ASH
“No closer.” The words come from one of the guards outside the door.
I surge into a sitting position.
“Is he not allowed any visitors?” Rakel. Her voice oddly muffled compared with the guards. My heart thumps against my ribs. “That’s not very humane. The Prince said he would be treated with all respect.”
“Ashradinoran is observing quiet contemplation. My orders are to uphold that.”
“I can be quiet. I’ll be here and then gone before anyone’s the wiser.”
Why is she pressing them? I can’t imagine she thinks that’s going to make them stand down.
“I, ah… I don’t think we should.” Spikes of confusion punctuate the second guard’s words. “We were supposed to… Can you remember our orders, captain? Why are you wearing a mask, girl?”
“Oh, just step aside, would you?” Rakel’s tone is haughty, now.
The sound of the bolt sliding back precedes the door opening. For a heartbeat she hesitates on the threshold, limned in light. Then she shuts it behind her and leans heavily against it. There’s the sound of cloth hitting the floor, then a sigh of relief. “For a moment there I thought I’d used the wrong dose… Ash? Where are you? It’s darker than the Days of Doskai in here.”
“Blasphemy,” I say on reflex.
“After everything we’ve been through, not least of all today, you’re getting preachy on me?”
I rub my hand over my shaved scalp. “I’m over here. On the bed.”
She shuffles across the floor, no doubt feeling her way with her feet while her eyes adjust to the relative gloom. There’s a thud as she stumbles against the low table, followed by a string of curses under her breath. I should jump up and guide her; I can see perfectly fine. But something stops me. The voice that has been telling me since I was a child that I am a curse. That I’m tainted with darkness. That I’ll only bring grief to those I love.
And above all of that, there’s an even starker fear: after two episodes and a near miss, and all so relatively close together, I no longer know if I can trust myself.
Even with her.
“Rakel, stop.”
Her footsteps pause.
“I… I think you should stay over there.”
Her faint silhouette shifts, drawing closer. “Ash, I’m not scared of you.”
“An error of judgment at this point. You know what I’ve done. You’ve seen what I am. This morning, who knows what … could have happened.”
“What I know is that you won’t hurt me.”
“Rakel, you weren’t there.” The words come out more accusation than explanation, surprising even myself. “You don’t know what they put me through. Under the Mountain, Zostar and his cronies they … experimented. A lot of the time I wasn’t even conscious.”
She’s fumbling for the candles I didn’t light earlier. “Ash, you know I had no idea you were alive, don’t you? I never would have left you if I did. Do you know that?”
“Yes.”
“Then you also know I won’t leave you now.”
I stand, holding up my hands as if they’re the last line of defense. “It’s different now. I’m afraid… I’m afraid I’m not who I used to be. I don’t even know half of the things they did to me, their purpose, if there will be any lasting … effects. I don’t know how or when I’ll next lose control. This morning, with Barden, it wasn’t life and death. That was … anger. Rage.”
Light flares, and she’s there, features illuminated in the warm flame of the candle as she uses one to light the next, setting them down on the table. She’s only a couple of steps away now. The scent of desert rose drifts around me. And with it, the last of my resistance crumbles. I’ve lived a life sworn to protect another, but with Rakel, it was always different. And now she’s here.
I step forward, closing the distance between us until she’s in my arms and I’m sighing into her hair, the tension I’d held through countless prayers and hours of silence slowly draining from my muscles.
When she draws back enough to look up at me, her eyes shine with withheld tears. “Please, Ash. Let me help you.”
“I won’t have you risking your life for me.”
“That’s not your choice to make.”
I’m silent.
“If the roles were reversed, you’d do the same for me.”
“In a heartbeat,” I respond without hesitation.
“Then treat me as an equal.”
The challenge crackles in the air between us: dry tinder ready to leap into flame. She’s not your charge, I remind myself. You are not bloodsworn to her. The person I’m bloodsworn to – was bloodsworn to – comes to mind, along with some of the last words he spoke to me. It was more important to protect me than to love me.
“Rakel, I’m scared. Of what I’m becoming. Of what this might do to you. To us.”
“Me too,” she admits. “But think of it this way – if this works, we could be helping so many more. The children beneath Ekasya Mountain, for a start.”
“That was my promise. Not yours. You don’t need to take that on.”
She shakes her head, smiling. “Do you know how I kept going when I thought I’d lost you?”
I raise my brows in question.
“I thought of what we would say if we were facing the problem together.”
“The only way out is through.” I smile.
“Through it is. Tonight. Now. The sultis won’t last for ever on those guards.”
“Where are we going?”
“The top of the temple. But first, you’re going to need to help me with some supplies.”