M’s)To Thomas P. Burke, Esq.,
an uncle’s uncle
Spare Change was first produced by Sometimes Thespians at the University of St. Francis in Joliet, Indiana, on February 3, 2006.
| George Regan | Kevin Leonard |
| Cleopatra | Jamin Gahm |
| Mozambique | Jessica Jannusch |
| Jesus | Arturo Insurriaga |
| Anthony | Keith Hernandez |
| Officer Gallo | |
| Cop #2 | |
| Dealer | |
| Jogger | |
| Psycho | |
| Walking peddler | |
| Junkie |
Walk-ons: four businessmen, six men, three women, two teenage boys
Voices: thirteen male voices, eleven female voices, four teenage boy voices, three teenage girl voices
| Director | Chris Bersano |
| Lighting/Sound Director | Trevor Lynn |
| Stage Design | Chris Bersano |
| Set Construction | USF Sometimes Thespians |
| Stage Manager | Carrie Monaco |
Acting notes: Although the voices and walk-ons are from a passing crowd, the voices can be pretaped or actors offstage can alter their tone and volume to allow for multiple roles. Walk-ons with slight cosmetic variations can double and even triple up on roles. The “voices” lines are meant to be short excerpts from lengthier conversations and should be spoken as such. Also, the volume of the voices should rise slowly as they pass the stage.
Production notes: Life-size puppets can be used in a revolving carousel. Substitutions for puppets, however, can be done with any number of improvizations, including clothes on hangers or large black garbage bags. They can be fastened to ropes above the view of the audience so they are wheeled through a pair of pulleys at both ends, offstage. This carousel of puppets represents two lanes of pedestrian traffic. They should move at a standard walking pace.
ACT ONE
Time: early 1990s, mid-spring, late morning
Place: a stretch of sidewalk near Astor Place
ACT TWO
Time: about an hour later
Place: same
ACT ONE
A street scene, late morning. From downstage toward upstage is the gutter, the curb, and then the sidewalk, covered with the usual degree of litter. Off to stage left, against the building is a garbage dumpster on wheels. Inside the dumpster should be some cardboard boxes for Mozambique’s three-card monte game in Act Two. The “stores,” where the vendors sell their merchandise, should be on the sidewalk, upstage from the path of passersby. The vendors move around, alternately leaning up against the wall of the building or out in front of the passersby. The set might include such street paraphernalia as a public garbage can, a street sign, or a fire hydrant. Extremely bright lights should convey that it is a sunny day. A loop of street noise should be played throughout. Lights come up slowly. Anthony is alone, curled up like a cat and sleeping upstage next to the dumpster. As the play opens, Zach has just been arrested, his store/merchandise is cast about haphazardly on the sidewalk. Mozambique, a black woman in her fifties, enters cautiously. Cleopatra, a tall black transexual in her thirties, follows. They are both carrying bundles of clothes, books, and other objects for resale.
CLEOPATRA Maybe we should wait awhile longer. (Looking nervously both ways)
MOZAMBIQUE (Starts collecting the clothes and magazines that are scattered on the ground) Poor Zach had some nice things.
DEALER (Walking through the set quickly) Sess, sess, nickel bag, sess …
CLEO He should’ve hauled ass. When they come, you got to move it or lose it.
MOZAMBIQUE The pigman’s got it in for him.
CLEO You talking about that officer, Gallo?
MOZAMBIQUE Yeah, fucking Gallo.
CLEO Least he left most of Zach’s stuff.
MOZAMBIQUE (Giving Cleo some of the merchandise) Here’s his car radio.
CLEO He toted this around all week trying to peddle it. I’ll sell it in his honor.
MOZAMBIQUE If that fucking three-card monte dude didn’t rip off that old guy, Gallo never woulda come.
CLEO Yeah, but three-card Monte got away with, like, a hundred bucks.
MOZAMBIQUE That’s true. We oughta try that shit. (Squinting up at a building clock) What time does that clock say?
CLEO That old bastard just kept putting down twenties. Probably his whole SSI check. (Looking up at the clock) Five after 11. You missed the breakfast special.
MOZAMBIQUE And it’s too early to take the cans back. Screw it, I’m setting up my store now. Catch the lunch-hour crowd.
CLEO But they just left here with Zach.
MOZAMBIQUE He’s got bench warrants.
CLEO A two-day lockup in Central Booking.
MOZAMBIQUE I’ll take my chances. (Puts her bag down) They ain’t coming back for a while.
George, a black man in his twenties, enters, pursuing Businessman #1.
GEORGE I don’t steal. I never hurt anyone. I served in Vietnam—
Mozambique and Cleo listen to George while unloading their bundles and placing the items on a blanket or newspaper on the ground, up against the building so the crowd will see it as they pass.
MOZAMBIQUE Will you look at this kid go? I saw him talk his way into the shelter after it closed last night.
BUSINESSMAN #1 I’m grateful. Now will you stop following me?
(Races ahead, trying to evade George)
CLEO What were you doing there?
Cleo sets up her store and fusses with the merchandise display when she’s not doing anything else.
MOZAMBIQUE I was with Zach. They wouldn’t let him in, but then that boy talked his way through. (Watching George) I have a boy about his age—somewhere.
GEORGE (To Businessman #1) I don’t use drugs. I have a wife. And a child—children. (He picks up a cigarette butt, slips it behind his ear, then blocks Businessman #1) All I’m asking for is a penny. A lonely penny.
CLEO He’s cute in kind of a gritty way.
BUSINESSMAN #1 (Angrily) You followed me for two blocks. Now leave me alone!
GEORGE Please, sir, all I’m asking for’s a penny. (Businessman #1 tries to move out of the way, George stays with him) Once you get to know me you’ll—
MOZAMBIQUE (Amused) Got a yuppie by the neck.
BUSINESSMAN #1 I don’t want to know anything about you.
GEORGE Well, I know you—
BUSINESSMAN #1 No, you don’t.
GEORGE I know you got a wallet stuffed with bills.
BUSINESSMAN #1 And how would you know that?
GEORGE I saw you take it out at that ice cream place. But I ain’t robbing you. Am I?
CLEO Puts the G in gauche.
BUSINESSMAN #1 (Finally dropping a quarter before George) Now leave me the hell alone. (Exits)
GEORGE (Picking up the quarter) Cheap mothafucka!
CLEO Grateful. (Attends to the display of her store)
MOZAMBIQUE All piss and vinegar, just like my Willy boy. (Setting up her own store)
FEMALE VOICE #1 So, did you get the summer share?
GEORGE (Moving toward the two female designates) Summer share any change? I need it now, but you might need it later, and I’ll—
FEMALE VOICE #2 (Ignoring him) Yes, it’s just a little more than we intended to spend, but—
GEORGE I’ll take a little less.
BUSINESSMAN #1 Sorry, we have no money for you.
George sees Cleopatra from the rear as she is fussing with her store. Not knowing she’s a transexual, George removes the cigarette butt from behind his ear and offers it to Cleo.
GEORGE You look like a smoker. What’s your name, love?
CLEO (Taking the cigarette into her mouth) Cleopatra, darling. Spare a light?
George realizes she is a tranny and plucks the cigarette out of her mouth. He shoves his hands in his pockets looking for a light, then unknowingly drops nail clippers shaped like a crucifix.
GEORGE Shit, I thought you were someone else—like a girl.
(Begging toward the puppets) Spare any change—
CLEO I can spare a change, honey puddle.
GEORGE (Takes a liquor bottle from his back pocket and swigs from it, then spits it out into the gutter) You mind if I park here a minute? I feel sick.
MOZAMBIQUE Just don’t vomit.
GEORGE (Sits for a little while begging toward the puppets) Spare any change? Can you spare some change? Change? (A jogger runs by with headphones on) CHANGE?
CLEO I think you might find a more sympathetic crowd down on Broadway.
GEORGE I was down there. And down the block beyond that. And the one beyond that.
WALKING PEDDLER (Enters, holding a pair of women’s high-heeled shoes) Brand-new women’s shoes, a pair of ladies’ shoes, size 8, real cheap, cheap. (Shows the shoes to Cleo and Mozambique, who both shake their heads no, then he tries selling to the puppets as he exits) Women’s shoes—cheap …
GEORGE (Still sitting on the curb) You got the easy life. Just sit back, let them come and buy.
MOZAMBIQUE (Noticing him taking out the liquor bottle) Looks like you’re not exactly breaking rocks either.
GEORGE Want it? There’s still a swallow in there. It’s good. I got it this morning from an all-night party I went to.
MOZAMBIQUE (Takes the bottle) Then you must be lying. ’Cause I saw you go into the shelter last night.
GEORGE They don’t let women in there.
MOZAMBIQUE (Opening the bottle) I was seeing a friend off and I saw you talking up that guy on duty.
GEORGE (Snatches the bottle away and pours the remainder into the gutter) That’s the last time I ever be nice to anyone.
MOZAMBIQUE You are an asshole.
Street sounds, puppets passing.
TEENAGE GIRL VOICE #1—So I coughed up these chunks in class and I wasn’t sure whether to swallow them or spit them out.
TEENAGE GIRL VOICE #2 Ewww!
GEORGE (Walking alongside Teenage Girl #1 designate) I’ll take any chunks you can cough up. Spare anything?
CLEO (Bends down to the sidewalk) Look what I found. Born-again nail clipper.
GEORGE (Grabbing it out of her hand) With the dead guy on it. They’re mine, Mr. Ed.
CLEO The name’s Cleopatra. And the dead guy’s Jesus. It’s called a crucifix.
GEORGE (Begging from passing puppets) Spare any change? Spare any change? Spare any change …
CLEO (Playfully competing with George’s begging, she steps up, holding bras, and starts hawking) Brassieres at bargain-basement prices! One day only! Brand new!
GEORGE (Trying to outdo Cleo) I’ve got AIDS! I fought in ’Nam! I’m an ex-junkie!
CLEO (Louder) Lace panties that’ll drive him mad! Cheap! Fire sale! It’s sizzling hot! Elastic bands! Fits all shapes and sizes!
MOZAMBIQUE SHUT UP!! The both of you! (After a pause, to George) How come they let you in? They wouldn’t let Zach in. Poor guy’s sitting in a cell now.
GEORGE (Angrily) Hey! You didn’t see me at any fucking shelter last night!
MOZAMBIQUE I did see you. And so did Zach.
GEORGE (To Cleo) Who the fuck is Zach?
CLEO He got arrested about ten minutes ago.
GEORGE Arrested! Don’t talk to me, neither of you. (Sitting tiredly on the ground) Change? Change? Change …
CLEO (Carefully adding a prefix to George’s chant, so they’re saying “sex-change”) Sex—sex—sex—
GEORGE Cut it the fuck out! (Cleo makes an innocent expression and George resumes) Change? Change? Change …
MOZAMBIQUE I never could beg, I swear.
CLEO Men just have no shame.
GEORGE (To a puppet) Spare any change? Spare any change? (Yells across the street) Is them flowers for me, darling?
TEENAGE GIRL VOICE #3 (Offstage) They’re for your grave, asshole.
(Mozambique and Cleo laugh)
CLEO (Yells to Teenage Girl Voice #3) You tell him, honey child!
GEORGE (To Teenage Girl Voice #3) Fuckin’ ho! I’d fuck y’ass out of pity—
CLEO (Coyly) Who, me?
GEORGE (To Teenage Girl Voice #3)—but you too ugly for even me, and I live on the street. (Proudly to all) I’ll say it, I ain’t ashamed—
MALE VOICE #1 — No, I don’t want to hear another word about it.
MALE VOICE #2 I’m sorry, but I do love you and I can’t change that.
