HERR NEUMANN IN UMLOWITZ IS NOT TOO TALL, SOMEWHAT FAT, AND has seven children whose names are Rudolf, Adolf, Arthur, Erwin, Fritz, Otto, and Herma, though now he also has a foster son named Josef. Rudolf is already an engineer, but he doesn’t have a job and spends most of his time at home. Adolf is younger, yet already married, having married a maidservant, which angered Herr Neumann, because the girl had no money and was common, which is why Adolf did not stay in Umlowitz but instead left with his wife and opened his own business in Kaplitz, which apparently is doing well, for he handles flour and other farm products, traveling with his wagon throughout the district and knowing how to bargain with the farmers, who are happy to sell to him because he pays so quickly, while sometimes he even ends up competing with his father, though that doesn’t bother Herr Neumann all that much. Herma, meanwhile, is very sweet and very busy, for she runs the entire household, Frau Neumann having died when Otto was just a baby, after which Herma had taken over all duties, including the cooking and the washing, as well as keeping an eye on what’s going on with the business, making sure all the male and female servants were kept in line, everyone fond of her, the people of Umlowitz saying what a good person Herma is, while Josef thinks of her as a second mother, though she’s quite young. Then there’s Arthur, who has just completed business school and is living again at home in order to help Herr Neumann. Meanwhile Erwin visits only during school breaks from his high school, and Fritz also takes courses at the vocational school in Budweis, staying there the whole week when classes are on, and returning home on Saturdays only to head out again early Monday morning.
The smallest is Otto, who is much smaller than Josef, for even though he’s three years older he’s a sickly child who has to be dressed each morning and undressed each evening because he can’t do it himself, Herma most often doing it for him, and when she doesn’t have enough time Poldi does it, or one of the brothers. Everyone says of Otto that he’s a little slow, a sweet child nonetheless, but because he wets the bed each night one has to place a diaper beneath his bedsheet, as if he were a baby, though he can’t help it, and it’s just something unfortunate you have to put up with. He also has a very high voice, like a little girl, and he talks through his nose, so you have to listen carefully in order to understand what he’s saying, though he can say a lot and he talks a lot, and he understands what you say to him, in addition to being able to sing many songs without ever making a mistake, even if his voice isn’t too lovely, because he sings through his nose as well. He has gone to school for many years, but he’s still in the first grade, as he doesn’t advance with the other children and can only say “one and one is two,” while in the reader he knows little more than the difference between a printed “i” and a written “i,” for though he can point to a printed “i” and a written “i” with his finger, among the other letters he knows only the “n” and sometimes the “e” and “m” as well, but he doesn’t know any of the other letters, even if you continually show him, Herma or Fritz having spent half an hour with him each day in an effort to teach him something. But Otto can only write the “i,” and when he has written one he’s happy and shows it to everyone, and everyone says how wonderful it is that he has written such a beautiful “i.” But Rudolf often says that it would be best for Otto to be placed in an institution, to which Herma says nothing or simply that he is Mother’s youngest son, while Herr Neumann says that not even his worst enemy could accuse him of being a bad father who would kick his own flesh and blood out of the house just because he’s a helpless creature forced to go through the world lost and alone, though he hopes that one day Otto will be better. But if that does not happen, then Herr Neumann believes there will always be enough left over for him, and that the other six children will be kind enough to take in Otto, to which all of them say they certainly will, even if he remains the child that he is now.
Josef is to stay an entire year with Herr Neumann in Umlowitz as part of an exchange whereby Erwin will stay with his parents in the city, for Josef has become too anxious, his parents not knowing what to do with him, though when they proposed this exchange Josef was happy to take it. He now goes to school in Umlowitz, and though he should be in the fifth grade, in this school with six grades in total they didn’t want to start him in the fifth. Principal Bolek had made sure that he didn’t, he wanted to show the coddled city child a thing or two, namely that the farm children know a lot more than the educated people of the city think, which is why Principal Bolek made Josef take an entrance exam, although none was required, and Josef had good grades from the fourth grade back home already, almost all of them A’s. Principal Bolek had made Josef write something in ink on paper, and Josef had done a beautiful job, but Principal Bolek was not pleased with how he held his pen. Which is why he pointed to a large picture that hung on his office wall, nothing else on it but a hand that is writing and, beneath it, “The Proper Way to Hold a Pen.”—“Look, Josef, that’s the way to hold a pen when you write, just like you see in the picture!” But Josef can’t write with outstretched fingers, only with fingers curled around, which is why he doesn’t like to write all that much, for he still remembers how he once cried in first grade, many others crying as well, when the teacher wanted him to hold the pencil in the right hand and not the left, because you are supposed to write only with the right hand, not the left, though it was always hard for Josef, and that’s why he’d grown used to writing with a strongly curled index finger. But Principal Bolek had said, “No, this way of writing is not encouraged here in Umlowitz. You need to write the way the picture shows in order to write properly!” Yet as Josef tried to write with outstretched fingers all he could produce was an unreadable scrawl, Principal Bolek laughing that one couldn’t be allowed to write that way in Umlowitz. “All the children here learn how to write properly. If you want to study with us here in Umlowitz, you’ll have to learn it as well!” Then the principal had asked Josef some more questions that he didn’t know the answers to, though the principal had constantly replied that all the children of Umlowitz knew the answer, since this was the best school in the district, while at the close he had asked, “Tell me, what color is water?” Josef thought for a while, and because he believed water had no color he answered, “Water doesn’t have any color!” But the principal said, “Water does indeed have a color.” Then Josef recalled that the sea is blue, so he said, “Water is blue.” Yet the principal had immediately responded, “That’s wrong. Water is not blue. Water is green. When you look at clear water on a mirror, you will observe that water has a green coloring.” Since then Josef knows that water is green, Principal Bolek having declared, “If you want to go to school here in Umlowitz, you’ll have to be in the fourth grade, where you’ll learn what you need to learn. The children in the fifth grade know all of that already. You just wouldn’t be able to keep up.”
Therefore Josef starts again in the fourth grade, though Herr Neumann had said that in Umlowitz all the classes learn the same things, it doesn’t matter if you’re in the fourth or the fifth grade, while Josef thinks that it would be such a disgrace at home, though here it’s not a disgrace, because the children of the village know so much, yet no one thinks it a disgrace that Otto is still in the first grade. In the fourth grade there are sixty boys from the surrounding area, Herr Lopatka in his first year of teaching here, a very nice teacher with a black mustache that dips and rises like a swallow’s wings when he speaks, which looks funny. Class is held only five days a week, Wednesday being free so that the children can help their parents, though often there’s no class on Saturday, either, and all the children go barefoot to school when it’s not too cold, their feet always dirty, even Josef now going barefoot and it not even hurting when he walks on stones, though Otto and the little boys and girls go barefoot most of the time in order to save wear and tear on their shoes and socks. At night Poldi prepares a large tub of hot water in order to give Otto and Josef a good washing, though only once a day, for you aren’t at all expected to wash up as much as in the city, even though you get much dirtier in Umlowitz.
Josef told Herma that no one learned anything in school, even if Herr Lopatka was a very good teacher, for the children can’t understand what he says, though Josef can, but when it comes time to practice writing no one knows what he is supposed to write. The teacher had said the children should write down what they see in the classroom, to which all the children made such puzzled faces, holding their pens as they looked around, though the paper remained empty, no one having written down anything except Josef, who had listed everything in the classroom, the teacher praising him and saying that the other children should still be writing something down, though all they put down was “Our Classroom,” as they wrote “Writing Practice” in brackets underneath, the date also set down in the margin as the teacher had instructed at the start of the lesson. Now the lesson was over, the teacher saying, “Today we’ll have to skip natural history and spend the next hour doing our writing practice.” During the break the teacher stayed in the classroom and in chalk wrote out a writing exercise on the right side of the board, underlining some words twice, simply writing out others, then on the lefthand side of the board he wrote out another exercise that was not exactly like the one on the right but somewhat similar, as he underlined some words twice as well. When he finished, the break was already over, after which the teacher divided the class into four groups, not the way they were arranged on the benches but instead mixing them up, each boy counting off one, two, three, or four, so that each one knew which exercise he was meant to copy down. Once the teacher had finished dividing them up, he asked each student again which group he was in and, once the children finally knew, he told them they should begin copying down the exercise, but slowly and neatly, so that no one made any mistakes and wouldn’t make the teacher upset at having to make corrections. But at the close of the class not all of them had finished, and the teacher said that his patience was wearing thin, he couldn’t wait any longer, at which he gathered up all the exercises, the children glad that the whole thing was finally over. Later, when the teacher handed out the graded exercises, Josef got an A, most of the children receiving bad grades because their penmanship was so poor.
This is the way that you learn in Umlowitz, and not a single teacher cares whether you hold the pen right or not, so Josef continues to hold it the wrong way and never learns the way the principal believes he should, he soon becoming bored with school, Herma having spoken with Herr Neumann, who then asked Josef whether he’d like to help out in the fields and become a herder. Josef replied that he’d love to, and so Herr Neumann said that he could and came to an agreement with Herr Lopatka, who understood completely that it was not his fault, and that all that was needed was for Josef to show up once in a while in order to see what he knew, so that Principal Bolek didn’t complain. Then Josef became almost a family member, he liking Herma the most, and then Otto, and then Herr Neumann, who has a large shop where you can buy almost anything. To get to it, you climb two steps to enter through a glass door, and as you open it a little bell rings first in the kitchen, which is behind the shop, and to which the bell is wired, making a ting-a-ling-a-ling so that Herr Neumann or Arthur or someone else can immediately be there to serve the customer, though usually someone from the family is in the shop, or at least Leopold the clerk, a tall, thin man. The store is long and narrow, with a wide aisle through the middle, the shelves rising to the right and left, the goods stored behind them and wherever there is space, though not where customers can reach directly for them, one being able to buy almost anything at Herr Neumann’s, much more than is listed on the sign outside the door, where JAKOB NEUMANN is written in big letters, while in smaller letters below there appears VICTUALS, TEXTILES, HARDWARE. There is also candy, red and white peppermints and other sweet things, as well as sour pickles, which float in a big barrel from which you fish them out with a pair of wooden tongs, as well as spices, fennel the farmers’ favorite, for they like it in their bread, there also being lots of other grocery items, barley and cornmeal, beans and lentils, as well as cans and pots, harnesses for the horses, and scythes, and sickles and spades and shovels and pliers and nails, as well as buttons and darning cotton, knitting needles and sewing needles, lots of fabric like the kind that the farmers’ wives like, which is measured with a wooden yardstick, and scales, as well as soaps and powders and toothbrushes, lovely candles, brown soup powder, normal salt and red salt licks, writing paper and picture-postcards of Umlowitz, one of which shows a panoramic view of Umlowitz with the Thomasberg in the background, the central square, the church, the school, the power station, other items being pencils, pens, and notebooks, slippers and stockings, Herr Neumann having the biggest store in Umlowitz, not even Herr Iltis having as large a store, though there things are properly displayed as in the city, while Herr Neumann says the way things are displayed isn’t everything, but rather what matters is good and prompt service, and that you understand your customers and have the right connections.
