XV

CAVE OF CATILINE

I am not aware of fear.

I flee to seek security but

then, I hesitate. I wait a bit,

to see what is happening. Again,

I am the observer, my eyes trained,

keeping a keen watch while

standing apart from events.

I want to see it all, take it all in.

My encouraging muse commends me,

“Good observer, well done.

Stand steady. Gather details.”

Is it right to push away participation,

to ignore the unfurling tragedy

on this killing field? I am dissuaded

from standing longer. “Run,”

my guide urges in that steady voice,

“Run.” So as not to be overtaken

by the hurtling beams and stones and debris,

we duck into a welcoming dark hole.

It feels the way the cave

must have felt to ancient man,

sturdy walls on all sides,

protection from the frightful,

from the dangerous, from the lethal outside.

For a moment, I can see where we are.

Our sanctuary is a parking garage

offering protection

from the murdering rain.

I tarry again briefly, turning

at our cave mouth to gaze back

once more. It is a boiling

brimstone avalanche

cascading from the tower,

billowing up toward me,

a blaspheming wave,

a tumbling wall of darkness.

It looks as if thousands of horses

and millions of soldiers are stampeding

across a desert, threatening clouds

rise at their hooves and heels,

pushing the frightened air ahead.

Yet in here, I feel secure,

umbrella’d over, protected from the torrent.

Once again I hear, now

from deep inside the cave:

“Run. Run. Run.”

I break my stare and turn away,

no longer do I see the commotion

outside my safe haven.