MALE VOICE #1 Cut it out this instant, I have a wife and child. Do you understand?
GEORGE (To specific puppets) Can you help a poor black get back on the fast track?
MALE VOICE #2 Can’t you see we’re talking?
MALE VOICE #1 You’re an insult to your people.
GEORGE Fuck you.
CLEO (Laughs) An insult to your people! You poor boy.
GEORGE Fucking faggots.
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) See that, I’d rather just collect bottles or something. The day I got to ask some white motherfucker for even a penny—
GEORGE I can beg from ’em or kill ’em. Don’t matter. Never saw ’em before. I’ll never see ’em again. Like they’re not real.
MOZAMBIQUE Maybe you ain’t real. (Pauses) Shit. This whole day hasn’t been real. I haven’t made a cent and I’m hungry. I need another dollar before I can get a fuckin’ sandwich.
CLEO If I get any hungrier, I’ll eat my implants.
MOZAMBIQUE (Pauses) I’m ready to just chuck the whole fuckin’ mess in the garbage—aw, fuck it! (Angrily begins to pack up her store)
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #1 (While Cleo is speaking) Who’s the name of the lead singer of Twisted Sister?
CLEO You just got here, where you gonna go?
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #2 Fuck Twisted Sister. Whitesnake, man—
MOZAMBIQUE Away. Find some food.
CLEO Here. (Flips through her things and locates the remainder of a large pack of MM’s)
MOZAMBIQUE I ain’t taking what little you got.
CLEO Take ’em, my dentures are rotting right to hell. (Mozambique takes the MM’s)
GEORGE (To teenage boy designates) I got—(Counting his change) twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five … All I need is sixty-five cents to get on the PATH and get back to Jersey City. Can you guys—
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #1 (Ignoring him) Whitesnake—shit! It’s Twisted Sister—
GEORGE Your twisted sister’s fucking a white snake, asshole.
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #1 Fuck you, man.
MOZAMBIQUE (To George) How much you got?
GEORGE Why?
MOZAMBIQUE Truth is, I pity you, I really do. And I’m tired of lugging this shit around. So I thought I’d offer you my entire store for a buck. The easy life for a dollar.
GEORGE (Counting change) I’ll give you what I got—thirty-five cent—and owe you the rest.
MOZAMBIQUE I’m giving you a hundred dollars worth of goods for thirty-five cents? No way.
Businessman #2 enters and surveys Mozambique’s store. George keeps checking his pockets and looking on the ground for change. He briefly exits stage right.
BUSINESSMAN #2 How much is the—ah—marital aid?
MOZAMBIQUE That’s a five-dollar apparatus. Never opened. Secret Santa gift to an infection-free nun.
CLEO (Muttering) The Little Sister of the Good Vibrations.
MOZAMBIQUE And it’s got clip-on pieces here. (Points to the box)
BUSINESSMAN #2 (Picks out a small plastic item and holds it up) What’s this?
MOZAMBIQUE Three bucks.
BUSINESSMAN #2 What is it?
MOZAMBIQUE Like I says, it’s three dollars.
BUSINESSMAN #2 (Smugly) You don’t even know what it is.
CLEO It’s a butt plug. (Businessman #2 drops it and picks up a vibrator) The prior owner had a small leak.
GEORGE Look, man! (Holding his coins up) I got forty-two cents now, and—
MOZAMBIQUE Not while I’m doing a sale, man.
CLEO (To Businessman #2) You put a little coke on the tip of that, stick it up your ass, and you is in for one tingly treat.
BUSINESSMAN #2 (Regarding the dildo) I’ll give you a buck for it and the attachments.
MOZAMBIQUE That cost twenty-five dollars in a store. All I’m askin’ is one-fifty, and—(Businessman #2 puts it down and storms off) Okay! Sold, man. Take it! Shit. There goes my fuckin’ sandwich.
GEORGE Look, what am I holding here?!
CLEO (Grabbing her crotch) Look what I’m holding, homeboy.
GEORGE (Opening his palm) Fifty cents.
MOZAMBIQUE More than a white fuckin’ asshole, I hate a lyin’ black bastard, ’cause I just saw someone give you change.
GEORGE Listen, I had a dime, the suit gave me a quarter, I founds a dime. (Points offstage) The lady gave me five pennies—(Mozambique ignores him and he returns to the puppets) Can you spare a penny, ’cause I was in Vietnam and all this Asian Orange got sprayed in my face—
CLEO It’s Agent Orange, Rambo.
GEORGE (Ignoring Cleo, counting coins) I got enough so if you put it to your dollar you can get an egg salad sandwich from the A-rab deli. (Stops counting and declares) Fifty-five cent!
MOZAMBIQUE Hey! (Points to a stack of porn magazines, picks one up) There are folks fucking in there. (Holding up the dildo) A double-A battery, and this will give a woman a lifetime of satisfaction. Not to mention all these fine ladies’ garments. Now, you think I’m gonna part with that for fifty-five cents?
CLEO Oh, sell it to the boy. Zach’s been toting it for the past six months. You don’t have to carry that torch for him.
DEALER (Enters) Nickel bag, sess, nickel bag … (Lingers, chanting to the crowd)
GEORGE (Looking at the vibrator) Thing looks like a Yuletide log. You know why he couldn’t sell it? ’Cause you can’t fit it in any human-size hole.
CLEO I can argue that, but—
DEALER Sess, nickel bag …
GEORGE (Frisking himself and finding the crucifix clippers) I’ll throw these holy cutters into the deal.
MOZAMBIQUE I’m going to say it one last time: My store’s a dollar. Not owed or in little pieces or anything. It’s one dollar, and if you keep bitching it’s going up to two.
GEORGE Spare any change? (The Jogger comes back carrying a paper bag, George jumps up and deliberately blocks his passage so that he’s jogging in place) What’d you get me?
JOGGER (Yells and points to his headphones) Sorry, but I can’t hear you.
(Tries to get around George, who blocks him, also running in place)
GEORGE I need new soles on my Nikes.
JOGGER Can’t hear you.
GEORGE (Screams) CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?
MOZAMBIQUE (Jogging alongside) Want to buy a back massager? Good after a long day of exertion.
JOGGER (Pointing to his shorts) No pockets, no cash. (Exits)
CLEO (Singing) You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you. Don’t you, don’t you …
GEORGE Just want to check out the merchandise a sec. (Picking up a porn magazine) Shit, they’re fucking wet.
MOZAMBIQUE They’re moist. One of them fucking street-cleaning trucks sprayed my shit this morning.
GEORGE (Flipping through it) Hey, what the hell is this? (Reading covers) Chicks with Dicks? Knocked Up and Milky? Lactating Lassies? (Quickly flips through the remaining ones) These are all fag shit.
CLEO For shame! Selling fag rags!
MOZAMBIQUE (Snatches them from George and puts them back on the ground) It’s for straight guys too. I think.
FEMALE VOICE #3—So I’m watching Donahue discussing the g-spot orgasm, you know? I turn to channel 7 and there’s Oprah discussing the same thing—
FEMALE VOICE #4 No!
FEMALE VOICE #3 I’m telling you. The exact same panelists were on both shows.
FEMALE VOICE #4 No!
GEORGE (Sings rhythmically) She ain’t kidding/And neither am I/ When I say help/Or I’m going to die/Spare just a penny/ Spare any change—
CLEO (Adding to the rhyme) Give it quick/’Cause he’s deranged.
GEORGE (Begging Woman #1 as she walks by looking at Cleopatra’s store) All I need is a penny, ma’am, please. How can you sleep in your warm bed tonight knowing you couldn’t spare a single penny to a homeless man? (Woman #1 opens her purse in front of George, who points in it) Look at all that change.
WOMAN #1 You asked for a penny. Here’s one penny. (Exits)
GEORGE (Throws it back at her) Fucking penny! They make ’em just to annoy people.
BUSINESSMAN #3 (Picks up a porn magazine and looks through it) How much?
MOZAMBIQUE (Points to the price) It says nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents on it. I’m asking a buck. (Businessman #3 gives her a dollar)
GEORGE Spare any change? (Businessman #3 gives George a coin and exits) Shit! He bought the only one that wasn’t wet. Shit! Now you’ll see, you ain’t going to sell another one.
MOZAMBIQUE Don’t worry. It was one of the fag mags which you were too proud to sell.
A well-dressed couple enter. She’s crying and he’s absorbed in his own thoughts. She talks as the Walking Peddler enters.
WOMAN #2 (Weeping)—Then after years, you realize it’s all bullshit. You’ve wasted your entire youth!
WALKING PEDDLER (Holding up items) Children’s clothes, child’s shirt and pants and shit … (All shake their heads no, he keeps chanting and exits)
WOMAN #2 You detest your coworkers. Your job is utterly meaningless! You’re always angry. And you can’t seem to take hold.
MAN #1 Say, what was that dish Martha served at her little soiree last Thursday?
WOMAN #2 I’m talking about—
GEORGE I know what you’re saying, lady. I’m blowing my youth too. But I’m starving, please—(Man #1 gives him some change and they exit, George counts eagerly) Shit, I think—I might—ninety-two fucking cents. SHIT! I got ninety-two cent and—(Stoops over and picks up the penny and holds it up, then sees Anthony sleeping and gingerly starts picking through his pockets)
ANTHONY (Waking up) What! What!
GEORGE Sorry, thought you were Charley. Someone I knew back in Baltimore. Spare any change? (Resumes begging the crowd)
MOZAMBIQUE This boy’s got a case of the sticky fingers.
ANTHONY (Sleepily) Mi nombre es Antonio … (Falls into nonsense) Antonio mi casa. Mi madre, mi Antonio …
CLEO You’re Anthony, I’m Cleopatra. You know, Queen of the Nile, like Elizabeth Taylor.
ANTHONY Tu no eres Elizabeth Taylor—eres feo. (Falls back asleep, Mozambique starts picking up her store)
GEORGE (To Mozambique) I got ninety-two cent, and you can frisk me.
CLEO I’ll give the boy a full cavity search for you, Mozy.
MOZAMBIQUE All right. If you were praying you can stop, ’cause they were just answered. I got enough for a egg salad with lettuce, tomato, and a side of—(Takes the money out of George’s hand and throws away the two pennies)
CLEO Just talking about it is cruel, girl.
MOZAMBIQUE Sorry. Good luck, boy.
GEORGE Yeah.
Preoccupied with George’s newly acquired merchandise, Mozambique exits.
CLEO So, Paul Newman, what’s—(Touches Anthony gently, he bolts up, and she jumps away as if she’s being attacked)
ANTHONY (Leans against the far wall near the dumpster, where he unzips and takes a leak—the trickle of liquid trails from the wall to the curb) Ohhh, yesss—ohhhh, this pena es pleasure. (Cleo peaks discreetly at him)
FEMALE VOICE #5 Disgusting pig.
CLEO (Correcting) Disgusting horse.
GEORGE You scaring away my business, man. People are crossing the street. (Hears Anthony moaning in pleasure) What you doing, fucking the wall?
ANTHONY (Zipping up) To piss es da best action yo tengo in mucho años, long, long years.
Jesus, a strapping Latino in his thirties, enters running.
JESUS (Hyperventilating) Hey! Holy shit! Look who’s here! (Stops and nervously looks behind him as if to make sure he isn’t being pursued, Anthony exits)
GEORGE So where you rushin’ to, buddy?
JESUS The Martinique over on 32nd.
GEORGE Well, I don’t want to keep you.
CLEO Who’s your friend?
GEORGE He’s got to go.
JESUS I ain’t in no rush. (To George) Where the fuck did you go? FUCK! You know what happened to me last night at the shelter—
DEALER (Passing through quickly
DEALER quickly) Nickel bag, sess, nickel bag, sess …
JESUS They got my money last night. (Angrily) They stole my fucking shit!
