ALEXANDRA

10.00 P.M.

Patrik’s breathing was irregular, and his heart was pounding against her back.

He kissed her on the shoulder as his hand reached down under the covers. ‘I want to take you from behind,’ he whispered, pressing his warm body against hers.

‘Please, just hold me,’ said Alexandra, taking his hand in hers.

‘You know I have to leave soon.’ He kissed the back of her neck.

‘I know, that’s exactly why. Just hold me, hard.’ She wished they could sleep that way the whole night. Even though she ought to be used to it by now, she struggled to keep it together. Constant. Suddenly she felt something wet against her shoulder. ‘Are you crying?’ she whispered, feeling a stab in her stomach.

‘It just hurts so damned much.’

‘I know,’ she said, squeezing his hand harder. ‘It’s tough for all of us.’

But it wasn’t the same pain. Her sorrow was completely different, and she wished she could show it to him, but he would never understand — especially because he was the one who was the cause of it.

‘What would I do without you? You’re so beautiful, Alexandra.’

As usual, he tried to say it with a Polish accent. He thought it was funny, but it only made her feel uncomfortable. ‘Stop!’ she said, wriggling out of his grasp.

‘Take it easy — damn, the way you flare up all the time.’ He quickly got out of bed.

She regretted it and wished she hadn’t reacted so quickly or so strongly, but it was too late. She cursed herself for always having such a hard time controlling her emotions. Recently it had got worse, but that wasn’t so strange. If it weren’t for Patrik’s behaviour, she wouldn’t have to feel the way she did.

‘This heat is brutal, doesn’t the AC work?’ He looked at the clock. ‘Shit, I won’t have time to shower now.’

Alexandra lay on her back and looked at her husband as he got dressed. He pushed his erection down into his jeans and pulled a polo shirt over his perfect chest. Even though they’d been married for over twenty years, she never got tired of observing him. So perfect. When she saw the scratch marks on his back, she turned her eyes away. Part of her wanted to ask where they came from, but at the same time she didn’t want to know.

‘Couldn’t we do something, just you and me?’ She tried hard to make her voice sound soft. ‘We need that, considering all that’s happened. And I need to feel that you love me.’

Patrik sat beside her on the edge of the bed. ‘I wish you wouldn’t say that, not now. We’ve decided that this is the way we want it. We can’t have this discussion every time. It doesn’t work. Especially not now — we need each other.’

She nodded and clenched her jaw so hard that her teeth hurt. This conversation wouldn’t lead anywhere. But they hadn’t decided this was how they wanted it. He had made that decision, many years ago.

‘Sorry,’ she said quietly, while she tried to suppress what was raging inside her.

He got up again. Alexandra reached out her hand, but wasn’t able to stop him. ‘Come as soon as you can tomorrow,’ she said, trying to smooth over what she’d just said. ‘I don’t know what I’ll do with your mother.’

‘I’m sure you do, you always charm her.’ He gave her a kiss on the nose. ‘See you tomorrow.’

He carefully closed the door behind him.

She pulled the covers up around her, but quickly threw them off again and instead pulled on her bathrobe. ‘Patrik!’ she called and ran after him.

‘Yes,’ he said, turning around on the stairs.

‘Be careful.’

‘Of course. You too.’

She nodded. ‘I’m scared.’

‘I know. But it’s going to be fine, I promise. I’ll protect you, and Mum’s still here with you.’

‘As if that makes me safer,’ she said, snorting.

‘Shh, she can hear you. I don’t like you talking about her that way.’

‘Sorry,’ she said, pulling the bathrobe tighter around her.

‘Go back to bed now. We’ll talk tomorrow,’ he whispered, and then he disappeared out the door. Like a tomcat who came and went as he pleased.

Once she’d heard him start the car and drive off, she went back to the bedroom. Lowered the temperature a few degrees on the air conditioning. Puffed up the pillows and neatly folded up the bedspread.

Then she lay on her back in bed and stared up at the ceiling, forcing herself not to think about what Patrik was doing now. But every time she tried to focus on something else she wandered back to the same thoughts and images, which played out in her mind again and again. She clenched her hands hard and tensed her body, felt the burning behind her eyelids and closed them hard.

‘Mummy, what’s wrong?’

Suddenly Märtha was standing beside the bed. Alexandra hadn’t heard her come in.

‘Are you sad?’

She looked at her little daughter, who wasn’t so little any more — she had started first grade — but as she stood there in the long, white nightgown that reminded Alexandra of Pippi Longstocking, she still seemed so small.

‘No, it’s nothing,’ she said, quickly wiping away the tears. ‘Come and lie down here with me.’

Bea appeared like a long, black shadow behind her little sister.

‘Where’s Daddy?’ she asked in a hard voice.

Alexandra felt Märtha creep closer, and she placed a protective arm around her.

‘You know, Bea. The question is, why aren’t you asleep? There’s school tomorrow, and I won’t have the energy to nag at you to get up.’

Bea had started high school a week ago, and Alexandra already wondered how she was going to manage the coming three years. She didn’t know how long she could handle her daughter.

Even though it was dark she saw how Bea’s eyes blackened. She hardly dared meet them.

‘The question is whether you know what decade this is? I don’t get how you go along with this.’

‘I know you mean well, but you don’t need to sound so angry, you might wake up Grandma. Please, don’t yell at me now, it’s hard enough as it is.’ Alexandra had to strain to make her voice sound calm.

‘This is not okay: don’t you get how sick it is? Do you want to be sad? I’m never going to be like you! Are people going to find out how you live, now? Huh?’ Bea swept out of the room and slammed the door. Fury was rattling in the walls.

Having a teenager was so much worse than she ever could have imagined. Should she run after Bea? But what could she say? How did you explain what had happened?