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Max
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I ANSWER THE DOOR AND give Hiroshi a bro hug, ushering him inside. “Perfect timing, dude. The food has just arrived, we were just waiting for you.”
My best friend fist bumps Blake and Porter and shakes Richard’s hand. “Sorry I’m a little late, I just wanted to make sure that everything was ready for tomorrow. Mom is beside herself with excitement about the wedding and has been fussing over the tiniest details. I swear that she wouldn’t be so excited if I were the one getting married tomorrow.”
I chuckle because I know that Kyoko-San loves me and my brothers as if we were her own kids. So much so that she refused any form of payment declaring that the food, drinks and venue are her wedding present to all of us.
But it isn’t just Kyoko-San who considers us all like her own children, by the way Mom has been giving Hiroshi’s new girlfriend Fumiko the third degree, you’d know that each of our parents feels the same way about the four of us.
“So, is this the whole bachelor party crew?” Hiroshi asks.
“Yup,” I confirm. “My dad had to work tonight but he’s got tomorrow off obviously and so is Porter’s dad.”
“What?” I don’t blame Hiroshi for being shocked as he turns to look at Porter. “Your dad’s coming to the wedding? How is this possible? Are you planning to roofie your mom or something?”
He’s referring to the fact that since their ugly divorce, Porter’s parents have been unable to be in the same room without causing World War III. Debbie still insists on calling her ex’s new wife “Tits and Ass.”
Porter offers a tight smile. “Dude, actually no. Mom was the one who asked me to invite Dad. She said that this is the most important day of my life and she can bury the hatchet for a few hours.”
Hiroshi voices everyone’s feelings. “Fuck, Magnolia isn’t a nurse, she’s a miracle worker! I thought you were gonna have a second wedding reception for your dad like you had to have two of every celebration since the divorce.”
“Not this time. Actually, when I extended the invitation, Dad said he’ll come unaccompanied. He appreciates the olive branch Mom’s extending and he doesn’t want to make things awkward by bringing his wife.”
Blake chimes in. “That was nice of him. After all, I don’t blame Debbie. Your stepmom used to be her best friend. At least I don’t have that problem since the only thing I know about my dad is his name and that we look alike if what my mom says is true.”
“I’m happy that your moms all love Magnolia,” Hiroshi concludes lowering himself on the couch next to Blake. “Having three mothers-in-law must be no joke.”
We all chuckle because it’s true. But my parents have gotten into the habit of taking Magnolia and I out for dinner once a month. Even my sister Iclyn absolutely adores my fiancée and she came back to Silver Springs for the wedding from California where she attends a prestigious filmmaking school.
Blake’s mom has drinks with Magnolia regularly too, so where the future mothers-in-law are concerned, we’re sailing through calm waters.
“So, what are we watching tonight?” Hiroshi asks and I press play on the Apple TV where my Netflix queue is up.
Die Hard begins playing and as expected, we have to immediately pause it, because Porter complains that it’s only July and it’s a bit early for a Christmas movie.
“Bullshit!” Hiroshi protests. “Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie just because the story takes place during Christmas.”
The debate is short but fierce with Richard on Hiroshi’s side and the three of us swearing that it’s the best Christmas movie of all times.
“Come on guys, shut the fuck up and eat those wings before they get cold. Also,” I warn looking pointedly at Richard, “please don’t give Frank any chicken wings. Magnolia wants him at the wedding tomorrow and I don’t want to have to explain why the puppy has the shits. Hot sauce really doesn’t agree with his little belly. But if you really can’t resist those beady eyes, you can give him a fry or two.”
We settle down with the food and I know I’m weird but I love dipping my French fries in a mixture of ketchup and mayo. The restaurant gave us some of those takeout packets of sauces, so I don’t bother going into the kitchen.
“Fuck,” I mutter trying to tear the packet open and resorting to using my teeth when I don’t succeed with my hands. “I swear they make this stuff hard to open on purpose.” I take a corner of the sachet between my teeth and yank harder on the ketchup packet, sure that I have it under control.
But the packaging yields way more than expected and I watch with horrified fascination as a squirt of sauce spurts from the sachet and travels at break neck speed in a perfect arch, hitting Hiroshi right in one eye.
“Motherfucker!” He yelps covering the injured eye with one hand and it looks much worse than it is, with the sauce being red and all.
“I get it that you were mad at me and Mom for refusing to take any money for tomorrow, but trying to blind me is a little extreme, don’t you think?”
I chuckle. “Shut up and stop being so dramatic. It’s just ketchup, if it were hot sauce, I could probably feel sorry for you.”
The guys rib me about being klutzier than Magnolia lately, and I think that it isn’t just me. Lately I noticed that Blake and Porter have been a little distracted too, I think it’s because we’re so excited about the wedding and a little on edge because we haven’t decided yet who gets to sign that marriage certificate tomorrow.
Our plan to keep a score of our rescues of our gorgeous bride hasn’t come to fruition because Magnolia has been uncharacteristically cautious lately and hasn’t caused any major accident.
So as it stands we’re tied: I rescued her when she choked on the engagement ring, Porter took her to Hiroshi’s practice when she chipped her tooth and Blake saved her from the spider. But since then, nothing out of the ordinary has really happened.
I think that at this point, we might have to resort to the tried and tested rock, paper, scissors but the doorbell snaps me out of my reveries.
***
Blake
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I’M STILL LAUGHING at Hiroshi when the doorbell rings. I rise from the couch and I’d be lying if I said that I’m not a little worried. Who could it be at this time? I hope Magnolia didn’t have one of her accidents and that the girls are enjoying their spa day without getting into any trouble.
