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Tessa
The apartment was a bigger disappointment than she had planned. Of course, she hadn’t expected much. What had she thought would happen? Her mom would change everything in her home? Just because she’d renovated the bar, didn’t justify a complete overhaul of the upstairs apartment.
Jillian had changed, but not completely. That fact was both comforting and discouraging all at once.
Tessa pulled the last box from the car, balancing its heavy weight on the edge of the trunk while she reached up and to pull a maneuver she’d had to perform more than once in the past. She jostled the box to her hip while holding it in her arm and yanking the trunk down to latch shut. While it clicked shut, she shifted the box into both arms and leaned back, hoisting it higher on her waist to lean more fully against her chest.
What had she brought from Austin that weighed so much? Jiggling the box to the side at the door, a slight clinking inside had her nodding. Of course, the plates. She’d never been able to leave those plates. They were a wedding present from Jillian and she’d given the dishes to Tessa two nights before their final fight.
The fight when she’d told Tessa she was an idiot for marrying JJ. An idiot. Because Tessa would never escape Bride, Texas. Just like Jillian, she’d be stuck in the small town for the rest of her life, working hard to make up for choices that she could’ve changed.
...had she known any better.
“Don’t make the same mistakes I made.” Jillian had thrown at Tessa with her arms akimbo, her dark blonde hair hanging past her shoulders. She’d always pointed out how Tessa was a mistake. Something that was so easy to believe about herself. Jillian’s eyes had sparkled with rare, unshed tears. “Learn from me, Tess... Don’t be me. Do better. Be better.”
“I can’t, Mom. I’m just a mistake.” Tessa’s parting words tore through the quiet of the darkened stairs as if she were still there seven years ago.
She stared up the narrow staircase into the attic-style living space. How many memories would haunt her, chase her? How long could she cope with the tears of the past?
Jillian had lived so long there. Tessa didn’t know how she’d lasted. All she knew was it was the only memory she had of a home. There in lay the comfort. At least she was home. Nothing else was stable, but at least she was home.
Tessa’s mom had been a cleaner. She’d left her home spotless which was easy for her since she’d never catered to clutter.
The steps creaked as Tessa climbed toward the landing. Light from the kitchen window cast shadows from the railing across the stairs.
Nathan had fallen asleep on the loveseat arranged perpendicular to the couch with its back facing the stair rails. Tessa would have to head to the store for food when he woke up. Maybe he’d think of it as an adventure.
She set the box next to the others she’d stacked along the wall beside the doorway to the kitchen and moved to sit on the couch. She flopped onto the cushions the same way she’d fallen to the furniture growing up. Glancing once more toward her resting son, she stared up at the ceiling.
Nothing had changed. A weird sensation of déjà vu folded around her. She rolled to her side and tucked a neatly placed crocheted pillow under her cheek and chin. Just in her line of sight from the couch, a corner of the same olive green refrigerator with its rounded corners and fat potbelly style manned the kitchen.
She blinked slowly. Fatigue from the anxiety of the trip and the meaning behind the sudden travel as well as everything else pulled at her eyelids. She fell asleep before finishing her yawn.
~~~
SHE RUBBED HER EYES and blinked, glancing around the dimmer living room. Afternoon had come and gone. Where had the time disappeared? She sat up, smothering a second yawn.
A waft of her mother's perfume struck her in the face and she closed her eyes. After a second she opened her eyes and stood, moving to sit beside her still-sleeping son. She gently rubbed his back and ducked her head. “Honey, it’s time to wake up.” She waited a few seconds and his eyelids fluttered opened. Tessa smiled to soften the demand to pull from sleep. “Hi, time to wake up.”
She backed up to give him space and he blinked more before shifting himself to a sitting position. He turned a scrunched expression toward her and moved his mouth with a smacking sound. “Did we eat already?”
Catching his gaze, she shook her head. “No, we’re heading to the store in a second. Did you want to see your room?” She flinched at the term. She hadn’t meant to sound so permanent. Shaking her head, she stood. “I know it's not the same as home, but it’ll be okay. This is where I grew up.”
She held her smile steady even as his sad expression made her want to cry.
