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Tessa
Her gaze scanned the open top lid and she stopped breathing.
She just sat there, moving her hand from a clenched position to an open stretch. She finally reached forward, gripping the edge of the pew and leaned toward the front of the church.
Her mom was in the casket. She hadn't even had a chance to see her. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t think or do much of anything.
As if filled with magnetic material, Tessa stood slowly, murmuring to Nathan, “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” The tug on her insides increased in strength and she swallowed, staring at the casket as she continued walking toward it. Ignoring the crowd of people as they turned to stare at her, she approached the large white box as if on a cloud of viscous material intent on sucking her back.
When she finally reached the steps leading up to the viewing area, she paused. Did she want to continue? Did she want to see her mom there? Fear engulfed her and she reached up, clutching the base of her throat.
But she didn’t stop. She continued, approaching the side of the white casket that had to be worth more than Jillian could afford, more than Tessa could afford.
The whisperings and murmurs in the church grew louder as people recognized her and she didn’t care. She just hoped Nathan was okay. Even as she thought it, she couldn’t turn around. She couldn’t look away.
Fingers out, she gripped the edge of the casket and walked close enough to see inside.
Her mom was asleep. No way was she dead. She couldn’t be dead with that peaceful expression on her face – the same one Tessa had seen countless times as she’d gone to wake her mom up before she went to school. Her mom’s hands were folded at just above her waist with a sunflower in her grasp and she wore a very sedate blue outfit that, if she’d opened her eyes, would match her gaze.
Curls in her hair and a soft look to her makeup showed someone had taken their time getting her dressed.
Jillian looked classier and more refined than the last time Tessa had seen her. They’d both been yelling and Tessa had been crying, so who knows how barbaric they’d appeared to the other or to anyone who would’ve seen.
Softly, Tessa stretched out her hand and touched the smooth skin of Jillian’s cheek. She shook her head as she scrunched up her nose and the tears she’d been fighting for so long finally tumbled down her own cheeks. She sniffed, wiping her nose and looking toward the ceiling of the church.
That wasn’t enough, though.
Emotions overtook Tessa and she looked back to her mom and half-yelled, “You weren’t supposed to die. You haven’t met him and I need you. Why?” She slapped the top of the casket lid that covered the lower half of Jillian’s form. “Dang it, mama.” Tessa’s shoulders curled forward and she folded her arms at her waist, sobs heaving her forward and to the side.
Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around her from the side and Tessa was led from the viewing platform. “Come on, let’s go over here.” JJ’s deep voice didn’t boom as he murmured comforting platitudes to get her to go with him. They left the chapel and went into one of the back rooms she’d entered through.
JJ deposited her on the bench and then disappeared for a moment, returning seconds later with Nathan in tow. Nathan sat beside Tessa and awkwardly patted her back with his eyes wide.
Claiming a seat on Tessa’s other side, JJ leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Tess. I know you’re going through a lot.” He didn’t say anything else which meant a lot for her.
Unable to stop herself, she leaned toward him, grabbing his hand in hers and resting her head on his shoulder. She sniffed and plaintively cried on him. “JJ, I messed up. I didn’t mean to stay away so long. The longer I went though, the harder it was to come home and now...” She reached over and pulled Nathan closer against her side, unwilling to lift her head from JJ’s support.
He didn’t push her off or move away so she held onto that with all the fervor her broken heart could handle. Just for a minute. She just needed to not be alone for a minute.
Even with the overwhelming pain of losing her mom before she had a chance to fix things with her, Tessa couldn’t help but note that she sat with both of the main men in her life – her son and his father. The feeling of family belonging overtook her and added more tears to those already streaming down her face.
Counting to five in her head, she slowly leaned back from JJ, swiping at the moisture on her cheeks and dabbing at the soft skin under her eyes. She looked upward as she tried not to smudge her makeup and wrapped an arm around Nathan. She smiled brightly at JJ when he looked over at her, pain equally marking his features.
She reached out and patted his knee. “Thanks, JJ. I appreciate your support.” Did she scream at him how much she still cared and how stupid she’d been to leave? Nope. Not right then when her emotions and vulnerabilities were at an all-time high. What if he said too late? What if he didn’t feel the same? Or what if he didn’t forgive her? She couldn’t be able to recover in that moment. Not right then.
