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Tessa
Tessa had to stop checking the stairs for her mom to appear. She’d glanced in the kitchen no less than twenty times since getting up that morning. Even though she had a child of her own, being back in her mom’s place made her feel like she was sixteen again.
The reality far out-shadowed the fantasy. Nothing was going to make her mom come out of the bedroom ever again. She’d never see her mom wiping at the counters or fluffing the oldest pillows on earth! Well, they weren’t that old, but the raggedy edges could pass for close to it.
Kneeling, Tessa winced as her knees struck the hardwood floor. Her dress was a little tighter than she had planned, but she didn't have anything else to wear in its place and no funds to go searching the small boutiques.
Black was the only acceptable form of funeral wear in a town the size of Bride. The town respected tradition in an overall mindset. While its residents celebrated quirkiness, they wouldn’t tolerate disrespect.
Tessa understood that. She reached up and tugged Nathan's clip-on tie into place, folding the collar down. “These are called wings. We'll just fold them over the edges of your tie and it looks like a real big guy’s tie. Pretty neat, huh?” She reached down and attempted to smooth the dress and its too-tight crease across the upper part of her thighs. She forced a smile but even she didn’t believe the lie.
Nathan looked up at her, his eyes big and brown just like JJ’s were. She hadn't realized how much Nathan actually looked like Jeremiah until she'd seen them standing side-by-side.
Even a full night’s sleep – okay, she’d never really gotten any sleep. All she’d done all night was toss and turn and argue with the couch cushions. But, even if she had been able to get a full night’s sleep, she doubted that would have been able to take away the awareness she'd had when JJ was in the room.
Or erase the tug of despair as he walked away.
“Why do I have to wear a tie at all?” Nathan reached up and tugged on the edge of his collar. Of course, he didn't like it. What boy liked wearing a black vest, pants, and a tucked in white shirt with black shoes he’d never have to wear again? She got the suit at Wal-Mart for a few bucks because it was on clearance along with the shoes. Unfortunately, the shoes were a touch too small and the suit was probably on clearance because the shirt and the pant sizes didn't match up.
Beggars couldn’t be choosers and Tessa was definitely a beggar. She opened her mouth to answer him when he cut her off with an innocent enough series of questions that would have brought her to her knees, if she weren’t there already.
“Why did Grandma die? Are you going to die? Did my dad die?” His puckered lips and furrowed brow would have been enough to take him seriously, but the presence of tears in his eyes screamed just how hard he was taking the funeral business.
Shaking her head slowly, Tessa scrunched her lips to the side. She reached out and pulled Nathan into her arms. He was getting bigger, but he was still a little kid. He was her little boy and she hated that he was in pain. Rocking him from side to side, she was grateful he still let her. She needed the contact almost as much as he did.
After a moment, she let him pull away. As he scratched the side of his nose and watched her, Tessa formed her answers.
When she finally spoke, she did so slowly and with extra care. “I’m not planning on dying any time soon. Grandma died... I’m not sure why. She was fairly young and I believe healthy, but she lived a hard and lonely life. When it’s our time, it’s our time.” She offered a soft smile. Would that be enough for him?
“What about my dad? Is he dead?” Apparently her answers to the other two questions weren’t enough. He was going to get the answers to everything or he’d be on her like a dog on a bone.
She’d been through it before with him but on other things. Please, please, don’t ever mention remote control cars around him again. The last time she’d dealt with his incessant need for answers had been with the remote control cars he’d seen at a small race track. They’d driven by on their way to the store and he’d seen them. After that, he’d asked everyone about the mini-cars and how he could get one. He’d claimed his mom had no money and he just wanted to get an RC car. Everywhere. Even at school. Nothing had gotten him off that until Tessa had taken him down to watch the cars and one of the owners had let Nathan race one for a little bit. Tessa wasn’t ready for that again.
Sighing, Tessa tilted her head to the side. “Okay, your dad? Let’s get this straightened out, right now. I left him. I... I can’t even tell you why now because I’m so sad about my mom dying. I left your father but, no, he’s not dead.”
A vast array of emotions played across Nathan’s face as he took in her words. “You didn’t like him?” He wrinkled his nose as he tried to put together a good enough reason for why his mom would leave his dad. “Did he take your toys?”
