into her face and ears. The cold, however, was nothing compared to the chill in Jerry’s voice when, after several days of trying, she finally reached him at his dorm.
“Jerry, I have something important I must talk to you about. I’ve been calling you ever since I got back. I’ve checked by your carrel in the library, looked for you in the cafeteria…everywhere. I’ve been so worried.”
She hoped her tone conveyed both sincerity and her feeling of urgency.
“I know,” he replied.
There was a long pause, and Ruth knew immediately that someone else, probably his own parents, had given him the news ahead of her. She wanted to be the one to share with him one of the most important decisions of her life, but his tone of voice told her she was too late.
She remembered her promise on the night he first kissed her five years ago in Cameron Park, a promise she knew he must feel she had broken.
“I’m sorry,” she said, knowing he would understand her meaning, “But I still need to see you.”
“Where and when,” he snapped, betraying deep hurt..
“In the student lounge, right after your last class?” She waited. “Is that okay?”
For a moment, she thought he’d hung up.
“Fine,” he finally said curtly.
“Jerry…” She had no idea what she would have said had she not heard the click on the other end of the line.
Ruth made her decision while home for the holidays, and had wanted to call and tell Jerry about it immediately. However, knowing she could not reach him at Hilton Head, she decided to wait until she returned to school. Today was her first opportunity to give him the news.
Last Sunday she had been hard-pressed to explain her actions, even to her parents. As they had sat around the old wooden table in their kitchen she tried to express her feeling of rightness about the decision she had made that evening in response to the visiting missionary’s message.
Based on a text taken from Matthew 24:14, where Jesus said, “This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come,” the missionary’s message was entitled The Last Tribe.
His sermon, meant to challenge young people to consider missionary service as a calling for their lives, had certainly challenged Ruth, especially at the conclusion when he said, “some young person here might be God’s choice to share His message with the last people on earth never to have heard about Christ before He returns.”
“I can’t explain it exactly,” Ruth said, as she searched her parents’ faces for understanding, “but do you remember the book in the church library that captivated me when I was a little girl?”
“You mean the one you were always bringing home, the one with all those pictures?” her mother asked.
“Yes, that’s the one. But it wasn’t all the pictures, just a particular one, of an Amazonian Shaman that fascinated me. He seemed to be looking right at me with his sad eyes. I could almost hear him saying, ‘Please, help us,’ every time I opened the book.”
“Don’t you think that might have been just your childish imagination working overtime?” her father, Frank, asked.
“It might have been. All I know is that picture planted a thought in my mind that grew into a conviction I had to make a commitment to mission service. Mom and Dad I just had to,” Her eyes teared as they sought her parents’ assurance and understanding. “I have to have a part in sharing God’s word with people like the Shaman who have never heard about Jesus.” She wiped her eyes, adding, “my decision has made me both sad and happy. Sad because it may change forever the plans Jerry and I were making, but happy knowing I’m doing what God wants me to do.”
“Well, honey, I…” Her father’s voice trailed away as if he suddenly had no words to express his emotions.
However, Diana filled in for Frank’s loss of words saying, “Ruth, your decision sounds to me a lot like having a baby—pain just before it arrives, but a lot of joy after.”
They all laughed, but Ruth saw, beneath her father’s smile, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Ruth reached the main entrance to the Student Union Center, opened the door, and paused as she entered the foyer, letting the warm air from inside sweep over her. She drew a deep breath and stuffed her hands deep into the pockets of her jacket then slowly climbed the stairs to the second floor.
Each of the quiet, cozy rooms along the hallway contained an overstuffed sofa, a desk, and a chair. Since coming to Evangel University nearly four years ago these comfortable surroundings had been her and Jerry’s favorite place for conversation. Jerry had laughingly called it their “cheap date place.” It was here, one rainy night of her Freshman year, that Jerry had formally stated the obvious that he loved and wanted to marry her as soon as she graduated.
The most constant refrain of Jerry’s relationship with Ruth over the years was his promise to be there always for her…and he had been.
My rock of Gibraltar on whose strength and love I know I can depend, she thought, peeking into several rooms as she passed.
Humanly speaking, Jerry seemed perfect for her, possessing some of the same qualities she most admired in her dad— patience, ambition, dependability, and most of all, love . Though undeclared for years, he had shown his love for her in countless ways, ever since her first day in kindergarten.
Jerry’s so much like my dad, she had often thought, except for one thing. That one thing, like a passing cloud that for a moment blocks the sun, cast a shadow on their conversation each time the subject of Jerry’s relationship with Christ was mentioned. Though his lack of a clear-cut commitment to Christ was troubling, Ruth could see his doubts gradually dissolving and knew in her heart that it was only a matter of time before he accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior.
