In memory of Ross Alexander,
a playwright and a generous mentor
Rent Control was first produced at Nada, on 166 Ludlow Street in New York City, on October 16, 1992.
| Cameron | Bonnie Burgess | |||
| Ted | Mark Farnsworth | |||
| Ossip | Steve Roberts | |||
| Jake | Alex Cobo | |||
| Officer | Gallo Mary Kowalski | |||
| Director | Mark Farnsworth | |||
| Carpenter | Michael Granville | |||
| Stage Manager | David Rosenthal |
Production Note: If the stage has a trap door, a frame of wood that appears to be the floor can be fitted over it for the floor demolition. Otherwise the demolition can appear to take place behind a sofa so that the floor scenes are obscured from audience view. A small section of plasterboard sbould be framed over some part of the wall so that it can be stripped away. Lastly, a large abstract painting—one that should require no talent to paint—should be composed of colors that are reflective of the clothes Ted, Cameron, and Ossip are wearing.
The Taser gun can be simply made by gluing wires to a rubber-tipped toy dart gun. In order to assure the adhesion of the dart, Ted should press the gun against Ossip so he can hold the wired dart when Ted pulls the trigger.
ACT ONE
The entire play takes place on the single set of a bachelor’s attractive living room. There’s an expensive collection of cigarette lighters prominently displayed. Ted is wearing his business suit after a day’s work. The play begins as he opens the front door. When he flicks on a switch, bright lights glare and loud music blares. He lowers the volume and helps Cameron take off her coat.
CAMERON Wow! What a place. Are you sure your parents don’t live here?
TED If they do, I don’t know anything about it.
CAMERON So this is Westminster Abbey or—What’s the name of this building again? The Buckingham Palace?
TED Windsor Castle.
CAMERON (Gazing at the view out an imaginary window downstage) Oh, I can actually see the river—it’s so sensual. (Ted sits down casually) Now, you said you were just going to get another jacket and we were out of here.
TED But look! (Pointing out the window) It’s definitely going to rain.
CAMERON Even if it’s raining, let’s go back to the bar. I want to get drunk as a skunk and not remember a thing of what I’m going to do.
TED (Going to his bar) What d’you drink?
CAMERON Ummm—Diet Coke with a twist of citrus skin.
TED I thought you wanted to get skunk drunk.
CAMERON You know what I could really go for now?
TED Tell me.
CAMERON A bite, I’m ravished.
TED Fine. How about some Chinese food?
CAMERON That would be perfect.
TED I know a good place that delivers.
CAMERON Actually, Chinese is so ordinary, isn’t it? Let’s go out for something exotic, like, I don’t know, Croation.
TED (Picking up a phone book) Restaurants—where did you come up with that idea?
CAMERON There was a place in Marseilles I would go to when I was studying.
TED (Flips through the phone book) Studying what?
CAMERON Acting. I’m an actress.
TED Why does anyone become an actress? It seems more an insecurity than a profession.
CAMERON Please, let’s not go into it.
TED (Finally finding a restaurant listed) Croatian. One that delivers. Bingo! I love New York.
CAMERON (Abruptly) I’m not hungry anymore.
TED You certainly are an impulse slave.
CAMERON Know what I’d really like?
TED Just say it.
CAMERON I’d like to bring you back to my apartment so I can get some sexy lingerie.
TED Sexy lingerie? Wow!
CAMERON Why wow?
TED I don’t know, I just met you. You’re going a bit fast for me.
CAMERON Well, you said it yourself, I’m impulsive.
TED What size are you?
CAMERON Eight, why?
Ted leaves the room. She slips one of his antique cigarette lighters in her purse. He returns with a suitcase filled with sexy lingerie, which he opens before her.
TED Voilà! All in size eight.
CAMERON (Holding them up, one at a time) Where the hell did you get this?! What kind of person are you?
TED It’s not what you think. A friend of mine from Winnipeg sells them retail. This is his sample case.
CAMERON Oh. Well, what don’t you have?
TED A beautiful woman who loves me.
CAMERON That’s not really what you want, is it?
TED It’s central.
CAMERON (Sarcastic) Sex is a wonderful gesture of love.
TED I suppose it can be.
CAMERON A big handsome brute like you, a showy place like this—you must win over a lot of the ladies.
TED Just you, I’ve been waiting for you.
CAMERON (Antagonistically) Where’d you read that, The Cinderella Complex? You don’t have to make me feel special.
TED Why do I have this strange feeling that something’s off?
CAMERON What’s off? You’re the guy.
TED What does that mean?
CAMERON Well, you’re kind of the one in control. I haven’t read about any recent cases of female rapists or murderers. Ted Bundy wasn’t a woman. And your name’s Ted.
TED (Sighs) What was your original question? Have I had a lot of ladies up here? I’ve had my share.
CAMERON How many is your share?
TED A harem load.
CAMERON Any boys in that harem?
TED What’s the matter?
CAMERON Nothing.
TED Why do I sense hostility?
CAMERON Hostility? (Smiles) I have no reason to be hostile. You’ve never impregnated me, or screwed and then dumped me, or harassed me on the street.
TED And I’d be disgusted with any guy that would.
CAMERON Asking if you’ve ever slept with guys during these plague years is a fair question.
TED I suppose it is.
CAMERON Maybe I did feel a bit insecure, though. I mean, I approached you and picked you up. That puts me at a disadvantage.
TED Oh, don’t—
CAMERON Then, soon as I came in, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off—
TED Oh, don’t—
CAMERON—and looked at the place all excited, like I was the first, last, and only girl you brought here. And maybe you thought that I thought that maybe if I can please you, all this can be mine—
TED Oh no I didn’t. I mean, that really didn’t occur to me.
CAMERON In New York, an attractive apartment is very thrilling.
TED I know.
CAMERON I just feel uncomfortable being in your place and all. Do you have a car?
TED No.
CAMERON If you take me by cab to the Brooklyn Bridge right now—I’m not sure why, but if you take me there right this instant—(Gives him a gentle kiss on his lips)
TED I’ve got a balcony.
CAMERON This is different. When you climax it’s like being in heaven.
TED Climax? I’d probably fall into the river.
CAMERON Come on. It’ll be one of those nights that you’ll remember all your life. But we have to hurry. (Checks her watch) It’ll be something to remember when you’re in your office sweating like a pig.
TED (Starts carressing her) I really don’t want to go out.
CAMERON Why not?
TED I don’t know. I can just see something weird happening, like getting mugged with my pants down. Something awful.
CAMERON I’ll protect you. Let’s go. (She rushes out the door; when he doesn’t follow, she returns a moment later) Teddy, have you ever made love in public?
