To my brother Patrick
Plea Bargains was produced at La Tea Theater on November 23, 1994.
| Professor Euclid Von Bootum | Billy Lux |
| Woodrow | Caliph Haines |
| Isadora Von Bootum | Stephanie Tashman |
| Officer Miles Gallo | Joe Wyka |
| Director | Thomas Morrisey |
| Sound and Music Designer | Brad Kaus |
| Stage Manager | David Oreklin |
| Carpenter | Michael Granville |
| Light Designer | Jen Primosch |
The playwright would like to gratefully acknowledge that lines of poems by Ginsberg, O’Hara, Di Prima, Ferlinghetti, Kerouac, Oppenheimer, Levendosky, Creeley, Waldman, Levertov, and Sirowitz are used.
Production note: The style of this play—with the disintegrating character of Von Bootum who suffers a split personality, the Frankenstein experiment performed on Woodrow, and the avenging ghost of Isadora—should be a bit campy, perhaps in the tradition of a low-budget horror film. Isadora is a ghost through most of the play and should look the part; in the recurrent subway sequence she is forced to relive her death over and over. Although she sometimes alters the words, she is stuck in performing the same doomed actions. A low-level crackling sound might be employed when she uses her electrostatic powers. Her passage into heaven at the end can be done with a piece of bloody fabric from her dress attached to a simple pulley that is lifted over the audience’s heads.
| ACT ONE | ||||
| Scene One | Von Bootum’s living room | |||
| Scene Two | Subway station | |||
| Scene Three | Von Bootum’s living room | |||
| Scene Four | Subway station | |||
| Scene Five | Von Bootum’s living room | |||
ACT TWO |
||||
| Scene One | Von Bootum’s living room | |||
| Scene Two | Subway station | |||
| Scene Three | Laboratory in the basement | |||
| Scene Four | Subway station | |||
| Scene Five | Laboratory in the basement | |||
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
Darkness, then a strobe of light. The sound of a subway passing is accompanied by a gunshot. Isadora screams and footsteps are heard running away. Lights rise on a ghost lifting out of Isadora’s dead form. Then fade to black. Lights rise again to a simple unlit living room, with chairs, a table, and a wheelchair. The only unusual object is the Polk tank. This is a small structure with a door. The interior looks like a space-age microwave. It should be able to hold two people and is controlled by a computer. Professor Von Bootum enters, wearing a false mustache and glasses. He is carrying an unconscious man over his shoulder—Woodrow. He walks over to an awaiting wheelchair and lowers the man onto it. A beanie drops from Woodrow’s pocket onto the floor. Von Bootum locates a pair of handcuffs and locks Woodrow’s hands to the wheelchair’s armrest. On a counter is a prep kit containing some chemical vials, a container of grain alcohol, a syringe, a bottle of formaldehyde, and cotton gauze. Von Bootum proceeds to inject the man in a variety of places. When he finally jabs a hypodermic into the man’s jugular, Woodrow starts awakening.
WOODROW Don’t shove, I’z getting off the train.
VON BOOTUM (With a slight German accent) No, Woodrow, you just relax. We haven’t quite arrived yet. (Takes the syringe out of Woodrow’s neck)
WOODROW (Struggles with the cuffs until he realizes his hands are secured) What the fuck’s this? HELP! HELP!
VON BOOTUM (Places cotton gauze over Woodrow’s face, talks at a slow two-beat) Inhale, exhale—nice, and—slow—we hope—you like—our show. (Removes gauze when Woodrow’s semi-sedated)
WOODROW (Groggily) What are you, one them sick psycho sadists?
VON BOOTUM I just wanted to have a pleasant talk.
WOODROW So did Dahmer. You want to chop me up and fuck me.
VON BOOTUM I beg your pardon!
WOODROW Chop and fuck. Chop and fuck. Let me go!
VON BOOTUM Admittedly I have no social life, but I have no libidinous desires either.
WOODROW No what?
VON BOOTUM May I chat with you?
WOODROW Say what?
VON BOOTUM May I talk to you?
WOODROW (Trying to calm down and gain control of the situation) Talk? Sure, okay, bud.
VON BOOTUM Bud, yes, buddy. Yes. We’re buddies, that’s good.
WOODROW Sure, it’s good. We’re good buddies, man. So let’s get down, rap.
VON BOOTUM This is good because I am not from here. My accent betrays me, I’m sure.
WOODROW I wouldn’t betray you, man.
VON BOOTUM No, I know you wouldn’t. I’m just saying I am from elsewhere. I have not had a buddy since before the war. I miss having a buddy.
WOODROW But there are two kinds of buddies, you know. Your buttdy and you wine-drinking buddy, you see what I’m saying?
VON BOOTUM Exactly, a wine buddy. I believe you are my Rhinewine buddy. (He laughs aloud, Woodrow joins in laughing) We are having a good time, no?
WOODROW Oh yeah, this is where it’s happening. But buddy, what’s this here? (Rattles his chains)
VON BOOTUM Oh my, you’re right! Buddies don’t treat buddies like this. Let me unlatch your cuffs, buddy.
Von Bootum uncuffs Woodrow, who lunges at Von Bootum but falls to the ground in a heap. Von Bootum helps him back into his wheelchair and recuffs his hands.
VON BOOTUM I injected high-potency relaxants in all your limb muscles. But as much as they might awaken, I think I’ll take the precaution of the restraints.
WOODROW So fucking kill me, you fat fag. That’s what you’re going to do, so fucking do it!
VON BOOTUM Hush now, my buddy.
WOODROW Kill me, you fat-ass fuck in tight-ass slacks.
VON BOOTUM Silence! Dunkopf! I’ve observed the Geneva conventions, I am not hurting you. I’m not wearing slacks and my gluteus maximus isn’t—
WOODROW KILL ME, YOU COCKSUCKER! JUST KILL ME!
VON BOOTUM Okay! I’ll kill you. (Fills the hypodermic needle, holds it up, pushes the syringe until the bubbles are out, then takes out a Sony Walkman and puts headphones on Woodrow)
WOODROW (Groggily) What are you doing? Will you just do it and quit fucking with me?
VON BOOTUM Fine. (Injects him) Your awful little life is kaput.
WOODROW I’m really—dying?
VON BOOTUM Not only are you dying, but for all intents and purposes, you are dead. Now will you please relax? (Locates a medical bag behind the counter)
WOODROW Dead?
VON BOOTUM Just an hour ago you were peddling rubbish on Second Avenue, trying to sell me a broken VCR.
WOODROW (Groggily) It weren’t broke! If that was what all this is about, you should’a tested it before killing me, man. All you had to do was just plug it in.
VON BOOTUM Yes, well, that wasn’t the garbage I bargained on. I bargained on you, my Rhine-wine buddy.
Von Bootum opens a medical bag and spreads out surgical equipment. He pulls on surgical gloves and mask, turns on a bright lamp and a small drill. He operates on Woodrow’s brain while talking. Occasionally he holds up blood-covered props, like bone shards, liver, and bloody gauze. From time to time he throws down scalpels and picks up other surgical tools.
WOODROW (Barely conscious) Wait a sec! If I’m dead, what are you doing to me?
VON BOOTUM A procedure called the Von Bootum—Polk. There are no sensory nerves on the surface of the brain, and you have local anesthesia along the temple where I’m making my present incision.
WOODROW I don’t want my round bottom poked.
VON BOOTUM Von Bootum—Polk. It will make your mind more limber. Calm your anxieties. Permit greater focus.
WOODROW What is this guy howling about in my ear? (Tries shaking off the headphones, but a piece of his brain falls out)
VON BOOTUM Be still!
WOODROW Sounds like Ed Koch on an acid trip.
VON BOOTUM Much like yourself, the brain is a great garbage collector. Every little thing you hear piles up. (Holding a vial) This miracle drug refunds all those little beer cans from the shopping cart of your subconscious.
WOODROW (Panting desperately, trying to stay awake) What are you saying? I won’t remember my friends or nothing?
VON BOOTUM (Disapprovingly) They must share in the fault of your existence. As they are learning in L.A., one shouldn’t build on a fault line. (Grabs a large needle and thread) I’m closing the incision now.
WOODROW (Drifting in and out of a dream state) Joey, help! This guy’s fucking with my cauliflower—
VON BOOTUM (Takes the syringe out, ready to inject) We’ll blot that Joe right out of your head with the serum that makes it all possible, the Recallol, which I discovered and refined.
A ghost, Isadora, materializes wearing the bloody garment she was killed in. A bullet hole is visible on the front of her blood-dried dress. No one can see or hear her except Woodrow, who is terrified.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Replying to Von Bootum’s remark) Bullshit! You lying bastard.
WOODROW (Horrified) Oh shit!
Isadora’s ghost points her hand at Von Bootum and we hear static electricity. He suddenly grabs his crotch.
VON BOOTUM Ow! I never felt static electricity in this room before.
(Suspicious about the rug)
WOODROW (Utterly terrified) Yo, Jack, you got a roommate? A dead roommate?
VON BOOTUM Uh oh! Woodrow, I gave you a drug with hallucinogenic properties. Now just the other day you saw a violent film.
WOODROW I saw a film?
VON BOOTUM You saw a rather intense double feature. No Good 2 No 1 and Dun’a Completely Foolish Thing. So if you are seeing anything disagreeable—
ISADORA’S GHOST Remember me? Isadora, that wicked witch of the F?
WOODROW (To Von Bootum) She says her name is Isadora.
VON BOOTUM (To himself) How did he know her name? He must have seen it on a wall diploma.
ISADORA’S GHOST What the hell?
VON BOOTUM (Taking Woodrow’s headphones off) Okay, tape is over. Before I blot you out in the Polk tank, I want you to focus on this tape you heard. Now be kind, rewind, and replay what you heard.
WOODROW (Recites it at high-speed, the way he heard it) I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets—
VON BOOTUM (Insanely dancing around) Yes! It works! The monster recites poetry!
DETECTIVE GALLO (Offstage, knocking and pounding) Open up!
ISADORA’S GHOST (Yelling) It’s the cops! Nail his ass!
VON BOOTUM Oh shit! One second. (Jumps up and wheels Woodrow back into the closest while whispering) Shut up!
ISADORA’S GHOST Keep reciting or I’ll cook your balls like hardboiled eggs! (In terror, Woodrow keeps reciting the poem)
VON BOOTUM (Whispering) Shut up! Damn you.
WOODROW (Offstage)—at dawn looking for an angry fix, angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo—
VON BOOTUM (Knocking intensifies) Who is it? I have inalienable rights!
GALLO Dominos Pizza.
VON BOOTUM (Opens the door) I didn’t order Vomitos Pizza.
GALLO Dominos. (He enters) We no longer give the pizza free if we get it to your door past twenty minutes, but I still tried to get here quickly. (Faintly hears Woodrow reciting the poem) Do you hear that? (Von Bootum shakes his head no)
ISADORA’S GHOST Of course he hears it, you dumb fuck. (Screams to Woodrow) Louder in there! (We hear Woodrow mumbling louder)
VON BOOTUM (Tranquilly) Oh! That’s my tape machine. I put poetry on before I take my afternoon nap, and like ether it rises into the sinuses of my subconscious.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’ll rattle your fucking sinuses! (Exits)
GALLO (Shows a receipt) The pizza is $12.75.