Herr Neumann’s store smells of all his goods, a sweet, pungent smell that Josef likes very much. Up front the store is well lit, in back it’s darker, so that an oil lamp is always kept burning there, because the electric light works mostly just at night, Rudolf saying that they had done a bad job in designing the power station, for it runs on an oil turbine, and one can never get enough oil, nor is it economical, for electricity is still much too expensive. Some people have no electric lights whatsoever, while others do indeed, though they rarely use them and prefer to buy oil for their lamps or candles, Herr Neumann not having a single electric light in his entire house, not even upstairs in the living quarters, for one hardly spends much time there except to sleep, everyone instead spending time in the kitchen, which is quite large. Rudolf says that the power station should have been designed much more practically to use waterpower, but no one thought of it, and now it’s too late, and many years will pass before someone decides to build a power station that uses water. And so an oil lamp burns in the store, Leopold always having to fill it with oil, clean the wick, and keep the lamp in good working order. Each morning Leopold sweeps up in the store, fills a large bucket of water, then takes the funnel he uses to fill the oil or vinegar and plunges it deep into the water, holding his thumb over the hole, as he walks through the store and behind the shelves to spray water in arcing lines that look like lots of off-kilter bicycle wheels, after which he takes wood shavings and strews them around, the floor as clean as it gets, for it is always gray and greasy.
Whenever Herr Neumann doesn’t have anything else to do, he’s in the store, especially on Sunday mornings during church, almost the entire family there as well, and the store full of people, because the farmers and their wives otherwise have little time to shop. Arthur says you run yourself ragged trying to serve everyone at once, but otherwise evenings are the other time they come, when it often is full, Leopold having to lock the shop so that no one else comes in, opening up to let customers back out when they are ready, for Herr Neumann doesn’t like to let anyone out through the kitchen, as then the people passing through look into the pots cooking on the stove, which Herr Neumann doesn’t like, since it’s none of their business, which is why they all need to be let out through the front, even Josef helping to do so when all the others have their hands full. Otto also sometimes comes into the store, though he doesn’t open the door for customers, and actually Herr Neumann doesn’t like having him there, saying that Otto should go into the kitchen, but because Otto likes it so much Herr Neumann doesn’t outright forbid him and doesn’t say another word if Otto doesn’t disappear. During the day only a few people enter the shop, usually not staying for long, unless the weather is bad, when they all have to talk with the customers a great deal about this year’s harvest and the cows, the times, what’s going on in politics, how good the corpse looked, what the priest said at the cemetery, as well as the most recent wedding.
Normally Herma is not in the store, but some women ask for her right off and she has to come in, but when she has no time someone has to ask that she be excused or says that she’s not home. The men, however, like best to talk with Herr Neumann, especially the older ones, while the younger are also happy to chat with Rudolf or Arthur, and many others just want something good to drink. Way in the back to the right Herr Neumann has some schnapps, be it caraway, anise, or black cherry, and eggs stewed in Cognac, which usually Rudolf and Arthur mix up, as well as rum also made by them both, and finally plum brandy, which the farmers and Herr Neumann like best of all, the customers always saying, “Another shot, Herr Neumann!” And so he pours another jiggerful, the farmers lifting the tiny glasses to their mouths and bending their heads back, as one-two, the shot glass is empty once again. Everyone is sad when the plum brandy is finished, for it tastes so good, and then they have to drink something else, a caraway schnapps or a black cherry, a lovely red schnapps that almost looks like glowing raspberry water, though the men say that black-cherry schnapps doesn’t warm them up the same, that it’s only sugar water, not real schnapps. The shot glasses rest on a bare metal tray that Leopold says is made of zinc, and when someone wants a drink he picks up the shot glass and holds it out to Herr Neumann or whomever in order to have it filled, but when he doesn’t want any more he places the glass back down on the metal tray or simply on the counter, though Herr Neumann would rather he didn’t, for inevitably someone doesn’t see a shot glass resting there and it gets knocked onto the floor and is broken. The shot glasses are not washed, and everyone drinks from them, no one afraid of catching anything, as once a week Leopold rinses out the glasses in a bucket that holds the water he uses to clean the store, Josef having once said to Herr Neumann that it cannot be healthy, at which he laughed and said, “We’ve always done it that way in Umlowitz, and it’s never harmed anyone yet.”
Herr Neumann has a large fat stomach that presses against the counter when he stands behind it and bends over to show the farmers’ wives something, which causes difficulties in his breathing, such that he sighs when he’s finally done and doesn’t have to bend over anymore. Sometimes there’s no one in the store, so Leopold straightens up the goods that have become a bit disarranged, especially when there’s no time to pick up after the customers right away. But the store is not the only source of Herr Neumann’s living, for behind the kitchen there’s a room where Otto and Poldi sleep, and sometimes someone else, there being a third bed there, as well as Herr Neumann’s desk with many drawers, many papers stacked up on it, causing Josef to wonder how Herr Neumann can find anything at all, though Rudolf and Arthur have no trouble finding what they need, either. Sometimes Herr Neumann sits there with all his mail, lots of letters and cards arriving every day, as well as newspapers, catalogs and many advertisements. But it’s not the mailman who brings them, for the mail in Umlowitz takes too long to arrive, so it’s picked up at the post office instead, Josef often sent to get it, once a day somebody going after it, except on Sundays, since there is no mail then, but instead an old woman sits there, the postmistress, who always gets two shots of plum brandy on the house when she comes into the store, which is almost every day, everyone having to address her as Madam Postmistress, while only Herr Neumann calls her by her real name, Fräulein Schunko, no one else being allowed to do so, she having all the mail ready to be taken back home if you showed up at the right time, after which it is brought to Herr Neumann, though when he’s away Arthur takes the mail or Rudolf. Herr Neumann almost always goes straight back to his desk, where he rips open the letters easily with his fingers, while many other items are chucked into the wastebasket, but first of all he rips off the stamps, which he puts into a little box, since Fritz collects stamps and says he already has around five thousand, many of them doubles, which he takes with him every Monday to Budweis in order to trade them at school. Meanwhile Herr Neumann leaves a pile of important letters on the desk for Rudolf or Arthur to answer, Herr Neumann having printed up letterhead and envelopes and cards for this purpose, there being two kinds, where on one it says:
JAKOB NEUMANN
VICTUALS, TEXTILES
Dry Goods of All Kinds
UMLOWITZ
Located on the Central Square
And the other kind reads:
JAKOB NEUMANN
Real Estate Agent
UMLOWITZ
This card, however, is used much less frequently, because real estate is a different kind of business than anything else.
Arthur has explained to Josef that real estate is a difficult business, you have to know a lot, for otherwise you can lose everything, it being more about serving as an intermediary than really selling something, and when a farmer wants to get rid of a little piece of field or woods or meadow, he writes to Herr Neumann or comes to him himself. They then sit in the back room, no one allowed in, Otto also sent out, while sometimes Poldi also has to wait forever before she’s allowed in, even if she says she has to get into her cupboard, Herr Neumann only calling in Arthur and Rudolf now and then, though it can also happen that he asks for Herma as well. Then matters are discussed at length, Herr Neumann and the man having red faces when they emerge, after which they usually go into the store and drink a few glasses of plum brandy. And whenever Herr Neumann is particularly interested in a field or whatever, and if it’s not too far, but not directly in Umlowitz, then on the day he wants to look at the field he tells Toni the coachman (who otherwise drives the freight wagon to the train station each day) that he has something he has to look at, and that Toni should hitch the horses to the barouche, which is a black wagon much like a hackney. And then Herr Neumann rides off with Toni, but when he comes back he has a list of addresses on his desk from people who want to buy something, who should come to him soon or write to him, though they need to hurry if they are really interested, as there are several others who want to buy that piece of property, because it’s valuable and a good location, which is why Herr Neumann can’t wait for long or hold anything, for no matter how sorry, he is not to be able to do so.
When someone is interested, there are long discussions, and Herr Neumann has to give them plenty of free plum brandy, while everyone who is there has to continue to remind people what a special opportunity it is, for the harvest is very good from that field. But often nothing comes of it, the farmers are wily and do not believe they’re being told the truth, as they hold on to every bit of money they can and always want to pay less than Herr Neumann is asking, he not able to go any lower, which then causes them all to get into the barouche and ride out again, the people maintaining that they need to look at the property again if they are going to buy it, otherwise it’s like buying a cat in a bag, the price still too high, and they don’t really need to buy right now, for then they will only have more work to do to tend it, which is why it really has to be a good price. Selling property takes so much effort on Herr Neumann’s part that Josef wonders why he does it at all, it seems only to cause him grief. Josef also doesn’t understand how you sell something that never really belongs to you, for the people who want to sell a piece of property could just sell it directly to those who want to buy it, or just place an ad in the newspaper, and then Herr Neumann would have no more problems, though Arthur tells Josef that selling property is an important trade, for people tend not to come to agreement on their own, nor do they have as many addresses and contacts as Herr Neumann, who then gets some money from both the seller and the buyer, which is called the commission, a completely legitimate transaction that Herr Neumann then has to pay tax on. Whenever Herr Neumann finally closes a deal, he still has more expenses to cover, for sometimes the sellers show up, as well as the buyers, all of them sitting down together in the kitchen, Herma then having lots to do, along with Poldi and the others, in order to feed them, as they serve up many shot glasses that don’t contain regular schnapps but rather a special kind that Rudolf or Fritz mixes up out of spirits and essences. Josef wouldn’t want to have anything to do with such a business when he grows up, for he’d be happy with just the store, though he doesn’t really think about what he wants to become, except that it won’t be a doctor, as Herma says, “When you don’t know what you want to become, then fate will find its own way. Perhaps you’ll follow in the footsteps of your father.”