DEALER Sess, nickel bag …
JESUS (Angrily watching Dealer) Probably was some fucking drughead.
(To Dealer) HEY! MOVE IT, FUCKHEAD!
DEALER Fuck you, asshole! (Exits, chanting) Nickel bag, sess …
JESUS (Referring to Dealer) That guy’s gotta be loaded.
GEORGE Everybody but us.
JESUS So where was you last night? (Moves against the wall where Anthony was sleeping, Anthony returns)
GEORGE Why?
ANTHONY Yo, you stand in mi bed, man.
JESUS No es tu cuarto, maricon.
Jesus continues standing awhile, forcing Anthony to wait. Finally he steps off the cardboard. Anthony lies back down and curls up.
JESUS (To George) Last night we were supposed to sell comps together outside the Palladium, remember?
GEORGE I don’t remember nothing.
JESUS Well we were. I got all those comps. Anyways, I could only sell six. But I got to the shelter early, and you said—
GEORGE (Returns to the crowd, begging) Spare any change?
FEMALE VOICE #6 Oh, look, you were trying to find a car radio. There’s one on the sidewalk.
FEMALE VOICE #7 Don’t buy things off the street.
FEMALE VOICE #6 It looks okay.
FEMALE VOICE #7 Who knows where they stole it or what diseases they carry.
GEORGE (To female designates, jokingly) She’s right. And not just people, but things got the AIDS too. Money’s got the AIDS. You should give it to me, ’cause I’m wearing a condom.
FEMALE VOICE #6 Why don’t you pull your condom over your head.
CLEO (Inspecting her arm) How’d you know if you got AIDS?
GEORGE (To the females) Fuckin’ ho’s! Spare any change? Spare any change? Spare any change?
JESUS I got fucking ripped off last night! Someone fucking took my money. And I stuck it right up here. (Points under his groin)
MALE VOICE #3 Tucholsky was not a part of the Frankfurt School, you idiot. That was Benjamin, Adorno, and—
GEORGE (To the designtates) I adorno a frankfurter, and with your spare change—
MALE VOICE #3 I threw out all my spare change this morning.
JESUS Goddamn it, man, you fucking listen to me!
GEORGE Hey, I’m fuckin’ broke. Please!
JESUS I just haven’t talked to anyone all day and I feel all bottled up, see. So I just wanted to tell you what happened. (Looks across the street) Check out the tits over there. (Yelling) Hey, sweetheart!
GEORGE (Calling over to her) Oh, baby, be very gentle ’cause you’re holding my little pigeon heart in your dainty hands. But you know that, don’t you? Ignore me if you must, but please be delicate with my beating heart.
JESUS (Frantically joining in) Let’s take a chance, let’s dance romance, we can hold hands, and feel the bulge in my pants. (To George) Why do they dress like that and then get mad when you—
CLEO I won’t get mad if you wanna—
JESUS (Nervously biting a hangnail and frantically searching through his pockets) SHIT, FUCKING SHIT! (Starts kicking and punching the dumpster)
CLEO Whatever is your problem?
JESUS They took my fucking clippers!
CLEO (To George quietly) Lend him yours. (George smiles nervously)
JESUS (Not hearing Cleo) My fucking mother gave them to me. They were soldered to her crucifix.
CLEO Why?
JESUS ’Cause my name’s Jesus! They’re all I got from her, man. Someone stole them from me at the shelter last night.
CLEO (Nervous) Sorry to hear it.
JESUS She gave me the clippers and her wedding ring, but I pawned that years ago. Look here. (Pulls up his shirt and shows Cleo a scar) See that, I used to wear my Jesus clippers on a chain, and one day this motherfucker, he goes boom, hits me across the chest with a bat. Those clippers stuck into my chest like in wet cement. I ain’t going to tell you where that guy is now, I’ll just say he ain’t with us.
Man #2 enters and leisurely skims through the porn magazines.
GEORGE Cheap, cheap, real cheap, cheap, real cheap. You gonna buy one?
MAN #2 (Inspecting the pages closely) I’m thinking about it.
GEORGE Why don’t you just take it out and whack off right here while you’re at it?
MAN #2 All right. How much?
GEORGE Whatever you think it’s worth.
MAN #2 I’ll give you a dollar for (Reads titles) Pregnant Lesbos, Knocked Up and Milky, and Lactating Lassies.
GEORGE A dollar?! Why don’t you just fuck my ass while you’re at it?
MAN #2 (Takes a bill out of his wallet) A dollar-fifty then.
CLEO Take it. Not many folks are fucked up enough to want ’em.
GEORGE (To Man #2) Okay, you can stop praying ’cause they were just answered. (Grabs the bill out of Man #2’s hand) A twenty? What are you, showing it off?
CLEO Oh! Let me see it!
MAN #2 (Starts collecting the magazines) I don’t have anything smaller.
GEORGE Why don’t you just take them all?
MAN #2 You kidding? It’ll be hard enough hiding just one of these from my wife.
GEORGE I’ll get you change.
MAN #2 (Grabs it back) Yeah, and I’ll never see you again. I’ve been conned that way before.
GEORGE Well, all my cash is tied up in other people’s pockets. You can get change in the token booth down there.
MAN #2 All right.
Psycho enters. He’s dirty, his clothes are tattered and filthy, he’s not wearing shoes, he’s cursing, staring at the ground, gesticulating wildly.
PSYCHO SHE WANTS IT! She forkin’ wants, and next thing she’s goin’ right for my cock—right for my forkin’ dick—she went quick for my dick!
JESUS Bullshit!
PSYCHO Forkin’ shit, forkin’ shit—I’ll kill you—I’ll rip your forkin’ arms off and beat you with ’em. I’ll strangle you with your guts—I’ll suck your forkin’ eyes out.
JESUS Shut up, you fucking nut! (Shoves Psycho)
PSYCHO I’ll kill you—I’ll tear you in two—I’ll kill you times two.
And the kid! So help me, I will.
JESUS (Laughs) Shut up, you nut case! (Shoves him again)
PSYCHO (Punching the air wildly) YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I’LL—(Quiets down but continues rambling)MAN #3 (Enters, well-dressed with a clipboard, approaches Psycho) Excuse me, are you a registered Democrat?
PSYCHO (Leaps forward, scaring Man #3) I’ll kill you! (Man #3 passes around him and exits)
GEORGE (Looking down the street) Where’s that guy with the fucking change?
CLEO (Also looking down the street) Maybe he met a lactating lassy lesbian.
JESUS I made six bucks hustling comps in front of the Palladium. When I left the fucking shelter this morning—
GEORGE Where, the Armory?
JESUS (Yelling) No, Third and 3rd! You asshole! You were supposed to meet me at Third and 3rd! Remember? Supposed to sell comps with me and then go there.
MAN #3 (Soliciting people) A few votes can make all the difference.
MALE VOICE #4 I’m not registered.
MAN #3 (Moves to the next designate) Pardon me, are you a registered Democrat?
MALE VOICE #5 Leave me alone.
MAN #3 How about you? Ma’am, are you registered in Manhattan?
FEMALE VOICE #8 No, I’m married!
CLEO (To Man #3) Can I make a difference, honey? (Man #3 talks quietly to her, looking at his clipboard)
GEORGE Where’s that fuck with my change?!
JESUS (To George) He’s gone. You should’ve just snatched that twenty and ran.
MAN #3 (To Cleo) Once you get an apartment in Manhattan you can register to vote. (Cleo listens, clearly enamored)
GEORGE (To Man #3) Give me some change and I’ll vote for anyone you want.
MAN #3 (Gives him a quarter, joking) Vote Democrat.
JESUS Need any more voters? (Man #3 shakes his head) Spare any more change?
MAN #3 (Joking) No, but I can change a spare. (Starts working the crowd again) Are you a registered Democrat?
JESUS Hey! (Grabs Man #3’s arm, looks both ways, speaks in a threatening whisper) You can and will spare more change. (Man #3 gives Jesus a quarter and quickly exits) Fucking quarter, I had six bucks last night!
GEORGE I told you you’d get ripped off there. (Back to the crowd) Spare any change? Spare any change?
CLEO Who would dare rip off a big he-man like you?
JESUS I don’t know, but I swear I’ll fucking find him and kill him!
(Punches the dumpster)
CLEO Look at you. You’re all tense. Let me rub my baby. (Starts massaging Jesus’s back)
JESUS Even in prison I didn’t get ripped off. See what I’m saying?
CLEO All those meaty muscles are just one big knot. Who would dare fool with a man like you?
GEORGE (To the crowd while Cleo and Jesus are talking) Spare any change? God bless you. Spare any change?
JESUS You know, I put the stuff right in here in the lion’s den.
(Points to his groin) I didn’t think any human being would ever put their hands down there.
CLEO Can I pet the king of the jungle? (Lowers her hands down Jesus’s back)
JESUS (Turns around to face Cleo) You know, I’ve fucked a lot uglier things than you.
CLEO How enchanting.
JESUS You don’t wanna hear any of that “stars in my eyes” bullshit.
(Gets closer and whispers into Cleo’s ear) I know exactly what you want. You’re getting all tingly, aren’t you?
CLEO My nipples are turning blue.
JESUS That’s the Styrofoam, not me.
CLEO Silicone.
JESUS Whatever. (Steps over sleeping Anthony and goes to the dumpster, which he pushes forward a bit) Hey, come here a minute. (Cleo giggles coquettishly and shakes her head no, Jesus keeps beckoning)
GEORGE (Continuously begging) Spare any change? Spare any change, please? (Man #4 walks by eating a pretzel, George looks on hungrily) Spare any pretzel? Spare any change? God bless you, have a nice day. (Sees something up the block, calls over to Cleo) Watch my store a minute. (Exits)
JESUS (Looking at Cleo sincerely) Seriously, I got something important to show you.
CLEO You do? (Approaches)
JESUS Yeah, what I want to tell you, girl, is—(Romantically) I really want those wet lips of red velvet sucking on my man muscle.
CLEO I bet you say that to all the most beautiful girls.
JESUS (Sincerely) Just you, I swear it. (Crosses his heart)
GEORGE (Returns eating the pretzel that Man #4 had been eating, sees Jesus leading Cleo behind the dumpster) Hey! That’s a guy, man.
JESUS (To George) Leave me alone!
CLEO That bitch’s just jealous.
JESUS Come on, honey, meet the amazing Hulk. (Unzips as Cleo slides down along the wall)
GEORGE Yuck! Can’t you do that somewhere else, man?
JESUS (To George) You never served hard time.
GEORGE Well, you’re free now.
CLEO (To Jesus) Don’t worry, I won’t bite you. (Removes her dentures)
JESUS Aw shit! Put your teeth back in your mouth. He’s right, you’re a fucking mess. And I’m on the outside.
GEORGE For now, anyways.
Cleopatra quietly puts her dentures back in her mouth, gets up, and returns to her store. She fixes her hair and face with a comb and a pocket mirror.
CLEO Little Georgy’s jealous ’cause he had me last night.
JESUS Where’d you sleep last night?
GEORGE In a hallway and then on the benches over at Madison Square. (To the puppets) Spare any change? Spare any change? Please, sir, I’m hungry.
MALE VOICE #6 Sorry, but it’ll kill your incentive.
GEORGE I’ll kill your fuckin’ incentive! You fuckin’ faghole. Incentive!
JESUS Tonight I’m sleeping on the number 1 train.
DEALER (Walks through and stands with the others) Smoke, sess, nickel bag, sess …
JESUS (Muttering to George) Look who’s back. I bet whoever the fuck took my money bought shit off’a him. (To Dealer) Hey, I want to buy.