VON BOOTUM I didn’t order any such pizza. (Woodrow’s recital intensifies until he starts howling)
GALLO You want to turn it off?
VON BOOTUM It’s the only thing that you’re going to get from me. I didn’t order your incredibly fast food which has ruined the fighting spirit of your country.
GALLO Is your number (Checks the receipt) 555-7463?
VON BOOTUM No, that’s the number for information, you idiot. Aren’t you a little old to be a pizza delivery boy?
GALLO Here in the East Village people aren’t afraid to grow old in their menial jobs—
VON BOOTUM I see they also have no fear of growing tedious and wasting other people’s time.
GALLO Shit, your tape machine sounds like it’s in misery, man.
VON BOOTUM All right, I’ll purchase that inedible disc of dough if you just leave. (Takes out his wallet and finds he doesn’t have any money with him) Damn!
Von Bootum exits. Gallo scouts around, picking Woodrow’s beanie off the floor, and he notices the cotton swabs. Von Bootum returns just as Gallo finds the hypodermic.
VON BOOTUM I shouldn’t leave that out. (Takes it from Gallo) My wife and I are—we’re both very important scientists. She had a laboratory in the basement.
GALLO Maybe your wife ordered the pizza?
VON BOOTUM She’s away. Here’s your extortion money, with no tip to insure that you’ll never return.
GALLO Maybe she ordered it from somewhere else.
VON BOOTUM She vanished in the snow last February.
GALLO What are you saying?
VON BOOTUM She didn’t survive the past winter. Now outz!
GALLO That’s cold-blooded, man, making jokes about your dead wife. (Turns to go)
VON BOOTUM (Dramatically grabs his forehead) You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still in the denial stage. I’m one of those people who down bitter pills and fart the woes away.
GALLO Well, then that pizza should help you. (Turns to go) Remember, if you don’t want to put on your clothes, call us at Dominos.
VON BOOTUM I hope you people drop like dominos. (Closes the door on Gallo, glances at a photo of his wife as her ghost reenters) Poor Hynie Mama.
ISADORA’S GHOST Quit calling me that!
VON BOOTUM (Holds up the photograph) I did love you—in a pendular, irrational, eleemosynary, torpid sort of way.
ISADORA’S GHOST Same to you, shithead. (Von Bootum exits and returns, wheeling out Woodrow, who is still reciting “Howl”)
WOODROW (At the top of his lungs)—Carl Solomon! I’m with you in Rockland (Howls like a dog) where you’re madder than I am (Howls), I’m with you in Rockland (Howls) where you must feel very strange—(Howls)
VON BOOTUM Stop that infernal howling before I have to put you to sleep!
ISADORA’S GHOST Shut up! (Woodrow stops)
VON BOOTUM Now, before I blot that little piece of bubble gum in your skull, do you still see a certain blood-soaked fishwife?
ISADORA’S GHOST Tell him you see that Leona’s healthy, swine.
WOODROW (Terrified, confused) I see Leona Helmsley fine.
VON BOOTUM What is this you’re saying?
ISADORA’S GHOST No, Leona, my snake!
WOODROW Leona Helmsley’s a snake.
ISADORA’S GHOST Howl for that pizza boy again. HOWL! (Woodrow howls in fear)
VON BOOTUM What is this, an outbreak of lycanthropy? We’ll have to start you from scratch, tabula rasa. Do you like poetry? It’s the styrofoam peanuts of memory stuffers. (Types into the computer, then fastens suction cups onto Woodrow’s forehead) Seventy-two hours of babbling Beats right up to the Nuyorican pottery-wheel poetry. That should do the trick. In you go! (Slides Woodrow back into the Polk tank) Still, in order to successfully complete the experiment, we must find another guinea pig to help you develop a conscience. But who?
Fade to black.
SCENE 2
It is dark and silent. We hear a train, as if in the distance. It grows louder until it sounds as if it is rushing into a station. Lights come up on a littered subway station, with graffiti-profaned billboards and a Second Avenue station sign. Although Isadora’s voice is heard first, Von Bootum dashes onto the platform hoping to catch the train.
ISADORA (Offstage) Come back here when I’m screaming at you, you Kraut clown!
VON BOOTUM (Hyperventilating) There’s always a train on the opposite track.
ISADORA (Ignores him and pulls her coat tighter) We’re in a filthy fucking subway station in a fucking ghetto! You miserable cheapskate bastard.
VON BOOTUM You saw me, Hynie Mama, trying to Sieg Heil that infernal taxi cab. (Having trouble breathing)
ISADORA (Swatting him with each word) You fat, fag, fuck, failure! Your life is a big pile of stinking shit. And the only reason you married me is to turn my life into stinking shit too.
VON BOOTUM Please, all I need is a human subject to show that my experiment is both successful and—
ISADORA (Looking down the subway tunnel) Somebody ought to do an experiment on you, you horn-hatted fart-machine.
VON BOOTUM (Holding his forehead painfully and looking into the tunnel) Is that a train’s headlights?
ISADORA It’s two thirty-watt lightbulbs wondering the same thing I am: How did I get screwed here? You shit.
VON BOOTUM (Puts his hand over his heart and breathes steadily, then slowly squats until he is sitting on the ground) Please, Hynie Mama, I’m having intensifying palpitations in my xiphoid process!
ISADORA Good. Maybe you’ll die before Simon Wiesenthal catches you! Vile Visigothic vomit!
VON BOOTUM (Sitting on the ground, struggling to breathe) At least I tried—what’s your excuse? You were supposed to invent the great crime serum, the pharmaceutical approach. The only breakthroughs you’ve had were through your waistlines, whereas I just have one final push to go.
ISADORA I’d like to give you a final push.
VON BOOTUM (Notices something offstage; nervously, laboriously, he rises, still holding his chest.) Hynie Mama, Hynie Mama—
ISADORA Will you quit calling me that, you anal Oedipal asshole?
VON BOOTUM But I have something important to tell you—
ISADORA Fuck off, I’m fantasizing about a real man. Someone with a ticklish chest whose spout isn’t tucked away under a beerkeg of a belly.
VON BOOTUM I think there’s someone behind the pillar.
ISADORA Pissing probably. (Curious) Where?
VON BOOTUM (Points offstage) There, by the—(Suddenly his voice booms loudly) By the way, did you pack all those Deutsche Marks neatly in your purse?
ISADORA What?
VON BOOTUM (Covers his mouth in surprise and questions) Did I say that? (Strangely loud again) All that money in your purse is going to fall out. (Loud) Hundreds of Deutsche Marks!
ISADORA With you as the breadwinner, this purse is costume jewelry.
VON BOOTUM Come on, this way. (He grabs her and they exit, but we can still hear them talking while offstage)
ISADORA Hey, Octoberfest’s over! Where are you taking me?
VON BOOTUM Just move it! Shit, the exit’s locked.
Woodrow enters, stage right. He follows behind them and exits stage left, where he grabs Isadora’s purse offstage.
ISADORA My purse!
Woodrow tries to run with it, but Isadora holds on and Woodrow drags her back onto the stage.
ISADORA EUCLID, HELP!
VON BOOTUM (Offstage) My Angina!
ISADORA (Fighting for the purse) HELP! Euclid! Help!
VON BOOTUM (Enters, moving around to the side of Woodrow where Isadora can’t see him, speaking in a loud demonic tone) Give him the purse! He’s got a gun! (Von Bootum pulls out a gun)
WOODROW No I don’t! (Woodrow holds up his hands when he sees Von Bootum’s pistol)
VON BOOTUM (Shoves his gun into Woodrow’s pocket so Isadora doesn’t see it, speaking in a diabolic whisper) Take mine!
WOODROW (Pulls out the handgun) Give me that fucking bag.
ISADORA You human garbage. Euclid! (She hits Woodrow)
VON BOOTUM (Holding his chest, terrified) That’s my gun! Oh God! Don’t shoot, please. I’ll give you all the money in the world.
(Back in demonic voice) If you kill her!
WOODROW What?!
ISADORA HELP! Token booth clerk! Fellow New Yorkers! Wait a second, all this already happened. (She slaps the gun out of Woodrow’s hand) Oh my God! I can’t believe I did that. (Realizes she can’t release her purse) Just take the fucking bag. Pull it out of my fucking hand!
VON BOOTUM (Grabs a stick on the ground) I’ll hit you, so help me!
(Woodrow recovers the pistol)
ISADORA Just take the purse and go!
VON BOOTUM (In a diabolic tone to himself) I’m doing this for you, bud. (Hits himself over the head and falls unconscious)
ISADORA (Still fighting with Woodrow, but speaking calmly) Did what for who? Did you see what just happened? (Digs her nails into Woodrow’s face) A gunshot blast sounds, Isadora falls. Fade to black.
SCENE 3
It is a few days later. Von Bootum pulls Woodrow out of the Polk tank. He is still bound in his wheelchair. He uncuffs Woodrow’s restraints and helps him up. Looking blankly, Woodrow sits up and coughs.
VON BOOTUM So how are we today, my wine buddy?
WOODROW (Slowly and deeply introspective) The hollow eyes of shock remain. (Pauses) Electric sockets burnt out in the skull.
VON BOOTUM You’re not angry with me, are you, Woody?
WOODROW (Suspicious, accusatory) We are tired of your dreary tourist ideas of our negro selves.
VON BOOTUM Do you remember anything before the poetry submersion?
(Pauses) Anything about a certain female?
WOODROW (Tactfully)—The young man asked plaintively whether Lenin had ever wondered about the cup sizes of fellow revolutionaries.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Suddenly appears) Oh, kiss my ass!
WOODROW (Scared) Kiss the ass of the devil and eat shit! Fuck his horny barbed cock.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Infuriated) I’m going to fucking fling you out the window!
WOODROW (More frantically) Flung me across the room, and room after room, hitting the walls rebounding—
VON BOOTUM Relax, Woody. You don’t remember about any woman, do you?
WOODROW (Regains control) The female is ductile and, stroke after stroke, built for masochistic calm.
ISADORA’S GHOST Keep it up and you’ll learn masochistic calm, prick.
WOODROW (Frantically) She in whose lipservice I passed my time, whose name I knew, but not her face.
ISADORA’S GHOST You can’t talk outside of that poetry shit, can you? (Woodrow shakes his head no)
VON BOOTUM (Takes out a small pocket light and looks into Woodrow’s pupils) Poor boy, I’m afraid that some of those drugs I gave you are hallucinogenic.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m reduced to an acid trip. (She sits)
WOODROW Lady, do not banish me for digressions. My nature is a quagmire of unresolved confessions.
ISADORA’S GHOST If only you knew. (Sighs) I’m never going to get justice.
VON BOOTUM (Reading from the computer) Let’s see, now that we have completely blotted out your former identity, the real work begins. What character-matrix shall we fill you with?
GALLO (Kicking open the door with his gun drawn) Freeze! Goddamn it!
ISADORA’S GHOST Got you, you bastard.
VON BOOTUM All right! (Slowly open his wallet) I’ll tip you, pizza boy.
GALLO (Shows his badge) Detective Gallo, Ninth Precinct, Homicide. I know all about your wife.