TED No. That’s another thing. I don’t think I could be nude outside.
CAMERON Well, you can still be dressed. All you got to do is unzip.
(Unzips his zipper and kisses him again) You’ll be in complete control.
TED How do you mean?
CAMERON The more dressed person is always in control.
TED What’s this control thing?
CAMERON (Starts walking toward the door again) Let’s go.
TED (Makes a motion to go, but stops) But you know, when we first left the bar, you pretty strongly inferred that we’d do it.
CAMERON Yeah, outside. I expressly said outside.
TED Look, this really isn’t fair.
CAMERON (Sarcastically) ’Course not, you should be able to have sex with me. I should lie down submissively—
TED Hold it. You approached me. You bought me a beer. You flirted with me, and you suggested leaving the bar and going somewhere romantic.
CAMERON I didn’t think you’d try to fuck me in your apartment.
TED They’ve been doing it that way for years. (Angrily) Now I don’t want to anymore.
CAMERON Calm down. You’re taking all this too seriously. (She chuckles, then leans over, hugs and kisses his neck; he turns and tries to kiss her back) Whoa, cowboy! (Pulls away, and he sighs) Look, I feel bad about all this. It’s just that—how can I say it? Nowadays, one has to be—
TED It’s AIDS, isn’t it?
CAMERON Oh, right! AIDS!
TED Here. (Locates and holds up a framed document and a cigar box) I just got it back from the laminator. (She reads) Test negative. Also—(Opens the cigar box filled with condoms of all types) the Havana cigars of latex condoms. You won’t find a lambskin in there. Even though lambskin are more expensive, they’re semi-permeable. Also read that. (Points to the back of a condom)
CAMERON Spermicide additive?
TED State of the art. Nothing but the best. But just in case, I also have—(Pulls out a tube) Nonoxynol-9. The Dom Perignon of spermicides. (Slowly starts undoing his tie) I never had a gay experience. (Starts unbuttoning his shirt) Never had sex with an IV user—
CAMERON But you said we’d go—(There is a banging on the wall, it sounds as if it’s from a neighboring apartment) All I want—
(Banging intensifies) is to go for a walk. What is that?
TED Neighbors. It’s dangerous out there. (She starts getting worried, he gets closer and more comforting) You’re not from the city, are you?
CAMERON No. Let’s get out of here—
TED (Starts unbuttoning her blouse) After the rain stops.
The banging grows louder, then we hear a muffled voice.
OSSIP (Offstage) Keep it down!
TED Dare they be referring to us?
CAMERON (Sighs, resigned) Who knows? This is New York.
TED I came from Oregon in 1983. Portland. But I’m originally from California.
CAMERON My parents moved out here in the 1960s from Lowell, Mass.
OSSIP (Offstage) Stop the damned noise! I’m trying to sleep!
TED They’re talking about us! I can’t believe it. I paid a quartermillion for this place, only to have some asshole move next door—
CAMERON Take it easy. I don’t think it’s coming from next door.
They both listen in suspense.
OSSIP (Offstage) Keep down that damned racket! I’m trying to sleep!
TED SO GO TO SLEEP, ASSHOLE!
OSSIP (Offstage) I can’t!
TED SO IT AIN’T MY FAULT!
OSSIP (Offstage) You’re keeping me up!
TED TRY SLEEPING PILLS!
OSSIP (Offstage) I don’t take pills!
TED Do you hear this guy?
CAMERON DRINK WARM MILK AND MAKE THE FIGURE EIGHT WITH YOUR PUPILS!
OSSIP (Distant, hollering) I DON’T HAVE PUPILS!
CAMERON Just ignore him.
TED I can’t.
CAMERON Let’s go out.
TED I’m not going to be chased out of my own apartment.
OSSIP (Banging on the door) Open this door!
TED (Panicky) Oh shit!
CAMERON Where’s the back door?! I’m getting out of here.
TED (Nervously zipping up his pants and buttoning his shirt) Take it easy. This is a civilized building. (Grabs a tennis racket and throws open the door; a fiery orthodox Jewish man is standing there in a bathrobe, holding a white tool bag) Who are you?
OSSIP (Steps in and drops the tool bag) I am your downstairs neighbor trying to get some sleep.
TED You live in this building?
OSSIP And why not?
TED I just thought of this as a young person’s building.
OSSIP Great, you insult me twice in a row, and you’ll probably live directly above me until I die. There goes the golden peace of my old age. (Enters, inspecting the living room until he comes to Cameron) Who are you, the wife?
CAMERON No.
OSSIP Well, account for yourself!
TED Look, what’s the problem?
CAMERON You’re from that fanatical sect that has all those sexist prayers like, “Thank God I’m not a woman.”
Ossip ignores them both. He walks around the living room, continuing to inspect it.
TED Was the music too loud?
OSSIP Calm down.
TED What was keeping you awake?
OSSIP I was awake from the word go, I never go to sleep anymore. The last good night’s sleep I got was in 1967. (Heads to the window) My God, you can’t even see Broadway from here anymore. Downstairs I can see right to the El on the Bowery.
CAMERON The what?
OSSIP I mean, I can see the Bowery.
While Ossip looks out the window, Cameron steals another lighter and slips it into her purse. Surreptitiously, throughout the play, she continues to steal small objects and bric-a-brac from Ted’s apartment.
TED The Bowery, you mean the avenue?
OSSIP Sure.
TED Wait a second. (Points out the window) That building is blocking your view.
OSSIP No it isn’t.
TED It blocks the view for me, and you live below me. Explain that!
CAMERON (With coat in hand) We were just about to go for a walk. So you can go back downstairs and sleep.
TED No we weren’t.
Cameron tosses her coat on the sofa.
OSSIP (To Cameron) You had your chance. It’s too late now.
TED Too late!? Look, I’m sorry. What’s your name?
OSSIP Ossip Bergman.
CAMERON You sure you’re not related to the director Ingmar Bergman?
OSSIP I said no.
TED She never asked you that.
CAMERON Yeah, I never asked you that.
OSSIP Everybody asks me. I’m sorry, dear, you didn’t ask me, but please. Please don’t ask me again. (Sighs) I’m sorry, but I have sensitivity. See, my family changed their name from Bergofsky to Bergman because German Jews were regarded more highly than Russian Jews when they got here and—
(Notices the sofa) You want some unsolicited advice, maybe?
TED Not right now—
OSSIP Move this couch over there. A key improvement. You help me.
Cameron grabs one side of the sofa and shoves it with him. At the same time, someone begins banging from downstairs.
TED Hey, what is this?