As they stood up, Tessa couldn't help wishing things had been different. How much was the last few months of their lives going to affect Nathan? She’d had to pack up all of their things because she had lost the apartment.
When her roommate moved out, she couldn't keep up with the bills. As it was, she had asked for two weeks off from work as a restaurant supervisor and all she wanted to do was make ends meet.
Reluctant wasn’t a strong enough word for how her boss acted when she asked for the time off. Even when she’d explained that her mom had died. Tessa knew she needed the time, as it would be filled with regrets and wishes for redemption. Things she’d been dodging since she left.
Why hadn’t her wishes for a chance to start over ever been granted? Why couldn’t she grasp the concept that she couldn’t go back in time? She’d always needed a chance to tell her mom everything could've been different. Now she would be stuck wishing the rest of her life.
She still didn't know how her mom had even died. The letter telling her to come home had been brief and when she’d tried calling, she’d only gotten an answering machine. She’d returned as fast as she could.
Nathan slowly stood, joining her at the head of the hallway. He reached up and took her hand in his small fingers.
They walked down the long hallway which, only felt long because there were no windows. The pictures on the walls hadn't changed. Her mom still showcased pictures of Tessa when she was little alongside a sepia-toned portrait of Jillian her Greg when they’d been married. Jillian had positioned that frame in a station of importance, above the light switch.
Tessa stopped at the doorway to her old bedroom. The whole of it wasn't bigger than the size of a large pantry and, now, it seemed even smaller since she’d been on her own for the last seven years.
A small twin bed adorned in faded Rainbow Brite sheets and matching duvet commanded the majority of the space. A rainbow striped bed skirt came from under the neatly tucked in bedding to graze the raggedy but clean carpet.
On top of a nightstand snugged into the corner the edges of a miniature dollhouse hung over the edges. Afternoon light streamed in through the pea-sized window, enhancing the size of everything.
Tessa sighed, unable to smother her frustration in her situation. Would Nathan always have to deal with leftovers and hand-me-downs? Just once she would like to be able to say, here’s a brand new toy in its package and see his delight. Of course, he didn’t mind how he got his toys as long as they worked... it was the principle of being able to do that.
His sigh matched Tessa’s and she looked down at him. Was he thinking the same thing?
“What’s the matter?” Maybe he didn’t like it. Or maybe he hated the doll house. Tessa desperately wanted him to be happy, even if it was for just a couple days.
He poked the toe of his shoe into an especially worn part of the carpet and avoided looking at her. “I... I don’t really like Rainbow Brite. I’m not a girl.” He looked up at Tessa with his lips scrunched to the side.
Pressing her lips together to keep her relieved laughter from bubbling out, Tessa knelt down until she was on eye level with her son. “I know it's Rainbow Brite, but they have some really cool characters in there like Murky and Lurky. If you can cope with the rainbows, we'll change over to Superman as soon as we get the chance.” And the cash.
He didn't acknowledge her as he moved to lie on the bed. He rolled from his side to his back and stared up at the ceiling. A flash of excitement widened his eyes. “Mom,” he pointed towards the ceiling. “There are stars in here, just like at my old house.”
Tessa glanced up and smiled. Thank goodness, her mom hadn’t taken out the stars Tessa had put in when she was Nathan's age – wow, since she was seven. That reassurance wasn’t only comforting to Nathan, but to Tessa as well.
She smiled and half-stepped into the hallway, blinking back relieved tears that Nathan didn’t seem to be as disappointed in her as she was. “I'm going to see if there's any food.”
Tessa left the deluge of unwanted memories behind. She didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with any of the stressors at the moment. She wandered down the hallway, avoiding her mom's room where she was probably expected to sleep. For the funeral, she’d need to raid her mom’s closet, but for now... Tessa planned on sleeping on the couch. She couldn't make herself go in Jillian’s room. Not yet.
Entering the kitchen with its short boxy oven and gas-style burners, Tessa hoped to find something to eat. Where did she start?
She rummaged through drawers and cabinets, emerging after a few minutes with a box of corn meal and a can of small salad shrimp. She couldn’t tell by the stamp on the can, but she had a sneaking suspicion that the shrimp was bad.