VON BOOTUM She was killed two weeks ago.
GALLO That doesn’t excuse this. (To Woodrow) You okay, partner?
WOODROW May I go now? Am I allowed to bow myself down in the ridiculous posture of renewal—
GALLO Knock yourself out.
VON BOOTUM Forget him.
GALLO You shut up! In the corner. (To Woodrow) You tell me what happened here.
WOODROW I—I—saw—(Frustrated, unable to speak)
GALLO Tell me?
WOODROW I saw the—
GALLO What’d you see?
WOODROW The best minds of my generation—
VON BOOTUM Officer, you don’t understand—
GALLO SHUT UP! (To Woodrow) What happened to these minds? What’d he do?
WOODROW (Sadly) Destroyed—
GALLO Did you murder your wife?!
WOODROW (Slowly and distinctly) By madness—starving—hysterical—naked—
GALLO You’re worse than that nut on 9th and C who cooked his roommate.
VON BOOTUM It’s a poem. He speaks the language of post-modernist poets. It’s the first part of an experiment. And it’s a success.
GALLO Success?! He sounds like a freakin tax form.
VON BOOTUM He’ll die unless I prepare him for the second stage, his character-matrix experiment.
GALLO Don’t touch him. (Stares into Woodrow’s eyes) What the hell did you do to him?
VON BOOTUM He would score astronomically on any IQ test.
WOODROW It takes a fast car lady to lead a double life.
GALLO Sounds like good advice. The DA would have a field day cross-examining your IQ genius.
VON BOOTUM Officer, he was a vagrant without skills, without any hope of ever becoming a contributing member to our great society. Now you be the decider of truths here. I haven’t hurt a hair on his head and have only helped him.
GALLO (Looks closely) There’s a hole in his head!
VON BOOTUM That is not a hole, it’s an aperture.
GALLO It’s a fucking hole!
VON BOOTUM All right. But it’s a very small hole. It’s where I put the Recallol.
GALLO You can’t just grab the homeless and change them.
VON BOOTUM The great judicial theorist Strippelgram once said, “To genuinely improve the abject human condition must involve cruel, irreversible change.”
GALLO You have no authority, we have a legal system.
VON BOOTUM Let me tell you about your system. We pay $20 billion a year, that’s $125 a day per prisoner, 62% of which return to prison in three years.
GALLO You have a right to remain silent. In fact, I’d prefer if you’d remain silent. Where’s the phone?
VON BOOTUM Officer, you arrest me and all the work I’ve done will be undone. He’ll be free to kill again.
GALLO Not likely, if he didn’t kill before. (On the phone) Put me through to Wojahowitz.
VON BOOTUM Oh, but he did.
GALLO (On hold) He did what?
VON BOOTUM This is the man who killed my wife and knocked me unconscious two weeks ago.
ISADORA’S GHOST Justice served! I’m out of here.
GALLO (Hangs up the phone) The crime report said you couldn’t make an ID. You got proof this is the guy?
VON BOOTUM He told me exactly where in the East River he disposed of the murder weapon.
GALLO That’d do it.
VON BOOTUM He said he stole the gun from a dealer in his building on 7th Street where he purchases the notorious crackcocaine.
GALLO How did you find him?
VON BOOTUM I recognized him immediately as one of the regulars who sell refuse on the sidewalk near Astor Place.
GALLO Why didn’t you have him arrested?!
VON BOOTUM Crime is a disease. As a doctor of criminal behavior, I refuse to join with the medieval approach of incarcerating these mentally ill. I really think I can cure this man if you just let me. And I believe the fact that he killed my wife—the vaccine to all my wants, the antidote to all my desire—(Sniffles) entitles me to some say in this matter.
ISADORA’S GHOST This sauerkraut’s turned me into a guinea pig acquisition form!
GALLO I don’t see evidence of rehabilitation. In fact, I’ve heard livelier car horns in Bensonhurst than this man.
VON BOOTUM I’m not just drilling holes in skulls. I have spent the past twenty years developing a three-part program that destroys recalcitrant behavior, imposes an iconographic character-matrix, and then educates that matrix. With time, the former identity breaks through. The result is the same person with an advanced education—a human being with a purpose.
WOODROW (Watching Von Bootum) Lonely men stand in lines at the candy counter of the porno flick. Their pale crumpled popcorn bags heavy with sperm.
GALLO Yuk! That’s some contribution to society.
VON BOOTUM This is the blotting stage. After it’s done, a charactercomposite is constructed. Then he gets educated. In a week he’ll have a high school education. In four weeks he’ll have a college education.
WOODROW (Slowly, sensitively) Am I the person I did not want to be? That talks-to-himself person? Am I the loony man? In the great serenade of things—
GALLO (To Woodrow) ’Fraid so. (To Von Bootum) All right, this guy’s obviously a throwaway.
ISADORA’S GHOST A throwaway? What the hell kind of cop are you? (Exits)
VON BOOTUM I salute you, sir. In this vile age of politically correct cowardism, of multicultural snivelling, all diluting or denigrating the intellectual genetic purity, you stand tall.
GALLO You got one week to show me that you have created a human being who can “contribute to society,” and in return I’ll see that you don’t get booked. But you hurt another hair on his pin-sized scalp and I’ll put an aperture in your head.
WOODROW How much longer will I be able to inhabit the divine sepulchre of life, my great love? Do dolphins plunge bottomward to find the light?
GALLO I don’t know, but I do know that I have to deal with drug dealers, murderers, scum of the earth. And none of them make my skin crawl worse than poets. I mean, I’m a writer myself, you know, but these guys don’t know when to quit.
VON BOOTUM I see your point, detective, I can mix any charactermatrix.
GALLO Don’t Dan Quayle him, but look to the good old days when folks were gentler, things were kinder.
VON BOOTUM Yeah, yeah, I see what you’re saying. (As Gallo turns to go, Von Bootum injects him in the neck) I can’t have him ready in a week. But I can have you ready before anyone notices you missing.
GALLO Why did you do that? (Instantly becomes weak, Von Bootum helps him into the same wheelchair that Woodrow was in) Boy am I tired.
VON BOOTUM There is one vital part of the experiment I failed to mention. For this I will need your civil services for just a few days.
GALLO (Giggling) Shoot or I’ll halt. I mean—
VON BOOTUM I will halt all this out of your mind. And you will shoot your sense of humanity unto him. So we’re off to see the wizard—
GALLO The wonderful wizard of ours … (Sings to sleep)
VON BOOTUM (Typing at the computer) Let’s look into America’s past for an affable character-type for you, Woody. From tabula rasa to—Rastus! That will be your trigger-name, before I pull the trigger on you.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Rematerializes) Pull the trigger?
WOODROW Pull my daisy, tip my cup. Cut my thoughts for coconuts—
VON BOOTUM Although young Woodrow’s operation will be successful, the patient, as the old adage goes, shall die. We can’t let poor Hynie Mama’s death go unavenged.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Looking at Woodrow) This is too pathetic. I don’t know which of you I feel worse for. (Exits)
VON BOOTUM (Adding diabolically) Even if she did deserve it.
(Sinister laughter as lights fade to black)
SCENE 4
It is dark and silent. In the distance we hear a train again. It grows louder until it sounds as if it is rushing across the front of the theater. A blast of wind and a strobe of light might suggest its crossing. We are back on the same subway platform as in Scene One. Isadora should behave comically. All the others should ignore her, as they are still stuck in their original roles and attitudes. The scene begins in mid-action.
VON BOOTUM (His voice is still diabolic) By the way, did you pack all those Deutsche Marks neatly in your purse?
ISADORA With you as the breadwinner—(Realizes she is reliving her death) Uh oh. Here we are again. (Sees Woodrow) Knock knock, who’s there? Come. Come where?
VON BOOTUM Come on, this way. (Points in the distance, they exit stage left)
ISADORA It’s like sex, the guy ignores you and you’re left to deal with your own climax. (To Von Bootum) Ten to one, the exit’s locked.
VON BOOTUM Shit, the exit’s locked!
Woodrow enters stage right. He walks nervously behind them and also exits stage left, where he grabs Isadora’s purse.
ISADORA (Offstage) I was expecting you, stranger. (Woodrow tries to run with Isadora’s handbag, but she holds on and is pulled back onto the stage) Hey, Euclid, what do you have that rhymes with a woman’s genitalia?
VON BOOTUM My Angina!
ISADORA (Fighting for the purse) No, I insist, you take it. You take it!
VON BOOTUM (Still offstage) He bit the bait. Give him the purse, he’s got a gun! (Pulls out his gun)
WOODROW No I don’t. (Holds up his hands seeing the pistol; Von Bootum shoves his gun into Woodrow’s pocket)
ISADORA Wow! I knew I recognized that gun.
WOODROW (Pulls the pistol out of his pocket and points it in Isadora’s face) Give me the fucking bag!
ISADORA Take it! (She involuntarily slaps Woodrow across the face) This is a splendid opportunity to show you’re more forgiving than I.
VON BOOTUM That’s my gun! Oh God. Don’t shoot, please. I’ll give you all the money in the world. (In a different voice) If you kill her!
WOODROW What?!
ISADORA No! What’s on first. (Slaps the gun out of Woodrow’s hand) Who’s on second, and this is the third time I’ve been killed. Take it way, Euclid!
VON BOOTUM (Grabs a stick off the ground) I’ll hit you, so help me!
ISADORA (Before Woodrow has retrieved the pistol) Nice knowing you. Don’t forget to feed the snake.
VON BOOTUM (In a diabolic tone) I’m doing this for you, bud. (Hits himself over the head and falls unconscious)
ISADORA That bud’s for you. Hey, you’ve got a pimple on your face, mind if I pick it?
Isadora unwillingly digs her fingernails into Woodrow’s face, and just before she rips them down, Woodrow shoots her. She screams and falls, still holding the purse.
ISADORA Another bad fucking joke!
Isadora dies, blackout.
SCENE 5
Back in the living room. Woodrow’s wearing an apron, yet between household chores he is supposed to be studying books. His character and accent should be composites of various black stereotypes from Rochester to Aunt Jemima. He is taking care of Detective Gallo, who is sitting in the wheelchair curled up. Occasionally, Gallo blurts out street phrases. Since Woodrow and Gallo have undergone an empathy experiment, Woodrow regards the officer as a part of himself. Isadora’s ghost appears increasingly haggard and tattered.
ISADORA’S GHOST No sooner is he moving around than Professor Henry Higgins has made Eliza the killer into a domestic.
WOODROW Thank you, missy! (Belatedly, his eyes widen in a minstrel fashion and he shrieks, jumping into the air) I dink I juz saws me a hobgoblin! (He rubs his eyes and checks again) Shoo, spook! I don’t want me seein dat. (Covers Gallo’s eyes)
GALLO Smoke, coke, TNT—
ISADORA’S GHOST Believe me, kid, Miss Scarlet doesn’t want to see that either.
WOODROW Da bossman sez I got da mojo on my tinkin ’cause of de tonic dat I’m a drinkin.
ISADORA’S GHOST Ted Danson at the Whoopie Goldberg roast?
GALLO (Slightly garbled like the subway PA system) Please stand clear of the moving platform as trains enter and leave the station. Thank you.
