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Erik didn’t own a giant porcelain bathtub with hot running water. He did, however, provide me with a galvanized washtub large enough to sit in and plenty of warmish water from a pot boiling on his brazier. He mixed it with a barrel of filtered rainwater collected from a broken drainpipe in one of the nearby subway tunnels. With his bar of sandalwood soap, I scrubbed away two weeks of accumulated grime, sluicing away spots and stains of which I never wanted to know the source. After setting up my bath in a dark corner of the maintenance bay, he had left me with a towel and a silk robe similar to the one Parvati had lent me when I stayed at Moksha.
I had vague memories of the days before. I remembered leaving the College of Kimiyagari and finding the Savings and Loan ransacked and vandalized. I remembered helping Erik into bed after he’d passed out from exhaustion. Everything after that...
When I tried thinking about it, flashes of smells, images, and urges assaulted me, none of them pleasant. As long as I stayed awake, I could keep it all from jumping out of the shadows and yelling “Boo!” I feared sleeping, though. Oh, how I loathed those little slices of death. I dreaded the nightmares that must’ve been lurking in the dark depths of my brain, waiting for the moment I let down my guard. Most of all, I feared that if I closed my eyes, I might wake up to find my cure was the dream and my near-death nightmare was reality.
While I bathed, Erik called to me from inside his railcar. “Need me to wash your back?”
A grin split my face. “No, but I hope you’ll wash my hair in a minute.”
His dim silhouette peeked from the train’s doorway. “I’ll get more water ready.”
“A bath wouldn’t hurt you either.”
“I’ll take care of myself after I’m done with you. Maybe you’ll wash my back.”
Tell a guy you love him, and he gets delusions of grandeur. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to put my hands all over him. He was gorgeous, flaws and all—especially because of the flaws. My knees trembled and my hands shook at the thought of touching him, but I’d only just returned from my journey down the River Styx. Let’s take one thing at a time.
Later, after he’d finished washing my hair, Erik sat on the edge of his overstuffed chair, and I sprawled on the floor between his feet. “I don’t ever want to go through that again.” He gently raked a comb through my damp curls. “I thought I would die if you turned. I thought I would ask Dwivedi to put a bullet in my head after he put one in you.” He set aside his comb, took my hand, and squeezed until my knuckles creaked. “You can’t risk it. Never again.”
The look on his face, the desperation and horror, the pain... it broke me a little. There was no way I could guarantee him that I’d never take another risk. Our world didn’t work like that, and he knew it. But after all I’d been through, after all I’d put him through, I wasn’t anxious to face the Preternaturally Dead anytime soon. So there was no point in arguing. Yet.
“What’s for dinner?” I asked, changing the subject. My stomach gave a convincing rumble.
He exhaled, obviously relieved to have avoided a fight. “What do you want?”
“Roasted marrow, beef carpaccio, blood aspic.” I named all the goriest dishes I could think of.
He studied me, eyes narrowed, probably trying to determine if I was joking or not.
“What did you feed me anyway?” I asked. “I only remember that whatever it was, it tasted horrible.”
He winced. “You don’t want to know.”
I searched for a clue on his face. He’d pressed his lips into a thin line and picked at a loose thread on his cuff.
“Okay,” I said. “I won’t ask.”
Eclectic best described the average Solo Practitioner’s diet. With a plate of steaming rice, lentils, and scrambled quail eggs, Erik and I settled onto the floor for a picnic. We ate in silence for a while before I asked my next question.
“Is there news of my sister?” Had my temporary vacation from sanity interfered with the plans we had begun to put in place with Moll Grimes?
He sat up straighter. “I forgot all about it. Moll agreed to let you see Bloom. We told her you came down with a fever and needed time to recuperate. She agreed to set up a meeting when you felt better.”
“Just like that? That easily?”
Erik’s face flushed, and his gaze dropped to somewhere around my shoulders.
“What is it?”
“She raised the asking price.”
“Meaning...”
“Dwivedi had to make an extra batch of the immunity serum.”
I tilted my head and quirked an eyebrow. “You gave more blood?”
He fiddled with the pile of rice on his plate, still avoiding my gaze. “I’d open every one of my veins for you.”
I dropped my fork and snatched his hand, stretching out his arm. He’d rolled up his shirtsleeves, and the pale remnant of a bruise lingered in the bend of his elbow—evidence of where Dwivedi had stuck the needle. For an instant, I had the urge to put my teeth there and taste him, but I shook it off. “Don’t say things like that. It makes me uncomfortable.”
He glanced up at me and blinked. “Why?”
“I want you to take care of yourself, too, is all. It does neither of us any good if you wind up sick or worse because you were trying to help me.”
He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “We’ll have to take care of each other then.”
***
RECLINING BESIDE ME in bed, Erik’s elbow was bent, his head resting in his hand as he gazed at me. A suggestive smile played on his lips. “Hello, beautiful.”
Unable to form a reply, I smiled back. Overwhelmed by need, I couldn’t shape coherent words. Instead, I pulled him in for a kiss. At first, he was an enthusiastic participant, but as I pressed against him, harder, more demanding, he pushed me away.
“Sera, wait. Slow down a little.” He wiped a finger across his lip, and it came away smeared with blood.
Before he could protest, I grabbed his finger and popped it into my mouth, licking it clean.
“Sera, stop.”
I didn’t want to stop. He tasted so good. Catching his face in my hands, I drew him close and licked the blood from the wound on his lip. He fought me, struggling, squirming, but I didn’t let go.
“No, Sera.”
His strength couldn’t overcome mine, though he fought hard. I pushed him down, putting my weight on him so he couldn’t get away. I wanted to taste him. Wanted to eat him alive. My teeth latched on to his lip, and he screamed as I tore into the tender flesh...
“Sera.” Erik shook me until I came to. “You’re having a bad dream. Wake up.”
The fire in the brazier cast a dim orange light, and shadows danced around the train car like hellish fiends. Heart racing, pulse pounding, hands shaking, I put my fingers to Erik’s face, exploring every feature, verifying he was no more damaged than he had been when I’d fallen asleep next to him.
“I was afraid of this.” He hugged me hard to his chest.
“You?” I sniffed. “You didn’t have to see it. Didn’t have to feel it.” Sitting up, I pushed him away, shame and horror falling over me like a moldering blanket.
“Oh, I felt it.” He tugged me back into his embrace and kneaded my neck, rubbing away the strain. “Your panic was shaking the whole room.”
Surrendering to the magic of his touch, I burrowed my face into the crook of his neck. “I’m not sure it was panic.”
“What was it then?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Tell me about it?”
I shook my head. “No. Too horrible.”
“Sometimes talking helps exorcise the demons.”
I nuzzled his throat, kissing him, hoping to distract him. He reacted as I intended, scooting down so he could put his lips to mine. But that reminded me too much of my nightmare, so I pulled away.
His brows knitted. “What’s the matter?”
“Can you just hold me for a little bit, until I fall back asleep?”
Turning me in his arms, he pressed close so that his body molded against mine. He folded his arms around me and buried his face in my hair. His warm breath puffed on my neck. “All night if you’ll let me.”