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Magnolia
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SILVER SPRINGS POLICE Station
Two months later, sometimes around 11:00 p.m.
Jen’s wedding weekend.
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THE CAMERA FLASHES and the urge to close my eyes is strong. “Turn your face to the left, ma’am.” Flash. “Now to the right, please.” Flash.
“Can I make a phone call?” I ask as soon as the police officer has finished taking my fingerprints.
If only I could reach Blake, I’m sure we’d be able to clear up this misunderstanding in no time. I tried him many times but got no answer and then obviously my phone was taken away once we got to the station.
I look at my mom and wish she’d stop giggling because this isn’t funny and it’s actually all her fault that we got into this mess to begin with.
But of course there’s no chance she’ll take any of this seriously, she’s high as a kite.
How am I going to explain to my fiancé that if we’re not getting booked in for possession we owe it only to the fact that we’d eaten all the evidence – Dad brought some edibles during a business trip to Denver and my parents decided it would be awesome to bring some here for Jen’s and Gemma’s bachelorette party – but we’re being arrested for solicitation and lewd conduct, also assault of a police officer.
Of course it’s all a terrible misunderstanding and if Blake was here, I’m sure we’d be able to explain what happened and clear our names.
The doors of Silver Springs Police station open as we’re being ushered away from the booking area into what I presume are the holding cells but I just catch sight of more people being brought in.
“Porter? Max? Dad?”
How did we get in so much trouble when all we were planning were two bachelorette parties for our two gorgeous brides?
It all started ...
Two hours earlier, Magnolia’s old condo.
It’s only 9 p.m. and I’m getting a headache. I think I preferred my mom when I thought she was impossibly uptight. This new version of her where she doesn’t think she has to hide who she is and over shares details from her sex life and the knowledge she’s acquired in over twenty years of swingers sex parties? I find it exhausting and a little embarrassing.
I was kind of dreading her being at the bachelorette party I organized for Jen but nothing could’ve prepared me for the reality of it.
“You want to start with the smallest butt plug you can find, trust me Debbie. So I’d say two or three inches? What do you think, June?”
Thankfully Juniper, Jen’s boss at the Magical Rooster, is more than comfortable engaging in conversation about butt plugs with my mother. The two women debate on size, shape, length and what kind of pattern or vibrating features are best for a beginner.
“Hm, I don’t know if I want to go there, just yet. I’ve just been on one date with Dr. Hood, I don’t know if we’ll even do—”
“Nonsense!” Mom cuts her off, interrupting Debbie and checking out one of those self-sterilizing butt plugs that June sells at her shop. “You should definitely play the field don’t get me wrong, but if you’re interested in the guy, you want to dazzle him in the sack. Anal play definitely saved mine and Richard’s marriage more than once. Nothing like a good ass fuck to settle your differences and spice up your life. But you must be prepared.”
I rest my head on Jen’s shoulder, groaning at my mom’s behavior. “Please someone shut her up! I should’ve cancelled June’s visit when Mom insisted on being here tonight.”
Jen doesn’t seem as embarrassed as I am. “Ha ha, she’s harmless. Look, she’s convincing my mom too. God knows I never thought I’d see my mother holding a butt plug. But actually, she isn’t wrong, right? I mean, you can vouch for those plugs.”
I elbow my bestie. “Don’t even start, Jennie! And please for goodness sake, don’t tell my mother that I bought those butt plugs.” I listened to June’s advice when I decided that I wanted to be with my all three men at the same time. I obviously was a little nervous about allowing any of them into the backdoor, since they’re all very blessed when it comes to size. So I’m glad I did it right and used the plugs before getting there with them. Porter especially enjoyed training me with the plugs and the whole operation was a success. “She doesn’t need to know what I do with my fiancés behind closed doors.”
Jen giggles, draining her second margarita. “Aww, she’d be so proud of you! Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”
I shake my head. “Bless your heart, Jennie!”
We explode in a fit of giggles but the sound of the doorbell cuts us off.
I look at my watch and grin. Right on time! Jen said that she didn’t care about having strippers but after much debate with Debbie – no need to ask Mom, once she dropped her prim and proper act, we all know that she’d only object to strippers if they weren’t up for a full monty – we decided that it would be fun to have a private show and booked a male and a female stripper – equality, y’all – from a new agency that’s all the rage online.