WOODROW (Gently holding Gallo’s head in his hands) Leastways I ain’t Lucy-nation, which’s what you is.
ISADORA’S GHOST Why are you holding him like a baby? And what is that crap he’s blurting out?
WOODROW (Still holding Gallo) Who’s him? I ain’t holding no him.
ISADORA’S GHOST Okay. Von Bootum must have educated you himself.
WOODROW Sure done did. I’z got me a high school edjy-cation.
ISADORA’S GHOST A New York City high school education—figures. You’re supposed to get a college education.
WOODROW Yes’m, but I’z got to ease up awhile, on account the doctor don’t want me gettin brain overload. I’z suppose to do some of that page-turnin book-learnin.
ISADORA’S GHOST You’re reading books and you don’t know pronouns?
WOODROW Pronouns? Indicative? Possessive? Personal?
ISADORA’S GHOST What about history? Do you know anything about Alexander the Great? No, wait, let’s give Von Bootum’s experiment more of a test. Do you know anything about Great Alex’s dad?
WOODROW (Using the same mock black accent) Philip of Macedon who lived from 359 to 336 BC conquered villages southward from his native town. These included Amphipolic and Pydna and finally Delphia in 356. He was stopped in Thermopylae inDelphia in—
ISADORA’S GHOST Please drop the accent. I’m in no mood.
WOODROW Not meaning to be uppity, and I know I’z using the wrong auxiliary verb, but I is what I is.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Pauses) Oh! That’s very shrewd of him. Any other character-type would have turned rebellious when educated with a history of racial oppression.
WOODROW You sound whiskey-crazy, ma’am. Who you be?
ISADORA’S GHOST I am the increasingly late Mrs. Von Bootum. Who are you?
WOODROW (Does a little tap dance) Who’s da boy dat runs da fastest, why it’s lil’o me—Rastus.
GALLO Animals don’t wear your skin. Don’t wear their fur!
ISADORA’S GHOST Where is Dr. Franken-Bootum anyway?
WOODROW (Holding Gallo in his arms) If’n you really be his dead wife, you’d know de honorable professor educates during the day.
ISADORA’S GHOST Oh, go wet nurse.
WOODROW (Cleaning up) Pshaw! I isn’t wettin on any nurse. I’z workin on my feces.
GALLO Pray to end abortion! Human life is sacred.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Referring to Gallo) You’re not getting any of this?
WOODROW Any of what?
ISADORA’S GHOST Forget it. Why are you working on a thesis?
WOODROW He wants me to prove dat I’z reformed. So I’ve drawn up some feces proposals. (Reads from a list) “How to create either an automated train porter or watermelon deseeder or tapdancing robots.”
ISADORA’S GHOST (Disgusted) Okay, turn that on. (Points to the computer) Let’s see what Mr. PC did to you.
WOODROW Oh, I ain’t supposed to handle the master’s gizmos.
ISADORA’S GHOST Look, you’re a human guinea pig in an experiment that uses pop caricatures from a time when this country didn’t attempt to hide its racism. Now you want to regress your way back to the plantation? Or shall we try to emancipate you?
WOODROW You sayin it’s all shinola?
ISADORA’S GHOST ’Fraid so.
WOODROW (Grateful) Hallelujah! I had this awful recollection of us colored folk being slaves.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m afraid that part is true.
WOODROW Missy, either you lyin about everythin, in which case I is plum-wine crazy, or—
ISADORA’S GHOST Why can’t I be telling the truth?
WOODROW How come I’z talking to a dead lady?
ISADORA’S GHOST If I told you, you’d freak out.
WOODROW Why’s that, ladybug? Why you helpin me?
ISADORA’S GHOST Because I can’t do anything with you—or to you—in the condition you’re in.
GALLO How do you get to McSorley’s? Where’s the Statue of Liberty? What train takes you to the World Trade Center?
WOODROW You talkin monkey-shine.
ISADORA’S GHOST Do you want to take responsibility for your life or not?
WOODROW That’s what I’m tryin to axe you!
ISADORA’S GHOST You already shot me, please don’t axe me.
GALLO Accommodation! Not prohibition! Sing a petition for smokers’ rights.
WOODROW So let me get this straight, I’z gonna be responsible.
ISADORA’S GHOST That’s right. You wouldn’t just be some servile appendage. You’ll feel pride when you’ve accomplished something good, and even more important, you’ll be plagued with guilt when you’ve done something wrong. Put your finger on the keyboard, and when you feel a slight electrostatic sensation, let your fingers do the walking. (He does so, and she puts her hands over his and reads while typing) Look at this. He’s got everything from Aunt Jemima to Butterfly McQueen in here. And you’re somehow connected with this clone. (Referring to Gallo)
WOODROW I’z the only clown here.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Reading the computer) Yeah, yeah, you’ve empathized with each other so much, you think you’re part of each other.
GALLO (Speaking with a “ghetto” accent) Yo! Hon, don’t walk by, I love you, so let’s give it another try—Then fuck you, bitch! I don’t want yo’ ass anyways.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Reading) No wonder he’s like that. He’s supposed to be blotted on the poetry stuff, but the tape malfunctioned. For the past two days he was submerged in a program on the sounds of the street.
GALLO Big savings, little time! GOING OUT OF BUSINESS!
ISADORA’S GHOST Let’s put you both out of business. What influences can we fill you with? Okay, here’s some from the ’70s: Blacula, Blackenstein, Shaft, Superfly, Get Christy Love! Let’s fast-forward through Blaxploitation. Here’s some good responsibility-accepting types. Okay, get back in there.
(Woodrow sits in the wheelchair with Gallo) Let’s see about the new trigger-name—you will be Marvin.
GALLO (Musically) Hammer time! Can’t touch this! Can’t touch this!
ISADORA’S GHOST (Replies to him) Want to bet? I’ll unblot you both at the same time.
WOODROW Wait a second, it’s all comin back to me.
ISADORA’S GHOST What is?
WOODROW (Slides himself and Gallo into the Polk tank while muttering) I saw da best minds of my generation destroyed by madness—
ISADORA’S GHOST Oh God, here I go again, back into my late-night rerun in the subway that doesn’t run—
Fade to black.
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
Back in the living room. The scene begins with smoke, coughing, screams, alarms. Woodrow is banging from inside the locked Polk tank. Gallo is quietly sitting behind him.
WOODROW Help! Set me free! HELP!
ISADORA’S GHOST (Lights rise on her) I can’t! Didn’t you ever see the movie Ghost? I can’t touch anything.
VON BOOTUM (Dashing in) Oh my. Rastus! What happened?! How’d you—(Helping him out, coughing) How’d you get in there? Who remixed your matrix tape? (Checks the computer screen)
WOODROW (Speaking in a grandiloquence reminiscent of Malcolm X) I have seen the great divide and yonder!
VON BOOTUM Oh my God! (Gallo is still coughing) How’d you two peas get in that pod, huh? You were supposed to be preparing a thesis proposal—
WOODROW Mine eyes have seen the glories as well as your evils! I cast my sights upon the prize! Yes sir! (To Gallo, who remains in the back of the Polk tank) Who’s unfairly consigned to the rear of this bus?
VON BOOTUM Rastus!
WOODROW (Instantly reverting) Yes’m.
VON BOOTUM (Inspecting Gallo’s pupils) Oh my. The detective is coming to. Somebody sabotaged my invention. Let’s check out the damage in here. (Crawls inside the Polk tank)
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin! He’s going to reprogram you. Lock him in!
Woodrow locks Von Bootum in the tank. He angrily starts typing at the computer.
WOODROW I’ll tie the oppressors to the whipping post!
ISADORA’S GHOST Type in the adult-film category, look up Long Dong Silver.
VON BOOTUM (From inside the tank) I hear you clicking out there, but to no avail. The tank’s ruined. Open up, Rastus.
WOODROW (Opens it) Yes’m, boss.
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin! Wait!
WOODROW (Angrily) Your chickens have finally come home to roost. And I’m leaving before they do!
ISADORA’S GHOST Good for you. Get the hell out of here.
VON BOOTUM You’re the subject of my test. You can’t go! Rastus, come to me.
WOODROW (Reverts to Rastus) Howdy, boss, can I get your dogs out from under you?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin!
WOODROW (Reverts to Marvin) I’m unshackled from both you blueeyed devils.
VON BOOTUM Your trigger-name is supposed to revert you permanently. I don’t understand why it isn’t working.
WOODROW I’m free, thank God almighty, I’m free at last! (Turns to go, takes a couple of steps, and mutters vacantly, fitfully) Spare any change? Spare any change? Spare any change?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin! (He comes to) Get the hell out of here.
WOODROW (Takes another few steps and reverts) Spare change?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin! (He comes to) What did he do to you?
VON BOOTUM You’ve got a brain-cuff on, which prevents you from attacking me or leaving here. It works regardless of character profiles. Now listen, Rastus or Marvin or whoever you are. During the Renaissance, an apprentice would study under a master until he fully learned his trade, then he would submit his masterpiece.
WOODROW (Indignant) Don’t I know what a master’s piece is? Don’t I know what submission is? Don’t I know the slave trade? Don’t you dare presume to teach me anything, white motherfucker.
VON BOOTUM I’ll uncuff you when I have my masterpiece.
WOODROW (Lunges at Von Bootum, but reverts before touching him) Spare change?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin!
VON BOOTUM I’m sorry that you can’t slaughter me the way you murdered my Hynie Mama, but I will remove your brain muzzle when you’ve completed a scholastic thesis of some kind. (Takes off his jacket, exchanges it for a lab coat, and removes his shoes, which he exchanges for slippers)
WOODROW You held us as slaves years ago—
VON BOOTUM I beg your pardon. Russian Wolfhounds, perhaps. But the Von Bootums never owned slaves.
WOODROW Then what the hell is all this?
VON BOOTUM This is a one-room empowerment zone. A tiny gesture of affirmative action. A one-man war on poverty.
WOODROW Another forty-acres-and-a-mule failure is all.
VON BOOTUM Failure? Listen to yourself, Woodrow. Look at the clarity of your thought. Your righteous indignation! Life! I’ve given you a reversely discriminated life.
WOODROW YOU TOOK MY LIFE AND GAVE ME A ROLE! WHERE AM I FROM? HOW THE HELL DID I GET HERE?! WHO AM I?!
VON BOOTUM An ingrate. Suffice it to say, you were broken when I found you. I gave you food, board, an education—
WOODROW But you haven’t given me my freedom!
VON BOOTUM There is a library in that computer. Use it and present me with a suitable thesis proposal, and you’re free.
WOODROW Okay, how about a stinging indictment of White America.
VON BOOTUM Cliché. Unacceptable.
WOODROW All right then, I’d like to prepare a declaration for an independent African-American state.
VON BOOTUM I don’t know who downloaded that mumbo jumbo into your character profile, but let me advise that you watch some daytime soaps and flush all those revolutionary clichés out of your head. They’re only going to make you bitter.
ISADORA’S GHOST Tell him you’ve theorized a preventative to injustice.
WOODROW (To her) That’s not mine.
VON BOOTUM Nothing is yours until you sit down, crack open some books, and study, whatever your name is.
WOODROW My name is Marvin.
