Jaco has had an issue for some time with the names of buildings and roads and so on being changed.
Johannesburg Airport used to be called Jan Smuts, now it’s called O. R. Tambo. Jan Smuts was a traitor to his people but never mind. What Oliver Tambo knows about aviation is anybody’s fucking guess – also he spent most of his life in England. Oom Frank went to Lusaka with other big businessmen to meet Tambo and Mbeki and all them in Zambia years ago. It was a con. Verneukery. We was asleep while they was lining themselves up for big jobs and directors of mining companies and so on and guess what, the Jews what owns the big companies is delighted to hand over shares, even whole companies to these top ANC cunts so as to make sure they forget everything they learned in Moscow about communism so they can become fat cats. That is the true story never mind the fucking rainbow nation. So I says Oliver Tambo – my gat. My arse.
When a check-in dolly tells me I must not go on board because she says I is drunk I tell her to fuck off – half the people on the plane is pissed anyways, it’s all free so what’s the fucking difference. She is black but she speaks deftige English like some of them does now. Would you mind waiting for a few moments, sir, while I call my supervisor, she calls, and ten seconds later security arrives running and they only tells me I must take a breathalyser test fuck that. Then one of the security outjies takes me by the arm. Kom boet, he says, he is an Afrikaner like me and he says just sit down for a while, my bru, and I will make it come right for you but you must drink a whole bottle of water then we try the breathalyser again. The Afrikaans guy is quite old he says he lost his job in the pass office in ’97 and now he is a security ouk. Ons is nou die kaffers, he says. We are the kaffers now.
He gives me his card and takes me to another check-in and I get my boarding pass. He tells me not to drink on the plane. I can take this from him but it’s sad the kaffers have him by the short and curlies, where’s he going to go at fifty-seven? Cape Town International Airport is the only one what does not have the name of some so to say ANC hero on it. I call Oom Frank and he says he is on his way back from scoping the elephants and we can meet tomorrow at Groot Constantia under the trees by the café at 10.30. Great view, he says. A great view is just what I want. Don’t worry, he will pay for a taxi. Great, I says, but I am thinking he can ask me to stay the night after I have seen the radio peoples. I would ask you to come to stay, he says, but my daughter is in a very fragile state. Give her a klap is my advice but of course I doesn’t say that. There’s a lot of things I can’t say no more.
A pretty girl meet me by the studio, what a pleasure to meet you, she says, my name is Ashlee. She asks if I want a coffee. For why, I wonder. Maybe she thinks I am pissed. Yes please. White please four sugar. Okay, Garry will come down soon to brief you and then it’s straight into the studio. Are you all right? Bakgat. Scuse me. No fine. She says aren’t you the guy who was half eaten by a shark? No, not me. She is a bit confused and turns over her notes then she looks at me: I thought you had lost a leg. No, they is all here all two. I’m the guy who filmed the great white shark and poked it in the eye. My name is Jaco Retief. Two million hits on YouTube. She says two million, omigod that’s like amazing. Wow. I will tell Garry. Can you wait here for a bit, Jaco. Chelsee will bring you the coffee and some biscuits if you want. Okay, lekker. She has a very short skirt and a tight butt, they always have beautiful girls in these studios. Cherries. She comes back: I forgot, the researcher said you was saying great whites should be shot if they come near a beach, please go a bit easy on that kind of thing. Garry says let’s hear the pros and cons of conservation before you say that sort of thing, okay. What is the pros for allowing huge sharks to eat swimmers I ask her. Just saying, she says, just saying take it gently we don’t want everybody shouting at once in the studio and don’t drink please. Who says I am drinking? Nobody, it’s like one of our rules here, no alcohol in the studio.