OSSIP It’s okay. That’s just my wife, Irma. (Screams) I LOVE YOU TOO, IRM! (The banging stops)
CAMERON Shouldn’t the coffee table be moved if you’re going to move that? (She moves it)
TED (Muttering) I don’t believe this.
OSSIP And that lamp table.
CAMERON Just try it. It’ll look a lot better.
TED Stop it! You must go now.
CAMERON Okay. (Rises to go)
TED Not you, him!
OSSIP Me?
TED (Grabs Ossip and escorts him to the door) I’ll keep quieter, and see you at the next tenant’s meeting.
OSSIP Oh, you think the noise was keeping me up? No, it wasn’t that. It was the leak.
TED The leak?
OSSIP Yes, drip drop, drip drop, right on my bed.
TED Where’s the leak?
OSSIP On my head.
TED Look, show me where in this apartment there’s a leak!
OSSIP I don’t know, let me see. Can it be in here? (Walks into the bedroom, offstage)
TED What’s the idea, helping him push my furniture around?
CAMERON If we amuse him maybe he’ll leave.
OSSIP (Offstage) You know, this bed would look a lot better against that wall.
We hear furniture being moved in the bedroom and a vase shatters.
TED Shit! Call the police. This guy’s loony.
CAMERON They’d just laugh. He’s a lonely old man. Talk to him.
OSSIP (Offstage) No leak in here. (Reentering, he taps on the floor with his shoe like a prospector)
TED So, where is it?
OSSIP I’m trying to remember. (The pounding from below resumes) YES, IT’S OKAY, IRMA! I’M THINKING ABOUT YOU, DEAR! I’m trying to remember what my apartment used to look like.
TED This isn’t your apartment. You live downstairs. That’s why you don’t recognize it.
OSSIP I know that, you nitwit! My apartment is completely different from yours. It’s half the size. And (Points to Ted’s living room) this gas jet over here—
CAMERON This what jet?
OSSIP It’s capped now, but this was the kitchen. And the bathtub was in the hall.
CAMERON In your hall?
OSSIP I mean, it is there.
TED Your bathtub is in the hallway?
OSSIP Yes. (Looking confused) We shared it with the Morris family. We’d boil the water—the girl’s hour was always longer. It was very uncomfortable for us.
CAMERON The girl’s hour?
TED How many of you are there?
OSSIP Well, there’s Ira, Sarah, Moishe, Abe. Abe was born here, and Lydia—
CAMERON (Whispering) He’s senile.
OSSIP Fifteen, including Mom, Dad, and Grandpa.
TED What?
CAMERON Your parents are dead.
TED How do you know?
OSSIP That’s right, Miss Know-it-all. Jehovah doesn’t bless everyone with death.
CAMERON (Under her breath) Shame you’re not among the blessed.
TED Look, whatever-your-name-is—
OSSIP Ossip. Call me Ozzie. (Shakes Ted’s hand)
TED Ossip, it’s late. I’ve got to go to sleep.
OSSIP Oh fine, fine. And I’m supposed to just go home.
TED Irma obviously wants you back. Now come on.
OSSIP And what about the waterfall coming down on my head? Am I supposed to grow gills and ignore it?
TED What?
CAMERON So you’ve got a leak. You didn’t make that clear.
OSSIP Yes I did. I said that. I got cats and dogs is what I’ve got. I got the urge to collect animals in pairs. Now, I don’t want to hurt your floor. (Pulls a claw hammer out of a tool bag)
TED You’re damned right! That’s a five-thousand-dollar floor.
OSSIP I swear I won’t hurt your floor. (Hands Ted a business card) I was an A-one contractor/carpenter/plumber for fifty-odd years. I can rip up a floor, repair a pipe, and put the floor back as if it’s never been disturbed.
TED Well, I’m sorry, but—
OSSIP (Suddenly begins tapping the floorboards with the claw of the hammer) It’s somewhere around here.
TED (Rushes forward, pulling Ossip’s arms behind his back) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
CAMERON (Pushing Ted off Ossip) My God! He’s an old man! Be gentle with him.
TED Look what he did to my floor. (Gently rubs the floor)
OSSIP All right, all right, get off me. I’ll stop.
There is a knock at the door.
CAMERON I’ll get it.
TED It’s my home! I’ll get it. Get your things and get out. Both of you.
CAMERON But honeee—
TED This whole evening has been a little disorienting. Another night, please. (Ossip and Cameron collect their respective belongings and exchange odd glances; Ted opens his door and sees a stranger in a bathrobe similar to Ossip’s) Now who are you, the son?
JAKE (Extends his hand) My name’s Jake. I’m your downstairs neighbor. I have to go to work in a couple hours, and—
CAMERON (Cringing) Oh God, Ozzie!
TED Wait just a goddamned second! (Turns just as Ossip is charging them with the hammer)
OSSIP (Screaming) AHHHHHHH! I’LL SMITE YOU BOTH!
TED Watch it!
Ted and Jake jump into the hall. Cameron slams the door and locks it. Ted bangs on the door, demanding to be let back in.
CAMERON Quick! Rip open the floor.
OSSIP Oh, what’s the point? They’re right out there.
CAMERON Half a million dollars, asshole. My budget! (Grabs the hammer and begins whacking at the floor)
OSSIP Hey! Look what you’re doing to the poor boy’s floor. Stop it!
(Grabs the hammer from her)
CAMERON Look, asshole, you don’t seem to understand. He’s calling the police.
OSSIP That might be so. But that’s not the right place.
CAMERON Where is it? We don’t have all night.
OSSIP Okay, push the furniture this way (Points upstage) so’s I can remember what it used to look like. And clear that garbage off the walls.
They pile everything in the corner so that Ossip might remember his home of years gone by. At some point they inadvertently pull the phone wire out of the wall.
CAMERON I can’t believe you said that thing about Ingmar Bergman.
OSSIP I was sick of you needling me. (Mimicking her) Are you related to Bergman? Are you sure you don’t know the amazing Bergman?
CAMERON The girl’s hour was longer. Oh! And then you can see the Third Avenue El from your window. That was a classic. The El was torn down in the ’20s or something.
OSSIP (Focusing on the layout of the space) Shusssh! I’m not even sure this is the right apartment.
CAMERON You’re kidding, right? You’re just saying that to aggravate me.
OSSIP No. I’m just not sure. It’s been over two of your lifetimes since I’ve been here. They reconfigured the place several times. (Points downstage) Over here used to be the neighbor’s dwelling. Our place used to be narrower, and then that wall wasn’t there. And that was a small closet in the room where my grandparents lived. Thick velvet drapes with gilded tassels framing the entrance. It was like entering a sacred shrine. We weren’t permitted in there.