DEALER What the fuck you want?
JESUS Sorry ’bout before, man.
DEALER Whatchu want?
JESUS A pound of sess right now is what I want.
DEALER Let’s see some cash.
JESUS What you got on you right now?
DEALER Fuck off.
JESUS (Sternly) Hey, I’m asking you what you got.
DEALER And I’m telling you to fuck off.
JESUS And I thought I fucking told you to stay away! (Shoves him against the dumpster and then grabs him)
DEALER Get the fuck off me.
JESUS (Shoves) Stay the FUCK off this block! Didn’t I say that?
DEALER Hey, I’ll fucking blow you away.
JESUS (Shoves Dealer against the dumpster again and pushes while speaking) Cocksucker! Don’t you ever talk to me like that. I ain’t one of your whiteboy addicts.
As Dealer starts to run off, Jesus pulls a bag of joints out of his pocket without Dealer knowing it. Mozambique enters pushing a shopping cart filled with bottles and cans. Dealer shoves past her, exiting.
JESUS Pisses me off, man. You’re trying to earn an honest buck and this scumbag’s losing your business!
CLEO We got our own little police force here.
GEORGE Between this police force and the crime, I’ll take the crime.
MOZAMBIQUE What’s that asshole running from?
CLEO Don’t ask.
MOZAMBIQUE (To George) How you doing, man? Make any money?
JESUS Who the fuck are you? His pimp?
MOZAMBIQUE Who are you? His john?
GEORGE (To Jesus) Hey, she’s a friend. (To Mozambique) I sold one fuckin’ thing. (Mozambique goes over to Cleo and stays with her, keeping an eye on Jesus)
JESUS Lend me a couple, huh?
GEORGE You see I’m begging.
JESUS (Pissed) I got rid of that dealer for you, didn’t I?
GEORGE I don’t care about no dealer. Hey, I’m fuckin’ broke.
JESUS (Remembers) My old lady’ll have something.
CLEO You’re married?
JESUS She’s living with some guy, but we—(Loses interest in what he’s saying) I’m gone. (Exits)
MOZAMBIQUE (Muttering) Man, major waterbug crawled up that man’s ass.
GEORGE Jesus is doing okay for someone out of his mind. I met him when I first came to the city and now I can’t shake him. He’s like a pit bull looking for a home.
MOZAMBIQUE Be careful. Pit bulls turn on their owners. (Pauses) So how much you make?
GEORGE Fuckin’ buck.
MOZAMBIQUE So you broke even.
GEORGE (Referring to the shopping cart) Where the fuck did you get that?
MOZAMBIQUE What do you care? I had it, stashed it.
Businessman #4 walks by, finishing a can of soda through a straw. He puts it into Mozambique’s shopping cart wordlessly. She takes it out and throws it at him.
MOZAMBIQUE What the fuck do I look like, a garbage disposal?
BUSINESSMAN #4 (Exiting) I was trying to be helpful.
MOZAMBIQUE I don’t need none of your honky-ass charity! Dump on you and say they’re doing you a favor, that’s sweet.
CLEO Calm down, honey.
MOZAMBIQUE (Yelling offstage) Hey, motherfucker, Zach got arrested ’caus’a you!
MONTE (Offstage) Fuck you! Ain’t my fault if he was too slow!
MOZAMBIQUE It’s like they own the world. Never see a cop move them along.
CLEO They got the money, honey.
MOZAMBIQUE You want to make some real money? There he is.
(Points offstage)
GEORGE Who?
MOZAMBIQUE Bad-in-the-plaid-ass motherfucker.
CLEO He was the reason the cops came by earlier.
MOZAMBIQUE (Yelling to Monte) He’s sitting in a jail ’caus’a yo ass.
CLEO About two hours ago he transformed a ten into a hundred bucks in the turn of a card.
GEORGE You’re kidding!
MOZAMBIQUE And a free man into a prisoner.
CLEO That’s three-card Monte Hall.
MOZAMBIQUE I done that a couple times with Zach. He worked the cards, I placed the bets.
GEORGE Never saw no woman do it.
MOZAMBIQUE Sure, folks trust a lady.
GEORGE Here’s a donation toward your future. (Puts his wine bottle in her shopping cart)
MOZAMBIQUE (Reading the bottle) No deposit, no return. Sounds more like your future.
GEORGE (Extending an open palm to a passerby) Maybe. They sure ain’t giving it away anymore. (Yawns) Boy, am I tired.
CLEO They used to give more. Before begging became a pastime.
(Staring at the passing puppets for a while)
GEORGE Look at ’em. At him and her and—
CLEO And him—
GEORGE They all look alike after a while.
MOZAMBIQUE Don’t they, though? Look at this one coming up, this one here.
CLEO He’s ugly.
GEORGE But she’s pretty. Coming up behind him.
MOZAMBIQUE I used to have a set of breasts like that, before they dropped.
CLEO God, I wish I did. (Pauses) Soon you’re just looking at the parts.
GEORGE Yeah, big tits and tight asses.
MOZAMBIQUE And that dude’s tiny nose. And this guy’s flappy ears.
CLEO Her hair is just right.
GEORGE (Ignoring her) This one’s eyes are too wide apart and—
CLEO She has that “in look.” You know, that “in look” look?
MOZAMBIQUE Don’t know where you been, but her “in look” is out now, darling.
GEORGE (Pointing
GEORGE Pointing) That guy looks like this clown (Pointing to a different passerby) twenty years later. And that guy looks like a girl—
CLEO (Tenderly) Maybe he is a girl.
MOZAMBIQUE Over there’s someone who looks like Ernie at the shelter, and what’s the name of the other guy?
GEORGE (Ignoring her) People used to look more different. Now people look more alike. Take away the hair and dress, and girls look like guys.
CLEO And the guys start looking like the girls—that’s what I’ve been saying all along.
GEORGE They all just look alike.
MOZAMBIQUE I think Ernie wears a cowboy hat.
GEORGE (Murmuring) Seen ’em all before. What do they call that way up on the Northern Pole, when everything is so white that your eyes get all buzzed up?
CLEO Snow blind.
GEORGE (Rubbing his eyes) Think I’m going crowd blind.
CLEO They don’t see you neither.
GEORGE Well, I always see them. Like they’s blurring me out, making me dizzy. See ’em awake, see ’em asleep—they rubbing me out.
MOZAMBIQUE Who wears the sailor’s cap?
GEORGE Ernie wears the fuckin’ sailor’s cap and Cyril wears the cowboy hat. (Referring to the crowd) I wish they looked more different. Whoever made them got no ’magination.
MOZAMBIQUE But the guy who was on last night wasn’t wearing no hat.
GEORGE (Irritated) So Cyril wasn’t wearing a hat last night. I guess he didn’t know it was a fuckin’ fashion show. Now change the fuckin’ subject!
MOZAMBIQUE Why are you such a liar?
GEORGE What?
MOZAMBIQUE You lied about how much you have, and now you lie about this. Why do you lie? Whatchu gain by it? (George silently walks a few steps away from them) You think you got something over me?
CLEO (Softly) What’d he do? He lied about the shelter?
MOZAMBIQUE Yeah, but this is what confuses me. People only lie when they got something to get from you; to rip you off or something. What’s he trying to get from me? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.
GEORGE Nothing! I just don’t like being questioned. I got no reason to lie to you. I got nothing at all to gain by it. Hey, if you want, you can believe that I was at the shelter. Go ahead. Shit, I wish I was in the shelter.
MOZAMBIQUE ’Cause you was at the shelter.
GEORGE Fine.
MOZAMBIQUE Fine, you was there.
MALE VOICE #7 So they call this blend of fabric synthetic mohair. Feel.
MALE VOICE #8 Smooth. And it fits like a glove. How much did it run you?
MALE VOICE #7 If you’ve got to ask, don’t.
GEORGE (Approaching them) Hey, I don’t want to ask, but can you spare any change?
MALE VOICE #8 Young man, I wish I was simply broke. I’m running my business fifty thousand dollars in the red. You—I envy you.
GEORGE You look a lot less broke than me. Come on, you can spare something.
MALE VOICE #7 What are you people, a franchise? There’s one of you on every corner.
GEORGE Sure, I’m french fries.
MALE VOICE #8 Well, merge with another franchise, will you? McDonald’s up the block has a Now Hiring sign in the window.
GEORGE Hey, I’d go there but look at me. I want a job. If I could just get enough for a shave and a headcut—
MALE VOICE #7 I gave my quota to the guy begging down the block. Now please go split it with him, will you?
MALE VOICE #8 Who gives birth to these people?
GEORGE HEY! Mister, come here. (Grabbing his genitals) I got a job for you. You can suck on my Big Mac. (To Cleo) I’d like to see that cocksucker work at McDonald’s.
CLEO Why don’t you go work at McDonald’s? Free food.
GEORGE Dumpster shit, fuck that. I worked like a motherfucker for two weeks at a Burger King in Baltimore. Lickin’ some bitch’s ass for minimum wage. Man, that bitch got me mad.
MOZAMBIQUE Is that where you’re from, honey, Baltimore?
GEORGE More fuckin’ questions. What are you, a cop? (Puts his hands behind his back) Arrest me.
MOZAMBIQUE What is your problem, boy? I’m just making small talk.
CLEO Aren’t you allowed to eat all you want?
GEORGE Oh yeah, you can eat all the skanky food you want. But then they get to treat you like a slave. Uh-uh, no more.
CLEO (Picks up the dildo) I’m starving on my freedom.
GEORGE I never ever got my fuckin’ freedom, never!
CLEO (Teasing) Well, you ought to go back to your old master and have him give it to you.
MOZAMBIQUE (Amused) Turn yourself in and get your freedom, honey child.
GEORGE To who? Where’s my freedom?
MOZAMBIQUE Didn’t you see Roots? Hey, your name’s not Chicken George, is it?
GEORGE No, Kunta! Asshole. (Resumes begging) Spare any change?
MOZAMBIQUE He just looks so much like my Willy boy.
CLEO You better hope it isn’t him.
MOZAMBIQUE I’d give anything just to find out if his name is really Willy. I haven’t seen my boy in years.
CLEO Hey, Willy? (George doesn’t respond) Names are what the police use to snag you.
GEORGE (Limping quickly alongside a puppet) Spare any change? Vietnam Vet with Asian Orange poisoning and the V.A. won’t help me any. (Pulls up the leg of his pants, pointing at a rash) See?
MALE VOICE #9 Here, young man, I might have a little something for you.
MALE VOICE #10 Don’t give him any money, Dad! He can work.
MALE VOICE #9 The man’s a veteran. It’s only a little change.
MALE VOICE #10 That’s not the point. The city’s turning into Calcutta. Begging is pandemic.
GEORGE Pan-fuckhead. (Resumes begging) Spare any change? Spare any change?
CLEO (To George) Hey, Willy, I mean—what’s your name again?
GEORGE (Ignoring Cleo) Spare any change?
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) His name’s “Spare Any Change.”
Cleo and Mozambique watch George begging awhile.
GEORGE What’s your fuckin’ name?
MOZAMBIQUE I’m Mozambique.
CLEO And I told you mines.
GEORGE Two bullshit names.
MOZAMBIQUE I was born with the name Lucy—Lucy Johnson.
CLEO (Muttering) I ain’t telling mines.
GEORGE Still sounds bullshit.
MOZAMBIQUE What’s your problem? Think we’re gonna turn you in?
GEORGE I’m just not putting my name out. (To the crowd) Spare any change?
CLEO He’s a trembling little leaf.
GEORGE Fuck you, faggot.
