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Tessa
Jillian would be proud. Tessa wasn’t letting herself get emotionally attached. She refused to be left bitter and alone like her mother. One lesson she’d learned from Jillian was that she didn’t need anyone to make her happy.
Love wasn’t necessary.
In fact, love was often billed as a burden and a headache more than anything.
After telling JJ she didn’t want the bar anymore and that she needed to get out of Bride, she ran upstairs, holding her hands tight and her expression even tighter. What had she done? A sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach warned her she might have done exactly what she shouldn’t have.
Hadn’t she learned her lesson when she’d left JJ at the altar? Hadn’t she learned what being without him was like?
And dang, if this time she didn’t already know how poorly it would affect their son. Why couldn’t she – just once – set aside her need to be right, her need to keep her head up? Apparently she had to be more stubborn than anything.
Even when JJ swore he still loved her.
A pain in her chest pulled at her to run to him, but she couldn’t. What would she say? Sorry? For what? How did she explain that her fear of being with him stemmed from seeing what her father’s abandonment did to her mother? They’d been in love, too. He’d become trapped and then left. What that had done to Tessa and to her mom had been nearly insurmountable. Tessa had to believe that not knowing her father at all would have been better than watching him walk away.
She’d been there long enough and had enough pent up frustration, she had to do something. Walking outside wasn’t an option with JJ’s potential presence looming. The man had pounded on the door for a while and Tessa had pulled Nathan to the back of the apartment.
To her mom’s room.
“Hey, want to help me go through grandma’s things? I bet she has some treasures.” Tessa tried to make it sound more fun than it would be. Going through her mom’s things just seemed morbid and like an invasion of privacy.
Plus, what was she hoping to find? Letters from her father that her mom had hidden from her? Did she really think he had tried to care? No. She didn’t. She knew he had left and never looked back.
But she could hope something was in Jillian’s room that would give her courage and strength. Immersing herself in her mom’s things would most likely bolster her pride. She needed that more than anything.
Plus... if Tessa really did want to leave, she needed to get the personal effects out of the apartment so JJ could sell it or rent it out. One way or the other, she’d told him she was leaving. So she would leave. She had to.
If she sold her half of the restaurant to JJ and as much as they could of Jillian’s things, Tessa would have enough money to leave Bride and start over somewhere else. She could invest in her own business and have more than the Sinclair name to lean on.
She’d just pushed away the last good reason to be in Bride.
Nathan didn’t say anything as he followed Tessa into the back room, his shoulders slouched forward.
Tessa quirked her eyebrow at him, but he didn’t notice. Disinterestedly he approached the long walnut dresser that wasn’t more than three feet tall but had enough drawers to span the length of one wall. He fiddled with a small fluffy craft ball sitting amidst many other trinkets and stacks of papers.
The day Tessa had left flooded her memory as she looked around her mom’s room at the four-poster bed and the filing cabinet beside it. The closet doors half-open and the laundry basket empty just inside. The carpet was dingy but clean and her mother’s oldest robe hung from a hook to the side of the door.
Jillian’s familiar scent wafted over Tessa and she lifted her hand, placing the back of it against her mouth. She didn’t need to lose it right there in front of Nathan. She was close to an emotional upheaval after just telling JJ she was leaving – again – and not having completely dealt with Jillian’s death.
Would she have a breakdown in front of her son? She couldn’t afford to. He didn’t need that.
“Mom, look! Can I play with it?” Nathan held up an old car with a string attached to it. Tessa didn’t reach for it. She had plenty of memories with the old pull along toy. She’d forgotten all about the play thing her dad had given her when she was barely big enough to walk. She’d played with it long after he left and thought she’d lost it.
Nodding, she swallowed. It was probably for the best that Nathan wasn’t in there helping her organize things. She was too raw emotionally to be worth much with him around as well.
After he jumped up and disappeared to the non-carpeted floor of the kitchen, Tessa looked around. Overwhelmed at the sheer number of things, she shook her head. Where did she start?
A long trunk sat at the end of the bed. The old steamer style was easy to recognize with its curved wooden slats and metal panels. The lock was jammed upward in a permanently open position, offering a handle of sorts.
Avoiding her mother’s closet of clothes and the file cabinet which was probably filled with more bills than Tessa wanted to confront, Tessa crouched in front of the trunk. She placed her hands on the cool metal of the lock and lifted gently.
The lid opened without much effort or noise. Shaking off the strange sensation that she was prying into her mom’s private matters, Tessa rolled her shoulders. Peeking inside, Tessa lifted herself up on her knees so she could reach in better. The contents were neatly arranged in small stacks and tucked into the corners and against the sides to fit better.
Memory books, photo albums, and small jewelry boxes lined the bottom of the trunk. Black covers with dates and events declared which albums belonged to when. Tessa didn’t feel like looking at pictures. She’d already seen more of her mother in that box than she could handle without more guilt crushing her.
The albums were a surprise and more of a draw then Tessa thought possible. She couldn’t help herself as she reached in anyway and pulled one out. Flipping the pages, she smiled at the different ages her mom had captured on film.
She was suddenly caught up in the addicting time warp of memories. Flipping through book after book, she sniffed at the moments she’d forgotten about.