VON BOOTUM Look, I don’t want to fight. I’m going to revive the cop since I’m done with his part of the experiment. Can I persuade you to change into proper attire and join us for dinner?
WOODROW I will neither turn away an olive branch nor uncock a gun. (Exits)
VON BOOTUM (Sits Gallo up) Officer, listen to me. Stand up and keep your eye on the watch.
GALLO Andy Warhol wore khakis!
VON BOOTUM You’ve got an ad campaign stuck in your brain.
(Takes out a pocket watch on a chain and swings it pendulously, back and forth) You can hear me, can’t you?
GALLO Big Mac attacked khakis.
VON BOOTUM You broke in, found me experimenting on my wife’s murderer, and agreed to give me three weeks, yah?
GALLO Leonard Bernstein wore khakis!
VON BOOTUM When I awaken you it’s three days later. You’ll forget your entire time here. In fact, you are just joining us for hasenpfeffer burger and for the hundred-hour head-cleaning of our little blockhead, yah?
GALLO Jackie wore khakis.
VON BOOTUM Good. Put on your jacket and wait outside. When I open the door, you will awaken. Then you can begin your inquiry, yah?
GALLO Pataki wore khakis.
VON BOOTUM (Puts away the pocket watch angrily) Don’t tell me who wore khakis no more! I don’t care who wore these khakis. Now out!
Gallo exits. Von Bootum takes a mint from a bowl, sits in a chair, removes his slippers and socks, and scratches his feet while reading The Bell Curve.
ISADORA’S GHOST You got everything you wanted. The law outside waiting at your beck and call, picking your stinking feet. Only you replaced me with Woody as your domestic. Maybe that’s an improvement, I wasn’t a great cook. We didn’t have sex in years, always fighting. But I loved you. How could you do this to me?!!
Woodrow returns, dressed as Malcom X.
VON BOOTUM What’s this? You look like a disgruntled bellhop.
WOODROW You promised food, white man!
ISADORA’S GHOST Pew, I can smell his socks from the great beyond. Do him a favor, Rastus, and toss them into the can.
WOODROW Yes’m. (Throws Von Bootum’s socks into the garbage)
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m sorry, I meant Marvin. I accidentally used your old trigger-name.
VON BOOTUM My God, why did you discard my socks?
WOODROW The smell was oppressive.
VON BOOTUM (Starts blinking and acting feverish) My wife used to do that.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Smiles smugly) Do me a favor and smack him, just once for me.
WOODROW Woman, please!
VON BOOTUM Well, under the right circumstances or for the right amount of money, they do indeed please. Would you like a bitter, Woody?
ISADORA’S GHOST Would you mind if I offered a thesis proposal?
WOODROW Yes! (Von Bootum extends the bowl of mints)
ISADORA’S GHOST I thought of a great proposal and I can dictate it to you.
WOODROW No!
VON BOOTUM Do you want one or not?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin, I just want to help you and—
WOODROW It’s just that I have to find my own way.
VON BOOTUM As you wish, I’ll put them here. (Sets the bowl down)
ISADORA’S GHOST Once he’s finished with you, he’ll dispose of you like a lab rat, unless you impress upon him that you have a great discovery that he can use—the man’s a blatant thief.
WOODROW Actually, I was thinking about the sciences.
VON BOOTUM What about the sciences?
ISADORA’S GHOST Tell him you need to use the lab.
WOODROW Well, downstairs you have a lab, don’t you?
VON BOOTUM That was my wife’s work place, a permanent shrine to endless nagging. It’s off-limits.
WOODROW I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trouble you about her.
ISADORA’S GHOST Hell no, don’t trouble anyone on my account.
VON BOOTUM She was a brilliant pharmaceutical biochemist. For years we researched along the same lines.
ISADORA’S GHOST My lines!
VON BOOTUM When she died, I tried to decipher some of her notes, but they were entirely illegible—
ISADORA’S GHOST Deliberately, you plagiarist.
VON BOOTUM Brilliant yet unfeeling woman.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Spits on his face) Feel that, monster.
VON BOOTUM (Lovingly) Yet sometimes I can almost feel her moist lips on my cheek. (Woodrow coughs nervously) You okay, Woodrow?
ISADORA’S GHOST Come on, push him! Needle him! Don’t let up! You have a terrific science project.
WOODROW (Holding his head) I have a terrific headache.
VON BOOTUM Isadora used to give me migraines. But you mustn’t be in any pain when I awaken our friend. (Referring to Gallo, Von Bootum exits)
WOODROW Pardon me if I seem a bit unsure of myself, but who the hell are you again, and how’d I get here?
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m sorry, that’s right. You just went through another character-matrix designed to give you a maximum sense of responsibility. You shot me to death on a subway platform. And because that fat fuck doesn’t believe he committed a crime, he doesn’t see or hear me. Only you can.
VON BOOTUM (Returns) Here we are, some Acetylsalicylic Acid, also known as aspirin. (Gives Woodrow some pills) I think I hear a knock. I’ll get our guest and we’re off to dinner, yah?
WOODROW (Stares at Isadora in disbelief as Von Bootum exits) WHAT?
ISADORA’S GHOST You shot me to death during a botched robbery attempt.
WOODROW I don’t believe it.
ISADORA’S GHOST The memory cells are still in your head. You can remember if you think hard enough.
WOODROW There must be a misunderstanding.
ISADORA’S GHOST There isn’t, and the good news is, I’m going to spend every waking second with you. Every minute, every moment, I’ll be (Shouts in his ear) right here with you!
VON BOOTUM (Enters with Gallo) Look who’s here. (Low tone) He doesn’t remember you. (Normal tone) Allow me to introduce. Detective Gallo, this is Rastus.
GALLO How do you do, Rastus?
WOODROW (Wide grin) How’s do I do what, boss?
ISADORA’S GHOST Marvin!
GALLO Excuse me?
WOODROW The name’s Marvin. (Gallo looks familiar to him) How do I know you? (They are about to shake hands when Gallo soulfully hugs him)
GALLO Sorry, I guess I just needed a hug.
VON BOOTUM I made some reservations for Anal Bark, the exquisite new Indian restaurant on 6th Street.
GALLO Sounds delish! God, I’m famished. (To Woodrow) So, how we doing?
WOODROW (Militantly) How are we doing? One third of us live in poverty and a quarter of us are in jail by the time we’re thirty. That’s how we’re doing! We make up 12% of the nation’s population, yet 50% of the nation’s prisoners. That’s how we’re doing!
GALLO (Defensively) Hey, I voted for Clinton. (To Von Bootum) Why’s he acting like that?
VON BOOTUM If I can have a word alone? (Gallo and Von Bootum step off to one side, away from Woodrow) You remember our deal about Woodrow, yah? (Gallo nods yes, and leading him offstage, Von Bootum keeps talking)
WOODROW (To Isadora) Look, I truly regret any harm I might have caused you, but I don’t remember a thing.
ISADORA’S GHOST Shut up, I’ll make you a deal. There’s one thing I didn’t complete before my bothersome bloodbath.
WOODROW What?
ISADORA’S GHOST My experimental serum Rehabilitol. Von Bootum didn’t know it, but I almost finished the theoretical side of it.
WOODROW The hieroglyphics in the basement?
ISADORA’S GHOST Right, I did most of the preliminary experiments, I just never pulled them all together.
WOODROW This Rehabilitol is the cure for crime you were mentioning?
ISADORA’S GHOST It’s more of a corrective.
WOODROW And once it’s done, you’re gone?
ISADORA’S GHOST Once it’s done and tested, I’m gone.
VON BOOTUM (Reenters with Gallo) Sorry for taking so long. I just wanted to familiarize the good detective with some of the latest developments.
GALLO So, locked in the microwave with Spike Lee, I hear.
WOODROW Better than being locked in there with you.
GALLO (Blank-eyed) O.J. wore khakis. (Grabs his mouth) Why did I say that?
VON BOOTUM We’re operating without the Polk tank now, so we’re going to need more time than anticipated.
GALLO Now wait a sec, we had a deal. (Unsure) Didn’t we?
VON BOOTUM I didn’t know that the Polk tank would break.
ISADORA’S GHOST Have him agree to your thesis now. He won’t refuse you in front of the cop. Then I’ll leave you alone.
WOODROW Actually, professor, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I came up with an exciting thesis proposal.
VON BOOTUM (Bored) I’m all ears.
WOODROW Inspired by you, I’d like to try to undertake a pharmaceutical remedy to crime.
ISADORA’S GHOST Good—make him the inspiration.
VON BOOTUM But your concentration is in the humanities. Your mind isn’t designed for the sciences.
GALLO Just say no to drugs, Woody. (Blank-eyed, chants) Smoke, coke.
WOODROW Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you presume to know what my mind is designed for?
VON BOOTUM (Nervous in front of Gallo) I just mean you have no training in pharmacology.
WOODROW Percy Julian, a fellow African-American, did pharmaceutical research that resulted in successful treatments for glaucoma and arthritis. When he died, he held over a hundred patents.
GALLO You’d be great at Trivial Pursuit.
VON BOOTUM Why this sudden interest?
WOODROW It was sparked while reading the late Mrs. Von Bootum’s textbooks—
ISADORA’S GHOST Name’s Isadora.
WOODROW—The Chemicals of Criminals, The DNA of a Repeat Offender, and, of course, her breakthrough work, The Calcium of the Recalcitrant. I’m quite prepared on the subject.
GALLO (Skeptically) Prepared on the subject?
ISADORA’S GHOST Suggest a test of any kind.
WOODROW You can test me on the subject if you wish.
VON BOOTUM I don’t think so, Woody.
GALLO Wait a second, doctor, I’d like to see some kind of test. I want proof of you—of his—change. I believe I’m here for (Goes into a sudden trance) hasenpfeffer hamburger and for a hundred-hour head-cleaning of our blockhead, yah?
WOODROW Screw you too.
VON BOOTUM All right, Marvin, I’ll quiz you, but you get just one question wrong and you’re back in the humanities, yah?
WOODROW Fine.
VON BOOTUM Methocarbanol, what does this drug do?
ISADORA’S GHOST It’s basically a muscle relaxant for spasms.
WOODROW It’s a muscle relaxant.
VON BOOTUM What is the precise location of this drug’s action?
ISADORA’S GHOST It’s a trick question. The location’s not fully clear. It’s thought to act on the nerve pathway in the brain and spinal cord that are involved in the reflex activity of voluntary muscles.
WOODROW It roughly acts on the nerve pathways in the brain and spinal cord that are involved in the reflex activity of voluntary muscles.
VON BOOTUM Wrong! So sorry.
ISADORA’S GHOST Bullshit! Open that book. (Points to one on the shelf) Check out chapter three. (Woodrow goes to the shelf and opens the book, Isadora looking over his shoulder) Keep turning, keep turning. (Finally coming to the right page, she yells) THERE! (Woodrow shows it to Von Bootum and Gallo, who skim the section)
GALLO Whoops, there it is! Can’t touch that! I mean, very good.
VON BOOTUM Okay. (Takes the book from Woodrow, flips through it, and stops at another page) Ephedrine, what year was it introduced? Where was it used in crude form for centuries?
ISADORA’S GHOST China for five thousand years and introduced in (Looks over Von Bootum’s shoulder) 1924.