“This must be the person I hired to infuse some fun into the lamest bachelor party in the history of mankind.” Richard chuckles as I get to the front door in a few short strides.
“What did you do, Richard?” I gripe as I fling the door open. “You better not have hired a stripper—”
“Fuck no! I don’t have my taser but if someone else mistakes me for a stripper, I swear to God—”
“Burlington?” I’m surprised looking at one of my new colleagues, a recent police academy graduate. We’ve spoken a few times after the infamous arrest the night of the bachelorette party and he’s an all right guy, despite being a little too rigid when on duty. But I don’t blame him, we’re all like that when we start on the force.
“Can I help you? I ask him, noticing that he’s in civilian clothes and is carrying two huge black duffle bags.
“I was hired to set up some target shooting for a bachelor party?”
I’m about to tell him that there must be a mistake when Richard comes to the front door and claps me on the shoulder.
“It was my idea, son. I thought we could do some competitive target shooting tonight and that could help you and your friends finally decide who gets to sign that marriage certificate tomorrow. Since you didn’t dig the dick measuring contest, I thought this would be the next best thing.”
I sigh, I know Richard means well but guns and beer aren’t exactly a great idea, since we’ve all been drinking. I tell him that but Burlington intervenes.
“They’re just BB guns, dude. I own this little business on the side, target shooting for parties, hunting trips and paintball guns for rent. Don’t worry, I’ll supervise to make sure we have fun in complete safety.”
I let him inside the house with a shrug. If they aren’t real guns and we’re careful, what’s the harm in shooting at a few empty cans? Our backyard is huge, big enough not to have to worry about any neighbors.
As Burlington sets up the targets against one of the back walls, Max and Porter are muttering something between them.
“Hey, what’s up?”
They don’t look very happy and when they tell me why, I admit that I don’t blame them. “We don’t mind shooting for fun, dude. But deciding this way who gets to be Magnolia’s official husband?” Max begins.
“Yeah, that would be unfair,” Porter agrees. “Max and I aren’t bad at shooting but you’re one of the best marksmen in your whole department. You definitely have an unfair advantage. And you got to actually propose to her and put the engagement ring on her finger, so I think that while you should have a chance, this is definitely not how we should decide.”
“You’re right, guys. Look, we don’t have to decide this way. Let’s humor Richard since he went through all this trouble to organize this. But I guess it’s back to good ole’ rock, paper scissors.”
So we decide to compete just for bragging rights and we have a lot of fun. We play an elimination game where each of us gets to shoot ten times per round and the person with the worst score is out.
Max and Porter were right not wanting to have this be the way we choose Magnolia’s official husband because predictably, I eliminate them and Richard with extreme ease.
It’s between Hiroshi and I and we’re both concentrating on our shots because bragging rights are no joke in our group of friends.
Hiroshi gets nine cans out of ten. So to win, I have to shoot perfectly and knock down every single can from the pyramid Burlington has arranged.
I make quick work of it and I have one last can remaining when I turn to taunt my best friend. “Ready to be a loser?” I smirk and he chuckles with his usual calm expression. He rarely lets anything ruffle his feathers.
“Well, you haven’t won yet. You might still miss.”
“Ha, fat chance.” I laugh. “But everyone be quiet, I need to concentrate.” I warn the others.
I look at the last remaining can through the gunsight, breathing through my nose and forgetting about all the men behind me.
I relax my finger on the trigger just a second before pulling it and—
Beep beep!
I involuntarily squeeze the trigger and lower the rifle, startled by someone’s text message ringtone.
I watch with a mixture of shock and awe as the BB misses the target by a couple of feet and nicks the corner of the wall at the right of the target and ricochets hitting Burlington on one leg.
We all watch in horror as he clutches the injured leg where his pants are torn.
“Fuck!” he yells as he falls on the grass behind me.
“Shit! Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shoot you. Are you ok?”
We all go to his rescue but predictably Max and Porter take over.
“Don’t worry, it’s ok. It’s just a graze, Burlington will live.” Porter reassures me as he and Max help my colleague up and walk him back into the house to tend to the angry welt that has appeared on his calf.
“There you go, you’re all good. It doesn’t even need stitches.” Max informs him swiping an antiseptic wipe on the red mark. “It might be a little sore for a couple of days but it shouldn’t even leave a scar.”
Burlington’s eyes are fixed on me as he grimaces at the contact with the disinfectant wipe. I feel terrible.
“I’m so sorry, dude. I was totally in the zone and that ringtone spooked me.”
“So much for gun safety. You’re a fucking police officer,” he mutters.
I don’t know what to say. “I know. It was just at the worst possible time; I had already started to pull the trigger—”
“It’s all my fault.” Richard intervenes. “Harriet was just sexting me and—”
Richard’s confession is met by several groans. Those two are seriously incorrigible and I can’t believe they criticized Magnolia for her klutziness when they’re real trouble magnets.
I turn to Burlington. “Dude, as I was saying, I’m so sorry. Let me make it up to you. Why don’t you come to the wedding tomorrow? It’ll be one hell of a party—”
“Hell no!” Burlington blurts out with real fear in his eyes. “I’m going to stay away from you lot. Had I realized that tonight it was another one of your bachelor parties, I’d never have accepted this job. Honestly, I know you didn’t mean it with the gun but you guys are completely nuts. And your women are even more scary. So, no thank you. I’m working anyway tomorrow. Please, don’t burn the fucking town down as y’all get married.”
There’s real fear in Burlington’s eyes, I guess Magnolia and the girls really did make an impression during Jen’s bachelorette party.
We might all be a bit of a handful, but you know what? His loss.