By the time Sunday evening rolled around, Ora still hadn’t written the letter to her biological father. “I don’t know what to write,” she said to Esi.
“I think Diana wants you to tell your father how you feel about him and how he treated you while you were growing up.”
She scrunched her face. “What is it with counselling and feelings?”
Esi laughed. “They’re what drive our actions. If you’re aware of your emotional state, then you’ll know your behaviour patterns and drive when placed in certain situations.”
“I don’t ‘do’ feelings very well.”
“Boy, do I know that, but you have to learn how to acknowledge and deal with them in order to move forward.”
“That’s the direction I want to go in.” She had never wanted anything more, because once she got out of this mucky area of her life, she’d be with Jason again, if he still wanted her. She’d no longer worry herself out of a good night’s sleep thinking about which woman would try to steal him away. Perhaps she expected too much from therapy.
“Then you have to engage with your feelings.”
“I spoke to Jason again yesterday.” Ora changed to a happier subject. “He called me.”
“And you answered?” Esi sounded surprised. “That’s good.”
“I miss him so much. We didn’t discuss anything special, just the day’s activities, but I never wanted the conversation to end.”
Esi nodded. “I’m sure you didn’t.”
Ora smiled. “You sound like Diana.”
“I’m trying to be supportive.”
“You are. Thanks.”
“That letter isn’t going to write itself. You should get on it.”
***
“Were you able to write the letter to your father?” Diana got right to the point after exchanging pleasantries.
Ora waved it in the air like a flag of truce.
“That’s great. I’d like you to read it to me.”
“Out loud?”
“Yes.”
Ora opened the letter and started reading the five pages. Once she’d started writing last night, the pain, hurt, and anger of the past thirty-four years of being neglected and unloved by her father poured out of her and she couldn’t stop writing. When she’d finished, she’d fallen into bed exhausted. A sense of freedom settled over her now that she’d expressed her true feelings about the man who’d given her life but had refused to nurture it.
Ora folded it when she had finished and Diana allowed her to sit in reflective silence.
“How do you feel?” Diana asked.
She’d anticipated the question. “I’m sad. I never realized how much his leaving affected me. I’ve been harbouring so much despair and blaming myself for his leaving.”
She hadn’t caused him to shirk his responsibilities. Now she was ready to make sure the little girl she’d been, knew once and for all that all blame for his absence lay on him, not her.
They dissected the letter and its components. By the time the session ended, she wondered how she’d make it to the door after being drained of all energy, as if she had been running a marathon she hadn’t trained for.
“What is the best day to meet again?” Diana asked.
“Considering how I feel now, it would be best to do these sessions on a day when I don’t have to work. I’m exhausted.”
“Emotional introspection can be a lot of work, but you’re doing well.”
Diana’s words were encouraging and Ora was filled with a sense of accomplishment. She went though her work roster. “I’m not working on Thursday. Is that a good day?”
“How about ten a.m.?”
“That’s fine.”
“For your next assignment, you are to write everything you think is lovable about yourself, but the catch is to have Jason do the same thing. If he’s willing. It would be helpful if he could bring his list here himself.”
“You want Jason to come to a counselling session with me?”
“Yes.”
“But why?” She wiped her sweaty palms on her slacks. She’d fought coming to counselling tooth and nail. Why would he come, when the session wouldn’t benefit him? It would be a waste of his time.
“Would you like him to be a part of your life?”
The crafty woman now made her speak out loud what her mind had repeated many times since she’d broken up with him. “Yes.”
“Even though we’re dealing with you and your commitment issues, he needs to understand and be involved in what’s happening and how you’re helping yourself. Didn’t you say he wanted to assist in any way that he could?”
She nodded. His offer had been the highlight of her first call to him after their breakup.
“This is a way to help involve him in your healing process. It will help to strengthen your relationship. He’ll be here for one session. Think about it. If he can’t make it on Thursday, then we can set the session for a more convenient day.”
She doubted he’d come, but understood her therapist’s reasoning better. “I’ll ask him.”
“See you on Thursday at ten. Have a good day.”
***
Jason ran into Ora on his way out of the hospital for a seminar at the medical school. He hadn’t seen her since she’d started therapy even though he thanked God they were talking, even if just on the phone.
Her smile lit up her eyes. He hoped seeing him had put the glow on her cheeks.
“I didn’t expect to see you here.” His heart drummed so loud in his ears he could hardly hear himself talk.
“How are you doing?”
He put his hands into his pockets to keep from reaching out to touch her. “I’m hanging in there. How’s counselling going?”
“I’m learning a lot about my motivations. She’s even getting me to talk about my feelings.” She rolled her eyes.
Jason chuckled. “Feelings are important.”
“I’m learning that.”
“Listen—”
“I thought—”
“You go first,” he offered. Her hands had grasped the strap of her bag as if it was a lifeline. He braced himself for bad news.
“My therapist said I should invite you to a session.”
He released the breath he’d been holding. “You mean I should go to counselling with you?”
He’d never seen her chew her cheek before. She must be anxious. How come she hadn’t figured out he’d do anything for her? “Tell me the day, time, and place and I’ll be there. In fact, I’ll drive us there.”
Her face relaxed as she loosened the grip on her bag. “You sound enthusiastic about it. You do understand it’s a therapy session, right?”
“I told you I wanted to help you get through this. I want to be with you and I’ll do whatever it takes.” He longed to reach out and take her in his arms and hold her forever. The desire to remove any hurt she’d ever experienced in her life overshadowed everything. He should be the one to help her fix her life, not the therapist, but she had to deal with her demons herself, though he’d be with her every step of the way if she let him.
“There’s another thing.”
“Name it, Ora.”
She smiled. “She wants you to make a list of the things you like about me.”
“That’s no problem.” His list would be pages long.
She tilted her head to the side. “You have no issue with going to counselling with me?”
Giving in to his need, he reached out, took her hands in his, happy when she didn’t pull away. “I understand the value of it.”
His gut twisted when her eyes welled with tears.
“Thank you for your support.”
“You’re welcome. Dealing with what’s wrong in your life and fixing it is my first priority.”
At that moment, she existed as his world, his queen, and his heart.
“What were you going to say?” she asked.
It took him a few seconds to remember. “Would you like to go to lunch with me tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“Can we meet at the cafeteria at one then?” This lunch would be a new beginning, again.
“I’ll be there.”
“I miss you.” He admitted, not sure if he pushed his luck by saying too much too soon.
She swallowed before speaking. “I miss you, too. I’m sorry about everything I’m putting you through.”
“As long as everything turns out all right, it will all have been worth it.”
“I appreciate your patience.”
Because he couldn’t resist being so close and not having her in his arms, he reached out and hugged her. He whispered into her ear. “I told you I would wait for you. I don’t plan on losing you ever again.”
She sighed before stepping back. “I don’t want you to be late for your meeting.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hesitated to move from his spot.
“Yes. Have a good day.”
“You, too. Bye.”
“Bye.” She reached a hand out as if going to touch his face but let it fall back to her side, turned around, and walked into the hospital.