WOODROW China is where it was used and it was introduced onto the open market, I think, in May 1924.
GALLO Is he right?
VON BOOTUM (Slams the book closed) I vastly underestimated the strength of his memory retention.
GALLO Why don’t you give him a shot at the lab?
VON BOOTUM A regurgitative mind is not the same as an inventive mind. I am very hesitant to set someone loose in a room where he could hurt himself.
WOODROW Doctor, I have no intention of making this into a long endeavor. I’ll surprise you with my speed.
GALLO I took a chance on you. Take a chance on him.
VON BOOTUM (Resumes flipping through the book) All right.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m gone. (She vanishes)
VON BOOTUM You really worked out a complete program then?
WOODROW I have. I know exactly what I’ll be doing and—
VON BOOTUM (Stops on a page in the book) Oh, here’s a question that’ll assure me that you soundly know your phamaceuticals. Answer this—
WOODROW But I thought the test was over.
GALLO The trial doesn’t end till the judge leaves the room.
VON BOOTUM Final jeopardy question: List the drug families.
WOODROW Drug families?
VON BOOTUM All the major drug families, yes, Rastus.
WOODROW (Reverts to Rastus) Let’s see, you means like Whalens, Duane Reade—
GALLO No, the drug families.
WOODROW Oh! Da drug families. You mean like da Genovese, Columbo, Gotti—
GALLO WHAT?
ISADORA’S GHOST (Appears) Marvin! (Gallo bolts to attention)
ISADORA’S GHOST (Isadora’s ghost speaks breathlessly along with Woodrow) Amphetamines, Analgesics, Antiarthritics, Antiasthmatics, Anticoagulants, Antidepressants, Tricyclics, Antidiabetics, Antigout, Antihistamines, Antihypertensives, AntiParkinson’s, Antispasmodics, Atropines, Barbiturates, Benzodiazepines, Cortisone, Decongestants, Diuretics, Monamine, OxidaseInhibitors, Nitrates, Penicillin, Phenothiazine, Sedatives, Sulfonamide, Tetracyclines, Thiazides, and Tranquilizers, mild and strong.
GALLO Now that was thrilling. (Von Bootum applauds)
WOODROW I can also list the dynastic families of Xhosas, Zulus, and other African tribes.
VON BOOTUM Not necessary. And though I’m genuinely impressed, I’m afraid that in all good conscience, I still can’t permit you to go into a lab.
WOODROW Is the master afraid of being usurped by the servant?
GALLO You know, doc, if he really did create some brilliant kind of serum, that’d mean you could take (Quietly) criminals and turn them into geniuses. Now that’s Nobel Prize—winning stuff.
VON BOOTUM (Muttering) Nobel Laureate Von Bootum. All these people who laughed at me and said, “Von Bootum, you dunkopf!”
GALLO They’d be fools!
VON BOOTUM Yah! (To Woodrow) Tell you what. I’ll give you two weeks, that’s up until the tenth of this month, to show early results.
ISADORA’S GHOST I need much more time.
WOODROW (To Isadora’s ghost) More time? Another week?
VON BOOTUM Fine, another week, but that’s the limit. (Gallo takes out his appointment book) How does that fit with your tax-paid schedule, detective?
ISADORA’S GHOST NO! I need at least a month! (Woodrow shakes his head no)
GALLO Fine. In fact, I’ll stop by once before then.
ISADORA’S GHOST Look, I’m dead, I don’t need sleep, but be warned: The next three weeks are going to be the roughest, most exhausting weeks in your life.
VON BOOTUM Fine. All right, at 3 o’clock on the seventeenth of the month, I will be ready for your experiment.
WOODROW (Grabs his coat and heads toward the door, speaking to Isadora’s ghost) I just want to get the whole thing over with quickly.
GALLO What motivation. I have to tell you, Woody, I thought you lost it when you started listing those drugstores.
WOODROW Just having a laugh. Actually, all modesty aside, I also wrote a little poem.
ISADORA’S GHOST & GALLO Yikes!
VON BOOTUM (Admiring Woodrow) Arts and sciences! If only Isadora was like that.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Suddenly pointing to Von Bootum’s shoulder) Look, Woody, there’s a waterbug crawling on his arm.
(Woodrow slaps his shoulder)
VON BOOTUM Ow!
WOODROW Sorry, I thought I saw something.
VON BOOTUM Well, come on, Marvin, recite us your marvelous poem while we’re going to dinner.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’ll see you in the lab later. (She vanishes)
WOODROW (Takes out a piece of paper) I saw the best minds of my generation—
GALLO Eating, I bet. In an Indian restaurant. (Grabs his coat and rushes for the door)
WOODROW No, destroyed by madness—There’s more.
VON BOOTUM Maybe after dinner, Marvin. (All exit, fade to black)
SCENE 2
It is dark and silent. In the distance we hear a train again. It grows louder, until it sounds as if it is rushing into the front of the theater; a gust of wind and a strobe of light might suggest its crossing. We are back on the same subway platform as in Scene One, only this time Isadora refuses to speak in her dance of death. Everyone else is in mid-action.
VON BOOTUM Just move it! Shit, the exit’s locked. (Woodrow enters stage right, walking nervously behind them, until he also exits stage left, where he grabs Isadora’s purse) My Angina! (Still offstage, we hear him demonically) He bit the bait. (Voice reverts to normal as he enters the stage) Give him the purse! He’s got a gun! (Pulls out a gun)
WOODROW No I don’t! (Holds up his hand upon seeing Von Bootum’s pistol)
VON BOOTUM (Shoves his gun into Woodrow’s pocket so Isadora doesn’t see it, then in a diabolic whisper) Take mine.
WOODROW (Pulls out the gun) Give me the fucking bag!
VON BOOTUM (Holding his chest) That’s my gun! Oh God! Don’t shoot, please. I’ll give you all the money in the world!
(Alternate demonic voice) If you kill her!
WOODROW What?! (Isadora slaps the gun out of his hand)
VON BOOTUM (Grabs a stick off the ground) I’ll hit you, so help me!
(Woodrow recovers the pistol) I’m doing this for you, buddy.
Von Bootum hits himself over the head and falls unconscious. Isadora involuntarily digs her fingernails into Woodrow’s face, and just before she rips them down, Woodrow shoots her. She screams in agony, still holding the purse.
ISADORA No! No! No!
WOODROW Shit! (Helps her to the ground, then pulls the purse away) All I wanted was the fucking purse! (Fade to black)
SCENE 3
In the lab downstairs, there is a mouse in a cage and an unseen snake in a terrarium. A variety of chemicals line a spice rack against the back wall.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Looking into the terrarium, seeing the snake) At least the monster didn’t kill you, Leona. This is my little baby python.
WOODROW Yes, I remember you mentioning her. Well, I’ll be upstairs working on my Call to Revolution pamphlet. Let me know when you’re done.
ISADORA’S GHOST Wait a second. I can’t hold things, I’m a ghost.
WOODROW Surely you don’t expect me to be your step-and-fetchit.
ISADORA’S GHOST You have to.
WOODROW Have to? I beg your pardon, but I—
ISADORA’S GHOST Rastus! Will you help me, please?
WOODROW (Reverts) Yes ma’am.
ISADORA’S GHOST Open that drawer. (He does as she says) Put that notebook on the counter. (Points) Flip to the last page and stand aside. (Muttering) God, I created a monster.
WOODROW Who’s dat, missy?
ISADORA’S GHOST Let’s just say he was driving Miss Daisy crazy. Please open that drawer. Grab those test tubes.
WOODROW What else can I do for you, ma’am? Just name it.
ISADORA’S GHOST You really are a kind person, Rastus.
WOODROW Thank you, ma’am, but it’s easy dis way.
ISADORA’S GHOST What do you mean this way?
WOODROW I means being told what to do. Not having to make any difficult decisions like some man, or given any re-spon-so-bility. Just being made into a—a—good boy.
ISADORA’S GHOST Only Marvin could make me feel this ashamed.
WOODROW Caught hiding in the woodshed. (Pauses) Rastus has faded. So has Militant Marvin. I’ll miss his causes and slogans.
ISADORA’S GHOST What do you mean they faded?
WOODROW (Sadly) I can’t remember anything I learned from Polk Tank University.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Delighted) His experiment is a flop? That’s terrific!
(Suddenly contrite) I’m so sorry.
WOODROW (Visibly depressed, facetious) Actually, not all is lost. I do remember everything I read on my own. And considering I went through most of Von Bootum’s library, that’s substantial. On the bright side, maybe I’ll win a basketball scholarship. On the dark side, other things are coming back to me—and they’re terrifying.
ISADORA’S GHOST What other things, Marv?
WOODROW Woodrow. My name is Woodrow Bishop. I’m twentyeight years old, from 148th Street. My older brother Lyle was killed during a gang fight when I was eight. I don’t recall ever meeting my father. I had some sisters, but everyone seems to vanish with time. By twelve, I was on my own, petty crimes and jail time. To employ the vernacular, hanging out in the hood. After a long stretch in jail, I’m suddenly released into a world without friends, skills, direction. Into an isolated daytoday street existence. There are no vacations, no birthdays, no real family. My only glories came from finds in garbage cans, charity I was given, or things I conned away or stole from people. Have you any idea what it’s like living without family, security, or any future? (Long pause)
ISADORA’S GHOST Why did you do that just now—pretend you were Rastus?
WOODROW You were my guinea pig. I wondered, between compromise and tyranny what a decent person would choose.
ISADORA’S GHOST I’m embarrassed. You’re free to do what you want.
WOODROW Unfortunately I’m not, so let’s get to work.
ISADORA’S GHOST We can divide the world into those we injure and those who injure us.
WOODROW Yet if we don’t forgive we’ll never really be free, will we?
ISADORA’S GHOST I guess not. (Flipping through data and graphs) Look, if Von Bootum learns that his experiment is a failure, he’ll try to dispose of you. So let’s get this done and you out of here. (Points to a list in the notebook) You read the inventory of chemicals, I’ll check if we have them or not.
WOODROW (Reading) Sodium Chloride? (She looks) Just for the record, I don’t believe that Von Bootum’s life has been cruel enough to convert him into a murderer. He’s not some Nazi fugitive, is he?
ISADORA’S GHOST (Searching) We’re out of Sodium Chloride, or salt, and we’re going to need it immediately, so put it on top of the list. Von Bootum’s father was executed by the Nazis for publicly denouncing them when they first came to power. His mother brought him to the U.S. after the war.
WOODROW He’s not Jewish, is he?
ISADORA’S GHOST No, but I am. Any problem with that?
WOODROW Just asking.
ISADORA’S GHOST I was one of the founding members of Cut Crime, a project in the Justice Department cut by Reagan in ’81. Von Bootum only came on the scene after our early findings. I was chief of pharmaceuticals research. He was head of surgery, big phoney.
WOODROW If he did rehabilitate me from a criminal, he must have done some research. (Reads) Lithium?
ISADORA’S GHOST Check. He followed the instructions on the can.
WOODROW Please, I’m not microwaveable. He did more than that. Why do you hate him so much? What wrong did he really do? (Reads) Cotton swabbing?
ISADORA’S GHOST (Locates it) Check. You only really know someone when he kills you, trust me.