CAMERON Great, you’ll get off for insanity. I’ll end up at the women’s correctional facility.
OSSIP Oh, tell me you’ve never been there before, why don’t you.
CAMERON You had me pick this guy up at the bar, and you weren’t even sure this is the right apartment?
OSSIP I’m fallible. So strike me down. It’s over half a century. Wars, famine, pestilence have swept the earth since I’ve been here. Please.
CAMERON I can’t believe I got suckered into this.
OSSIP (Tapping a plasterboard wall) Is there brick behind this wall or is it another apartment? ’Cause we lived against an exposed brick wall.
CAMERON How the hell should I know?
OSSIP Open my bag and plug that extension cord in the wall.
She pulls an extension cord out of his bag and plugs it in, as he pulls out a stud finder and checks carefully for what might be behind the wall. After a moment, he takes a small jackhammer out of the bag and plugs it into the extension cord. Whenever she talks, he turns the jackhammer on, so she has to shout, and whenever he talks, he turns it off. Carefully he rips open a small square in the wall.
CAMERON (Hammer on, she yells) You can’t do a thing right!
OSSIP Me?! You were supposed to keep him out of the house. Not bring him back. A simpler task can’t be requested.
CAMERON (Hammer on) He wanted to change his jacket! It was about to rain. You weren’t supposed to come here yet.
OSSIP You were supposed to be the sexy one—the great seductress. Experienced! Ha. I’ll tell you what I think. I think you lost your sex.
CAMERON (Hammer on) If that’s an insult, I’m not crying! Pig-males chewing on me isn’t my idea of something to strive for.
OSSIP So if you couldn’t interest him in you womanliness, what were you doing with him for the past hour, playing mahjong?!
CAMERON (Hammer on) At least I’m not so insecure that I have to spend my time praying. (Mimics his accent) Thank you, God, I’m not a woman.
OSSIP I’m no—
CAMERON I know all about your customs: the sheet with the glory hole in it.
There’s now a big opening in the wall with raw red brick behind it. Ossip puts down the jackhammer.
OSSIP Bingo! This is the apartment. And by the way, I’m not Hasidic. If you leave the Hasids alone, I promise they will leave you alone.
CAMERON You’re still a nasty bastard.
OSSIP Sewer mouth.
CAMERON (Suddenly notices) He stopped banging.
OSSIP I don’t think he exactly gave up. He’s probably dialing the police.
CAMERON Come on. We’ve trashed his place. Tell me this is it.
OSSIP (Sniffing the hole in the wall deeply) Come here, quick. Do you smell that?
CAMERON (Smelling the hole) Yeah, is it behind there?
OSSIP No, that’s old brick dust. I haven’t smelled that in years.
CAMERON Oh, thanks. (Blows her nose into a tissue)
OSSIP (Taking another deep sniff) That dust used to give me such asthma attacks as a child.
CAMERON If you hit any nostalgic asbestos, keep it to yourself.
OSSIP It was like living in a cave. The landlord violated the 1901 building codes! There were supposed to be interior windows. No sunlight here. I remember each May praying we’d move to a new place—
CAMERON Spare me the reminiscences. Where’d he hide the jewels?
OSSIP I can’t remember. (Points downward) Here somewhere.
CAMERON Just rip up the fucking floors!
OSSIP But they might be in the walls.
She grabs the jackhammer and tries to break a hole through the wall. Ossip takes it from her and carefully starts chopping into a single floorboard. She rolls up the rug, shoving everything into one big pile.
OSSIP We’d feel the floor rumble beneath our feet—
CAMERON And savor the brick dust, I know.
OSSIP—and hop up onto chairs. The reason we’d feel the floor rumble were the rats.
CAMERON Rats?
OSSIP Rats the size of dachshunds. With teeth. (Demonstrates with a snarl) Oy got!
CAMERON I should’ve brought my cat.
OSSIP I’m sure it’s okay now. Rats don’t like living around the rich.
CAMERON Okay, okay, keep cutting. (He resumes, and then stops again)
OSSIP Shame. (Rubbing the floor) Was a beautiful apartment. Poor man, whoever he is. (Removes several pieces of floorboard) Look at this hard wood—maple. You know what this goes for a foot?
CAMERON (Ignoring him) It’s open enough.
A glass shatters offstage.
OSSIP What’s that?
CAMERON He’s on the balcony! (She jumps as Ted enters from upstage)
TED What did you do to my apartment?! (Cameron dashes for the crowbar) Freeze!
Ted aims what appears to be a toy gun. Ossip and Cameron freeze, but after a moment they inspect it curiously.
CAMERON What the hell is that?
TED A Taser gun. It shoots wires on you and zaps you with 10,000 volts.
OSSIP A laser gun?
CAMERON He’s lying. Jump him!
OSSIP You jump him.
TED It’s called a Taser gun, with a T. Here’s the instructions.
Ted tosses a brochure, which they both inspect. Cameron slowly puts her hands back up, and then Ossip does too.
OSSIP How much did you pay for this?
CAMERON Where’d you get it, F.A.O. Schwarz?
TED Shut up, the both of you!
OSSIP (Puts his hands down) This is no joke, young man. You’re not going to electrocute two hapless people.
TED Try leaving and watch me.
OSSIP What do you want?
TED I want to know why you threw me out of my house and what the fuck you’ve done to the place. (Pauses) Talk!
OSSIP (Slowly rising) Look, young man, what’s your name?
CAMERON His name’s Teddy.
OSSIP Theodore, calm down. Put the weapons down and—
TED Stop right there. You think I’m fucking clowning around or something?
OSSIP I think no such thing.
TED You think I’m some fucking yuppie and can’t be as insane as any psycho?!
OSSIP (Repressing a smirk) I can see you’re a regular wild man from Borneo.
Cameron starts laughing. Ted grabs her by the arm and twists it behind her back while pointing the Taser at Ossip.
TED Laugh now!
CAMERON Hey! That hurts! OW!
OSSIP Now this is uncalled for!
TED Tell me what’s going on or I’ll break your arm, I swear.
CAMERON (In pain) Fuck you! (Ted bends her arm back further and she screams)
OSSIP There’s a treasure worth a million bucks buried somewhere here. Let the girl alone.
TED A million bucks?
OSSIP That’s a ballpark figure.
CAMERON You told him!
TED Where?
OSSIP (Makes a broad sweeping gesture) Well, in this general vicinity.
Ted lets Cameron go, pushing her toward Ossip.
CAMERON Big mouth.
OSSIP I was worried for you.
TED Shut up! You’re both insane. We’ll wait till the police get here.
CAMERON Did you ever here of the Bloody Sunday Revolution of Russia in 1905? It was a film.