But that’s not all that Herr Neumann does, for since he owns a business there is a lot to do, fields and meadows and a little bit of woods are all located outside Umlowitz, but the center of it all is the kitchen, which you enter through a huge passageway not often used to access the street, this being where the barouche stands, though it’s used only on Sundays or in the evenings when the shop is closed, while to enter you do so not through a large gate but through a little door that is built into the gate. From the entrance some steps lead up to the second floor, but below you continue on into the courtyard, where chickens, ducks, and geese run about, a large dung heap to the left and behind it the chicken coop, which is just across from the pigeon cote, while beyond is the pigsty and farther on the horses, though Josef doesn’t like to go there, because the smell is so sharp in his nose. Josef is amazed that Toni can stand it for so long, though he smokes a strong-smelling pipe that he has filled with nasty tobacco, the pipe dangling from his mouth even when it’s not lit, while Toni is almost always smoking. His pipe is made of porcelain, on which is printed the face of Emperor Franz Josef, who is already dead, there no longer being any emperor, as with the founding of the republic he’s been done away with, but Toni says that it doesn’t matter that there is no more emperor, for the pipe is old and he still likes it, and it’s okay that the emperor is still on it. A long green tassel that is badly stained also hangs from the pipe, Josef never touching the pipe, especially the long mouthpiece, for when Toni quietly takes it apart dark brown juice flows from it that stinks and looks like the liquid manure from the dung heap, though the juice smells different and stays in his nose even more than the manure, Toni then putting the pipe back together, sticking it in his mouth and spitting. He also spits in the kitchen, where he has a large mug of coffee that is always waiting for him when he gets back from a trip. Toni also spits in the store, though everyone spits there, never once using the spittoon that sits in the corner, the floor covered with spit, Josef surprised that no one is disgusted by it, and that Herr Neumann never says anything about it. Sometimes he spits as well and smokes a pipe, but one not as bad as Toni’s and not always the same one, since he has a stand full of pipes that are of different lengths, himself making a funny noise when he smokes, like when you say a soft “p,” and because Otto loves that Herr Neumann does it over and over. Toni also makes a noise when he smokes, but it’s not really a “p” but rather something different that’s hard to describe. Herr Neumann’s tobacco doesn’t smell half as bad as Toni’s, which sometimes one can hardly stand, especially when Toni blows smoke in Josef’s face, Josef turning his head away, Herma reminding him that Toni doesn’t do it on purpose, as it’s what he’s used to doing, and no one has ever told him that it’s bothersome.
At first Josef thought that Toni smokes only because he also can’t stand the smell of the horses, but Fritz had said that you get used to that, for it’s not so bad, Josef unable to stand it only because he’s from the city, where children often have never seen a horse stall, which makes it harder to get used to later on, though in reality the smell is good for you, for it contains ammonia. But Fritz couldn’t say exactly what ammonia was, or why the smell is supposed to be so good for you, he simply said that it just was, and that ammonia smelled like what you smelled in the horse stall, which is why Josef asked Herma if she could tell him what ammonia was, to which she answered, “It’s the same as salmiac.” He couldn’t understand why salmiac would be considered healthy, for it stinks so bad, and even as a little boy it bothered his nose so much that tears came to his eyes, he preferring that stains be cleaned away with gasoline or turpentine, for these are much better because they smell more pleasant, and Josef would much prefer it if the horse stall smelled like turpentine or gasoline. But the awful ammonia doesn’t bother Toni, he is even able to sometimes sleep on a blanket in the stall, Herma explaining that his wife was a vixen, which means a bad woman, who likes to hit him and take away his wages, keeping it all for herself and leaving nothing for him, even though he never gets drunk and has no more than six glasses of beer and a couple of shots. The vixen also gives Toni very little to eat, and when he doesn’t get enough from Herma he goes hungry, though at night she gives him a little kettle of potatoes and a jar of cream soup, Toni dipping each potato into the soup and eating it in one gulp, for he bites into them only when the potatoes are huge. In the stall Toni gives the horses something to eat and drink, grooming them as well until their coats shine, for when they are not shiny enough Arthur throws a fit, since he keeps his eyes peeled, everyone in the house afraid of him, for he wants everything done right and won’t allow losses to accrue, as he says.
Though they complain about Arthur and give him a hard time, he is still good enough to help out with any kind of work, people saying that he works like a horse, only Herma herself as diligent or Herr Neumann, but in addition, because he tends to both everything and nothing at once, he has a lot on his mind, such as the farm, which is why Toni sometimes doesn’t drive the wagon to the station but instead out to the fields, helping with the plowing or the harvesting, Arthur saying that old Toni is the best at the plow, and that maybe Fritz will someday be just as good, but not he. Because Toni doesn’t know how to write and only barely reads, he never reads The Farmer’s Almanac. That’s the almanac that Poldi always reads so that she can pass on all the stories in it, she being able to write as well, though Toni can only write his name, which he does once a week when he gets his pay, writing out his entire name, Anton Pascher, on a receipt for Arthur, though it’s not much more than a scrawl, despite his being able to count just fine.
Most everything is located to the left in the courtyard, but to the right is the warehouse that contains the goods for the store, it being full of crates and boxes and barrels, Leopold usually the one who enters it with Arthur, or sometimes it’s Fritz, though rarely Rudolf, since he’s not as strong. After the warehouse is the cowshed, where there are three cows, namely Schecki, who is older and doesn’t give much milk, though still enough, followed by Campi, who is dark brown and has the nicest coat, she also giving the most milk and the mother of a calf called Gabbi that is also in the stall, while last is Liesel, the youngest of the three cows, who had her first calf but doesn’t give as much milk, though Herma believes that Liesel will once again give lots of milk, because her mother is the cow owned by the butcher Sekora, and it gave a great deal of milk. Then there are also four goats whom Josef likes very much, because they are so funny, much more so than the cows, among whom Campi is his favorite, though the goats don’t have names, they being just called the “Goaß” in the local dialect spoken in Umlowitz. Otto loves to visit the goats, bringing them leaves to eat and calling “Come here goatie!” as he extends a bunch to them, each not wanting the other to get it as they lock horns and the winner snaps up the bunch of leaves, Otto thrilled by it all. When the weather is good, the cattle are let out to pasture, though the cows are also often needed for the wagon if one travels across the fields.
During the day two young girls and a boy come to Herr Neumann’s, themselves children of cottagers in Umlowitz who go home each night, staying at Herr Neumann’s only when the harvest is on, or if they are needed special, while for the harvest others help out as well, including everyone in the house except Leopold, who stays behind to tend the store. Herma also goes out to the harvest only rarely, because she has to cook and take care of everything at home, while Poldi doesn’t spend the entire day in the fields, either, since Herma can’t do everything on her own, Otto accompanying Poldi when she does go to the fields for a few hours, though he’s not much of a worker, but nonetheless can’t be left on his own, Herr Neumann and Herma insisting that someone always watch over him so that nothing happens, since he can’t take care of himself and has no more understanding than that of a child. Out in the pasture he chases after the goats, though it’s easy for them to run away from him, which is why he can never be alone with the cattle in the pasture, for cattle will do what they want and are not afraid of Otto, even if he swings the stick that he likes so much and which Fritz had cut and trimmed for him.
When everyone is in the fields from morning until night, Herma sends out lunch to them at midday, just simple things like coffee or soup, big slices of bread at least two or three centimeters thick, each a slice from the whole loaf and not just cut in half, some of them as big as a roof shingle or even longer. Herma also sends out a large canister of sour cream that grows even more sour in the canister, until it tastes really sour, while at other times she sends along a thick hunk of butter that has to be kept cool in the shade or in the creek, otherwise it will melt and look almost like flowing gold, while there’s also cheese, though not like that you get in the city but one that is very healthy and tastes strong, Herma making it herself. Then folks yank potatoes out of the earth, a large fire is lit, people quickly drag sticks from the woods, after which they shove the potatoes into the fire, then they stir the coals with a stick, later rolling the potatoes out of the cinders, the potatoes black as coal and so hot that they burn your fingers when you touch them. Toni is the best at grabbing hold of them, for his hands are as dark as tanned leather, such that he can grab hold of anything and never get burned, after which everyone takes a knife and scrapes off the charcoal skin and sprinkles the potatoes with salt as they cool, though you have to eat them carefully, otherwise you’ll burn your tongue.
Now Josef is also a herder for Herr Neumann, who owns some pastureland, though most of the cattle graze in Purtscher’s fields on a side slope of the Haselberg. The cattle in the shed are tied up, and normally Poldi helps Josef release them, since he can’t do it alone, it going all right with the goats and with Cappi, but not as well with the other cows, the worst being Liesel, who is a restless animal who requires more patience. Josef holds a big stick that he made himself, though Otto’s is much nicer, even if it’s shorter and not as strong, Fritz being much more gifted at wood carving, for he can carve decorations and letters into the stick, such that it almost looks like something out of a picture from a book about Indians. Josef isn’t as good, having cut his finger once while he was carving in the open fields, the finger bleeding for so long that Josef had to wrap his handkerchief around it, while that night Herma made a proper bandage, carefully washing the finger at first and rubbing it with alcohol so that it wouldn’t get infected, though it burned like hell, Herma saying that was just what had to be, because there had once been a farm boy in Umlowitz who also cut himself, and no one did anything about the wound, such that the poor boy got a terrible illness called tetanus, and the next day he was dead, since there was nothing that could be done for him. And so Josef held his finger still, not wanting to get any tetanus, and two days later the finger was fine again and hadn’t gotten infected.