WOODROW But I thought I killed you. (Reads) Guanidine?
ISADORA’S GHOST Out. (Pauses) You seized an opportunity. Hell, he even provided the weapon. But since he thinks he got away with it, he’s grown even worse.
WOODROW I don’t think he’s worse.
ISADORA’S GHOST Then you won’t believe that he’s plotting to kill you, or that his existence stands in the way of my going to heaven, or wherever the hell.
WOODROW Calcium? So what’s the undiscovered country like?
ISADORA’S GHOST (Finds it) Check. It’s like living near an airport, I just keep dying over and over, but never really taking off. And I keep regretting everything I never did. (Angrily) Shit!
(Grabs her head painfully)
WOODROW What’s the matter?
ISADORA’S GHOST I’ve got this tremendous headstone somewhere in Queens and that’s my only monument. Death removes all the bullshit. You become your achievements. If I could have finished this fucking experiment, it would have given my life some real value.
VON BOOTUM (Offstage) Detective! I thought you were coming later.
GALLO I just got out of my writer’s group and was in the area.
(They enter) You’ve been on my mind a lot, kid. (Gallo hugs Woodrow)
WOODROW What’s this, the Vulcan mind probe? Get off!
GALLO Sorry, I just feel a part of you.
WOODROW Think about that the next time you arrest a black man on little or no evidence.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Facetiously) Yeah! Justice for Woody!
VON BOOTUM Woodrow, we didn’t mean to disturb you, we were just hoping for a little preview.
GALLO What exactly is this experiment supposed to do?
ISADORA’S GHOST &
WOODROW I’m working on an accelerant that contains Smartypanzine, a growth hormone which injected into the blood system will accelerate the rate of muscle growth or atrophy based on the amount of Hezzamoron in the brain.
ISADORA’S GHOST Now out!
GALLO What is this Hezzamoron?
WOODROW & ISADORA’S GHOST It’s a protein that a team of pathologists in France have theorized is linked to one’s ethical clarity. They found no traces of this in outlaws, cops, or criminal researchers. Now go!
VON BOOTUM So it essentially makes the virtuous stronger?
ISADORA’S GHOST And the wicked weaker, you bastard.
WOODROW Right.
ISADORA’S GHOST Now get the hell out!
GALLO But since this stuff would probably be used on convicts, isn’t it going to be unfair to the poor? Not that that really bothers me, but won’t this make the poor weaker?
WOODROW (To Isadora) Hey, that’s a good point.
ISADORA’S GHOST That’s why we’re going to dump the whole brew into the New York reservoir—so it’ll work on the whole goddamned city, rich and poor alike.
WOODROW (To both Isadora’s ghost and Gallo) Well, the poor will have to worry about that one, right?
GALLO I’ve got to admit it, doctor, you really have done something impressive.
ISADORA’S GHOST Tell them what I said!
VON BOOTUM Thank you, detective.
GALLO (To Woodrow) You are incredible, pal. And handsome.
(Embarrassed) Sorry.
WOODROW By the way, doctor, I’m going to need a few things.
(Gives Von Bootum the list)
VON BOOTUM (Reads) Iodine-free salt. Isadora probably depleted it making dinner. She was an awful cook.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Electroshocks Von Bootum and Gallo’s crotches) GET OUT!
VON BOOTUM & GALLO Owww!
VON BOOTUM Did you—Forget it. (Von Bootum and Gallo exit, muttering)
WOODROW If I was a shitty person before, is Von Bootum’s approach—making me completely different—a remedy?
ISADORA’S GHOST I don’t know. My Smartypanzine serum keeps character intact. That’s the superiority of it.
WOODROW But Gallo had a point too. Your notion of a “cure” for injustice doesn’t cure injustice at all. In fact, cheap NRAprotected handguns basically allow the physically weak to prevail over the strong, so even if we find your cure it’ll only have marginal value.
ISADORA’S GHOST Many offenses, such as rape and domestic abuse, are physical-domination crimes.
WOODROW A Freudian would say that this alleged cure is nothing more than a result of some kind of female hysteria.
ISADORA’S GHOST Freud wasn’t killed by two males in a train station. Now, grab that test tube rack and put those tubes in them—
Slowly fade to black.
SCENE 4
It is dark and silent. In the distance we hear a train again. It grows louder until it sounds as if it is rushing into the front of the stage. A gust of wind and a strobe of light might suggest its crossing. We are back on the subway platform. Isadora is more closely bonded with Woodrow in this scene than with Von Bootum. Everyone is in mid-action.
VON BOOTUM Just move it! Shit, the exit’s locked! (Woodrow rushes nervously behind and also exits, offstage he grabs Isadora’s purse)
ISADORA Woody! (Woodrow tries to run with it, but Isadora holds on and he pulls her back onto the stage) It’s me, Woody! And I’m stuck, I can’t let go.
VON BOOTUM My Angina!
ISADORA (Yelling behind her while fighting for the purse) Woody, fucking listen to me! There’s only ten dollars in this bag, it’s not worth it.
VON BOOTUM (Still offstage, we hear him demonically) He bit the bait! (Voice reverts to normal) Give him the purse! He’s got a gun! (Pulls out a gun)
WOODROW No I don’t! (Holds up his hands upon seeing Von Bootum’s pistol)
VON BOOTUM (Shoves the gun into Woodrow’s pocket. In a diabolic whisper) Take mine.
ISADORA (To Von Bootum) What did I ever do to you?
WOODROW (Pulling the purse and Isadora onstage, he draws the gun) Give me that fucking bag!
ISADORA Please, I can’t!! (Crying as she hits Woodrow) Christ sake, listen to me.
VON BOOTUM (Holding his chest, terrified) That’s my gun! Oh God! Don’t shoot, please! I’ll give you all the money in the world.
(Alternate demonic voice) If you kill her!
WOODROW What?!
ISADORA Try to remember. We’re a team, working in a basement for the past three weeks. (Slaps the gun out of his hand) I’m sorry! I beg you, Woody.
VON BOOTUM (Grabs a stick on the ground) I’ll hit you, so help me!
(Woodrow recovers the pistol)
ISADORA God! Please, Woodrow, I know you’re not a killer. Don’t hurt me, please. Just this once, please. Try!
VON BOOTUM (In a diabolic tone) I’m doing this for you, bud. (Hits himself over the head and falls unconscious)
ISADORA Your name is Woody Bishop, twenty-eight years old, from 148th Street. Your brother Lyle died when you were eight. You never met your father. You had sisters, but by twelve you were on your own—
Isadora involuntarily digs her fingernails into Woodrow’s face, and just before she rips them down, Woodrow shoots her. She screams in agony, still holding the purse.
ISADORA No! No! No!
WOODROW Shit! (Grabs Isadora and helps her to the ground, then takes the purse) All I wanted was the fucking purse!
Sudden blackout.
SCENE 5
It is pitch black. Isadora’s scream carries over from the last scene. Lights come up on her laboratory. Woodrow jumps out of his chair when he hears her. It is apparent that he is overworked, in need of a shave, shower, and sleep.
WOODROW (Tiredly) What?
ISADORA’S GHOST It’s killing me!
WOODROW You had that dream again?
ISADORA’S GHOST It’s not a dream, it’s death. (She catches her breath, recomposes herself, and looking into the mouse cage, she sighs) SHIT! The specimen is dying. The experiment is a failure.
WOODROW No, it can’t be!
ISADORA’S GHOST (Still preoccupied with the memory of her own death) It’s just a fucking specimen.
WOODROW I know, but—I—I’m a specimen too.
ISADORA’S GHOST I can’t take it anymore. You keep killing me over and over and over and over.
WOODROW I honestly don’t remember anything.
ISADORA’S GHOST Well, let me refresh your memory.
WOODROW It’s not necessary.
ISADORA’S GHOST You fire that fucker’s gun into my chest. I feel the bullet cracking through my sternum, the blood boiling up out of me—
WOODROW I didn’t mean to—
ISADORA’S GHOST—lying faceup in that filthy train station, all alone, feeling life rush out. You’re running off with my handbag. Von Bootum is on the ground grabbing his stingy heart—
WOODROW I—I—oh God. Oh shit! I remember rummaging through the purse as I’m walking up First Avenue—lipstick, mascara, an appointment book, eyeglasses. Oh God, I remember putting the cash in my back pocket!
ISADORA’S GHOST Every time I make the same fucking mistake. I can’t take it anymore. It’s killing me. I can’t die anymore.
WOODROW (Remembering) Can that be me going to a liquor store and buying a big bottle of Ripple? Then going into a bombedout tenement on Avenue B, guzzling it down, trying to forget that awful moment—that is me! (Emptily) The next morning waking up, hungover on the rooftop, in the rain, realizing I’m broke again. Realizing that I had … killed you.
ISADORA’S GHOST The only one that really knew what was happening was him. That prick. You just reacted, I even hit you repeatedly.
WOODROW I’ve done some pretty awful things, but I never killed anyone before, I swear.
ISADORA’S GHOST I know you didn’t. (Looks away coldly)
WOODROW Your average household pet was cared for better than me. I was treated far less than human—
ISADORA’S GHOST (Furious) And I’m still dead! (Pauses, regains composure) Please, do me a favor and let’s move on. We have another problem to deal with. (Examines the dead mouse) I have to rethink all this.
WOODROW I’m so tired. What could have killed the mouse?
ISADORA’S GHOST I don’t know, I’m not a pathologist. I wouldn’t know where to begin.
WOODROW (Picks up the mouse and examines it) Meal time, Leona.
(Drops the mouse in the snake’s terrarium)
ISADORA’S GHOST Get that out of there. Whatever killed the mouse might kill Leona!
WOODROW (Looking in the terrarium) Oops, too late. She just gulped Mickey down.
ISADORA’S GHOST SHIT! All right, pick up that rack, load the tubes, turn on the Bunsen burner—
WOODROW Hold it. Isadora, I need a nap.
ISADORA’S GHOST We don’t have time.
WOODROW I’ve been awake for days!
ISADORA’S GHOST You were the one who said three weeks, not me.
WOODROW How long am I expected to be a pair of gloves from the netherworld? And it’s too late. (Checks his wristwatch) They’re supposed to be home in a couple minutes.
ISADORA’S GHOST Just pick up that test tube and pour that damned Guanidine into it and—
WOODROW Sorry, I need a break. (Sits down)
ISADORA’S GHOST Pick up that damned test tube!
WOODROW (Explosive) I’m exhausted!
ISADORA’S GHOST Then you shouldn’t’ve shot me.
WOODROW And you should’ve just given me your purse.
ISADORA’S GHOST (Zaps his testicles) You bastard!
WOODROW Owww! (Clutching himself) You bitch! You drove Von Bootum mad. Instead of him killing you, I got stuck with the dirty job. Well, I’m the goddamned victim here.
ISADORA’S GHOST How dare you.
WOODROW When you first met him, was he a whacko?
ISADORA’S GHOST What?
WOODROW Did he always have all that repressed hostility? All those freaky habits?
ISADORA’S GHOST No, but—
WOODROW Well, who do you suppose did that to him?
ISADORA’S GHOST If you’re implying—
WOODROW I’m just saying, he didn’t start out this way. I mean, he’s pathetic and lonely, but he really tried to do something.