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) I am really suspicious about this guy. (To George) You lies to me about money. You lies to me about the shelter. I gives you a nice deal on my store, and you ain’t even telling me your name.
GEORGE All right! All right. If I tell you, will you get off my back?
MOZAMBIQUE Yeah.
GEORGE And you promise not to be spreading it around?
MOZAMBIQUE Who will I tell?
CLEO Cross my heart.
GEORGE My fucking name’s George.
MOZAMBIQUE What about your last name?
GEORGE Now you’re asking too much. And you know that, don’t you? Yeah, you do.
CLEO That’s what we was asking, boy.
MOZAMBIQUE See, why you got to be that way? What’s the big deal? Just tell us your name! Don’t be such a scared little faggot.
GEORGE All right! Regan. Name’s Regan.
MOZAMBIQUE (Angrily) Then don’t tell us your fucking name.
GEORGE I’m serious!
CLEO And I’m Gorbachev.
GEORGE Hey, I ain’t proud of it. My fucking name’s Regan.
MOZAMBIQUE I think he’s serious.
GEORGE It’s fuckin’ spelled differently. It’s R-E-G-A-N.
CLEO Reagan? Can I be your bush?
MOZAMBIQUE Not ’less your thing’s detachable.
CLEO (Picks up the dildo and demonstrates with it) No, but there’s this magical operation where they take the penis and slice it open, like a banana split, and sew these parts back—
GEORGE (Grabs the dildo and puts it back down on his store) That is fuckin’ disgusting! How can you do that to yourself? God gave you a big strong body and look what you did to it.
CLEO Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t pick it. And I don’t want to be in it. (Dreamily) One day I’ll wake up on that operating table and some handsome boy wonder of a surgeon will be singing into my ear. (Sings) Girl, you’re a woman now—
MOZAMBIQUE Hey, do they give it to you in a bag or what?
CLEO What?
MOZAMBIQUE You know, your thingy, when they chop it off.
CLEO Why are you so fascinated?
GEORGE Probably be like burning off a wart.
CLEO A wart! (Points to the dildo) That thing would turn green with envy.
GEORGE (To the crowd) Spare any change? Spare any change? I’m so tired.
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #3 Oh shit, looky there, a fucking dildo, dude.
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #4 Buy it for Mother’s Day. (Laughs)
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #3 Fuck you!
CLEO (Softly rubbing George’s back) I’m having the operation for you, Mister Reagan. So you can look me in the eyes while you’re doing me.
TEENAGE BOY VOICE #4 Looky there, dude, 10 o’clock. (Lowers his volume) Big faggot coming on to little fag.
GEORGE (To the teenagers) Fuck you! I ain’t no faggot. (Breaks away) Quit (Shoves Cleo) fagging (Shoves) on (Shoves) me.
CLEO Hey! Stop it.
MOZAMBIQUE (Pulls George off) Leave her be. (Cleopatra takes a Japanese fan from her store and fans herself nervously)
GEORGE I didn’t hurt him. Couldn’t if I tried. You ought to be pulling carriages in Central Park or something.
CLEO So you can ride me? No thanks.
MOZAMBIQUE Every he/she I’ve ever met who had the guts to take it to the street was a mean fighter. He hits you, you slap him back.
CLEO I just never had the fighting spirit.
WALKING PEDDLER (Enters with an army rifle under a sheet) Rifle, cheap. Rifle, real cheap …
GEORGE (Walking with him) Rifle! How much?
WALKING PEDDLER Forty-seven bucks. As is.
GEORGE You got bullets?
WALKING PEDDLER No, but you can get them easy. Cheap rifle …
(About to exit)
GEORGE Wait a second, I got something here. (Picks up a few porn magazines) How ’bout a trade? (Walking Peddler exits)
MOZAMBIQUE You gonna be okay? (Cleo nods yes) Don’t you be talking to him while I’m gone.
CLEO Where you going?
MOZAMBIQUE Can line at Sloan’s starts at 1 o’clock.
CLEO Isn’t there a Food Emporium on Sixth that has one of them machines on the street?
MOZAMBIQUE Not anymore.
CLEO Oh wait! I almost forgot, I have a gift for you. Happy birthday.
MOZAMBIQUE But it’s not my birthday.
CLEO Doesn’t matter. I love giving gifts. Here. (Gives her a veil) It’s a silk veil. (Puts it over her mouth) I thought that since you usually wear your hair in a bundle, you could pin it up. You’d look just like Queen Victoria. Where’s that pretty clasp?
(Looks through her belongings)
MOZAMBIQUE You’re such a sweetheart, girl.
CLEO Well, alone with bruiser here, I might be dead by the time you get back, so at least you’ll have something to remember me by. (Finds the clasp) Here it is. (Shows it to George) Isn’t it beautiful?
GEORGE Horse-ugly faggot.
CLEO Make nice.
GEORGE I’ll make my foot up your fuckin’ ass.
MOZAMBIQUE (To George) Just try it! (Cleo fixes the clasp in Mozambique’s hair) I don’t understand you at all, Cleo. I get bullied all the time and there’s nothing I can do about it, but you’re born a big strong man.
CLEO Maybe on the outside, but I really always was who I am.
MOZAMBIQUE Always?
CLEO Far back as I can remember. My mommy let me wear her clothes, and her boyfriend used to just flood me with compliments. “Aren’t you the prettiest little girl, Claudia?” Claude turned into Claudia and that turned into Cleopatra. God, I was a happy child. Most people are sad. It’d take so little to make this girl happy. If I could just develop my figure a bit more.
MOZAMBIQUE When I still had a figure I was always worried about being raped and shit. And I was slapped around by more guys than I want to remember.
CLEO You think I haven’t been? (Finishes with Mozambique’s hair) There! Very becoming. (George returns, listening)
MOZAMBIQUE Wish I could swap places with you. Big strong arms. Go wherever I want, when I want. Have folks fear me, feel relieved if I’m just nice to them. Being a pretty woman makes you a number-one target, and that’s about all.
CLEO That says more about men than women—loveable monsters that they are.
GEORGE (To Mozambique) Then why y’all girls all go strutting it around, miniskirting every which way?
MOZAMBIQUE I don’t go miniskirting, hon.
GEORGE (Pointing across the street downstage) Well, that girl does, and that one.
CLEO (Looking) Which one?
GEORGE (Yelling) Hey! Titty girl! Luscious legs!
FEMALE VOICE #9 Fuck you!
GEORGE (To Cleo) That one.
CLEO (Quietly) I got better legs than that.
MOZAMBIQUE They’re just trying to make (Sings) the best a, best a, best a, a bad situation … (Hums it a bit)
CLEO That’s not why girls dress like that.
GEORGE Yeah, you know.
MOZAMBIQUE Why do they, then?
CLEO (Looking off distantly) Haven’t you ever enjoyed just being looked at? Being cuddled and—and fussed over and held, and wanted and … loved?
A car screeches to a halt. Miles Gallo, a plainclothes cop with a walkietalkie in his back pocket, rushes in and starts stomping on Zach’s car radio. Cleo screams in surprise. Cleo and George are hastily trying to salvage some of the choice items in their stores. George has difficulty carrying his load.
GALLO You mothafuckas just don’t learn!
MOZAMBIQUE Put it here. (Referring to her shopping cart)
CLEO (Still packing) Not done packing.
MOZAMBIQUE You’ll lose it all.
As Gallo continues stomping on the radio, Cleo piles most of her things on the shopping cart.
MOZAMBIQUE (To the cop) I think you killed it, officer.
COP #2 (Enters, speaks to Mozambique as Cleo exits with her cart) I fuckin’ tole you people! (Jabbing sleeping Anthony awake with his club) And you ain’t listening. I ain’t telling you again—stay the fuck off this fuckin’ block!
MOZAMBIQUE (Murmuring) Asshole.
COP #2 (To Mozambique) Hey fat-ass! I got your boyfriend earlier, didn’t I? (She doesn’t reply) He’s looking kind of lonely in lockup, capisce? (To sleeping Anthony) Move it. (Mozambique, Cleo, and George exit)
ANTHONY Sí, sir.
Anthony slowly takes a couple steps. The cops exit. Anthony lies back down. Fade to black.
ACT TWO
Same set, about an hour later. Anthony is alone, yelling at some woman just offstage. We hear her dog barking at him. There is a pile of dog shit by his cardboard bed.
ANTHONY Mira! Hey, señorita, that’s your doggy’s shit, you know. Clean up dis shit, you comprende?
FEMALE VOICE #10 Go back where you came from.
ANTHONY I was born in Nuevo York, mudafucka.
PSYCHO (Storms in, raging) OXSUCKER! MOTH GUCKING FUNT, SHUNT, MUDAFONT …
ANTHONY (To Psycho as he’s exiting, pointing to Female Voice #10, offstage) Go gets her! (George enters, Anthony points to the dog shit) Her doggie—shit aquí, mira! (Points offstage to the woman)
GEORGE Hey, lady, they’s a fuckin’ law!
FEMALE VOICE #10 There’s a law against loitering too! (George uses a garment Cleo or Mozambique was forced to abandon to pick up and toss the dog shit at her; she screams, suggesting a direct hit) You fucking bastard! (George and Anthony laugh) I’m getting the cops!
GEORGE Just returning what you dropped. (Sees Jesus offstage) Shit! Here comes another mad fuckin’ dog.
Anthony finds a bra and other abandoned clothes on the sidewalk. He uses them as a pillow and goes to sleep behind the dumpster.
JESUS Fucking cunt! (Enters from offstage) That fucking cunt! Fucking cunt, man!
GEORGE Hush up, man.
JESUS What? Fuck you, man. I ain’t scared of none of ’em. (Directed to the crowd) Fucking cunt! Fucking cunt! Fucking cunt, man!
GEORGE So what happened?
JESUS My wife happened. Bitch wouldn’t even lend me a fucking cent. Says I owe her!
GEORGE She probably has a new husband.
JESUS No, he dumped her too. I tried to be nice.
GEORGE So what happened?
JESUS She wouldn’t let me in the fucking house. (Murmuring) Even the fucking kids were lined up against the door.
GEORGE You got kids?
JESUS No, I got laid. She got kids.
A young, well-dressed couple enter. She’s swinging a small purse on long loose strings and smoking a cigarette from a long-stem holder. He’s also smoking. Cleo enters, trailing behind them, holding her bundle with one hand, and in the other, a strapless sequin gown up against her body, while talking to the woman.
CLEO Just look at this, dear, it shimmers, it shines—it’s alive. Just tell me it isn’t you.
WOMAN #3 It really isn’t.
MAN #5 Thanks anyway.
GEORGE Spare a ciggy?
Man #5 opens a silver cigarette case. George puts one in his mouth and takes several more for later. Man #5 pulls out a lighter. Cleo puts her bundle down and searches through it for something.
CLEO I have just the thing for those drooping argyles—sock suspenders. (Man #5 declines and the ritzy couple exit, Cleo inhales deeply) Smell that? Sophistication.
JESUS (Sniffs) Is that his cologne?
CLEO Oh yeah. If money grew from trees, that would be its fragrance.
JESUS Money, why didn’t you say so. Later. (Exits in the same direction as the couple)
GEORGE (Muttering) And don’t come back.
CLEO (Picks up the wrecked car radio) Look at what that Gallo cocksucker did to poor Zach’s car radio.
GEORGE (Holding up some clothes on the street) This shit yours?
CLEO (Shrieking) My Diana Ross-at-twilight ensemble! (Pulls the clothes out of the gutter) Destroyed forever!
GEORGE Here, I found this stuff. (Returns the clothes he picked up)
CLEO (Fixes the displays of her store) Bless you, George. Why must people be so hard, Georgia? Why must people be so cruel?