TED Maybe.
CAMERON Well, gems were stolen by his uncle, who hid them down there over seventy years ago. Under the joints—
OSSIP The joists.
TED That’s the stupidest story I ever heard.
OSSIP (Muttering) I can tell you a bunch of them.
TED Where exactly was your uncle born?
OSSIP Pinsk.
TED (To her) That’s nowhere near Leningrad.
OSSIP Which reminds me of a joke—
CAMERON (Speaking to both) Look, there’s a simple way of solving this. Just stick your head down there and grab.
TED (Looking silently into the hole) I don’t see squat.
CAMERON Well, one of us has to go down there.
TED This is crazy.
CAMERON I’m not leaving without my budget.
TED The police will be taking you both away in a minute.
OSSIP I’ll make you a deal.
TED I don’t think you’re in any position to make a deal.
OSSIP Fine. The Russian govenrment has a legitimate claim to whatever’s down there. Fine. We want to see the police! We’ll tell them how you knowingly tried to keep all that for yourself.
CAMERON That’s at least ten years in the slammer.
TED Yeah, right. What do you suggest?
OSSIP My offer is we just forget all this ever happened. We’ll pack up, straighten things out, and leave.
TED Straighten things out?!
CAMERON Hold on here!
TED Look what you did to my apartment. You two are going to jail.
(Points the Taser at them)
CAMERON (To Ossip) Just hold it a second, captain. (To Ted) Put your hand down there. You’ll be able to buy every river view in this city.
TED What do you think, I’m crazy?
CAMERON If you make twenty thousand in four months, sixty thousand a year, that’s at least sixteen years of your life down there.
OSSIP (Astonished) I had no idea you were so sharp in math.
TED I don’t put my hand somewhere I can’t see. For all I know, there’s some kind of spring trap down there.
OSSIP Please let us go. We’ll be good.
CAMERON (To Ossip) We got this close! Don’t you want to know if it’s down there after all these years?
OSSIP You reach down there. I just want to leave.
CAMERON It’s your treasure.
TED He knows there’s nothing down there.
OSSIP I resent that! All right, I’ll reach down there. But then I’m keeping whatever I find. (Slowly rolls up his sleeve)
CAMERON Hold it!
TED You’ll do no such thing.
OSSIP Just watch me.
CAMERON We have a deal.
OSSIP (Sitting over the hole and looking into it) Deal’s off. You couldn’t even get him out of the house.
TED (Pointing the Taser sternly) Freeze, I swear it!
CAMERON Fry the bastard
Ossip ignores them, bending over the hole.
TED Stop where you are!
As Ossip’s about to reach into the hole, Ted shoots the Taser at him, giving him a quick electrical jolt. Ossip collapses into spasms.
OSSIP Oy vey ist mir!
CAMERON (Pulling Ossip’s head in her lap and rocking him) Hey! Look at the big hero! A regular Bernie Goetz, aren’t you? Are you okay, baby? (Ossip quivers)
TED Just back off. The both of you! Think I’m some yuppie stoolie?! Well, I warned you!
OSSIP (On the ground) May I go home now?
CAMERON (To Ossip) In a minute. (Angrily, to Ted) So you reach down there, big man.
TED Let me get this straight: If I put my hand down there, I’m going to grab a diamond tiara or a pearl necklace or something? Is that right?
CAMERON Yes, that’s right.
OSSIP I just want to go to bed.
CAMERON Now you reach down there, or I will.
TED And his uncle hid them down there years ago?
CAMERON I’ll reach down there.
TED I’m doing it. (About to, but suddenly stops) Why wouldn’t he reclaim it? How do you explain that?
CAMERON Maybe he died suddenly. Who knows?
TED And why the hell would he hide it in my apartment?
OSSIP He didn’t know some asshole with a Flash Gordon—type ray gun would be living here, is why.
CAMERON (Stepping forward) I’m going to do it! This coward is fucking around. Shoot me. Go ahead.
TED Stay away from that hole. (Points the gun at her, oblivious to the fact that its wire is still attached to Ossip)
CAMERON Either you reach into that hole or I will.
TED You can’t force me.
CAMERON Then I will.
TED Do it and I’ll shoot. I swear I’ll shoot. I’m convinced you’re both monsters.
OSSIP Be careful. He will!
CAMERON Big man when you want to fuck. But when it comes to doing something with a little balls, look at you.
She reaches into the hole. Ted shoots, causing Ossip to writhe in shock. She grabs Ossip again.
OSSIP Oy! Mein got!
CAMERON Are you okay?
OSSIP (Crying) No. My heart is in intense pain.
CAMERON Call an ambulance!
Ted tries to make a call, but amidst all the demolition, he finds his phone line has been yanked out of the wall.
TED I can’t! You pulled the phone out!
OSSIP (Labored breathing) I’m finding it very difficult to breath.
CAMERON (To Ossip) I’m sorry for being rude, but—
OSSIP (Reaching out before him) Lydia, are you out there? (His breathing becomes even more labored and raspy)
TED Can I get you water or something?
With some difficulty, Ossip shakes his head no. Cameron, who is growing increasingly agitated, suddenly thumps on Ossip’s chest. He yelps in pain.
TED Hey!
OSSIP (Gasping) Oh my! What the hell did you do that for?
CAMERON I thought it’d help. I saw it on TV.
OSSIP Please don’t ever do that again. (Cameron gently holds Ossip’s head in her lap as he struggles to breathe) In a way, it’s right.
TED What is?
OSSIP (Mumbling) The circa—
CAMERON What circus?
TED He said circle. What circle?
OSSIP The circle of life. Being born here, dying here.
CAMERON (Frenzied) You got to get an ambulance. What have you done? I’m getting out of here.
TED Just relax. Shit!
Ossip gestures for Ted to come close. Ted puts his ear to the older man’s mouth to listen. Cameron starts crying softly.
TED No, I can’t, I’m not going to. Do you hear me?
CAMERON What? (Ossip appears to die) DO SOMETHING!
Ted remains impassive. Cameron starts giving Ossip mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
TED Stop it!! (Pauses) STOP! (Pulls Cameron off Ossip)
CAMERON I’m trying to save him!
TED He had two requests before he died. The first was that we let him die here, peacefully. (Cameron cries while Ted stares at Ossip’s body) Is there some kind of Jewish prayer or something?
CAMERON (Pauses) Shalom. (Pauses) What was the other thing he wanted?
TED I can’t fucking believe this. I’m shaking. An old man has come to die in my living room.
CAMERON I’m sorry about the whole mess.
TED Everything is just going bust. I’m turning thirty this year, and—
CAMERON It’s okay.