Wanting to chuckle, Tessa bit her lip. “No. He was a sweet man. I liked him very, very much. He never took anything from me and he loved me. I just didn’t want to make him not like me.” So she left, ran, like a coward. Why was she just now accepting the emotional consequences of what she’d done? She could’ve accepted the pain of her choices in Austin, accepted what she’d done and moved on.
Why was she allowing her memories and her vulnerabilities to pull at her while she was in Bride? Things weren’t going to change. She couldn’t beg JJ to take her back. She wasn’t the type to beg for anything. Plus, why would he ever have a reason to forgive her? She’d left him at the altar. She’d publicly embarrassed him.
There was no reason why he would accept an apology from her. At least, not enough that he would want her back in his life.
“It sounds stupid and this feels stupid.” He hung his hands by his side and his shoulders drooped. “Mom, I don’t want to go today. I won’t know anyone and I don’t want to see a dead body.”
His suggestion made her still. Would she see her mom’s body?
She hadn’t even thought about that. Attending a funeral wasn’t something the younger adults did. She couldn’t remember ever going to one.
Would her mom’s body be there and would she be expected to look at it?
Pushing the gruesome possibility away, she put her hand on the tops of her thighs and settled back onto her haunches. “I get it. I'm not a fan of dressing up either. Do you see this dress? I haven't had to wear this in years. Those doughnuts we had back in Austin? They’re sitting right here.” She patted the side of her soft hip. She'd gained a little bit of weight since moving away and she was hoping JJ hadn't noticed. Having a young boy and working all the time made exercising and dieting a low priority.
She glanced at the clock on the wall. The big hand steadily turned toward the hour and the time to go crept closer and closer. She still hadn't figured out what she was going to do with Nathan later that night when she worked the bar. She hadn’t had a chance to tell JJ she would open, but if she worked as the bartender, of course she’d get to keep the tips. She needed any money she could bring in.
Nathan had always stayed with her roommate back in Austin. Tessa had never needed to worry. But now... Tessa was thrust into the same position her mother had been and she suddenly was filled with insecurities and uncertainty.
Would she have to do with her son what Jillian had done with her? Considering the long nights of sitting on a bench in the storage room with a book while listening to the coarse language and inappropriate behaviors of the bar, Tessa refused to put Nathan through that.
Even if she had to close the bar for the night.
She reached out a hand when Nathan stopped tugging on his shirt. Jerking her head toward the front door, Tessa pasted on a too-bright smile. “All right, let's get going. We've got a party to get to.” Party schmarty. She didn’t want anything to do with that day. She wanted to curl up on the couch and go to sleep for however long it took for her life to get back to right. She didn’t want to see JJ and have him feel sorry for her in her too-small dress or see the pain in Nathan’s eyes. She didn’t want to feel ashamed for her circumstances as she stood there with townspeople she hadn’t seen in years.
No girl wanted to come back home worse off than when she left.
She’d borrowed a black hat with a mesh veil from her mother’s coat closet at the top of the landing. Pulling the veil a little bit more over her eyes, Tessa arched an eyebrow. She’d deal with whatever came her way. She was a Sinclair. That’s what they did. The hat had reminded Tessa of Jillian and how she always claimed she felt like Jackie Onassis with she wore it.
Whoever that was.
The pair slipped their shoes on at the top of the stairs and clip-clopped down the steps to the back door. Tessa didn't bother locking the doors. She was a Sinclair. Everybody knew she had no money. Why waste your time on someone poorer than you?
In a town as small as Bride, people wouldn’t try to steal things from the one bartender. They could get in the way of their libations and no one would tolerate that.
The few people on the street seemed to be headed in the same general direction. More townsfolk were out than Tessa had seen the last couple of days since they’d been in town. Maybe her self-consciousness made it seem like everyone was headed toward the big church on the end of Main.
Nope, her paranoia had grounds as the people funneled into the front doors, clutching their handbags and shaking hands with someone standing just inside the front door.
The building hadn't changed, other than being a little bit tidier and a little bit faded like it sat there and waited for each of its town members to come and either get married or die and get buried.
Black Mary Jane’s with a very modest heel clicked and clacked on the sidewalk, making it difficult to hide her agitation. Her heartbeat wouldn’t stop racing. She was nervous, but she didn’t want anyone to know that.