He nodded, accepting whatever he suspected had just happened and pushed himself to stand. “Take your time. The funeral won’t start for a few more minutes.” JJ glanced at Nathan and offered a handshake. “Nice to see you again, little man.” He glanced at Tessa, his eyes full of questions she didn’t want to answer. After a drawn out space of time, he jerked his chin down and turned, leaving them in the alcove of the church.
Tessa jiggled her legs, her feet tapping in a weird raucous clicking that wasn’t loud, it was just random. She tried to shake off the feelings she’d just encountered and doubted she’d ever be able to avoid facing them head on.
Another moment passed, her tears stopped completely and she wasn’t sniffing anymore. Nathan hadn’t said much but she was glad JJ had retrieved him for her. She leaned down and lifted his face to see more fully. “Are you good to go back in?”
He nodded, worry darkening his already dark eyes. “Are you okay, Mom?”
“Yeah, I’ll be just fine.” She stood and led the way through the door, not allowing her previous lack of composure to alter any of her confidence – at least exteriorly. She pulled a smile together on her face and walked toward her pew in the back, ignoring all the swiveling heads and murmurs.
Scanning the congregation for JJ’s familiar face so she could offer him a smile of gratitude, she stopped looking when her gaze fell on his family dark hair and strong, handsome features.
His broad shoulders in a well-tailored suit made her catch her breath. His tenderness in the alcove and dealing with her situation only added to her gratitude and she smiled softly at him when his eyes focused on her. He looked away quickly, glancing to his left at a woman with intricately braided red hair and an elegant slope to her neck. A pert nose and full lips combined with large eyes and smooth porcelain skin rounded out the look of perfection in the woman sitting beside him.
Tessa bit her lip, and slid into their abandoned pew. Since when did Bride have people that pretty? Rolling her eyes at herself, Tessa refused to allow her heart to react. So what if he’d moved on? What did she think was going to happen? That he was going to wait forever for her to come back when she’d abandoned him?
Come on, girl. You’re not stupid. Suck it up. She blinked back more tears and set her jaw. She could face all of this – the death of her mother, the loss of her security back in Austin, the loss of her job and home, the impending return to a life she’d tried to escape, and... JJ. She could even survive this.
The death of hope was a lot harder than she’d thought possible.
Unable to stop peeking at the back of JJ’s head and the redhead, Tessa tensed every time the woman leaned toward JJ or smiled up at him. Maybe a seat in the back hadn’t been the smartest move she’d made that day.
The woman leaned up and kissed JJ’s cheek and Tessa narrowed her eyes. She glanced to the side, catching Nancy Redd studying Tessa as well. Heat warming her cheeks, Tessa looked to her lap. Great. Just great! She’d been caught staring at her ex like a forlorn jealous woman. What was wrong with her?
Her tears were her fault. How could she think they would ride off into the sunset as a happy family? There was too much water under the bridge for JJ and Tessa to move on. Too much to forgive. She’d done him wrong and that was that. Time to accept the consequences. She’d have to put all that longing behind her.
She wasn't stupid. The presence of the redhead meant he had moved on. If nothing else, Tessa could at least hope he would ignore the option he had of going after partial or full custody of Nathan in a legal battle she couldn’t afford. She wasn’t sure why she was scared after all this time, but it made it more difficult to trust the situation when she didn’t have all the facts – like the woman.
And, he hadn’t known Nathan then. Her son was amazing and now that JJ had an inkling of it, he would see that he wanted the little boy in his life.
Tessa took a steadying breath and clenched and unclenched her hands in her lap. Okay, it was okay. He didn't have to stay single. That wasn't what this was about. It was about her mom, and the fact that she was at her mom's funeral.
It didn't matter how much she tried to convince herself though, she still wanted to have the possibility in her mind that JJ was still an option. She had a small taste of what it would be like to be a family and she suddenly didn’t think it was fair that there was another woman in her spot.
She thrust her jaw to the side and pasted a smile on her face. Even if no one saw it, she could still pretend to be carefree.
Maybe JJ had never cared for her. If he had, would he have been able to replace her like that? Her acknowledged hopes that maybe they could try again disappeared.
Finally, she felt like an adult – one who wasn’t running from the consequences of her mistakes. If she held steady, she could survive the trials. She could do it. She survived having a child on her own and all the fear and insecurities of that.
She could do what she needed to.
JJ was showing her, quite clearly that he had moved on. Come on, he brought his girlfriend or wife or whatever she was to Tessa’s mom's funeral. If that wasn't “moved on” Tessa didn't know what was. He would never be able to forgive her.
All she had to do was get through the funeral. She could do that. It shouldn't be hard right?