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Magnolia
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“FUDGE!” I BLURT OUT as the beautician pulls off another strip of wax from the middle of my hoo-ha.
“Sorry ma’am, are you ok?” she asks and I reassure her that I’ll live. Getting a Brazilian wax is just up there with the dentist on the list of the things I hate the most but I know how much my men love to find me bare and smooth down there, so it’s a necessary evil. After my last solo encounter with wax, can you blame me that I let a professional do the job?
“We’re almost done,” the beautician reassures me and I’m sure you can imagine my relief when I walk out of the room on steady, if a bit sticky legs.
“Perfect timing,” Jen says exiting the room near mine. “Let’s go home, I got croissants from Buttercup’s bakery this morning. Debbie is joining us too, we’re going over the catering for Saturday.”
The car ride back to the condo I used to share with Jen is a short one and we find Debbie’s already there, waiting on the doorstep.
I don’t miss Jen’s tight expression, as she unlocks the door, so I can’t avoid asking if she’s all right. “I don’t know, Mags. Gemma is at work and Peaches is out shopping for an engagement present.”
“How very kind of her,” I muse, eliciting a frustrated, shuddering sigh from my bestie.
Debbie doesn’t miss the obvious tension in her demeanor. “What’s wrong, Jennie?”
“I don’t know, Debbie. My life was fucking perfect until yesterday afternoon, when our doorbell rang and Peaches showed up ...” The whole story comes out. “So now she’s staying here until the party, she got Gemma set on the idea of having her officiate our wedding and obviously she’s out to get us a present. As if she hadn’t done enough and I needed something else in the house to remind me and my fiancée of her fucking ex.”
“Something else?” Debbie asks confused.
“Yup! Oh that’s right, you weren’t here last night. You didn’t see the gorgeous teddy bear Peaches brought us. It’s dressed with an exact replica of her army uniform. So Gemma can think about her, every time she lays eyes on it.”
Jen marches into my old room, grabbing the offending teddy bear from the bed and throwing it against the wall, causing Shreddie to wake up from her nap on my former bed and meow in outrage at the intrusion. The toy lands back on the bed in a sitting position, its black beady eyes staring at us almost mockingly. Shreddie just moves to the side keeping her green eyes trained on the three of us, her gaze filled with suspicion.
“You should’ve heard her last night after you left, Mags. She kept going on about how much Gemma used to love dating a woman in uniform, how sexy she found it.”
The look on Jen’s face breaks my heart, so I hug her tight. “Oh babe, ignore her. She’s just jealous because it’s obvious to anyone who meets you and Gemma how in love you are and how perfect you two are together. If you’re unhappy with Peaches being here, you should tell your fiancée.”
And yes, I know. I know that I shouldn’t preach honesty when I can’t tell my own parents about my love life and I let my mom invite herself to stay with me and to Jen’s party. But really, if I were in a similar situation, I would tell my guys that it made me uncomfortable.
Jen sighs again. “I told her, Mags. We talked this morning while Peaches was in the shower, using up all of our hot water. I told her that I think her ex is here to get back together with her. She said as much last night, remember? And that having her around makes me uncomfortable.”
Debbie and I look at each other before asking, “And? What did Gemma say?”
Jen’s tone sounds tearful. “She said that she loves me. Just me. That yes, Peaches was an important part of her life but that things ended for more reasons than just distance. She promised that if she weren’t completely and madly in love with me, she’d never have asked me to marry her. That’s why she didn’t think that inviting Peaches to stay was such a big deal.”
I take Jen’s hand. “Do you believe her?”
She nods. “I do. But that doesn’t mean I can’t see the way Peaches is acting around Gemma. She’s trying to steal her from me and she thinks that by inserting herself in our lives and our wedding she’ll split us up.”
Debbie nods in understanding. “That’s exactly what my ex’s new wife did. She used to be my friend. She was always around and as soon as things got a little rocky between me and Ed, she swooped right in. But I have to agree with Magnolia that Gemma loves you. She’s always talking about you, always saying to anyone who’ll listen how perfect you are. What did Gemma say when you told her that you don’t want Peaches to officiate at your wedding?”
The answer is predictable. “She said that if that’s really how I feel, she’ll talk to Peaches but that it would mean a lot to her to have her in the wedding. So now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I tell her I don’t want Peaches, Gemma will be disappointed and won’t have the wedding she wants. If I let her have what she wants, I’ll have to put up with having someone who clearly wants to cause me harm officiate my wedding.”
My heart aches for my bestie. I know what I’d do if I were in her shoes and Jennie has come to same conclusion. “At first I thought about postponing everything.”
Debbie intervenes. “Huge mistake, sweetie. You’d be doing exactly what that bitch wants.”
Jen agrees. “Yeah, I know. Plus it would really hurt Gemma if I let something that she’s promised isn’t an issue come between us. So there’s only one thing I can do. I need to believe Gemma and be the bigger person. But,” she says grabbing the teddy bear from the bed and looking at it with an intense look on her face, “I’m putting my foot down that she doesn’t wear her army uniform for the ceremony. If I have to have this fucking teddy bear reminding me that she was a sexy army Officer, and I work in a sex shop while studying to be an accountant – which was voted the top unsexiest job in America – I’m gonna go insane way before May.
I immediately recognize Debbie’s most devious expression and thank my lucky star that it’s no longer directed toward me. “Well Jennie, accidents happen. Your cat has been shredding all sorts of stuff since you got it. God knows you need a new couch and new curtains. A new teddy bear could be irresistible to Shreddie, right?” Debbie grabs the stuffed bear, shaking it in front of the cat’s face.
“Meow,” Shreddie says making it clear that she just destroys things when the mood strikes and never upon request.
Jen sighs. “Not even my cat wants to help me get back at that fiancée poaching bitch.”
And that’s where we realize that we have a lot to learn and that it really is a blessing that Debbie decided that I’m no longer persona non grata in her son’s life. Porter’s mom grabs the teddy bear and marches confidently downstairs, opening the first drawer in the kitchen where we’ve always kept all our cutlery. “Here, you’ll find it cathartic. I promise,” she says offering Jen a chef’s knife. “And when Gemma asks what happened, you can always say that Shreddie took offense to the bear taking too much room in her favorite nap spot.”
My bestie’s eyes dilate in surprise. “I couldn’t possibly do that!”
“Of course you can. Trust me, you’ll feel better.”
Jen takes the knife and setting the teddy bear down on the chopping block, stabs it right in the middle. “Fuck you’re right, Debbie. This feels so good!”
Slash. Another stab. And then another and another until the white foam that stuffs the bear begins to show and spill out of the cuddly toy’s guts.
“Take this, bitch!” She grunts stabbing it again. “This’ll teach you to try and steal someone else’s fiancée.”
By the time Jen calms down, there’s white fluff everywhere. “God that was violent,” I observe.
“Yeah, I hope Peaches gets the message to keep her grabby hands to herself.”
I shiver. “If I were her, I definitely would. Death by ‘de-fluffication” is definitely not in my top ten ways to go.”