She tried slowing her steps down, but then the click of her shoes sounded too slow. No, that would never do. She didn’t want to go too fast or too slow. What was the perfect speed? Why was she wrapped up in the perfect speed to walk? Especially when it wasn’t important.
Breathe. Just breathe. She clenched Nathan's hand in hers, again, hoping her efforts weren't too hard or too soft.
She had to focus on her breathing. No, wait, she had to keep her gaze on the ground in case she tripped. Should she focus on not stepping on a crack or she’d break her mother's back? The humor wasn’t appropriate but she couldn’t help the smile splitting across her face. Mom would get the joke. If Jillian were there, she’d completely understand.
Tessa focused on the cars driving by and keeping the veil from popping her in the eye. Where had her mother gotten that heinous thing from? Maybe Tessa wore it too far forward or maybe it was too far back. She didn't know. All she knew was that her mom had loved that hat. Well, now, Jillian could feel like a true matriarch of respectability as she was laid out to rest in front of the entire congregation. How had they known what to dress her in?
Tessa pulled Nathan behind the church with her. She couldn’t go in the front. She didn’t want to be seen by anyone. Of course, the gossips would be out with a vengeance and she had no doubt in her mind they were hungry for more gossip which she was always able to give them.
Wow, she sounded like a bitter old woman.
Hopefully, all the people filing inside the church were there because they were grieving the loss and not just there for the spectacle.
Tessa shook her head. Ugh, she sounded like a whining brat. Enough. If she was living in Bride, she had to stop putting such a negative spin on everything and start being more hopeful. The town people had probably finally noticed that Jillian was a constant in the town and she didn’t have a bad bone in her body.
Acknowledging that was hard since the last thing Tessa and Jillian had fought about was Tessa accusing Jillian of being mean. What a childish thing Tessa had thrown at her mom. How stupid when all Jillian had wanted what was best for Tessa.
“Why are we back here?” Nathan studied the back door of the church with its scratched handle and faded paint. A cement patio stoop led the way and they stepped up as she pulled open the heavy metal panel. Stepping inside, she winced at the almost-too-cool air conditioning and the loud click as the door closed. Silence filled the building in the rear as walls separated the back rooms from the large chapel area.
“Shhh.” Tessa pushed her finger against her lip and walked on tiptoe to the foyer door. Peeking through the thin opening, she studied the layout of the half-full room with narrowed eyes. Glancing over her shoulder, she pointed out toward the congregation where he couldn’t yet see and whispered, “Let’s take a back pew.”
He reached up for her hand, his nerves evident as he nodded carefully. Following her, Nathan filed in behind her as they made their way up the side aisle and tucked into one of the far pews in the back.
Out of sight and in the shadows of the overhanging balcony, Tessa didn’t feel like she had to slouch to stay hidden or sit up straight to prove a point either. For the briefest second, Tessa wished her mom was there to prod Tessa to be more ladylike in church.
“Mom, what’s that smell?” Nathan wrinkled his nose, tugging on the sleeve of her dress.
Tessa rolled her eyes and grinned. “That’s the smell of old women and even older men, rotten wood, and moldy bread.” She winked at her joke and leaned back up to scan the crowd of the church.
She avoided looking at the front of the church with all her might.
JJ’s Aunt Suki had claimed a pew right up front. Tessa narrowed her eyes slightly. She wasn’t amused that Suki had warned JJ of her arrival. Tessa had expected it, but that didn’t mean she had to do it.
Ah, Nancy Redd and her husband claimed a spot on the end of a pew opposite the aisle of Suki. Nancy Redd was the town’s matchmaker and one of the master busybodies. There was a skill and an art to doing what Nancy and Suki did.
Nancy glanced toward the back of the church toward the doors and the lines of her face seemed deeper.
Everyone looked older. Seven years sure changed people. There are a few new faces that Tessa didn't recognize and a few she did. She didn't know if that was good or bad.
Maybe some people had stayed because they couldn’t escape. Tessa was only there because a death in the family had dragged her back... and circumstances forced her to stay. She didn’t mind though. She’d be happy doing whatever she could as long as she could feed her boy.
Wincing, she realized the same pastor who had been there to marry her and JJ had taken his place at the front of the church at the pulpit.
Beside an open casket.