What was wrong with her? She’d always complained about it just being her mom and her, but looking back she couldn’t remember ever feeling like she was without. Her mom had gone above and beyond to make sure she had enough – food, clothing, toys, and love.
Tessa had never lacked in the love department.
The last album was the smallest and it was tucked on end closest to the front of the trunk. Tessa picked it up to pull onto her lap. A folded piece of paper fell from its pages to the ground by Tessa’s knee.
Curious and more than a little apprehensive, Tessa sank to her rear end and cautiously pinched her fingers onto the corner of the paper. Opening it gingerly, Tessa blinked at the small handwriting she recognized of her mother’s.
She recognized her own name at the top and she pressed her palm over her mouth as she read.
Dear Tessa,
We’ve both said some things in the past. I know I said a lot more than I should have. I know we didn't mean how we said anything to each other that day. I can’t even remember half of what you said, but I remember every syllable I said and the words still hurt.
It's been so long since you left. I wonder if you’ll ever come back.
Most likely, though, if you’re reading this, I’m gone. Hopefully, you’re reading this because I died very old and you came back soon after I wrote this. If my prayers are answered, you came back and lived with me for a while. I got to see my grandchild and we were happy again. Hopefully, I died in my sleep and the only reason you’re reading this is because I forgot to throw it in the garbage after you came back.
I hope.
Regardless, I can’t call you up and tell you I've been having heart problems. The quack doctor over in Meridiville says it's inevitable that I'll have another heart attack. The last one was small. No one even knew about it. But he said my next one could drop me.
He’s a Doc in a Box though, so I’m not sure how much I believe of what he’s saying. I must believe enough though to get wrapped up in melancholy and alcohol to write you this.
He didn’t even say when or if it will certainly happen. Either way, I hope you get home before it does. I want to meet my grandchild. I want to hug my daughter.
If you don't make it back before I go, just know you're forgiven. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you did. When Greg abandoned us, I didn’t believe in love for the longest time. I met someone, much like I believe Ellora did, but I wasn’t open. I turned him away when I realized I was falling for him. I didn’t want to be vulnerable like that again.
Living with that regret is one of the worst pains of my life.
I hope you forgive me. I’m sorry, if I ever made you feel like what you want didn’t matter. I’m sorry I argued with you about keeping the baby and getting married. I wasn’t right. I was wrong. Do you hear that? I’m wrong. It’s not something I admit to often.
Tessa, my girl, don't be like me. Don't let your pride hold you back from happiness. Jeremiah is a good man. I should not have pushed you from him.
Love is the greatest thing that you can ever have in your life. You were in love before you got married. You would've stayed in love after.
I got married because I had to. Getting pregnant was an accident that we had to fix back then with marriage. It just wasn’t the acceptable thing to be pregnant and unwed.
But let me be very clear. You were never the accident. You were the only good thing that came out of that fiasco with my husband.
I'm sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry for everything.
Please, come home.
Little girl, don't be me...
Be mushy. Jeremiah loves you. Don't let pride ruin your life, like I did mine.
I love you, sweet girl.
Mom
Tears streamed down Tessa's face. She lowered the letter to her lap.
What had she done? What had her pride allowed her to be a part of? She’d wallowed in her “rightness” for so long, she’d missed out on everything she needed.
Her mom loved her.
And Tessa had left her mom. The last seven years were wasted and Tessa was stupid to stay away. How much had they both missed out on?
Because of Tessa’s pride.
What was she going to miss out on, if she didn’t put her pride aside and meet Jeremiah at least half-way? She’d already taken so much from all of them by leaving and not facing what she needed to.
Could she put her pride aside and beg Jeremiah to give her another chance? Even when she didn’t deserve it?
She couldn't leave. There was too much history there. She couldn't take Nathan away from JJ. She couldn’t leave her mom’s restaurant. She had to make a go of it.
Tessa had to stop waffling. She had to make a decision and stick with it. She glanced toward the doorway. Noises of Nathan pulling the toy across the floor and his laughter cemented her decision. She had to be a better person. She had to dump her pride and seek happiness.
What if JJ didn’t want her anymore? What if she’d run too many times? What if it was too late?
She rushed from the room, clutching the letter in her hand. Passing Nathan in the kitchen, she grabbed her shoes.
Startled, Nathan put the toy down and watched her quizzically.
“Come on, Nathan. Let's go.” Tessa pulled on one of her shoes, sitting on the couch to make it easier. She glanced at him still standing there, watching her. “Grab your shoes, come on!”
“Where are we going?” He slowly did as she said and put his shoes on at the top of the stairs.
“We're going to get you a dad.” His real dad. Tessa didn’t know how but she’d make sure their family was a functioning one, if not a joined one. She’d do whatever it took to get JJ to give her a fiftieth chance. If he didn’t want her, she’d take it as long as he wanted Nathan.
She smiled as Nathan raised his fist into the air and pumped it up and down. Securing her car keys in her grasp, she jingled them at her side as they all but skipped down the stairs.
Would she find him? Had she lost everything?
She held her breath as she refolded the letter up and tucked it in her back jeans pocket. She’d try to keep her mom’s letter as good luck close to her.
Tessa needed all the help she could get.