Yes, humanly speaking Jerry was enough, and more. In her heart she knew she could never love anyone more than him. Except God. It was that realization that led her to respond to the preacher’s invitation last Sunday. Until then God’s will for her life was a mystery, but one that was solved as she made her decision and for the first time saw clearly the path her life would take.
As she searched each room and alcove for Jerry, she prayed silently that God would guide the conversation, that Jerry would understand and that her commitment made last Sunday would not dull his love for her.
She finally spotted Jerry in one of the rooms and slipped in quietly. He sat, seemingly lost in thought, staring out a window at the cold, gray day outside.
“I saw you walking over from the dorm.” He did not turn his head when he spoke. “All we had…our plans…the places we were going to see together. I thought…” He seemed to be talking to himself rather than to her. Then his voice fell silent, as if retreating to some secret place for shelter from the hurt he knew her words would bring.
This is not the right time for explanations, she thought as she walked over to the couch, laid her hand gently on his shoulder and joined him in gazing silently through the window.
“Ruthie,” he finally said softly, never taking his eyes away from the scene outside the window.
“Yes?” She choked back tears at his mention of her pet name and the sadness in his voice.
“Do you remember how afraid you were your first day at school?” He did not give her time to answer. “Do you remember my promise?”
“Yes.” Ruth waited, unable to bring herself to speak as the curtain of silence descended again.
Finally, Jerry broke the quiet. “It was that book wasn’t it? God used it and the dream when you were in the hospital to prepare your heart.”
Her grip on his shoulder tightened and she felt buoyed by Jerry’s spiritual insight that was both surprising and encouraging. Of course, he was right, she realized. Her decision was not made in a vacuum. The book, her fall, her strange dreams while in the coma, had all played a part.
“And yes, I’m hurt and disappointed—all the negative feelings you’d expect a man to feel when his dreams fall apart,” Jerry spoke in a voice that seemed drained of emotion. He turned away from the window and looked into her eyes. “Do you remember the day I brought up the subject of us getting married as soon as I finished graduate school?”
“And you started apologizing for not having the money to buy me an engagement ring,” Ruth answered, a small smile cracking the layer of sadness on her face.
“I’ll never forget what you said. Do you remember?”
“That it didn’t matter, that I loved you as much without a ring as with one.”
“What else?”
“Jerry, let’s not go…”
“When I tried to go on, you put a finger on my lips and said we could talk about it later. It was as if thinking about marriage made you uncomfortable.”
Did I somehow know even then? Aloud, she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”
“I know you didn’t, Ruthie.” He reached out, broke down his wall of reserve, and put his arm around her. “But from that moment, things between us were somehow different. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but when Mother phoned and told me of your plans—”
“I wanted to be the one to tell you.” For a moment, she wished Jerry would simply take her in his arms, kiss away her sadness, and tell her nothing had changed between them. But he didn’t. And it had.
“Since we had never even discussed being missionaries, I knew your plans didn’t include me.”
“They can’t, Jerry. Not unless God calls you like He called me.”
His eyes took on a far-away look as he removed his arm and cupped her face in his hands. In her eyes, he saw the frightened little girl mounting the school bus steps for the first time and her joy at seeing him there waiting to take her hand. He saw her on Gypsy, her ponytail bobbing, as she rode her little mare across a field on a summer day. He glimpsed her, deadly pale and locked in a coma from which the doctors feared she might not awaken. But, I prayed, he thought, oh, how I prayed! And God had healed her.
Even now, he wondered why that prayer and God’s answer to it by healing Ruth had not been enough to lead him to trust Him with his own life. Nevertheless, for some reason yet unknown to him, it had not, and he still tottered on the knife-edge of complete surrender to Christ.
He was not ashamed of the tears he knew Ruth saw in his eyes.
“Darling, that’s the misery of it all,” he said. “God’s plan for your life doesn’t include me.”
He dropped his hands dejectedly as she took one in her own and squeezed.
“Since Mother called, he said, I’ve prayed God would call me like he has you; prayed if he did I would take it as a sign I could trust him with my whole life. But I love you too much to pretend. He hasn’t called me, Ruth, at least not like you and there is something holding me back…” He paused as if wishing to say more but restraining himself. “…holding me back from making the kind of decision you’ve made.” He squeezed her hand, wanting her to understand, then tried to close the door on the subject, saying “If God is leading me at all, I’m afraid it’s in a far different direction.”
A far different direction. Ruth thought he sounded as if he had found God’s purpose for his life, but that he wished it were something else. He was leaving something unsaid, something important. For the first time since she had known Jerry she sensed a “no trespassing” sign on part of his life. Reaching up she drew him close, trying to muffle her sobs on his shoulder.
“Nothing has really changed, Ruthie. No matter where we go or what we do we still will love each other, right?”
She nodded her head against his shoulder. “But God even more?”
“Right. But never forget my promise,” he said, stroking her hair tenderly.
“You’ll always be there for me?”
“Always,” he whispered.