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JJ
JJ’s invitation to Nathan and then to Tessa had left him confused and more than a little nervous. She’d never said yes and the application for dad bit had been encouraging and then like a drop kick for trying.
Regardless, JJ followed Tessa and Nathan back to their apartment. He kept fairly close to them and spoke to Nathan at random intervals, but he still felt like a creepy stalker guy.
She had to be aware of what had passed between them at the store. The tingles and excitement were impossible to only be one-sided. Her embarrassment over the husband-position thing was palpable but he’d let it die a natural death. He hadn’t been joking when he said he would like a try for the position – not just the father part, the husband part. He’d like to try to complete what she’d ended before.
JJ suspected Tessa cut the shopping trip short based on how much complaining Nathan kept up about not getting chocolate milk or kiwi which was on his list. He’d brandished a hand drawn list at Tessa and JJ a few times while complaining that the boxes weren’t checked off. JJ tried to stay out of it but he followed along, listening as Nathan whined to his mom.
If JJ had the right, he would tell Nathan to stop bugging his mom and leave her alone. He’d even offer to take Nathan back to the store to get the rest of his list and Tessa’s, but until Tessa acknowledge JJ as Nathan's father and involved him more in Nathan's upbringing, JJ's hands were tied. He refused to undermine Tessa’s role as mom.
Nathan was looking for a father. Did he realize that meant he was looking for a match for Tessa? Someone to love and hold Tessa. Someone to reach after the future with her by his side. Did Nathan understand that? Or was he just looking to find someone that he could connect with and look up to?
Either possibility filled JJ with jealousy. He didn't want anyone else holding Tessa. He didn't want anyone else bonding with Nathan. The more time he spent with them, the more he realized just how much he had missed out on. And then, while he was filled with melancholy for all that was lost, it turned to anger and JJ realized he was just as angry with himself as with Tessa.
At the bar, Tessa turned when they reached the backdoor. Nathan ran up the stairs, most likely anxious to open a new cereal.
Resting her hand on the doorjamb between the outside and inside, Tessa stopped JJ from following them inside. He could push the issue since he co-owned the building, but that wouldn’t get him what he wanted. He stood uncomfortably on the stoop, putting his hands on his hips.
Tessa looked past JJ’s shoulder, flinching when he sighed.
Irritation didn’t sit well with JJ and he didn’t hold things in. Obviously something was bothering Tessa and JJ refused to let her sit on it. “Why are you so mad?” At the moment, he wasn’t sure he cared.
He was mad.
He was hurt.
But he was willing to move on, leave everything in the past.
If Tessa could as well.
If she wanted to.
Until they moved on and chose to try, nothing was ever going to change and they would constantly dwell and get mad at each other, stuck walking on eggshells for the rest of their days.
Tessa set her jaw and growled through her teeth. She looked everywhere, obviously trying to avoid his gaze. After a few minutes, she finally gave in and met him square on. “You can't do that. He's my son. I know he’s yours, too, but you can't talk to him like that. He takes everything seriously. He's been planning on changing his last name to Jackson. Picking up his coloring books and finding his name written as Nathan Jackson instead of Nathan Sinclair is more than shocking. He's seven. I don't even know how he knows how to spell Jackson. Did you tell him? Did you put that in his mind? You made the suggestion and now he won’t drop it.” She shook her head the slightest amount and half-sobbed.
JJ held out his hand and ducked his head to catch her suddenly errant gaze. “Hey, this isn’t bad, okay? All I told him was my last name when he asked. I don’t see the problem. Jackson should be his last name. And you know it. Just like Jackson should be your last name, Tessa. Is that what this is about? Your name marks your territory?”
Her pride. Always her pride. They’d never move on as long as pride worked to block them. He could put his aside, but could she?
She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and staring at him. He could see the defense of madness moving through her mind. She dropped her hand and glared. “You know that's not what this is. It shouldn’t be my name. It shouldn't be his.” Tessa narrowed her eyes. “I feel like you're the one trying to say you own him, like marking him as your son. Is that what you're trying to do? Tell everyone? Have you told your girlfriend? Because she knows. Is she okay with it?” She taunted him with an arched eyebrow.
Whirling inside, Tessa didn’t hide the anger sparkling in her eyes.
JJ reached out and grabbed her arm. He ignored the bittersweet tingle of touching her. Didn’t she see how much he needed her? “You know that's not what this is. I don't need to mark my territory to know what's mine. Nathan is my son. Just like you should have been my wife. You still should be my wife.” His grip loosened, but he didn’t let go. “I’m not with Celeste anymore. She knows. I had to tell her. I can’t be with anyone but you. I need you.” He flexed his jaw, the movement as he clenched his teeth comforting. “I can’t...”
His comment jerked her gaze towards him and she watched him, her shoulders tight. She didn’t walk away though which JJ found encouraging. What would bring her closer to him? What could he say? He would set aside everything to be with her.
“You know you're supposed to be with me, Tessa. I love you. I've always loved you. Give me back what you took. Please.” His voice softened. He moved his thumb back and forth on her arm where he held her. He searched her face, seeking the give he knew was there.
Tears brimmed in her eyes and she murmured, “I can't. My mom...”
JJ pressed closer, he couldn’t back off now. Not yet. “You're not Jillian. I'm not Greg. Your mom and I grew close, she...” How did he tell Tessa that Jillian just wanted her daughter to be happy? He could make Tessa happy, if he had the chance.
She jerked from his hold, blinking back the tears that had been the only evidence of her vulnerability. “You would get sick of me. I only hurt people I love. Look at what happened with my mom! We fought and I never came back. Then she died. She never met Nathan, never. Because of me. I never got to tell her how sorry I was, that I didn’t mean what I said. I did that. I ruined her chances at happiness. You can’t... please, JJ don’t want to be with me. If you have problems remembering that I’m bad for you? Just remember what I took from you.” She threw his words back in his face.
“I remember, that’s why I’m trying to get everything back.” He pulled her close. She would continue to push him away. He couldn’t let her do it again. “Let me decide that.”
She scoffed, rearing back. “So I can deal with the heartbroken child you'll leave behind? No, thanks.” She bit her lip and looked away. Taking a deep breath she nodded, then pierced him with the intensity of her gaze. “I want to close the bar or sell it to you or whatever you want. You can have my half. I’m out.” She yanked away from his grip which he’d loosened in his shock.
Pulling open the bottom door, she ran through then slammed it shut, locking it from the inside.
No matter how hard JJ banged on the door with his flat hand, Tessa never came down.
What had he just lost? It was like he stood at the altar all over again, only this time he could see the child he lost. The future stretched ahead of him filled with loneliness and shame. He’d bared his soul to her, loved her, forgiven her for everything... and she’d quit everything and slammed the door on him.
The town’s luck had obviously run out on love.