(Sings) Easy to be hard, easy to be cruel. (Talks) Why do people have no feelings, why do they ignore their friends?
(Sings) It’s easy to be hard, Georgia, easy to ignore. (Stops singing) This was my spring collection too. Now I’ll never get my operation.
GEORGE Operation? How ’bout just a meal.
CLEO You wouldn’t understand this, Georgy-porgy, but being a man physically hurts me.
GEORGE I know a way you can make money easy. If you’re a real lady.
CLEO I already did the catwalk in Paris.
GEORGE How ’bout the West Side highway walk?
CLEO What fashion venue’s over there?
GEORGE Washington Street around the meat market. Twenty bucks a pop, easy.
CLEO (Innocently) What services can I parlay there, pray tell?
GEORGE Come on, you done it before. Do it in some doorway. Spit it out. You’re an Andrew Jackson richer.
CLEO Spare me your crass connotations.
GEORGE Shit! You were about to give Jesus a blowjob right there in broad daylight.
CLEO Please, I was just flirting with the boy.
GEORGE Come on, ain’t no big deal. Boys and girls are doing it right now.
CLEO What are you, a pimp? Or just unhappy to see me?
GEORGE I’m just telling you how to make quick money.
CLEO (Sexually) Teach me how, hot buns.
GEORGE Get out of my face, fuckin’ freak.
CLEO Tell you one thing, ’cause you might not know it and you should. You’re a freak too. Just like me. You’re here just like everyone else ’cause you got to be.
GEORGE Hey, I don’t got to be nowhere.
CLEO You might look okay on the outside. But in here—(Points to his head) you’re a little negroid—from a solar ghetto.
GEORGE Don’t say that shit!
CLEO Oh, we can jerk it out but we can’t lap it up, can we?
WALKING PEDDLER (Riding through on a ten-speed bike) Bike for sale, bike for sale …
GEORGE Don’t fuck with me. I ain’t here for the same reason as all your poor black asses.
CLEO You’re not? What are you, some big undercover reporter?
GEORGE None of your fuckin’ business. (To the crowd) Change? Change?
CLEO You look a little tan for Ted Koppel. Believe me, I know why you’re out here. You go to some crappy little McDonald’s or something. Go through the interview, controlling every syllable. Can’t tell him what we really are. Someone hires you for no good reason. You got to wear those embarrassing off-the-rack, starch-smelling uniforms with the degrading little cap and name tag. Feeling sweaty, itchy all over. People are looking at you funny. You’re not fooling no one. I’m not worthless, you’re thinking, I’m not nothing. But you sure feel it. So you don’t say a fucking word. Don’t give nothing away. Maybe they’ll think you’re just quiet, laugh when they laugh. Blend. Stay away from everyone else. But every time something fucks up or if someone farts or, God forbid, anyone steals something—
GEORGE—Or if you’re alone with one of them. Like that bitch manager who didn’t know when to shut up. But I knew she was afraid to be alone with me, like I was some rapist nigger.
CLEO They do you real nice, don’t they? “How you doing, Claude? Need any help, Claude?” Why are they so fucking nice to you? It’s like you’re a retard.
GEORGE Yeah! That’s right. She was always hanging over me. Always eyeballing me. And she was fuckin’ blacker than I was!
CLEO (Lightens up) Some folks get a little buzz, just a little more power, and think they’re God. They might even think they’re making us better, so they push and push. “You’re doing that wrong! You’re late! You got a spot on your shirt—”
GEORGE (Explodes) Shut up! SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Shoves Cleo up against the dumpster, Anthony awakens from her shreiking) What the fuck do you know? Don’t you ever—EVER—
CLEO WHAT?! (Terrified) What’d I say?
GEORGE Don’t you never question me!
ANTHONY (Rises wobbly) Hey, hey. No hit Señora Liz Taylor, eh?
GEORGE Mind your own fuckin’ business!
ANTHONY No problema. (Gets between Cleo and George) Take it easily.
GEORGE (Yelling over Anthony’s shoulders at Cleo) You’re a man! And no operation can change that!
CLEO (Behind Anthony, murmuring) Better be glad I ain’t a man.
GEORGE Why’s that? (Shoves Anthony aside) You gonna hit me? (Slaps her) Come on then. You got height and weight on me. Come on! (Squares off, Cleo starts crying) Take a fuckin’ swing at me. HIT ME OR I’LL HIT YOU! (Grabs Cleo’s hands and hits himself with them) HIT ME!! (Cleo finally slaps George’s chest)
MOZAMBIQUE Hey! (Enters, shoving her empty shopping cart into George) Leave her the fuck alone!
GEORGE See, you don’t know, ’cause I was helpin’ him. Learnin’ him to stick up for himself and fight—
CLEO (Behind Mozambique) He really scared me.
MOZAMBIQUE It’s okay now.
CLEO And broke my nail. (Shows)
GEORGE I didn’t fuckin’ touch you. Man, you are a serious waste of time. Watch my shit. (Exits)
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) I warned you not to go talking to that boy no more, didn’t I?
WALKING PEDDLER (Passing on foot quickly through the scene) Lighters, one buck. Lighters, one buck. Lighters, one buck …
CLEO (Hugs Mozambique) He scared me bad.
MOZAMBIQUE There, there. He’s all smoke, no fire.
CLEO (Regains her composure) Did you return all those cans?
MOZAMBIQUE Four dollars in nickels, I got them changed. (Jingles a pocketful of coins)
CLEO That whole shopping cart only came to four bucks?
MOZAMBIQUE Yeah, but I spent almost all of it. Guess what I got?
CLEO Let it be a handgun.
MOZAMBIQUE No, a sandwich and a deck of cards. I’m gonna do it! I did it before. If the cops are coming anyways, I might as well try for some real money.
CLEO Do it, girl! I saw the Mexican boy throw some boxes in here earlier. (Mozambique retrieves several boxes from the dumpster)
GEORGE (Enters, hearing sirens, he looks around) Just an ambulance.
MOZAMBIQUE (Pointing offstage) That an unmarked car?
CLEO No.
MOZAMBIQUE They’ve been driving unmarked lately. No sign of the pigman?
GEORGE He’s eating donuts somewhere.
CLEO All day I been feeling awful about Zach being arrested. If he didn’t argue with Gallo he woulda lost his stuff but he wouldn’ta gotten arrested.
MOZAMBIQUE (Pulling the aces out of the deck) It ain’t your fault.
CLEO But Zach was halfway packed when they pulled up. I still had all my stuff out. I swear, I don’t know why they didn’t take me.
MOZAMBIQUE You got to learn when to leave your things and save yourself. That Gallo fucker had it in for Zach for a while.
GEORGE Why?
MOZAMBIQUE Zach says he saw him kissing a girl once. I think it was his wife. I guess he feels like now that old Zach knows his wife, he’s gonna rape her. Cops don’t want us peaking inside their lives.
CLEO They can arrest me if they want, but I could never leave my things.
GEORGE Did Zach say what she looked like?
MOZAMBIQUE Excuse me, I don’t recall talking to you.
GEORGE Why you pissed?
MOZAMBIQUE (Pointing to Cleo) She is my friend. You fuck with my friend, you fuck with me, understand?
GEORGE Hey!
MOZAMBIQUE (Approaches angrily, George backs away) Don’t you “hey” me, ’cause I will seriously fuck you up, you understand?
GEORGE (To Cleo) Hey, tell her! I was telling you to hit me. You’re a man, and you got to stand up for yourself.
MOZAMBIQUE Who the fuck are you, her father?
CLEO (To Mozambique) He was beating on me.
GEORGE Was not. And if you don’t learn to stand up for yourself, people are going to beat on you all your life. (Jesus enters) I was trying to teach you that. Don’t lie.
MOZAMBIQUE Just like you was lying about being at the shelter, huh?
GEORGE I wasn’t at no shelter! (To Cleo) Hey, forgive me if I scared you. All right? Maybe I was being fly.
CLEO Just don’t fuck with me again.
GEORGE All right.
JESUS Did I miss some action here? What’d you two get into, a catfight?
GEORGE No.
JESUS (Hands some items to Cleo) What’s this worth?
CLEO Long-stem cigarette holder, circa 1920. Looks familiar. A cigarette case, silver plated.
JESUS Want ’em for a buck?
CLEO The only buck I have is George. (Smiles at George)
JESUS George, you got a buck, come on.
GEORGE Wish I did.
JESUS What you got in there? (Pats one of George’s pockets) I’ll take whatever you got. (George pulls out his pocket, showing it empty)
CLEO I’ll check him if you want. (Pats George’s back pocket gently)
GEORGE (Tensely) Stay the fuck away from me, Claude.
JESUS (To Cleo) Claude? That’s your name? Claudehopper?
CLEO At least my name ain’t Reagan, the little Burger King from Baltimore.
MOZAMBIQUE (To George and Cleo) Hey, cut it out now, I ain’t fooling.
GEORGE Better shut up before I have to slap that little horse mouth of yours.
CLEO Slap my horse mouth?! (Inspecting her nails) Golly, my hooves are getting jagged again. You don’t have any nail clippers? Do you Haysuz?
JESUS Tole you. Someone fucking stole them.
CLEO A good manicure, yes sir. That’s what I need to look like a big brawny man, which is what I am, right, Georgey? Big macho man. (George looks at Cleo angrily) Oh, we’re all hushed up now, aren’t we, dear?
GEORGE G’on, just keep on fuckin’ with me.
MOZAMBIQUE Hey, the both of yous!
CLEO But my nails, they ain’t manlike at all. They long and sleek. George, don’t you want to help make me a man? (George starts packing up his store.)
JESUS What you doing?
GEORGE I don’t need this faggot. I’m going to sell up that block. Fuck y’all later. (Jesus walks offstage for a moment)
CLEO Thank God!
MOZAMBIQUE Come on, Willy, just relax.
GEORGE (Still packing) I ain’t no Willy, who’s Willy?
CLEO You remind her of her son Willy.
MOZAMBIQUE There’s no cause to run off.
CLEO Hey, we’re even-steven, Sweet Georgia Brown. You can stop packing. I know that bulge in your pocket means you’re just glad to see me.
JESUS (Returns) Hey, I thought you were broke. What’s that in your pocket? (Pats George’s pocket)
GEORGE (Slaps Cleo, who screams) You asked for that.
MOZAMBIQUE (Hits George) Now you gots to go! And I mean now!
JESUS (Amused) Let’s get a bottle. How much you got?
GEORGE Nothing, man! (Still packing) I don’t know why I ever wasted my time with fools.
Jesus shoves his hand in George’s back pocket. George holds Jesus’s hand in the pocket, not wanting him to see the contents.
GEORGE Let the fuck go.
JESUS Shit! I caught me a fish.
CLEO (Coming to George’s aide) Come on, Jesus, I got something to show you behind the dumpster.
JESUS Okay, okay. Let me just take my hand out of—(Pulls his crucifix clippers out of George’s pocket) Holy shit!
GEORGE (To Cleo) You muthafucka!
Jesus throws George to the ground and starts punching him wildly. Finally, Jesus pins him down and pulls out his knife.
GEORGE Helllp!
MOZAMBIQUE (Grabs Jesus’s arm and snatches the knife out of his hand) No fucking way!
JESUS (Still sitting on top of George) Give me my fucking shank, bitch, or I’ll do you too!
MOZAMBIQUE Just chill!
GEORGE I swear, I found the clippers on the street! I was gonna show you.
JESUS Bullshit! You stole it at the shelter. Tell me you didn’t rip me off! Think I’m fucking dumb?
MOZAMBIQUE You really going to off this asshole for four bucks?
JESUS It was six.