She closed her eyes for a second. Please, have something in the fridge. She turned and eyed the old metal handle on the green fridge, gripping the handle and nudging it open. Half-opening her eyes to see, she had to wait until the old light clicked on. The bright glow wasn’t the newer LED versions, but the older ones that could warm up the fridge, if left on too long.
At that moment, it wouldn’t matter if the light bulb was UVB, there was nothing inside to show. The fridge was empty. Not even a box of baking soda sat inside.
At least it was clean. Tessa was just hungry enough she might have thrown something, if it was filthy. But dirty wasn’t how Mom did things.
She leaned forward, her forehead pressing into the cool metal of the fridge. What was Tessa going to feed Nathan? She didn't have any cash. The last of their money was spent on the final gas tank to get there.
Chewing on the soft skin of her inner cheek, she looked around the kitchen anxiously. A little bit of a boon in some manner would be greatly appreciated, since she needed more time to get things figured out. With everything pulling at her, not having to worry about food would have been so nice.
A rusty-cornered recipe box with a white sticker reading “Bills” on the front sat next to the fridge. Great, was Tessa going to be stuck with leftover bills from her mom, too? That would exactly fit Jillian and her mannerisms with money.
Tessa turned to the side, her hip resting on the edge of the counter and slowly opened the box. The front bills all had red stamps declaring “overdue”, “late”, and “delinquent”.
Frustration welled in Tessa's chest, forcing tears she’d been fighting out her eyes. She turned and braced her hands on the edge of the counter and shook her head. Why? Why was she also expected to pay for her mom's stuff when she couldn't even stay on top of hers?
She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. She was trying. She was trying so hard. When would she catch a break? What was she going to tell Nathan? Sorry, buddy, Mommy and Grandma have no idea how to manage money so you get to go to bed hungry tonight. Not mother-of-the-year stuff.
She crumpled the few envelopes she had pulled out of the box and shoved them back on the counter, pushing everything against the backsplash. After a second, Tessa lifted her head.
Jillian always kept emergency cash in the freezer. Had that changed?
Holding her breath, Tessa opened the top drawer and looked inside the ice box. A lot of collected frost added a thick layer of ice to the inside all but eliminating any real significant shapes or angles. Tucked in the back, a small Tupperware box sat in the corner with its own ice chunks holding it in place.
Pulling the box out, Tessa shallowly breathed as she opened the lid, cracking the brittle plastic when the lid pulled up half way. About five $100 bills were folded and thrown inside.
Tessa leaned against the fridge and slid down until her rear end hit the floor. For a second, her angry tears turned to streams of relieved anguish. The bump came at just the right time and shored up her mood. For just a minute, she felt like she wasn’t drowning.
With just one of the bills she and Nathan could run down to the small store and grab some food. They could make it an adventure. There was probably enough money to buy groceries for the next few weeks.
Thanks, Mom.
A beep on her phone pulled her from the moment. She had a message. But... She didn’t have any friends to text. Who was messaging her?
“We filled your position. There's no need to come back in. We won't have anything for you. We will send your final check to your mailing address on file.” Her boss at the restaurant she worked at for the past seven years. Who fired someone with a text message?
Her shoulders slumped forward. What was she supposed to do? She’d have to get the classifieds out while she was home. She was still waiting on that apartment. A blinking icon on her phone insisted she had a voicemail. When had she gotten a phone call? Maybe when she unloaded the truck and had to leave the phone on the counter.
She didn't recognize the number. Her boss might have called to say the text message was an accident. Or maybe... Maybe she had gotten the apartment! She needed something good to happen. Something... anything at this point.
Dialing the voicemail, she punched in her password when prompted. Crossing her fingers, she waited breathlessly. A very curt no to the apartment left her blinking back more tears.
The call ended with her slowly lowering the phone and leaning her head against the fridge. She got help in the form of hidden cash and then she was left with nothing.
No apartment to go back to. No job to pay for anything anyway.
Would she be stuck living at her mom's house? That was all she had at the moment. She wasn’t sure who handled those things, but maybe she at least had the apartment and the bar. Or... maybe it would just come with more bills and debt.
One good step forward, fifty-three shoves back.
How could she have come full circle only to end up right back where she started?