ISADORA’S GHOST Yeah, turn you into a voicemail announcement for The Amos ’N Andy Show.
WOODROW Look, instead of killing me or sending me to prison, he tried to repair what he thought was broken. Now, I’m not saying what he did was right—
ISADORA’S GHOST Taking a human being and experimenting on him against his will is cruel and insane.
WOODROW Lord knows, he had his own vainglorious reasons.
ISADORA’S GHOST Vainglorious reasons? Listen to you, you sound like the Christian Science Monitor.
WOODROW That’s right, words I never dreamed I’d know. Ideas that he opened me up to. By accident a madman helped me, so my question is, what drove him mad? Who pushed him off the deep end?
ISADORA’S GHOST Wait a fucking second. If you’re suggesting that his insanity is due to my occasional nagging—
WOODROW Occasional nagging? You’re a fault-finding pain in the ass who was bitter and jealous of his talent.
ISADORA’S GHOST You have no right to judge our marriage.
WOODROW Not once in the last three grueling weeks have I heard you say “relax” or “good work.” It’s been, “You killed me, now pay up.” Or trying to turn me back into Rastus. Well, I got news for you, lady. If I were married to you for ten years, I’d, I’d—!!
ISADORA’S GHOST What? You’d do what? SAY IT!
WOODROW Divorce! I’d divorce the hell out of you!
ISADORA’S GHOST Well, I can live with that. (Notices her snake) Leona!
WOODROW (Reaches into the tank and pulls out an earthworm) She shrunk to a fraction of her original size.
ISADORA’S GHOST The mouse ate the corrective, it killed him. The snake ate the mouse and it affected her too.
WOODROW It made her small and puny.
ISADORA’S GHOST But she’s still alive! We might presume that it made her body strength relative to her moral state.
WOODROW Was your snake immoral?
ISADORA’S GHOST No, but reptiles do have an acute absence of Hezzamoron. Put some serum into a syringe.
WOODROW (Does as he’s told) Now we just need another subject.
Von Bootum sneaks into the room, looking feverish and disheveled. Hiding, he listens to Woodrow.
ISADORA’S GHOST How about Von Bootum? If he’s a murderer, he’ll be made weaker and punier. But if he’s what you think he is, he’ll be stronger and bigger.
WOODROW He’s a sour kraut not a guinea pig.
ISADORA’S GHOST Either way, he’s still a pig. Have you seen his room up there? It’s a mess. You’d think it’d hurt him just to pick up. (Woodrow smiles) What are you grinning at?
WOODROW Maybe I should kill Von Bootum while forcing him to mop his floor. Then he’d have to keep reliving the hell of housekeeping.
ISADORA’S GHOST You were right about me being a bitch. I wasted my life getting angry and frustrated. He’d spend hours doing his research and I’d furiously clean up after him. But finally dead, I’m doing the work I should have been doing all along. This should have been my life. That’s why I don’t want to stop now. Not till it’s finally done.
WOODROW All right, let’s beat him at his own game. That’ll really boil his beets and burn his bratwurst.
ISADORA’S GHOST He’s in enough pain. Over the past few days, I’d sneak upstairs and see him sitting all alone at that dining table, holding his forehead, tormented in that roach motel that I can’t and he won’t clean up. You know what? For the first time, I really, truly feel sorry for that man.
VON BOOTUM (Leaps out from his hiding place with a gun) Boil my beets and burn my bratwurst? Who can this be you’re speaking to?! Why are you saying such nasty things about me?
WOODROW I was thinking aloud.
VON BOOTUM (Insanely) I too think aloud. Sometimes, as at the moment when my poor Hynie Mama was killed, my loud thinking takes control, and I feel crazy all over. A tingly, itchy, achy, kooky, nutty craziness.
WOODROW Maybe a nice shower—
VON BOOTUM Oh no, this is what happens when the most ruthless aspect of your personality is pulled out of you like a limb torn from its socket. It compels you to have your Hynie Mama blown away.
ISADORA’S GHOST I wish he’d stop calling me that.
WOODROW Sounds like the basis for a temporary-insanity defense.
ISADORA’S GHOST Sounds like the basis for a lobotomy.
WOODROW You can surrender to Gallo. He’ll vouch for your character, a deal with the DA—
VON BOOTUM I have no intention of dealing with any DAs. You see, my schizophrenic side was correct in forcing me to do this. Just as yours is right in wanting to kill me while mopping my floor. I should clean my room. It’s a real pigsty up there.
WOODROW Look, you accidentally helped me. Let me help you.
VON BOOTUM Better yet (Cocks his pistol), let me help put a hot piece of lead into the soft folds of your brain.
ISADORA’S GHOST Better still, hire a maid.
WOODROW Doctor, I know a little about killing. The person you kill doesn’t just die, they’re always with you. And no matter what you do, you can’t ever be forgiven. Because we can kill but we don’t have the power to unkill.
VON BOOTUM Tell that to the filthy ashes of Isadora Von Bootum.
ISADORA’S GHOST Filthy? When I static him, you jump for the gun. Ready? (Woodrow nods his head yes)
VON BOOTUM Why is your head bobbing? (Isadora electrifies his crotch) Oww!
Von Bootum drops his gun, Woodrow rushes him, and they struggle. The gun is kicked to the far side of the laboratory counter. Von Bootum reaches over, stretching to grab it. The syringe is sitting on the counter top.
ISADORA’S GHOST He’s going for the gun. Quick, the syringe!
WOODROW No!
ISADORA’S GHOST Don’t spend the rest of your life regretting a stupid decision!
Woodrow grabs the syringe and injects Von Bootum on the gluteus maximus.
VON BOOTUM Ow! Ohhhhhhh!
Von Bootum starts rolling on the ground behind the lab counter as his body sprouts into a hideous mix of large and small limbs. These can be sculpted from foam rubber.
VON BOOTUM What have you done? What’s happening to me?
WOODROW What have we done? What’s happening to him?
ISADORA’S GHOST (Sadly) Shit! Parts of him are becoming strong. Other parts are shrinking. What could’ve gone wrong?
WOODROW No one’s all good or bad. We’re a mix of both—that’s what’s happening to him.
ISADORA’S GHOST Poor Euclid. I’m sorry, forgive me, Hynie Papa.
WOODROW I’m going to put him out of his misery. (Tries to grab the gun from Von Bootum)
VON BOOTUM No! (Grabs Woodrow’s neck and strangles him) Now I have the strength to snap your neck like a twig. You miserable fly!
WOODROW (Gasping for breath, struggling) HELP!
ISADORA’S GHOST (Trying to zap Von Bootum) It’s not working.
GALLO (Offstage) Hello, you there, my Woodman?
WOODROW HELP!
GALLO (Enters) Christ, he’s on you like a pair of khakis!
WOODROW (Turning blue) HEY!
Von Bootum grabs Gallo’s neck with one hand while still strangling Woodrow with his other. Gallo pulls out his service revolver and shoots Von Bootum in the chest. Woodrow gasps for air.
GALLO Are you okay, buddy? (Woodrow nods his head yes; Gallo tries speaking to the dying Von Bootum) Doctor, can you hear me? He stopped breathing!
Gallo starts performing CPR on Von Bootum’s body. Over the amplifiers we hear a train rush into the station and almost inaudibly we hear an exchange that gradually grows louder. It should be played only loud enough to be recognized, never interfering with the dialogue between Gallo and Woodrow, who don’t hear it.
VON BOOTUM Just move it! Shit, the exit’s locked!
ISADORA My purse! EUCLID, HELP!
VON BOOTUM My Angina!
ISADORA HELP! Euclid, help!
VON BOOTUM He bit the bait! Give him the purse. He’s got a gun.
WOODROW No I don’t.
VON BOOTUM Take mine.
WOODROW Give me that fucking bag!
ISADORA You human garbage! Euclid!
VON BOOTUM That’s my gun! Oh God. Don’t shoot, please. I’ll give you all the money in the world. (Alternate voice) If you kill her!
WOODROW What?!
ISADORA HELP! Token booth clerk! Fellow New Yorkers!
VON BOOTUM (In a diabolic voice) I’m doing this for you, bud—(We hear a gunshot)
ISADORA’S GHOST Do you hear that?
WOODROW No, hold on. (Trying to find Von Bootum’s pulse) It’s me, professor, your old Rhine-wine buddy.
GALLO (Regarding Von Bootum) It’s no good.
ISADORA’S GHOST Something’s happening to me.
WOODROW What?
GALLO (Assuming Woodrow was addressing him) I didn’t say nothing.
(Pauses) He’s dead.
WOODROW (Sadly) It’s like losing a sadistic father. He tortured and abused me but I have a solid grasp of the humanities and (To Isadora) because of you, the sciences—
ISADORA’S GHOST That’s right, listen to me, damn it, you’ve got a rare opportunity. You’re intelligent, educated, and young. Do something with your life, because it all ends too quickly.
(Starts focusing on a distant spot offstage, then moves behind Gallo)
WOODROW I’m scared.
GALLO I’m right here, man. Listen, I know this sounds weird, but that’s what it is, isn’t it?
WOODROW What are you jabbering about?
GALLO I’m coming out of the spiritual closet, Woodrow. I love your spirit, man.
WOODROW What?
GALLO I can’t explain it. It’s not sexual, it’s spiritual. I just can’t stop thinking about you. It’s like you’re part of me and I’m not ashamed.
WOODROW Oh! That’s just the aftereffects of Von Bootum’s empathy experiment. We were psychically connected.
GALLO That might be, but that doesn’t excuse me from presuming you guilty of murdering his wife.
WOODROW It wasn’t so far-fetched.
GALLO Why? Just because you’re a poor-looking black guy, I’m supposed to believe you’re a murderer?
WOODROW (Moving beside Isadora) No, because I was the murderer.
GALLO You’re still innocent until proven guilty. I don’t know what Von Bootum did to me. I mean, I keep hearing strange street sounds, and I like wearing khakis. Most of all, though, I really want to help you. (Turns to leave, as does Isadora’s ghost)
WOODROW Where are you going?
GALLO (Thinking Woodrow’s talking to him) I need to call the police and get a drink. (Heading toward the exit)
ISADORA’S GHOST My murder’s been avenged! Hey, Pat Swayze, wait up! I’m finally out of that damned subway station. Bye, Woody!
She vanishes and a small piece of fabric from her dress with a tuft of her hair is pulleyed across the top of the stage over the audience’s heads.
WOODROW (To Isadora’s ghost) Hold on—you’re all I got!
GALLO (Rushes back and hugs him) If you want to stay with me, just till you get on your feet, no problem. You’re not alone, Woody. We’re in this big scary world together, okay, buddy?
WOODROW I’ll need a place, I guess.
GALLO Want a beer? (Exits)
WOODROW No thanks—(Speaking in the direction of where Isadora’s dress is pulleyed) I’m sorry for killing one of the best minds of my generation. I’m so sorry. (Whispers) And Isadora, if from where you are, you think you can forgive me, try and give me one final sign.
GALLO (Offstage) Owww! (Drops a beer bottle) My balls!
WOODROW (Smiles, lights dim, he whispers) Thank you.
Blackout.