CLEO Oh God, I’m sorry, George.
JESUS No one rips me off! Give me my fucking blade.
MOZAMBIQUE He didn’t kill you, and I ain’t letting you kill him.
JESUS I’ll fucking kill him with my bare hands. (Starts strangling George)
CLEO (Hitting Jesus on the back) Stop it! Stop it!
JESUS Fuck you! (Still strangling George, who is gasping for breath)
MOZAMBIQUE (Pushes Cleo out of the way and puts the knife to Jesus’s throat) Stop it, I ain’t fooling now. Don’t think I never used one before.
JESUS (Stops) I’m gonna kill you, lady.
MOZAMBIQUE Just listen. Let him make you your money back and then you can kick his ass, and let it go at that.
CLEO It’s fair.
MOZAMBIQUE (Still holding the knife to Jesus’s throat) You don’t have no choice.
JESUS Soon as I let him up, he’s gone.
GEORGE (Frantically) No way! I’ll sell my shit, I’ll make the money, I already got two bucks here. (Jesus grabs it out of his hand) I can beg. I’ll fuckin’ mug someone. I’ll get it, man.
JESUS (Lets him up) You’re dead. Just a matter of time.
WALKING PEDDLER (Passing through, holding disposable lighters) Bic Butanes, a buck, Bic, a buck, Bics, a buck …
MOZAMBIQUE (Searching her pockets) Here, I got four bucks somewhere.
(Pulls out a bunch of nickels) What’s left of my can money.
JESUS (Slaps the change out of her hand) It’s not the fucking money. The bitch fucked me!
MOZAMBIQUE That kid’s not worth throwing away your life over.
JESUS (Sarcastically) You really care about me, don’t you?
CLEO Look, you got him, man. You can hold him till you’re satisfied.
JESUS (Kicks George hard in the leg, Geroge cries out in pain) Let’s see you run now. You’re right, he’s all mine. Can’t kill him here anyways. (George hops around with difficulty) Go ahead, run, give me a reason to fuck you up.
GEORGE (Jumps at Cleo) You’re fuckin’ dead! I’m going to kill you!
JESUS (Mozambique intercedes, Jesus grabs George by the back of his shirt and laughs) This guy’s mean as a pit bull. I oughta put him on a leash.
MOZAMBIQUE Just cool it.
GEORGE I’m dead ’cause of that bitch!
MOZAMBIQUE You fucked up, not her. You shouldn’ta gone ripping off your friends at the shelter.
GEORGE And he shouldn’t go fuck around with another man’s life!
CLEO You slapped me.
GEORGE And I apologized too, didn’t I?
JESUS (Long pause) All right, enough games, bitch! (Shoves George toward the crowd)
MOZAMBIQUE Come on, man, if he gives you back your six, say you’ll let him go. Then I’ll give you some cash toward his debt.
CLEO Me too.
JESUS (Long pause) All right, but fuck six. I want twenty. Twenty and an ass-kicking.
GEORGE (To Mozambique) Thank you.
MOZAMBIQUE Okay.
JESUS Must feel good, all these people working to save your ass. I want to see you beg for my money, bitch.
GEORGE (To the crowd, with added despair) Please, man, it’s my fuckin’ life here. Please, just a nickel, I ain’t foolin’! I beg you.
MOZAMBIQUE Here goes nothing. (Sets up the boxes from the dumpster and awkwardly starts playing three-card monte) Find the red, get ahead, find the black, stay way back.
JESUS (Amused) Shit, you need a pigeon to do that right. Someone to make bets.
MOZAMBIQUE I know! (To Cleo) Come on, girl, be my mark.
CLEO I can’t. I freeze up when doing shit like that.
MOZAMBIQUE Shit, Cleo—
JESUS Look, lady, you need someone to watch for the cops and you move like—Shit, just let me deal. (To Cleo) You watch for police. (Takes out some money) I got something.
MOZAMBIQUE Whatchu got?
JESUS Two bucks from asshole here.
MOZAMBIQUE Shit, that ain’t enough. No one takes bets that low.
JESUS Just fold the bills over and say they’re two tens. I’ll deal.
MOZAMBIQUE No way, you bet. They my cards. I’m just a little rusty. (Slowly practices) How much did we say?
JESUS He’s a bargain at twenty.
MOZAMBIQUE You’ll owe me, boy.
GEORGE I swear I’ll pay. (Begs desperately to the crowd) If you can spare any change, it means my life—
MOZAMBIQUE (Referring to the cards) Just put it down on whatever card I touch, understand?
JESUS (Amused) I’ve done more of this than you’ll ever know, lady. Just play.
MOZAMBIQUE (Exchanging cards, speaking loudly) Find the black, make it back! Find the red—(Drops a card)
JESUS You kidding?
MOZAMBIQUE I’m just loosening up. (Loudly, while dealing) Come on, I got it here, for whoever’s near. (Drops another card)
JESUS (Turns a card over) Fuck! You kidding, right?
MOZAMBIQUE Shit!
CLEO (To Mozambique) Just take it easy. Relax, girl.
MOZAMBIQUE You win four and you’re looking for more. (Drops another card)
JESUS Fuck this, you’re gonna be the first person who loses money playing this game. Let’s go, punk. (Pushes George)
GEORGE No, please!
MOZAMBIQUE Come on, give me a chance.
JESUS The only way I’m staying is if I do the dealing. You can place the bets.
CLEO Let him have it, honey. Men are better at stealing money.
MOZAMBIQUE All right. (Lets Jesus get behind the boxes)
JESUS (Bends the cards down the spine professionally and deals smoothly) If we get someone, you know how to cheat on me.
MOZAMBIQUE It’s all cheating, ain’t it?
JESUS (Sighs) You see me turning asking her (Referring to Cleo) about some shit, you take a peak at the unturned card.
(Demonstrates) See what I’m saying? Make ’em think that you got a winner. You bet on the wrong card, understand?
MOZAMBIQUE I got you.
JESUS (Loudly, while shuffling the aces) What is that—fifty you won off me?!
MOZAMBIQUE (Betting) Just put the cards down. I’m on a streak.
JESUS (Shuffling) Lady, ain’t your husband and kids going hungry? Don’t you got to go?
MOZAMBIQUE Feeding time is right here! Leave when I’m good and done with you. (Continues betting) Deal!
Two teenage boys dressed in heavy metal gear pass slowly, playing a ghetto blaster. Along with Cleo and George, they watch the card game awhile.
JESUS (To Cleo) You looking out for cops? ’Cause the last cop wasn’t in uniform. (As he is talking to Cleo, Mozambique peaks at a downturned card, Teenage Boy #1 sees her do this but doesn’t glimpse at the card)
CLEO Yeah. I’m looking, just relax.
JESUS I get grabbed, you gonna get hurt.
CLEO I’m watching, I’m watching! (Looking up and down the block)
MOZAMBIQUE (Slams a folded dollar down) I’m putting twenty on this.
TEENAGE BOY #1 Hold on! Me too! (Struggling to pull out money)
JESUS (Waits for Teenage Boy #1 to put down the twenty and turns over the card) Turn it over, red rover. (She does) It’s a sin, but I win. (Takes the twenty from Teenage Boy #1 and the folded bill from Mozambique, George jumps up and down, then stops, repressing his joy)
MOZAMBIQUE SHIT! How’d—
TEENAGE BOY #1 Fuck! (To Mozambique) What happened? (Mozambique shrugs)
JESUS Put it down, see it round. (Deals again)
MOZAMBIQUE (Excitedly puts another folded dollar on a card) This one! (Flips it over)
JESUS Wrong card. (With two cards still concealed, Jesus flips one over and then exchanges them slowly back and forth) Pick one. Win two!
TEENAGE BOY #1 (To Teenage Boy #2) It’s that one, man!
JESUS Just show me twenty and it’s yours.
TEENAGE BOY #1 Lend me your twenty!
TEENAGE BOY #2 No way! You already lost your money.
JESUS Just show me your twenty, you got forty.
TEENAGE BOY #1 I saw it, man. Forty!
GEORGE Just show it.
JESUS I’m not taking any money from you, son, I just need to see that you got it.
MOZAMBIQUE (To Teenage Boy #1) He just got to see it. Show it to him and you get forty bucks.
WALKING PEDDLER (Enters with a refrigerator box) Want to buy a free living room?
TEENAGE BOY #1 I got a rec room in Poughkeepsie, thanks.
WALKING PEDDLER (To Jesus) Rec room?
JESUS Can’t you see we’re busy here, asshole?
CLEO He needs one. (Points at Anthony) Walking Peddler wakes Anthony up, then Anthony pays him with Cleo’s bra that he was using as a pillow. Walking Peddler gives him the large box and exits. Anthony curls back up in the box.
JESUS Hey, if you ain’t betting, move on and give someone else a chance.
TEENAGE BOY #2 (To Teenage Boy #1) You better fucking be right!
TEENAGE BOY #1 You’ll get forty and I’ll get my money back.
(Teenage Boy #2 holds up the twenty, Jesus turns over the card)
JESUS You lose, fools!
DEALER (Dashes up to Jesus with a pistol, trembling) Give me my fuckin’ shit—NOW!
Dealer steps even closer to Jesus and conceals the gun. Cleo turns to George and mouths the word “run.” George shakes his head.
JESUS Everybody stay cool! (Slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of joints and hands it to Dealer) It’s cool, see. No harm done. (Dealer keeps his pistol pointed at Jesus)
TEENAGE BOY #2 (To Dealer) Man, we don’t know this dude. We got to go. (Keeping their twenty, they move away slowly and then rush off)
JESUS I would’ve paid if you waited your ass a minute.
DEALER (Grabs the money Jesus is holding and smashes him across his head with the pistol) I ever see your ass again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you. (Runs off)
GEORGE (To Jesus, who is bent over holding his head) You all right?
JESUS No, I feel like this. (Punches George in the chest) You owe me forty now!
GEORGE Me?
CLEO (Murmuring) Told you to go.
JESUS (Smacks George again) You got something in common with that maricon! You both took my money. ’Cept you’re fucking worse, ’cause I was good to you.
GEORGE You just got twenty. That was the deal.
JESUS What really pisses me off is you musta stuck your faggot hands in my underwear to get—
GEORGE No way, man! It musta come loose, ’cause I came in late and saw you asleep. I tried to wake you up. See, I saw the money on the edge of your bed and I knew someone was gonna snatch it. So I took it just to hold onto it for you.
JESUS And the crucifix.
GEORGE Yeah.
JESUS Bullshit! (Hits him again) So tell me something, asshole. The six dollars that’ll cost you your life, what’d you do with it?
GEORGE I just wanted to get out of here.
JESUS (To the others) A six-dollar trip, wow!
MOZAMBIQUE Don’t fucking lie to the man. You bought a bottle with that money.
GEORGE That’s the only place I can go for six bucks.
JESUS There’s the morgue. (Punches the dumpster) FUCK!
MOZAMBIQUE (Pathetically attempting to play a three-card monte) Hey, come on. We still got a deal. (Shouts out) There’s more where that came from, folks!
JESUS That drug-dealing motherfucker took my money. Can’t monte without money.
MOZAMBIQUE Well, I’m sure gonna try. (Loudly) Keep your eyes on the red. Show me the red for free. Come on. Show and tell me. (Tries, but she clearly lacks the dexterity)
CLEO Honey, this just ain’t a woman’s game.
JESUS (Shoves George in front of the crowd, knocking him into them) Keep fucking begging!
GEORGE Pardon me, man—
MALE VOICE #11 Watch where you’re going!
GEORGE (To the crowd) Spare any change? Please help me! (Shifts from frustration to rage, singling out individuals) Fuck this! I didn’t make you ugly, I didn’t make you dumb, I didn’t fuck up your life. Y’all better than me, so you fuckin’ owe me something!