Whenever the cattle are brought into the yard they are happy, the animals know they are headed to pasture, where they love to eat fresh grass, only Schecki shying away from it, Arthur believing it’s because she’s somewhat old, which is why it might be best for her to be sold to the butcher Sekora next year. Herr Neumann says, however, that he can’t as yet bring himself to do so, for he likes Schecki, and she’s been a good cow, nor does it matter if Schecki has a bit of diarrhea, that will soon go away once she’s fed right. Only Gabbi stands there dumb, because he’s a dumb calf who still doesn’t know that they are headed to pasture, though he follows Campi, who knows the way, while the journey home is more difficult, because he scares so easily and has trouble finding his way back to the yard. Once, just as Josef was still learning about how to herd cows, it happened that Gabbi was frightened by a horse wagon that was headed toward him, and so he suddenly ran off, Josef chasing after him, it doing no good as he screamed at the top of his lungs, “Gabbi! Gabbi! You stupid Gabbi! Gabbi, come here!” Gabbi was long gone, and so Josef got scared about how mad Herr Neumann and the others would be, and how much they would scold him if he returned without Gabbi, such an animal being worth the kind of money that Josef had no way of paying back, and so he returned breathless to the yard with his head hanging and his heart pounding, Poldi seeing him and laughing as she asked, “Josef, Josef, whatever is the matter? Where have you been? The cattle are already in the shed, but what have you done with Gabbi?” Then Josef couldn’t keep from sobbing, but Poldi only laughed again at the fact that Gabbi wasn’t there, saying, “Now come along! Let’s go looking for that Gabbi!” And so she headed out through the gate, Josef sadly walking behind her with his stick, the two of them moving along until they reached the sawmill, where someone had tied up Gabbi, he shaking his head as he saw the two of them coming along, as if to say, “That boy’s been running around like a fool! And here he is right back again! He needs to learn how to herd calves!” And yet Josef had never been so happy, for Gabbi was not lost after all, the good man at the sawmill having captured him and saved him, Josef having continually cheered, “Gabbi is back! Gabbi is back! Someone found him and saved him!” Then they were back, Poldi having led Gabbi, Josef saying that he’d give him a good beating if he weren’t just a stupid calf, which only made Poldi laugh again at how inept Josef is, for a real herder would never have let such a thing happen, but he would have learned from the start how to tend cattle so that they follow along and don’t run off. And so they were back in the yard with the runaway, Gabbi’s eyes full of fear as they led him to the stall, because he was so stupid. Nonetheless, everyone had learned how inept Josef was, and everyone had a good laugh at that, though they also said it wasn’t at Josef they were laughing but rather only the calf, because it was so stupid and had run away.
This doesn’t happen to Josef again, for he makes sure that the calf follows behind him, and when he takes the cattle to the fields he always goes behind the farmyard and by the bay, where the chaff is cut across from the horse stable, the hayloft above both the bay and the stable, which is where Kreibidi the cat always has her kittens. Then Josef moves through the gate with the cattle, while across the way sits Herr Neumann’s barn, next to and behind the garden, inside of which there is a pool into which Herr Neumann’s geese waddle. Josef doesn’t like them, for he’s a little afraid of them when they hiss, though he’s never afraid as long as he has his stick, he waving it at them if they come too near, and indeed they turn cowardly and run off as soon as they see the stick, beating their wings back and forth and looking silly. Right and left of the road are barns, haystacks, and gardens, all of them looking just like Herr Neumann’s, after which there is Herr Schwinghammer’s farmyard, which is an inn, followed by a crossroads, the road to the left leading to the main square of Umlowitz, while to the right is the highway to Zartlesdorf, which Josef turns into with the cattle. Then there are a couple of houses as the road slowly begins to climb, and then on the right is the power station that some would like to convert to a grange once the new power station that runs on water is completed, at least according to Herma, which would mean the local amateur theater troupe could move into it and have its own stage, though until then the troupe will continue to perform in the large hall at Herr Schwinghammer’s inn.
Then the road climbs farther up the mountain, soon reaching the heights of Haselberg, its peak sitting off to the left, a short while after which a cart path forks off to the left, which in some places is cut deep into the clay, so that it looks like a ravine. Something similar also can be seen onstage when William Tell is performed, a classic work by Schiller that the local theater does, it pleasing Josef very much, though most folks in Umlowitz didn’t like it, saying that it involved too much talk and too little action, the play also damned hard to understand, such that nearly everyone had better things to say about The Country Girl or The Rape of the Sabine Women when they were put on. But Principal Bolek had insisted that a play by the prince of poets should be done in Umlowitz, in order to raise the standard of taste in Umlowitz, the principal saying that William Tell was just the ticket, for it is easy to understand, and because it’s not too sad, and because it is a celebration of freedom, which is the highest good of all. Some members of the local troupe were inspired by his suggestion, especially Frau Bilina, the wife of the dentist, who said that she’d once seen William Tell in a large theater in Linz many years ago, and it had moved her deeply, after which everyone agreed that it had to be put on. The principal had also promised to help them study the play in order to properly learn the verse and not declaim it in dialect, since it really is a classic work that simply won’t stand for any dialect. So they studied a good while and staged the play, but it pleased only a few, though the principal made sure that the entire sixth grade attended, the poor children having been granted free tickets, most of them not liking it at all, for they said it was much too long and hardly anybody sang in it, and there really ought to be singing when you go to the theater. From the Neumann family Herma went and took Josef along with her, but Rudolf said he wasn’t going to go, for he didn’t want to spoil all that good taste, while Arthur wasn’t in Umlowitz at all, and Herr Neumann never went to the theater anyway, saying that it just wasn’t for him, it being enough that he paid for his subscription, so that nothing else could be expected of him, though Fritz said he would go along, but when Herma called out that it was already late, Fritz, we have to go, he replied that he had thought about it and he wanted to stay home after all. Herma didn’t think that was at all right, but she was pleased by the play, because it is so interesting and inspired once you genuinely understand it.
Once you are through the clay path, the view opens, after which the path forks twice more, once to the right, then again to the left, Josef having hardly ever gone this far, coming out in a cornfield that belongs to Herr Neumann, the upper half of the field a part of Purtscher’s fields, while below thorns and scrub brush grow, as well as wild roses and hazelnut bushes, blackthorns and bushes whose name Josef doesn’t know, and between the bushes large stones. Josef gathers some of them when he makes a fire, as well as small stones that he stuffs into his pocket, for he needs stones when the goats stray too far and run across the field or into the bushes, forcing him to shoo the goats, though they are only small stones and therefore no cruelty to animals is involved, it doesn’t harm the goats, and there’s no other way of handling them.
In the upper reaches of the field the forest already begins and rises up even higher, but in the pasture Josef is often alone the entire day, except when it begins to rain, though he had already learned a bit about observing the weather, and if the clouds were threatening he drew the herd together. Otherwise he remained up there and headed home only at the sound of the church bell, which told him it was six o’clock, the time when the cows needed to be led home, it going much faster than it did when taking them out to pasture. The first time Josef went to the pasture he herded the livestock along too quickly, for though it didn’t bother the goats it was not good for the cows, they becoming restless and therefore not digesting well. As Arthur happened to observe this from afar, he came over to Josef and said that he shouldn’t be doing that, as it was bad for the cattle to run so much, for the animals are too heavy and sluggish, and you had to be careful in order that the cows give good milk and don’t get sick. Which is why Josef now moves along slowly, though heading home still takes a lot less time than going out to pasture.
Out in the fields Josef has little to do, for it’s easy to keep an eye on the animals, and all he has to do is glance over at them from time to time, the cattle hardly stirring because they are so content, everything fine with the goats as well. Normally Josef looks for a spot way up the hillside almost to the edge of the forest, where he can easily see the animals and has a wonderful view. Just below him are the fields and farther off in the valley lies Umlowitz, looking like a picture-postcard of itself with a stamp in the corner and the words “Panorama of Umlowitz” printed at the bottom, though from above it looks much more glorious than on the colored postcard, everything is alive and so marvelous in the sunlight, the parish church and its tower in the middle, as well as the high roof of the church. From there you can figure out where Herr Neumann’s house is, for it’s directly across from the church, a little left of the tower, while beyond that it’s hard to make out the other houses, though the power station can clearly be seen in the foreground and to the right, where the highway to Meinetschlag runs, while at the very edge of town are three villas, one belonging to the dental technician Bilina, who serves the farmers from the area, the neighboring villas belonging to Fräulein Leirer, one of which she rents to people from the city in summer. But not many people come here for the summer to relax and replenish themselves, since Umlowitz is so far off the beaten track that hardly anyone knows of it, the rail lines far enough away that no one can easily reach Umlowitz without a barouche like Herr Neumann’s, since only once a morning does the mail wagon go to the train station, which is nearly fifteen kilometers away, it taking three hours to get there by foot, the dusty road easily giving rise to blisters, especially when it’s hot, while the mail wagon doesn’t return until the afternoon, itself just an open wagon, the back of which is full of mailbags and packages, there being enough room for only two people up front by the driver, though they can’t be too fat, for only one person the size of Herr Neumann would find room to fit.
There is always a lot of fuss when the mail wagon gets ready to head off, for then the postmistress, Fräulein Schunko, has so much to do that no one is allowed to talk to her, nor will she sell anyone so much as a stamp, not to mention send a telegram, while it’s even worse in the afternoon when the mail wagon returns, especially when there are a lot of packages, for everything has to quickly be sorted, the two mailmen whose routes are in Umlowitz and some carriers who serve the surrounding countryside helping the postmistress, the front desk clerk not helping with the letters but worrying about the packages instead, thus causing him to break out into a heavy sweat. At such a time there is no hope of getting any service at the post office, and anyone who needs something must be patient in order not to disturb the postmistress or make her nervous until she is finally finished and has a cup of coffee, after which she tells the people waiting that she’s at their service once more. The mail is then carried off to be delivered, though the mailmen serving the rural routes do not go to their villages until the next morning, their routes often quite difficult to traverse, as they battle rain and snow in order to get the mail to isolated farms and hunting lodges wherever they happen to be.
Since everything is so difficult in Umlowitz, strangers rarely pass through town, visiting only when they absolutely must, or if they are relatives who are picked up by the barouche or with a hay wagon. Herma says that Principal Bolek has long desired that Umlowitz would become a tourist destination, since Umlowitz sits 676 meters above the Adriatic Sea and possesses all the amenities needed for a mountain spa, while if you tested all the water and springs from the area, who knows if there might not exist healing waters and wells, such as you see in Karlsbad, and to which people travel for their health, gathering there from all over the world and bringing along so much money that the natives become rich themselves. But unfortunately there is not enough money to test the water, Rudolf chuckling about it and saying that if the water had some special value it would have been discovered long ago, there being no need for the principal to be the first to lead them to it. Yet Herma believes that the principal means well, and he himself says that if the kind of water needed to open a world-class spa doesn’t exist there is still a lot that can be done to increase the tourist trade in Umlowitz, if only the right entrepreneurial spirit existed, the principal not understanding why Herr Schwinghammer, who has plenty of money, doesn’t build a hotel, though first one would need a rail line that traveled closer to Umlowitz. Plans for such a project had long existed, though they had never been realized, for Umlowitz is located in such a neglected area, and the politicians had never shown much appreciation for it, which is why the principal will not vote for Wackermann the next time around, he being the representative for the district, the principal determined instead to vote for an opposition candidate, though even he would have to first promise that he’ll take better care of Umlowitz. At one time the rail-line project had gone so far that they began to survey the land, and everyone knew where it was supposed to be installed, just a quarter of an hour from the church, where old lady Praxel’s little house stands, which can be seen from the fields, but then the war came, which caused so much suffering, the rail-line project also falling victim to it, while now no one knows what will happen to the republic.
