One of the hazards of my job is that everyone assumes that just because I dish the dirt, I can help them sift through their own dirt. But, my pets, as much as you may wish it, let me remind you that even though it seems like I have all the answers, I’m neither a therapist nor a psychic. I can’t tell you that you’re dating a stoner because you have latent daddy issues, that you wear all black as a retaliation against your control freak mom, or that the reason you insist on keeping your bangs so long is your warped desire to not see the world for what it really is.
Here’s what I can tell you: All the absurd, self-defeating, and ultimately embarrassing things we end up doing are a result of human nature. We’re all hardwired to dip a toe in the dark side of our psyches. Just make sure you don’t venture too far away from shore, because then it becomes hard to swim back.
O and his coach, heading into a closed-door meeting in the St. Jude’s athletic director’s office. Swim meet strategy planning?… R on St. Mark’s in the East Village, buying a Legalize Pot T-shirt. He has so much to learn about stoner style!… J and J.P.’s dad, having glasses of Côtes du Rhône in the lobby of the Cashman Lofts. To discuss the Cash-man Lofts launch party… or to discuss something else? They do say French girls like older men…. A furiously scribbling whatever S.J. and G were whispering about in French class. Watch out, ladies. We’ve got a reporter in our midst.
q: GG,
Working on a hot story and need your input. Call me, dollface.
—metrowriter
a: Dear Metro Writer,
Sorry, I don’t do in-person interviews and certainly not on such short notice!
—GG
q: Dear Gossip Girl,
How much is the maximum age difference between a guy and a girl for it not to be super sketchy? Our health teacher, who’s like 25 and has an 18-year-old boyfriend, tells us the formula is the older person’s age, divided by two, plus seven is the minimum age the younger person can be. So, like, 25 divided by two is 12.5, and plus 7 is almost 20, which makes it totally okay. Is this right?
—math gurl
a: Dear MG,
Well, math isn’t my strong suit, but let’s put it this way. If one person has a curfew and the other doesn’t, then it’s probably not going to work.
—GG
Okay, as they say in therapy lingo: Time’s up! Until next time, feel free to indulge in any of my favorite stress-reducers: champagne, a hot bath, or an afternoon nap. Note that all of the above should be done with a member of the opposite sex for maximum effectiveness.
You know you love me.
gossip girl