JESUS (Jumps up) Hey! Don’t do it like that. Do it right. Or I’ll fucking kill you!
GEORGE Right’s not working.
JESUS You beg them right. ’Cause I will fucking kill you. (Grabs George’s neck and squeezes it)
GEORGE Okay! (Breaks free and closes his eyes) Spare any change? Have a good day. Spare any change? Thanks anyways …
A junkie slowly stumbles up, blocking George’s path, and starts nodding out.
JESUS (Goes right up to the ear of the addict and screams) HEY!! Die somewhere else.
JUNKIE (Fading as he talks) I have a right as an American citizen … to stand wherever I fuckin’ want. It says in the Constitution of the United States that I—(Nods out)
JESUS Here’s your fucking rights as an American. (Grabs him and runs him offstage, we hear a car screeching) Back to work, asshole.
GEORGE Spare any change? Have a good day. Spare any change? Have a good day. Spare any change? Have a good day. Spare any change? Have a good day? (As he speaks faster, the pace of the puppets increases) Spare any day? Have any change.
JESUS (Angrily) Keep it up. Go on, test me, you think I’m fooling.
(George resumes begging properly)
CLEO (To Mozambique) Do you know what I miss more than anything else? My TV. Me and my mom—we watched TV for fifteen years and didn’t do nothing else. Tell you something too, I loved every minute of it. ’Cause if we ever got bored—
MOZAMBIQUE Just change the channel.
CLEO Yeah, but TV just got too good. Sucked Ma right in. More she watched, more she just faded. And we’d never turn it off. Fall asleep in front of it. Wake up and just keep watching it. Eat and crap at commercials. Then she took sick and that greasy-ass hotel manager ambulanced her away. He was always trying to get us to lower the volume. She passed right on into TV land. And I got tossed out. Clicked off and unplugged. Remember the Friday-night line-up a couple years ago—
MOZAMBIQUE I had them fucking Jersey boys, didn’t I? The second boy lost his second twenty. If that dealer didn’t come we woulda—
CLEO Just like that old man this morning. It’s harder and harder finding fools who aren’t wise to three-card monte. You should go to the shells. That’s the latest rage, you know.
Man #6 walks through reading a newspaper, holding a half-eaten sandwich, which he tosses into the open dumpster. George retrieves it and starts eating.
JESUS HEY! (Grabs the sandwich from George)
GEORGE Come on. I’m starving here.
JESUS (Smacks George, then gobbles the remainder down) Ought to kill you and eat you. Beg, asshole. Beg! Beg!
MAN #6 (Inspects George’s store) How much for this? (Points at the dildo)
GEORGE That’s—
JESUS That’s mine—ten bucks.
MAN #6 Forget it.
GEORGE How ’bout four. (Man #6 hesitates) What’s four bucks? ’Bout three tokens, two bags of cans. Pocket full of pennies, right?
MAN #6 Let me think about it. (Goes to Cleo’s store, picks up a key on a long brass chain)
CLEO That was the pass key at the old Cherokee Hotel on 24th Street. Remember the old Cherokee? (Sings a mock—Native American chant, tapping her hand over her mouth; Man #6 shakes his head no) Mary Astor used to stay there whenever she was in town. Oh! And this was Tallulah Bankhead’s cigarette lighter. (Picks it up and lights it)
MAN #6 (Doubtful) Sure.
CLEO (Hands him the lighter and points) Read that inscription.
MAN #6 (Reads aloud) “Dear Tally, I’ll never forget our wondrous night of love and bubbles—” I can’t read the rest of it.
CLEO The rest was too personal—I had to scratch it out.
MAN #6 (Chuckles) Okay, how much is it?
CLEO It was seventeen-fifty, but today’s Miss Bankhead’s birthday so it’s on sale for a buck.
MAN #6 Take two. (Gives Cleo two dollars)
GEORGE (Waving the dildo) Two bucks. Just two.
MAN #6 It’s not the money. Please take that thing away from my face. (Exits)
CLEO (Gives the two dollars to Jesus) To the George Regan relief fund. (George starts exiting)
JESUS (Grabs George) Where the fuck you going?!
GEORGE I kept my side of the deal! That dealer stole your money and you already beat the hell out of me. I’m done: two from him, the two I gave you before, two bucks for the sandwich. I’m all paid up, six bucks. That’s what I took.
JESUS You don’t get it. In fact, it ain’t even about payback. Now I just own you, see. You’re my own private little nigger.
GEORGE Fuck you.
JESUS Think I’m kidding? (Steps close) Leave and I’ll kill you. And you wouldn’t be my first, neither. (George looks away hopelessly)
CLEO (To George softly) If’n I really was a strong man, I’d—Well, this is why I hate what I am. Not so much ’cause I don’t look like how I feel, but because I look so big and strong, and I just ain’t. And everyone’s just disappointed in me. I’m sorry for what I did and for what I am.
JESUS (To Cleo, amused) My bitch can’t talk to anyone now. She’s making Daddy some money. Tricks time. (Shoves George back to the crowd)
GEORGE Spare any change?
Suddenly a car screeches to a halt. Jesus and George rush off. Mozambique deliberately drops Jesus’s knife on George’s store so she won’t be caught with it. The two plainclothes cops from earlier reenter. Cleo tries to hastily pack up her store.
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) Leave it! Leave it!
GALLO Fucking pigeons. Loud noise they fly away. Turn around, they’re back on the ground.
COP #2 (Looks at Mozambique, then at George’s store) And after I warned you?
MOZAMBIQUE I’s just minding my own business.
COP #2 This ain’t your shit?
GALLO (To Cleo) What are you doing, hon?
CLEO I’m sorry, officer, I’m done for good. Won’t see me here ever again. (Collects her things) Never, ever, never.
COP #2 (Picks up the dildo) Probably lose this thing inside you, huh?
MOZAMBIQUE (Muttering) Fucking son of a—
GALLO What’d she say?
MOZAMBIQUE I didn’t say nothing.
COP #2 Come on, you won’t need to use that no more. Your boyfriend wants to see you. (Handcuffs Mozambique)
MOZAMBIQUE Officer, please, I swear to almighty God. They’s ain’t mines, man.
CLEO I can vouch for her. That ain’t hers.
Cop #2 pushes Mozambique offstage toward the unmarked car.
MOZAMBIQUE (To Cleo) Take care of yourself.
GALLO (Amused, to Cop #2) This one can vouch for that one. (To Cleo) And what earthling can vouch for you?
Cleo’s almost entirely packed as Gallo casually stomps on the remaining items of her store.
CLEO Please, officer, those are my personal effects. I do have rights!
GALLO They ain’t no one’s no more. (Picks up some of her clothes and tears them apart)
CLEO Please, they’re my life! I don’t got nothing else but my mom’s clothes—
GALLO (Claps his hands) Fly away, bird.
CLEO Officer, you don’t understand, I—
GALLO You want to join big bad Mama?
CLEO No, but these are mines and—
GALLO You people pull this crap out of the garbage or you steal it. Let’s see some ID.
CLEO I don’t have any.
GALLO Then you’re coming downtown.
CLEO Wait, I have this, my hospital ID card. (Gallo looks at it) But, but—
GALLO Claude, what’ll happen to your butt after four days in lockup? Now take a walk, Big Bird, or you’re going into a big cage.
(Cleo starts to walk away, but Gallo grabs the belongings out of her hands)
CLEO (Screams) No! Those are my things!
GALLO Let go or you’re under arrest.
CLEO (Fitfully) Where am I suppose to go? Those are my things!
Gallo tears up the rest of Cleo’s clothes as George reenters with Jesus close behind. While Gallo is busy, Jesus snatches his knife off the ground.
GALLO Claude, I’m giving you a break here. Go home, like everyone else.
CLEO But I don’t have a home.
COP #2 Get a fucking job, like everyone else.
CLEO But I don’t—I’m not like anyone else!
George starts to walk away. Jesus grabs him, holding him around the neck like a buddy.
JESUS Hang cool! It’s all right, man, we’ll work it out. (Grabs George’s arm, George resists, struggling to stay near the cops)
GALLO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
CLEO What will I … (Starts to exit, crying)
GALLO This is not funny. We tell you to leave and ten minutes later you’re back. This is the third time today. I got every shop-keeper on the street complaining that people steal their merchandise and clients. Any of you assholes here again, you’re going downtown. (Sees Anthony, still asleep inside the refrigerator box) Oh, looky here at what Santa left us. (Stomps on the side of the box)
ANTHONY Hey! Stop! Fuck! Stop! Maricon.
GALLO Afternoon wake-up call. (Anthony crawls out, coughing and holding his gut) Want to sleep? Go to a hotel. MOVE IT!
Anthony limps away, exits. Jesus whispers into George’s ear intimately, George struggles to get away.
GEORGE I ain’t no fuckin’ slave. (Breaks free, runs to the cops) Arrest me. I raped a Burger King manager in Baltimore.
JESUS Me too, I shot President Kennedy. (Gallo looks at them in amused disbelief)
GEORGE That was my store, not hers. (Pointing toward Mozambique offstage)
JESUS How do you get into the Police Academy? I want to become a cop.
GALLO (Losing all patience) FUCKING WALK! NOW! I’LL ARREST THE BOTH OF YOU!
GEORGE I ain’t foolin’, I did it.
JESUS He’s poquito loco. I’ll take him, officer.
GEORGE No, he’s going to kill me!
JESUS (Joking) Yeah, I’m a convicted murderer.
GEORGE Keep the fuck away from me. (While Jesus laughs, they struggle, finally George runs off)
JESUS Wait up, pal. Hold on a sec—
Jesus exits. Gallo exits. All we see is the revolving crowd. We hear sirens commence and then fade. After a moment, George races back into the scene.
GEORGE I paid you. Leave me the fuck alone.
JESUS (Enters, pursuing George) You don’t get it, I own your ass!
GEORGE Fuck you, man! I played this shit long enough. What the fuck you gonna do? (Jesus hits him) Beat me up, then. But you ain’t going to kill me on the street for six bucks.
JESUS (Amused) I’m not? How come?
GEORGE You ain’t that stupid.
JESUS Oh shit! You don’t think I got the guts. You think this is all jive, don’t you?
GEORGE I’m just saying you ain’t stupid.
JESUS And that I don’t have the guts. Say it!
GEORGE Look, I ain’t even somebody, I’m done. I’m rubbed out. So you can’t kill me, ’cause I’m not nothing. (Raises his hands and begins to walk away) Jesus throws George against the wall next to the dumpster. He pulls out his knife and stabs George repeatedly in the stomach. George screams, but Jesus puts his hand over George’s mouth.
JESUS Muthafucka! Now whose got the guts?!
GEORGE No! Help—hel—
MALE VOICE #12 What’s going on here?
JESUS (Turns, waving the bloody knife) Come here and find out, you fuck.
MALE VOICE #12 Calm down, man. It ain’t my business, man.
George tries to crawl away. Jesus shoves him behind the dumpster and keeps stabbing him, out of view. Finally, covered in blood, Jesus runs off. Anthony enters. George’s legs still kick behind the dumpster. He tries to lift himself up and speak, but falls back down behind the dumpster and dies.
ANTHONY (Looking behind the dumpster) Ambulancia! Ambulancia! Pronto, pronto!
FEMALE VOICE #11 What’s happened?
MALE VOICE #13 What’s going on there? My God, look at all the blood. Did he do it?
ANTHONY Not me, no. (Nervously exits)
The crowd carousel stops and a din of frantic voices drown out any particular one. In the distance we hear sirens. Fade to black.