The principal goes on and on with anyone about this, and Herr Neumann says that the principal likes to feel important, though he’s done a great deal for the town, at which Rudolf protests and says that it’s ridiculous, you need only take a look at the schoolchildren to see how good the principal really is. Indeed, he must know a great deal, Josef thinks to himself, even if the children don’t know much themselves, and even if the reason for this is that there are too many children for the school, classes having to be divided into classes of boys and girls, adding up to twelve classes with a minimum of sixty in each, there being no way for Principal Bolek to teach each of them. A lot is said in Umlowitz about the principal’s plans, Josef often hearing people talk about this in Herr Neumann’s shop, saying how wonderful the principal’s dreams and wishes are, such as building a park with benches and a music pavilion, where the Umlowitz orchestra could play, directed by Herr Kreissel, the singing teacher at the school who twice a year presents a concert in Herr Schwinghammer’s banquet hall. The principal also wants to see proper paths installed, with fine gravel that won’t hurt one’s feet, nothing more being required in Umlowitz, people will indeed come, as word will start to get around about all the black currants to be had, as well as raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries, so many mushrooms to be found in the forests that many are left to rot because there are too many to gather, since one can pick only what he needs for himself, almost all of the boletus disappearing, for no one wants the others, everyone drying the sliced mushrooms in their kitchens at home. On top of this the air is so good in Umlowitz, mainly because of the mountains, as well as the lovely forests, there being no better air to be found anywhere, there also being no tuberculosis like in the cities.
All of this occurs to Josef when he is out in the pasture and the town lies peaceful before him, stretching from Fräulein Leirer’s villa out to Praxel’s little cabin, while across the way stands the Thomasberg, some 814 meters high, topped by a rounded dome of dense forest, Herma having twice taken Josef there, which made him very happy, while behind the Thomasberg there are still higher mountains, though they are a ways off, not all of them visible from the fields, especially when they are higher than a thousand meters, the country’s border also nearby and running straight along the peaks. Josef had never been there, but Herr Neumann had already promised that some Sunday they would take the barouche, in which four people could travel, six really, though only four inside, one having to sit up front with Toni on the coach box, from which nevertheless the view is even better without the roof of the barouche in the way. Yet when Josef rides along he likes to do so inside, where it is much darker, though more refined, for you have to find a way to ride out the bumps, and everything there is elegantly upholstered, comfortably cushioned and so wonderfully bouncy, as Josef has often found out with Otto, the two of them climbing in and bouncing away, just as if the barouche were really moving, though Arthur had reacted by saying that Josef is already much too old for that sort of thing, and that the barouche is not a toy.
Because it’s so hard for tourists to get to Umlowitz, it’s always a great event when they do, one that always has some special reason behind it. This is why the children of Umlowitz have hardly ever seen an automobile, though the great landowner Dordogneux, whose name Josef doesn’t exactly know how to spell for sure, this man was a count when there had still been an emperor, and Count Dordogneux lives in a castle in Gratzen and has an automobile. Once he drove through Umlowitz in it when classes were under way at the school, all the children yelling “An automobile!” the teacher, Herr Lopatka, saying that, indeed, it was an automobile, then all the children piled out of their benches and rushed to the windows in order to see it, though Herr Dordogneux had only driven through Umlowitz and had never stopped.
Now and then a salesman travels to Umlowitz in order to show the new wares in his many suitcases, and when he comes he rents a wagon that he picks up at the station before traveling on to Umlowitz, where he gets out at Herr Schwinghammer’s inn, though he doesn’t eat there, except for breakfast, since he sleeps there, for otherwise he is busy making his rounds. His name is Herr Lieblich, and in Umlowitz he visits only Herr Neumann and Herr Iltis, as well as Herr Kosteletz, who doesn’t have as big a shop as Herr Neumann and Herr Iltis. At Herr Kosteletz’s he makes only a quick visit, and doesn’t bring in all of his suitcases, but when he visits Herr Neumann and Herr Iltis he stays for a long time and brings along all of his suitcases, which he cannot carry alone, which is why Herr Schwinghammer’s farmhand and maid cart them along, Herr Lieblich carrying only one case. Herr Neumann is always pleased when Herr Lieblich visits, though Herr Lieblich always announces his visits by letter ahead of time, so that Herr Neumann will know when he will arrive, and when Herr Lieblich steps into the store Leopold calls out, “Good day, Herr Lieblich!” After which he yells more loudly, “Herr Lieblich is here!” And everyone comes rushing in, for they all have time when Herr Lieblich is there, greetings exchanged all around, Herr Neumann and Arthur and Rudolf and Herma, even Otto, hurrying along and exclaiming that Herr Lieblich has arrived, everyone shaking his hand, Leopold already knowing that he’ll have some plum brandy right off, at which Herr Lieblich lifts his shot glass, looks around at everyone, stretches out the hand holding the shot glass as if it were a barbell he was about to lift, as he calls out “Cheers! Cheers!” to each of them and drinks down the plum brandy and says heartily, “That felt good!” Then everyone has lots to say, first about the weather, what kind of year it’s been, how the harvest is looking, and what is most important to Herr Neumann, namely business and family, as well as what Herr Lieblich has done with himself since they last saw him, how business has been in the district, and whether Herr Iltis has bought less than usual.
So it goes for a while, until Leopold lifts a case and lays it on the counter so that Herr Lieblich can open it and show what he has for wares, though they are full of samples that are not for sale and are only for show. Herr Neumann and Rudolf and Arthur become interested and talk about whether they could use this or that, Herr Lieblich always pointing out which ones will sell very well, or how many he has sold of something already, what great business he has been doing, and if Herr Neumann wants some good advice, then he should order it, for he’ll then see people rush through the doors, simply because they’ll be wild about it, which is why it would be best for Herr Neumann to order now, otherwise it could happen that there might not be enough wares to fill subsequent orders, or it just might be too late. Some things are just rubbish, says Arthur, which is what something is called that is not as good as Herr Lieblich thinks it is, though Herr Lieblich immediately replies that it’s not rubbish at all, because his firm has nothing to do with rubbish, to which Rudolf says that, indeed, it may not be rubbish but it’s still no good to them in the store, for nobody will buy it. Then samples appear, which no one calls rubbish, while Herr Neumann says that they are very good articles but the kind of thing that sells only in the city and not in Umlowitz, because here the people like simple things that are cheap and not too expensive, because people save their money, especially since the war, for they don’t have much money and some have lost everything after purchasing a lot of war bonds, and no one knows now what to do with war bonds. Meanwhile Herr Lieblich says to Herr Neumann that he certainly knows what is best, and he agrees that you can’t order everything, but he does wish to point out that Herr Iltis has already placed his order, and in Strobnitz, a market town in the district, Herr Lieblich has had numerous orders for the time under discussion, so many, in fact, that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to fill them all, for he also has to serve the other proprietors of the district who are his long-standing customers.
Whenever Herr Neumann orders something, Herr Lieblich’s face lights up even more than before, he is so delighted as he takes out a little booklet with a soft brown cover on which it says “Orders,” after which he then inserts two pieces of carbon paper and writes down the list of goods that Herr Neumann wants, it always being a good number. Once one case has been sorted through, there follows another, but whenever a customer comes in everything stops, otherwise everyone is happy to keep looking, though Leopold gets upset whenever Herr Lieblich visits, because he has to continue to work and doesn’t get to see all the things that Herr Lieblich is there to show off. One case is full of women’s goods and fabric samples, and that’s when Herr Neumann asks for Herma’s opinion, which she then gives, telling him what she likes, what he should order and what he should not, as Herr Lieblich says how clever she is, and how happy it makes him to see a woman involved in a business, because women understand some things much better. With this he flashes Herma a charming smile, to which she only laughs and says nothing further. Then Herr Lieblich reaches for a hand-dyed purse made of real silk and a piece of soap scented with lily of the valley and a lovely thimble, all of which he presents to Herma as a gift, while in another case Herr Lieblich has samples that you can play with, even if they aren’t toys in their own right, and from these he always chooses something for Otto, which makes him happy and for which he waits in expectation, Josef getting something as well, while for Herr Neumann there’s a leather tobacco pouch, even though he already has quite a few that he doesn’t use, including one made from a pig’s bladder that he carries in his pocket, while Arthur gets a fountain pen, about which he says that it won’t work for long, Rudolf getting a notebook, Leopold a nail cleaner, anyone who happens to be in the store getting something as well.
Once Herr Lieblich has shown all of his wares, which can take a couple of hours, Herr Neumann says that Herr Lieblich should come along with him, for Herma has cooked something good and Herr Lieblich must surely be hungry, Herr Neumann having slaughtered a chicken earlier. He always goes through the yard and deftly grabs a chicken, pressing it between his legs and bending over to rip out some feathers just below the throat, at which he pulls out a long knife and cuts the chicken’s throat so that the blood quickly flows out and the chicken is dead, its wings still flapping a bit and its legs still twitching away for quite a while, Josef having been upset the first time he saw it, though he calmed down once someone explained to him that the chicken was dead already, and only its nerves were causing it to still move. Then Herr Lieblich is led into the kitchen and served a bowl of soup, after which he has some chicken that has been cooked in a paprika sauce, there being also dumplings along with it which Herma is so good at making, Poldi able to make only simple things, while afterward there is coffee and cake, though to drink there is also beer from Herr Schwinghammer’s. All during this Herr Lieblich is told many things, but once he has eaten his fill and there are no more stories to tell he thanks them for the friendly hospitality, kisses Herma’s hand, and says a heartfelt goodbye to everyone, after which Herr Lieblich heads off and someone shows up from the inn to pick up his cases.