TED I never had someone die in my arms. I mean—
CAMERON (Pouring him a drink) What else did he say?
TED I killed him.
CAMERON He said you killed him?
TED No, I killed him!
CAMERON I think maybe he wanted it this way. (Pauses) What was the second thing he wanted?
TED He wanted us to get the loot out of the floor before calling the police. He wanted us to have the stuff. But to hell with that.
CAMERON Wait a sec, now. I don’t want to sound like a—
TED A greedy bitch?
CAMERON But—
TED You want to be stinking rich?
CAMERON No. I’m saying, if we don’t get that money, he died for nothing.
TED Oh that’s a good one. He sacrificed his life so we can be filthy rich.
CAMERON Look, you’re the one who shot him.
TED I was trying to shoot you.
CAMERON You are one pathetic human being. You tried to shoot a female and killed an old man instead.
TED It was an accident!
CAMERON Bullshit! You killed him because he’s not scared to stick his hand down there. And you are. Coward!
TED (Looking into the hole) Maybe I am. (Retrieves a flashlight, then removes his shoes)
CAMERON What are you doing?
TED This is a five-hundred-dollar suit.
He takes off his pants and shirt, which he folds neatly on the sofa. He now wears only underwear, a wristwatch, and eyeglasses.
CAMERON (Inspecting Ted’s body) Now I know why you’re embarrassed to be nude in public.
TED (Breathing deeply) I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it!
CAMERON DO IT!
Ted leaps into the hole, disappearing completely. Blackout.
ACT TWO
When the lights come up, it is a short time later. Ted is under the floor and Cameron is in the next room offstage. Ossip is lying on the floor “dead.”
TED (Offstage) God! This is filthy, I’ve got to have the maid hit down here. So, under the joists?
Ossip opens one eye.
CAMERON (Offstage) Yes, under the joints.
Ossip opens the other eye. Then, seeing the coast is clear, he gets up and quietly collects his tools.
TED Owww!
CAMERON Did it look like a dachshund?
TED No, a nail. I don’t see squat down here.
CAMERON (Becoming increasingly anxious) How can you miss it? It’s a damned treasure trove.
TED I’m telling you, there’s nothing down here, and I’m lost.
CAMERON (Enters just as Ossip is dashing out, she grabs the Taser) Freeze, you old fart! You lying sack of shit.
TED I’m doing my best.
OSSIP Now just relax!
CAMERON (Yelling) He’s alive! And there is no treasure, is there?
TED I can’t hear you!
OSSIP Now wait a second. (Suddenly pointing with inspiration) It’s possible that it’s behind that wall.
CAMERON Oh, now we’re supposed to climb behind the wall? What next, the ceiling?
TED (Screaming) I found something! I found something!
OSSIP Hallelujah! I’m a wealthy man.
CAMERON What is it?
OSSIP Is it a string of pearls, maybe?
TED (Still offstage) No.
CAMERON Is it a golden scepter with a double-headed eagle?
TED No.
CAMERON (Excited) What is it?
TED It’s spherical.
CAMERON Oh my God, it’s a missing Fabergé egg!
TED No, it’s—this. (Emerges covered in dust and holds up a little rubber ball) Hey, you’re alive!!
CAMERON What?!
OSSIP My ball! (Kisses the dusty ball and bounces it) My little ball!
TED What is this?
OSSIP Me and this ball were inseparable. I remember when it fell down there. Over sixty years ago. I cried so hard I had a fever. My little bouncy ball!
TED What the hell are you doing alive? (Sees Cameron holding the Taser on Ossip) And why are you holding that?
CAMERON The prick pulled a fast one. The old feign-dead-anddash trick.
TED That is so low.
OSSIP Look, I went through enough.
TED You know, I suffered when you died. I mean, that is so … so cheap.
OSSIP I’m sorry. If it makes any difference, I was deeply moved. It was difficult not to cry. And by the way, you didn’t really pay five hundred for that suit, did you?
TED Shit! (Takes the Taser from her)
CAMERON Do you know what I think?
TED FUCK!!
CAMERON I think he had us going all along.
OSSIP Huh?
CAMERON I don’t think there were ever any hidden jewels.
OSSIP I beg your pardon?
CAMERON Since I met him, he spoke about visiting the site of his boyhood home. Just seeing it once before he dies, like a salmon returning to some goddamned stream.
OSSIP You think I’d go through all this just for nostalgia?
CAMERON You never talked about what you would do with the money, or any of that. (To Ted) All he talked about when we planned this was coming back to this apartment and his damned childhood.
OSSIP It’s true, but I, I’m old, and—
TED Was all this just for—
OSSIP No!
CAMERON Admit it! I’ll get the truth out of him. (Reaching for the Taser)
OSSIP (Scrambling to escape) Oh shit, hold her!
TED (Grabs Cameron) Wait a second. That’s absurd. He could’ve just knocked on my door. I’d have let him in.
CAMERON Oh.
OSSIP That’s not true—
TED Huh?
OSSIP Lies!
TED Huh?
OSSIP I did knock on your door, and you wouldn’t even let me in!
TED When?
OSSIP I offered to give this man free installation! I was going to pay out of my own pocket. He could’ve had free cable TV with a movie channel. All free! And the only thing I wanted was to come inside.
TED I remember you!
OSSIP You couldn’t slam the door fast enough, admit it.
TED I DIDN’T WANT GODDAMNED CABLE TV!
CAMERON So there never was any treasure. It was a lie all along.
OSSIP No, there might have been.
CAMERON Might’ve been?!
OSSIP My uncle swore. I’d lie in bed at night, in this hovel here, and he’d say, “Don’t worry, Ossipala, there’re gems and rubies under this filthy floor, and—”
CAMERON You jeopardized our life on BEDTIME STORIES!
(Trying to attack him) Arghh!
TED (Grabbing her again) Cut it out! You’re the dope for listening to him.
CAMERON How dare you. How dare you!
OSSIP When you’re young, it’s all in front of you. No death. You got hope, promise, even rapture. The older you get, the more things get reversed. Things are taken away. Removed one by one. Soon no hopes, death as big as the sun. Aches, poor circulation—
TED But look at my apartment!
CAMERON Fucking bedtime stories!
OSSIP Every day I’d walk by this place. Well, not every day, but I swear, I don’t think a week went by in the last fifty years when I didn’t walk by this building and think, that’s where all my memories are locked, my real pleasures and joys.
TED Well, you finally got inside.
OSSIP I finally got my wish answered, only to find another renovated building.
CAMERON I don’t believe this.
TED All you had to do was knock.
OSSIP (To her) Well I tried, and you know what? (To Ted) I don’t believe you. (To Cameron) I just don’t believe this man. People aren’t that nice. They can’t afford to be in this city.