And it’s them, 9 p.m. on the dot as agreed.
“Good evening officers,” I say checking out the huge, burly guy with arms so big that his black uniform looks ready to burst at the seams any second now. He’s flanked by a big chested blonde who wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of a men’s magazine.
“Evening, ma’am. We’re here about a complaint from a neighbor about a cat—”
This is very realistic, I think squinting my eyes to read the male officer’s name tag and noticing how detailed their uniforms are. They look almost identical to the one Blake wears every day. I’ll have to make sure to give these two an extra tip if their performance is as good as their appearance. “Save it for the party girl, Officer Burlington.” I giggle, thinking that Burlington really suits him since he’s so ... burly. “Follow me inside, I don’t live here anymore. Y’all are looking for my bestie Jen. Treat her well and I’ll give you an extra hundred.”
The guy’s eyes narrow and his posture stiffens. “Are you attempting to bribe us, ma’am?”
I giggle. “You really are excellent. But seriously, save the whole act for Jen, she’s gonna love it.”
I usher the two “officers” into the living room and they walk toward the couches where Jennie is checking out a strap on dildo while my mom is double fisting it with one vibrator in each hand. “Seriously, Debbie, a rabbit kind of model is better that just a simple, traditional one that’s shaped vaguely like a cock. Richard loves the ball massage the rabbit gives with all those beads inside—”
“Evening ladies. Which one of you is Jennifer Brook?”
Dang this guy’s good, he looks all deliciously stern. It might be the margaritas and the pot talking but had I been single, I wouldn’t have said no to being searched and restrained while the guy had his wicked way with me.
The room erupts with a chorus of loud “whoop, whoop!”, as the ladies eye the strippers I hired. If I’m not the best maid of honor in the history of all weddings, I don’t know who is. I even convinced Peaches to go out with Gemma and the guys tonight, despite the fact that her and Jen are getting along much better ever since Peaches moved out a couple of months ago.
“Ladies, please settle down. We need to have a word with Miss Brook about a complaint—”
Officer Blondie – sorry I didn’t quite catch her name – approaches Jen and my bestie gives her a lust filled once over before tapping her lap and inviting the “police woman” to sit on it.
I admit these two are excellent actors, because Officer Burlington looks legit pissed off when he advances toward the opposite couch and demands silence.
Obviously his stern tone achieves just the opposite and the whole room erupts into more excited cheering.
“Hm what are you gonna do to me if I’m not quiet, Officer?” Mom purrs dragging a whip that looks like what a jockey would use on a horse down the officer’s chest and stopping right under the belt. “Are you gonna punish me? Maybe handcuff me like the naughty girl that I am?”
Eww, I seriously can’t un-hear this stuff.
“Ma’am get your hands off of me. This is assault on a police officer!” Burlington booms.
Dang, he’s good.
“On the contrary.” Mom drops the whip on the couch behind her. “I’m going to put my hands on you and help you get out of that tight uniform. Let’s see if you’re as big as you look, darling.” She grabs at the officer’s belt, pulling and obviously expecting the Velcro in his pants to snap off but nothing happens.
That fact and the horrified expression on the stripper’s face, tells me that maybe these two aren’t the strippers I hired for tonight?
The reaction of the other “cop” helps cement my realization and I open my mouth to try and get through to my mom but Blondie gets a taser out and points it at my mother. “Ma’am, get your hands off of my partner. This is your only warning.”
Mom giggles. “You guys are excellent but these pants are stuck. I want to see some cock.”
“Mom!” I shriek just as she gets tasered and I cover my eyes.
The room erupts in loud protests as Mom is handcuffed and I approach the cops trying to clear this mess up but I’m not even given the chance to explain. Officer Burlington reads me my rights and we’re unceremoniously ushered into the police car that in the meantime has been joined by a backup one.
Just as I’m about to get in the car, I spot Miss Lynch, Jen’s next door neighbor looking at the whole scene by her front gate.
“Thank you for coming, officers. But I just wanted you to talk to Miss Brook about that new cat of hers crapping in my garden and leaving dead mice on my doormat, I didn’t mean for her to get arrested ...”
And that pretty much clears it up, I think as a beat up Toyota stops behind the police cars and two obviously fake cops with a boom box walk toward Jen’s condo.