Otherwise there are few visitors, only Adolf arriving two or three times a year, he not able to visit more often because of his wife, while he stays for only an hour when he does come, no one doing anything special for him, as only Herma serves him a coffee and says that he should have a look at the yard, and that Otto should show him the way, at which Adolf takes off already, saying that he’ll be back when he next has business in Umlowitz. The townsfolk of Umlowitz, however, never visit Herr Neumann when they don’t have something they are looking for, and even if they do visit most of them stand at the front of the store, nor do people sit out on a Sunday or during the evening as they do in the city, because everyone has something to do all day, and everyone sees everyone else all the time, few people even taking the time to eat together, while some eat something later on, because they have too much to do, though that is also good, since there are not enough places at the table. For the most part, Josef and Otto eat together, Herma normally joining them at the table and sometimes Herr Neumann, Poldi always bringing the heaping plates, which are so hot that Josef is amazed at how steady she holds them without spilling anything or scalding herself. Whenever Herr Neumann or Rudolf and Arthur or Herma are at dinner, sometimes someone calls out, at which they have to rush out right away because something is going on in the store or in the yard, and so they let the food sit in the middle of the table. Often it gets cold, and if it all takes too long Poldi carries the plates away and scrapes the food, if there’s enough left, into the pot, for Poldi says that it can still be eaten. Everyone eats a lot, so there is always something cooking and the pots are never empty, there is always someone who wants to eat, the large bake oven also never going out after it’s lit early in the morning, until late at night when it’s shut down, though the stovetop remains hot for a while. Poldi makes goose noodles, which are oats used to fatten a goose, laying the oats on the hearth so that they roast, but not too much. Meanwhile, when Poldi eats she doesn’t sit at the table but rather on a stool in front of the oven, where she chews away and holds a plate on her lap as she bends over her food, Toni doing this as well and all the people who work in the yard.
Kreibidi the cat also sits next to the stove, lazy and fat and purring throughout the evening, while during the day she spends most of her time in the yard chasing the chickens and the pigeons, after which Kreibidi hides in the granary or in the hayloft, where there are lots of mice, though Arthur says she rarely catches a mouse, because she gets too much to eat already, but Poldi is very fond of Kreibidi and constantly gives her milk, Kreibidi becoming so used to it that she hardly even sniffs at the potato placed in front of her instead. Foxy is also around, though he is not a proper dog breed but rather a village mutt. Completely black, Foxy is always running around, but he’s not allowed in the store, and whenever someone catches him there he’s immediately chased off, for there’s nothing for a dog in the store, Leopold the one who usually has to send him packing, as he’s the one who is in the store the most, he opening the kitchen door and yelling at Foxy to get out, Leopold giving him a light kick as he goes through the door, not to hurt him but so that he knows that he shouldn’t be in the store. Then Leopold quickly closes the door, for otherwise Foxy would come straight back in, since Foxy is not that afraid of Leopold and is completely tame, sniffing anyone who comes along, his tail wagging, never barking or biting.
Foxy’s best friend is Otto, who often plays with him by the hour, the two of them rolling around the ground or on the sofa until Otto is completely filthy and someone has to give him a vigorous scrubbing. Foxy lets Otto do whatever he wants, even if he grabs him by the snout or lightly steps on his tail, only yelping when someone steps on his paw, after which Foxy needs to be petted and calmed down, everyone happy to do so, even Herr Neumann, despite having hardly enough time. Poldi gives Foxy his food, but in a different dish than Kreibidi, though neither pays attention to the other, nor does either take anything from the other’s dish, since each has plenty to eat already. Everyone tosses Foxy the tastiest bits, though Rudolf doesn’t, for he says that to overfeed a dog is the same as animal cruelty, and Foxy has too much to eat already, and if Rudolf had his own dog he’d make sure to properly train him so that he didn’t always run around and bark, as well as make sure that he was a proper dog rather than a street dog like Foxy. Rudolf, in fact, is right about Foxy being badly raised, for he’s only been given a name and taught to put out both paws when someone calls out, “Foxy, give us a paw! Foxy, give us the other paw!” Sometimes Foxy goes along with Josef out to the fields or into the meadow, sometimes running ahead, but only rarely, and even then he stays only a little while, instead running around for a while and he’s gone before you know it, though there’s no need to worry, for Foxy always finds his way home.
When there’s a lot to do, sometimes Praxel comes to help. She is the woman who lives in a shed down by the train station. Praxel is a terribly nice woman, sweet as they come, but she is afraid because she lives alone and has no one in the world, her husband having died long ago, as well as two children, both of whom died from scarlet fever in the same week, Praxel’s heart remaining empty ever since. She is poor and has only her little hut with a tiny yard and a patch of garden, as well as a goat that provides her with milk, and four chickens, these all the animals that she owns. But since Praxel is so afraid because she lives alone, it happened that one night around 10 P.M. there was a loud pounding at the door, such that everyone thought there was a fire in Umlowitz and that Arthur should come, since he is a member of the volunteer fire department, but there was no fire. Otto had already been put to bed, while Josef was reading an old book that Herma had lent him, which was called The Adventures of Draga Maschin, an exciting story of the Serbian queen, and Herr Neumann had just been reading the paper and smoking a pipe, while Rudolf was away, and Herma was writing a letter to Erwin, as well as a note to Josef’s parents to let them know how he was doing, since he didn’t want to write anything more than a brief hello. Meanwhile Fritz was also at home and sitting at the table with tubes of saccharin and a jar of confectioner’s sugar, as he continually emptied a tube of saccharin onto a piece of paper and then mixed in some confectioner’s sugar, after which he filled the tube again with the mixture, so that there was always some saccharin left over, which Fritz then set aside, the saccharin having come from over the border. Yet Poldi was also there, reading her Farmer’s Almanac on her stool, Arthur having lain down on the couch because he was tired, and only looking on at what the others were doing, the pounding on the door so loud that everyone rushed about, Arthur jumping to his feet, while the others stopped what they were doing and Poldi called out that she would go see what was the matter, and no sooner had she left than Fritz and Arthur followed, only to hear Praxel yelling that it was she, Praxel, and could they open the door quickly, at which Poldi turned the heavy key, which Josef was never able to turn in the lock, then threw back the bolt and opened the door.
Praxel then ran straight into the kitchen, her hair undone and herself pale as a ghost, her whole body trembling. She also wasn’t properly dressed and had on only a slip and a blouse that she always wore to bed, while because she hadn’t been able to untie her head scarf, she had run out with it in her hand. And now Praxel was standing there in the kitchen unable to say a word because she was so upset, everyone immediately asking her what had happened, all of them circling round her, Poldi and Herma helping her to pull herself together, making sure that Praxel took a chair and sat down. Then Praxel yelled out that there were robbers, though she couldn’t quite say it right, so that no one understood what kind of robbers she meant, or where, everyone asking at the same time as Arthur said that Praxel needed to calm down a bit, otherwise no one could understand what was going on. She replied by saying that she couldn’t calm down, because it was a disaster, and then that they were poor people who had nothing, and that it was a disgrace, for she was an old widow who had never harmed a hair on anyone’s head, and that everything had been taken from her, just as she was about to go to sleep and blow out the candle, that’s when she heard noises, though she had thought it was nothing, after which she blew out the candle and got into bed, but then she heard something again, her heart starting to pound, since after the war there were so many bad characters about, God forgive them, and then she heard a plate break, at which she gathered her courage and ran out of the room and into the kitchen. Soon as the robbers heard her they were gone out the window, though Praxel couldn’t run after them, they were young boys who were as quick as rabbits, carrying nothing on them but what they found in the dark, though she did start to run as fast she had ever run in her life, all the while calling out, “Robbers! Robbers!”
At this Praxel could say no more, for she was trembling so and couldn’t catch her breath, Herr Neumann asking if she wanted a schnapps, though Herma said that Praxel didn’t need any schnapps but rather strong coffee and something to eat, while Praxel herself said “coffee.” Poldi then went straight to the oven, the fire almost having died out, only a few hot coals remaining, though Poldi said that she would use some kindling to get the fire going again, and that what had happened to Praxel was outrageous, Poldi already having placed some kindling in the oven, a large fire soon following, at which she put on water for coffee. Praxel said that she would die of fright, though Herma reassured her that there was nothing to be afraid of here, since all the men were there, Arthur and Fritz, who could handle anyone, she just needed to calm down and not get herself so worked up, for she needed to think of her heart. Tonight it would be best if Praxel slept here on the sofa, and if she was still afraid tomorrow they would set up a bed for her in the room where Otto and Poldi sleep, since there is a free bed there, though Praxel kept on about what a burden she would be. If she had been younger the robbers wouldn’t have gotten away, she would have thrown a pot of hot water and her clogs at them, doing anything she could to chase off those bandits. But she hadn’t been able to do anything, and there was nothing to stop them from coming back, which meant that Praxel could never feel at ease in her little hut, and that she was only glad that she could now stay with Herr Neumann.
Herr Neumann said that it was a terrible shame, but there was also no reason she couldn’t stay as long as she felt nervous, after which he asked her if she had anything in the kitchen that the robbers might want to take, to which Praxel said that she didn’t think there was anything there, because the little bit of money she had was hidden in her room, for she never left it out of her reach at night. Praxel kept her money in a yellow change purse that she always took with her to bed and placed under the pillow, sleeping tight against it so that no one could take it away, for she would surely wake up if they tried, though it was possible that the robbers had taken the goat and the hens. Meanwhile Herr Neumann said that Praxel shouldn’t worry anymore about it, for if someone had taken anything from her he would replace it, there was no reason to worry at all. Tears then welled up in Praxel’s eyes and she said that Herr Neumann had always been so good to her, as had the late Frau Neumann, God bless her, and that God in heaven would surely grant Herr Neumann entry into paradise someday. Then Fritz said that he wasn’t afraid, and he grabbed a knife and an iron bar and was ready to head out for Praxel’s cabin, much to Josef’s surprise, though Fritz was always ready for any challenge, and he’d already told Arthur that he should come along, for they had to see what the robbers had taken, and for that they needed a storm lantern from the dairy. Arthur replied that he was ready to go, but that first they should alert the police in order that they know exactly what had happened to Praxel, Arthur suggesting they stop at police headquarters first and bring one of them along, though Fritz didn’t want to bother and said that Arthur didn’t have enough faith in him, at which Arthur laughed, and Herr Neumann said that Fritz was being dumb, Arthur was right, that’s what the police are for, and Arthur should go straight to them.