TED Look, I wouldn’t’ve been delighted. I would’ve been suspicious—
OSSIP See!
TED But I had a childhood home also, outside Redding, California. It was a dairy farm, a lot better than this dump, with cows and chickens and a stream that ran over it, and we’d swim and fish—
CAMERON Norman Rockwell Jr. here.
TED Didn’t you have a childhood home in Lowell, Mass.?
CAMERON Piscataway, New Jersey.
TED But you said—
CAMERON I lied.
OSSIP I once bought a truss in Piscataway (Makes a pained expression)
TED I’m sorry, but I remember it like yesterday, and when we moved, it—it was like losing a good friend. So I would’ve let you in.
OSSIP Well, I thank you. And I’m sorry I had to bring this into your life.
CAMERON Me! You, you old fart.
OSSIP A fart! YOU painted slut!
TED Hey! Both of you!
CAMERON (Muttering) Take a hike.
OSSIP A kike? You called me a kike?! You dyke!
TED Will you two stop it?
OSSIP She was slanging my faith.
CAMERON I was not. I said, “Take a hike!”
TED Shut up! The both of you. (To Ossip) Now, if you show me some ID and promise to pay compensation for the damages—
CAMERON Well that doesn’t include me! I plan to—
TED No, that doesn’t include you. You, I intend to press charges against.
CAMERON WHAT?
TED You were just in this for the money. For some goddamned diamond tiara and necklaces and crap.
CAMERON But—but so were you.
TED This is my place!
CAMERON It wasn’t his place. Arrest him!
TED He used to live here. But you were in it just for the cash.
CAMERON What? I’m the only real innocent person here. I’m a victim of male bonding. Fuck this. I’m leaving. (She turns to go, Ted points the Taser at her)
TED Freeze or I’ll give you the biggest rush of your life.
CAMERON You bastards. Are you going to let him do this to me?
OSSIP Sure. Go ahead and fry her one.
TED I really liked you. I mean, I could see that something was off. You don’t know how to apply cosmetics. Your apparel, your accessories are completely wrong for an office environment, but—
CAMERON So you’re going to sizzle me ’cause I’m not sexy enough?
TED I felt personally hurt by you, and I feel entitled to a response for that.
CAMERON It’s hard to talk when I’m threatened by a hand-held electric chair.
TED (Puts the Taser down) You must be one crappy actress, ’cause—(There’s a knock on the open door, an off-duty officer enters) May I help you?
COP (Shows his badge) Officer Gallo. What the hell’s going on?
OSSIP I thought you people came in pairs.
COP I’m off-duty. Some guy is out front screaming.
TED Officer, there’s no problem here—
OSSIP We were waiting for you. Here she is, and I might add that if you need to persuade a confession out of her with one of those cattle prods—
COP Hold on here.
CAMERON Fuck you, you male bonders! Fuck you both, and you’re not taking me anywhere, cop!
COP Calm down, miss. (Surveying all the damage) What the hell happened here?
TED Nothing.
OSSIP She broke in and did this to this nice man’s apartment.
CAMERON He did!
COP Shut up. (To Ted) This is your apartment?
OSSIP Isn’t it awful? This chippy—
CAMERON You son of a bitch!
COP & TED Shut up!
TED I did this, officer.
Cameron and Ossip look at Ted dubiously.
COP Why are you undressed and covered with dirt?
TED I dropped some money into the hole, so I went down there looking for it.
COP All right. Why is there a hole in the middle of your living room?
TED It’s under renovation.
JAKE (Dashes in) There they are, officer. Look what they did to this place! I’m Jacob West, I live one floor below—
TED Officer, this is my apartment and I’m telling you, I did this.
JAKE No you didn’t. You told me—
COP Okay, shut up. (To Jake, regarding Ted) Is this man the owner of this apartment?
JAKE Yes. (Cameron and Ossip also nod)
COP We’re in agreement, okay. (To Ted) Who did this?
TED I did.
JAKE That’s not what you told me!
TED I lied.
COP Everyone break out some ID.
OSSIP I don’t have any.
CAMERON Me neither.
TED They’re old friends.
JAKE That’s not what you told me. (To the cop) That’s not what he told me. He picked up this tramp in a bar, brings her back here, then this old guy shows up and pretends he’s me—
OSSIP That’s ridiculous! I don’t look nothing like you.
JAKE (To Ossip) You know what I mean. (To the cop) He told him that he was the downstairs neighbor.
OSSIP Officer, this man is clearly out of his mind and should be restrained with unnecessary force—
COP You stand in that corner and shut up!
TED Everything’s okay, officer. If you could all just leave now, I’d like to be alone.
COP It’s not that simple.
JAKE Why are you defending them? Look what they did to your place. Unless you have them arrested, you won’t see a cent of the insurance money. (Behind the cop’s back, Ted is gesticulating to Jake, trying to call off the entire situation) Look, officer! He’s making hand signals.
COP (Turning quickly) Were you making hand signals?
TED Of course not.
OSSIP This man has extensive psychiatric history.
TED Officer, if I may speak a minute. First of all, why would they do this to my apartment? And second, if they did it, why would I let them get away with it?
JAKE (Rooting around, locates the Taser) Ah ha! Officer, this is my Taser.
CAMERON That figures.
JAKE I can prove it. I’ve got the sales receipt. I lent it to this gentleman here to regain control of the situation. Now I ask you, why else would he have my gun? And why would it be out and exposed like this?
OSSIP Officer, two things. I have a very bad heart condition and ex- Mayor Ed Koch is a close personal friend of mine—
COP Shut up! I’m chasing my tail here. Everyone is going down to the station house. We’ll settle everything there.
TED Officer, may I have a word with you?
Ted and the cop go to one side of the apartment, while Ossip and Jake keep arguing, first quietly and then loudly.
OSSIP (To Jake) Do you know what a yenta is?
TED Officer, this is my home. I own it, and if I don’t press charges, there are no charges.
JAKE Do you know what a psychotic is?
COP (To Ossip and Jake) Hey! (To Ted) That’s true, but it’s still my job to investigate as to whether a crime has been committed.
OSSIP Do you know what a putz is?
TED But I’ve known these people for years.
JAKE Do you know what a schizophrenic is?
COP (To Ossip and Jake) Shut up! (To Ted) Look, it’s for your own sake. For all I know, they could be holding you hostage.
OSSIP You know what a punch in the face is?
TED Look at them. Do you really think they could hurt anyone but themselves?
JAKE Do you know what criminal court is?
COP (To Ossip and Jake) If you two don’t shut up, I’m taking you both in. (To Ted) What about this Taser? And the downstairs neighbor claims you gave him a whole different picture.