Arthur then put on his jacket, but didn’t take his cap, while Fritz stayed behind, for Arthur could go to the police on his own, and Praxel had already said how good it was of Arthur to do so, since the police should be the ones to catch the robbers. By then Poldi had finished making the coffee and Herr Neumann lit a pipe, pointing a finger at Fritz and motioning for him to sit down at the table, but in such a way that Praxel didn’t notice, Fritz understanding immediately, at which he cleared the saccharin and the sugar from the table, for the business with the saccharin was a shortcut to trouble, as it wasn’t legal to mix it with sugar. Nonetheless Poldi had pressed a large cup of coffee into Praxel’s hands, followed by three heaping spoons of sugar, leaving the spoon in the cup so that Praxel could stir it well, although she was still so upset that she completely forgot to stir her coffee, her hand jiggling the cup so that she spilled a bit of coffee, though not that much. Herma then stirred it for her and said that Praxel should drink some while the coffee was still hot, it would do her good, after which Herma asked Praxel if she didn’t want a little something to eat, Praxel answering that she didn’t want anything, though Herma didn’t believe her and gave Poldi the sign to bring something. Poldi understood straight off and cut a large slice of bread and spread it with goose lard, since they’d just had some goose lard themselves, Poldi handing the piece of bread to Praxel, who indeed ate it, taking a big bite of it, while whenever Praxel forgot to eat Herma was there to remind her, until Praxel had eaten enough, at which Poldi brought her a second cup of coffee.
By then Arthur was already back, along with two armed police officers, to whom he had explained everything, though they still asked Praxel about everything that had happened, she telling it all once again, just what had happened, after which the police asked if she could give them her key so that they wouldn’t have to break in or climb through the window. Praxel began to look for it, and was immediately shocked to realize that she had left it in the door, such that she was completely beside herself. The police cautioned how unwise it was to do that, for Praxel should have locked the door and taken the key with her, but Praxel shouted that she ran off as fast as she could, which was why she had forgotten everything, at which she remembered that she had left her change purse under her pillow. Praxel then began to weep bitterly, for by now it was all gone for sure, the cup of coffee falling out of her hand, the coffee spilling onto the floor and the cup breaking. Everyone then comforted Praxel, laying her back down on the sofa, the police saying that usually robbers didn’t immediately return to the scene of the crime once they had been scared off, because they would be afraid to, though the police were ready to head over to the cabin, Arthur and Fritz accompanying them, as everyone wished them luck as they left.
After this Praxel calmed down a bit, as everyone wished her well before heading off to bed, even Herr Neumann, though Josef wanted to stay up, but Herma said it was already midnight and Poldi should go to bed, Herma would sit up with Praxel so that she wouldn’t be afraid, while the two of them would wait for Arthur and Fritz to return with the police, Herma promising Josef that she would tell him all about it in the morning, but now he had to go to bed. The next morning Herma did indeed fill him in, telling him that no trace of the robbers had been found, and that nothing had been stolen from Praxel, the key was still in the lock, the purse was under the pillow, even the goat and the chickens were there, and only two plates broken in the kitchen, which Herr Neumann would pay for in order that Praxel would not suffer any more than she already had. Praxel stayed with them for three nights, after which she said she felt it was safe to go home. Arthur brought her a padlock from the store, Leopold having searched for it, and it was arranged for Praxel to get a dog that would keep a lookout so that she wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore, everything finally working out for Praxel, though she remained afraid and made sure to lock herself in at night.
Up in Purtscher’s fields, Josef thinks about Praxel. He thinks about everything that goes on in Umlowitz, as one day runs into another, everything that he has seen and heard, though he doesn’t know that many people, just those who come to Herr Neumann’s house and yard, Josef knowing as well the people he is sent to on errands, and the folks in the neighborhood, such as Sekora the butcher, though many of them he doesn’t know at all. Sometimes he sees how Poldi chats with one of Sekora’s assistants, and sometimes he sees Toni and how he talks about horses with the elder Sekora, who no longer works. Josef also knows Herr Schwinghammer and Frau Schwinghammer, who run the inn where the local theater troupe plays, as well as the orchestra, and the Schwinghammers’ huge dog, which is even bigger than Cappi, though the dog is a good-natured beast and suits the Schwinghammers well, for they are also huge. Herr Schwinghammer in fact resembles Rübezahl, the old man of the mountains, though he doesn’t have a beard, and Frau Schwinghammer is tall and much heavier than Herr Neumann.
Josef knows Herr Dechant, the priest, by sight, he being the one who performs the service in the church, as well as funerals and weddings, which Josef can hear when the horn music plays that is normally played at Herr Schwinghammer’s for people to dance to. When it’s a funeral, Josef rushes out of the store, as well as Otto and whoever else wants to, as the funeral procession leaves the church, the altar boy in front in black and white, carrying a cross, followed by the musicians, who play only a chorale at funerals, sometimes Fritz singing a text that Josef doesn’t understand very well, since it’s all in dialect, he knowing only a part of it, understanding just the bit that goes:
It’s happn’d again, it’s happn’d again, someone’s dii-ied again,
I swear ’tis so—
Knock ’im down, knock ’im down, and cu-urse,
the dirty rogue.
But Poldi says it’s a great sin when Fritz sings this, nor does Herma like it, but Fritz sings it nonetheless, even if no one wants to hear it, yet Otto loves to hear it and sings along as well. The musicians are followed by the funeral wagon with the coffin, loads of flowers and wreaths upon it, after which there often follows the volunteer firemen, Herr Dechant bringing up the rear with a cross in his hand, followed by two more altar boys and the mourners and sometimes other groups, all of them marching from the church and past Herr Neumann’s store to the cemetery, which is not very far away.
Josef also knows the family of Herr Bilina, the dental technician, who once worked on one of his teeth and took care of it quite easily and without all the fuss normal for a dentist. Herr Bilina is also a photographer, and though he does it mostly for his own pleasure, he is willing to do it for a fee. Once Herma went with Josef to Herr Bilina, for Josef really wanted a photograph taken of the two of them together so that he could give the picture to his mother for her birthday. Herr Bilina was quite happy to do so as Herma chatted away with Frau Bilina, the two of them talking about everything that was going on in Umlowitz, after which Herr Bilina came in and said that he had prepared the plates, and that Herma and Josef should come into the garden, since in such weather he could take a better picture outside than in the office, at which everyone moved out to the garden. There the dental technician had set up a backdrop that belonged to the theater troupe in which Frau Bilina acted, Herr Bilina having allowed the troupe to use a shed in the garden, Herr Bilina’s younger brother, who worked as an assistant to the dental technician, also helping out by painting the backdrops in his free time, most of the time through his own inspiration, though mostly using models, Frau Bilina claiming that the younger Bilina was a great artist as she said, “My brother-in-law should really live in the city, where he could earn a great deal with his paintings. However, my husband thinks it better that he remain here and help him.”
Everything was ready for the photograph, Josef stood with Herma in front of the backdrop that depicted Italy with the great volcano that was there, as well as the sea and the palm trees, ships appearing on the water, as Frau Bilina proudly said to Josef that his mother would be very pleased if the scenery also appeared in the photograph, for that is the panorama that one sees from Naples. But Josef already knew this backdrop, for it had been used as scenery in William Tell, although William Tell takes place in Switzerland and not in Italy. Herma said that such a thing could happen only in Umlowitz, but not in a regular theater, there one would be able to paint another backdrop if one thought of it in time, and that Principal Bolek had discovered it too late, just in time for the dress rehearsal, and though he complained a great deal that such a backdrop wasn’t right for William Tell, and that another one should quickly be painted, on which there should appear the Alps, the younger Bilina didn’t have time, because the elder Bilina had too much to do, at which the members of the troupe told Herr Bolek that it was already too late, there was nothing that could be done, and that Vesuvius is also a mountain like the Alps, and that it doesn’t matter if it spews forth fire, for people won’t notice, and not everyone knows that Vesuvius is in Italy, or even that this mountain was supposed to be Vesuvius, and hardly anyone knows that William Tell takes place in Switzerland, while Herr Bolek remained against using it, though there was nothing more he could do about it. That’s how the backdrop ended up in William Tell, even though no one made anything of it, since people found the play much too serious anyway, yet now Josef was glad to have it as background.
Frau Bilina gave Herma and Josef plenty of good advice on how to arrange themselves and what kind of expressions they should make, as well as how to place their feet and hands so that they didn’t look posed. Josef had wanted Herma to place a hand on his shoulder, and Frau Bilina showed her how to do that in a way that made for a nice effect. When Frau Bilina was finally done, Herr Bilina began to speak, for before he had been hidden under the black cloth at the back of the camera, but then Herr Bilina’s maid ran down to the garden to say that Fräulein Leirer had arrived, while Frau Bilina said that her husband wasn’t seeing any patients now, but instead was taking photographs. But the maid claimed that she had told Fräulein Leirer all of that already, but the Fräulein had nonetheless said that she had a toothache, otherwise she wouldn’t have come, at which Frau Bilina yelled up to the maid that once Herr Bilina was done with the photograph he would come up and look at Fräulein Leirer’s tooth. But Herr Bilina said nothing and simply remained under his black cloth, while Frau Bilina told Herma that Fräulein Leirer always did this when Herr Bilina wished to make a photograph, for in fact she had no toothache at all, there being nothing wrong with her teeth, she only had a touch of rheumatism in her teeth and all it took was an aspirin and for her to lie down for an hour, for there was nothing Herr Bilina could do for her, since one couldn’t take out all of her teeth just because they were sensitive. All the while Herr Bilina said nothing, but Frau Bilina remarked that around Umlowitz it was said that Principal Bolek was courting Fräulein Leirer, and though Frau Bilina didn’t want to say anything herself, it certainly could be. Then Herr Bilina announced that he was ready to take the photograph, at which he bent forward a little and shoved the camera closer and called out, “Please now, hold still, just for a moment!” Then at last Herr Bilina snapped the picture and it was finally done. He then said that he would develop it right away in order to see how it came out, and that Josef could pick it up on Saturday. Then Herr Bilina said a quick goodbye and was off to have a look at Fräulein Leirer’s sore tooth, Frau Bilina saying goodbye as well, but only after accompanying Herma and Josef to the front gate. The photograph, meanwhile, was a great success and they ordered a bunch of copies to pass along as gifts, Herma keeping one on her nightstand, as did Josef.