OSSIP (Whispering) Do you know what the appeasement of vengeance exceeding the penalty of justice is?
TED Ossip, shut up! Look, this is embarrassing. But I did go downstairs and borrow his Taser. And I gave him the appearance that something odd was going on. You see, frankly, we played a prank on him, and I’m trying to keep him from realizing that.
COP I’d consider letting them off if either of them had ID.
TED They’re both dear friends of mine.
COP I want to believe you. I swear to God. But I’m responsible if I leave here and something actually did occur. Do you even have a photo of them to show me that you knew them before today?
TED Maybe. (Checks through his pants pockets) Shit, I’m kind of in flux at the moment—(Looking at the abstract painting on the wall) Officer, I do have a piece of evidence—but it might seem a little far-fetched.
COP I’ll be the judge.
TED That picture, that’s us.
Ted rushes over and grabs Ossip and Cameron. He positions them in relationship to their color schemes in the painting.
CAMERON What the hell are you—
TED Trust me.
They pose. Ted grabs a feather to make the picture seem complete.
JAKE What the hell is going on here?
TED (To the cop) See the resemblance?
COP Yeah. (Pauses) To the biggest crock I’ve ever seen.
TED Officer, I swear—
COP Shush up. I believe that this is your apartment. I also believe they had something to do with wrecking it. If you’re not pressing charges, fine. But spare me bullshit like this. (To Jake) Let’s go.
JAKE There’s a gross miscarriage of justice happening here, I’m telling you.
COP Forget it, Jake, it’s the East Village.
Jake and the cop exit, closing the door behind them.
OSSIP We fooled them! Isn’t that wonderful? (Grabs Ted and Cameron happily)
CAMERON Don’t touch me, pig.
TED (Pulling away) We didn’t fool anyone. And I don’t like what you did.
OSSIP Me? What did I do?
TED Well, aside from everything else, you tried to turn her in.
OSSIP It all worked out fine.
TED I want a check for this by tomorrow, or so help me, I’ll get that cop back here and swear that you had a pistol in your pocket pointed at me the whole time.
OSSIP Take it easy. Here. (Hands Ted a business card) I didn’t want to give it to the cop, but I do own a construction firm. I’ll have the repairs done myself.
TED Right, and then you’ll have a real heart attack in my living room.
OSSIP ’Course, not me. I’ll send some of my boys. (Collecting his tools) They’ll make it better than it was before.
TED How do I know you’re not just going to run off now?
CAMERON I’ll take you to his house if he tries to back out.
OSSIP (Smiling) I’m just so happy to see my old place. Can I stay a minute longer?
TED I suppose.
OSSIP This place was unsanitary, overcrowded, dim, dreadful—I’m convinced it started my heart condition. On this space here was a splintery floor, rats underneath, where I would race back and forth, playing for hours with my brother Abe—
TED He was the one you said was born here?
OSSIP Right in a bed over there. (Points upstage) We all had to stay with the neighbors that night. He died in ’52.
CAMERON (Playing an imaginary violin) Oh God!
OSSIP (Referring to Cameron) This one always egging me on. She reminds me of my sister. She’d always tease me, we’d fight for hours, my beautiful sister Lydia—
CAMERON Who’s now teaching geriatric aerobics in Miami Beach.
OSSIP No, she went back to the old country before the war and couldn’t get out in time.
CAMERON For the record, I didn’t call you a kike.
OSSIP Kike was a slang the German Jews invented against us newly immigrating Russian Jews whose names ended in “ki”. So for me, when I was a kid, it was doubly hurtful. ’Course, the joke is that now it’s used against all Jews.
TED (To Cameron) You should contribute to some of the repairs.
OSSIP It’s okay. Money really means nothing to me. I do thank you. You’re a fine man and I’ll take care of everything tomorrow.
(To Cameron) And you—I’m giving you two hundred dollars, take it or leave it.
CAMERON I earned it.
OSSIP (Opening the door, he kisses his forefingers, then gently touches a spot on the doorframe and turns to look for one last time) The mezuzah was here. (Exits, long pause)
TED If I ever did bond with another male, it wouldn’t be Ossip. How did you get entangled with him anyway?
CAMERON I answered an ad in the Voice.
TED For what?
CAMERON Someone with experience.
TED You were supposed to get me out of the house, and he was supposed to loot the place, right?
CAMERON Yeah.
TED What were you going to do with me if we did go out? I mean, you weren’t really going to make love with me against the Manhattan skyline, were you? (She responds with a doubtful expression) You would’ve led me on, dumped me, then met him tomorrow to learn that he found a little rubber ball. You wouldn’t’ve gotten a thing.
CAMERON Two hundred bucks. That was the base fee.
TED Are you even an actress?
CAMERON I’m a filmmaker. I went to NYU film school.
TED I should’ve figured.
CAMERON I was hoping to get a budget for a film.
TED A film about what?
CAMERON A documentary about how torturous and humiliating it is for an intelligent, attractive woman to live in this stinkhole city. About how all guys are slime who will do absolutely anything to get their cocks sucked. And how a girl gets called a bitch or a dyke if she asks for equal treatment.
TED Doesn’t sound like a comedy. What’s your last name, Cameron?
CAMERON My name isn’t Cameron, it’s Peggy.
TED I knew something was off here. You seemed more intelligent than you were coming off, even more attractive.
CAMERON (Laughs in disgust) You’re still trying to pick me up, after all this.
TED You think I’m some yuppie.
CAMERON Aren’t you?
TED Not anymore—I lost two million dollars in the last two years. My house is about to go under. This month I missed another payment. Hell, I was praying that there was money down there. Things get any worse, I’ll have to move back in with the parents. I’ll become a Middle-Aged Rural Unemployed Nobody. M-A-R-U-N, a moron!
CAMERON You’ll get back on your feet.
TED It’s more than just the money. I used to get a real thrill out of putting on a crisp suit. Studying market trends, making investments. Thirty looks so far away. Tonight I saw a man die right here, before my eyes.
CAMERON He didn’t die. And I don’t feel sorry for you, so quit looking for sympathy.
TED If you can’t take anything from this entire evening—
CAMERON Yeah, two hundred bucks.
TED A million dollars in Russian heirlooms would’ve been nice, but—
Cameron abruptly takes out the purloined lighter and other objects she had taken from Ted’s apartment and places them on the night table. Then she exits. Ted notices something in the hole. Sticking his arm in, he pulls out a small safety box hooked just under the floorboards. Opening it up, he removes a collection of jewels—the missing treasure. As the lights slowly fade to black, he displays no emotion.