These are the people that Josef really knows in Umlowitz, some of them only by sight, while in school he really knows only Principal Bolek, his teacher, Lopatka, and Kreissel, the leader of the chorus who does the concerts at Schwinghammer’s. As for the other teachers, he barely knows their names, nor does he even know the children in his class, for he is rarely there, Lopatka noting as an excuse that Josef is always so pale, though whatever question the teacher asks him Josef knows the answer, and knows it much better than all the other children in Umlowitz. But whenever Josef needs something explained he always asks Rudolf, who is happy to help him, or even Arthur, though he has little time, Herma and Fritz and even Herr Neumann also helping out now and then, while Leopold is happy to explain how to handle the customers in a way that satisfies them. Thus Josef learns wherever he goes, asking anyone in the house or even Toni, who says he knows only about horses, coaches, hay carts, and the barouche, though Josef loves to listen to it all, while Poldi shows him how to milk a cow, even though she never lets him do it on his own, despite his pleading that at least he’d like to milk a goat. Praxel also knows a great deal, telling Josef old stories about what Umlowitz looked like a hundred years ago, fifty years ago, and before there were any oil lamps, or before there were any doctors in Umlowitz, when one had to travel to Krumau or farther, people preferring instead to simply let the Reverend come in order to administer final rites. When Praxel’s children came down with scarlet fever there was already a doctor in Umlowitz, but there was nothing he could do, and so Praxel also had to call the Reverend in order to have her children receive their last rites before they died. Since then, Praxel had trusted no doctor and wouldn’t think of calling one, even if she were a hundred years old, that time with the children being the only time she had done so. If it involved an everyday ailment, no one knew better than Praxel how to take care of it, she knew all the herbs, and if the good Lord could not help there was no help to be had from either a doctor or Praxel.
Up in Purtscher’s fields, Josef is happy and thinks that, if he were ever rich he would build a house here and live like others in Umlowitz or, better yet, he would see that the railroad came to Umlowitz, that a new power station was built down near the river, and that his own house stood at the edge of Umlowitz so that he could avoid all the smells from the cow barns, as well as all the flies. He’d like to return to the fields, as well as find a woman as good as Praxel who would bring him bread and milk and cheese, and he would light a big fire that would smell so sweet, and allow children to pick blackberries and strawberries in the woods, himself going into the woods in order to admire the swarms of red fly agaric in all their splendor, there being nothing finer, while he would own a barouche and travel about the district, climbing the high mountains at the border in order to see across Bohemia and Austria.
Meanwhile, yesterday Herma told Josef that maybe Herr Neumann would marry again, for he had placed an ad in the newspaper saying that he was looking for a nice woman of the same age who doesn’t have to have any money, since he needs none, though she must be hardworking, as there’s so much to do, though all she needs is to be in good health, the ad in the newspaper thus providing Herr Neumann with a slew of opportunities to meet another woman, since he had no time to do so on his own. Herma had said it was a good thing, for Herr Neumann was also getting older, Rudolf would most likely soon go off on his own, for he’d been offered a good position in a sugar factory, while the store should be handed on to Fritz, Adolf having already opened his own business, and Erwin wants to study, Arthur has no plans, since he wants to maybe buy his own farmyard and store in Kalsching, for which his father would have to pass his inheritance on to him now. Josef then asked Herma what she would do, to which she replied that perhaps she would marry as well and take Otto along with her, Herma adding at the end that, indeed, the new Frau Neumann would be arriving with her brother tomorrow in order to have a look at the farmyard and Herr Neumann. The next day Toni hitched up the barouche at four in the morning in order to be on time for the first train into the station and pick up the new Frau Neumann and her brother. Herr Neumann didn’t yet know the new Frau Neumann, but her letter had pleased him more than all the other letters he had received in response to his ad, which was why he had written her and sent a photograph of himself. The woman had then written him back and sent her own photo, after which the two had written each other again, and Herr Neumann had invited her to come visit, to which she responded that she would come with her brother.
Until now no one had known about Herr Neumann’s plans, but now everyone knew, there being a lot to get ready, at first someone suggesting that they slaughter a pig, but someone else said that slaughtering a pig was too much work, and it was also better that the new Frau Neumann got to know how things usually are, though everything was cleaned, Leopold clearing out the store and washing all the counters, Toni grooming the horses, Poldi checking on all the livestock, choosing two hens to slaughter and roast, Herma having already made a cake. Someone suggested that dinner be served on the second floor, where no one spent any time except to sleep, Praxel arriving to help out and clean the large room above, the apples swept up from the floor and a table placed in the middle of the room. Meanwhile Herma had made new curtains, since the others had hung there for many years, all the bedrooms above also being cleaned, including Herma’s room and the beautiful bedroom that was Herr Neumann’s, another for Rudolf and Arthur, then that which belonged to Erwin and Fritz, and where Josef now slept. No one really lived in these rooms but instead only slept in them, while in winter they weren’t even heated unless someone was sick and had to stay in bed, only Rudolf sometimes having spent time up there when he wanted to study, though now Herma covered each bed with a beautiful bedspread, everything spruced up for the visit. Even the hayloft and the granary were tidied up, as well as the barn in back, while the garden was raked clean where only some apple and plum trees grew, as well as an old wild apple tree, there being nothing else but jasmine, hydrangeas and lilacs, and grass. Herr Neumann even said that he had not even thought about flowers since the first Frau Neumann died, but Praxel said that she had plenty in her garden, and so she brought some along, Herma coming up with three vases, one for the kitchen table and two for the big table on the second floor. Herma set everything up the night before, Josef helping her, the good silver taken out, the plates and cups from the good china, as well as everything anyone could need, Josef very careful not to break anything, for Herma had said that some pieces had already been broken, the kitchen meanwhile filling with the smell of wonderful delicacies. That night everyone gathered, Herr Neumann had a few schnapps, the others drinking as well, even Josef and Otto, though Herma and Praxel, Poldi, and two maids had their hands full, Praxel even staying overnight to help.
In the morning Herr Neumann is up before sunrise. He dons a stiff collar and a proper tie, which he attaches to his shirt front with a tie pin. He then puts on a dark-brown suit that is too tight, such that it hardly covers his stomach, Arthur having ironed the suit for him the day before, since he was the best at ironing, while on his head Herr Neumann places an elegant and stiff black hat that he wears only to funerals or weddings, he looking much more elegant than Herr Iltis, who also has a hat like this. Herr Neumann then has a cup of coffee while standing up, as well as two pieces of cake, claiming that he has to try some for himself, after which he is done. Toni has already brought out the barouche and hitched up the horses, bringing the wagon out through the gate and past the Schwinghammers’ yard and around to the front of the house. Then he opens the door as Herr Neumann walks out, after which Toni opens the little door on the barouche, Herr Neumann climbs in, Toni closes the door again and climbs up to the coach box, and the barouche rattles over the cobblestones of the square and away from Umlowitz.
Otherwise everything proceeds as usual, for Herma says that nothing should be left undone, that Otto also needs to be dressed up, that the livestock have to be tended to, though no one heads out to the fields that day, the cattle are kept in the barn, and everyone dresses well, no one runs around barefoot, though the store is opened as usual, Leopold having to tend it on his own, himself very excited and wearing his best suit, a rose placed in his buttonhole, he not saying a word to anyone that Foxy is in the store, even Arthur letting it pass.
Then right before noon the barouche arrives, everyone in Umlowitz peers out their windows, some even stand in front of Herr Neumann’s store in order to see the new Frau Neumann and her brother. As they arrive, Toni jumps down from the coach box and opens the carriage. Herr Neumann steps out and is sweating, because the suit is so horribly tight, after which he bends back into the carriage and gives his hand to the new Frau Neumann, as she steps out with a handbag made of alligator skin and is almost as fat as Herr Neumann, the new Frau Neumann’s brother soon following, himself having a mustache like Herr Lopatka’s, though no one reaches out a hand to help the brother with his little traveling case that is clearly no longer that new. Everyone has gathered in front of the open door to the store in order to greet the guests, bowing to the new Frau Neumann, who shakes everyone’s hand, as does the brother, someone then suggesting that they head into the store, Leopold closing the door behind them. The guests head straight into the kitchen, where there is a lace tablecloth on the table, Herma right away serving a cup of coffee to the new Frau Neumann, who says that she is very happy to be here, for it looks like a pleasant place to live, everyone looking so healthy and happy that even Principal Bolek would be pleased. Then everyone sits down, though the men don’t drink any coffee, beer having been brought along from Schwinghammer’s, as well as schnapps, the brother saying that he prefers to drink caraway rather than plum schnapps, and so they brought him caraway, along with homemade rolls with cold cuts so that everyone is satisfied.
Once they are finished, someone informs the new Frau Neumann that they must now show her the house and the farmyard, and she says that she’d love to see them, the brother saying the same, the woman mentioning that she has already seen the store and that she was very pleased by it, the brother saying that he can clearly see what a fine store it is. Herr Neumann then informs them that there are no electric lights upstairs, though he will install some if she marries him, to which she replies that it doesn’t matter if there aren’t any lights, one needs only to lie down to sleep. Then she looks at the room where Herr Neumann has his desk, after which they return to the kitchen and move on through and up to the first floor in order to look at all the rooms where everyone sleeps, as well as the big room, where everything is set for lunch, Herr Neumann saying that they usually don’t eat upstairs. The new Frau Neumann replies that it’s all fine with her, at home in Prachatitz they also eat in the kitchen when there’s nothing special going on, after which everyone heads downstairs and out into the farmyard as Herr Neumann explains everything to the new Frau Neumann, the brother commenting on how well everything is fitted out, before they then walk around the stalls and look at the cattle, the woman saying that they looked like nice cows as she pats Cappi on the back. This pleases Herr Neumann, for he says that Cappi gives the most milk, after which they head into the granary, though they only look at the hayloft from down below in order not to ruin their nice clothes, and then they walk out the backdoor, where there are geese, at which the new Frau Neumann says right off what magnificent down they must provide, everyone agreeing with her about the geese, after which they inspect the barn and look at the garden, as Herr Neumann says that some flowers could be planted here, to which Frau Neumann nods in agreement. Then they all turn around and return to the second floor, since it’s already time to eat lunch, the guests sitting down, the new Frau Neumann sitting next to Herr Neumann, her brother beside her, while everyone else is busy carrying out the bowls, moving back and forth. The three talk among themselves, but then the soup is served, Herma having never made a better one, the brother unable to praise it enough and asking for the recipe for the dumplings, while as soon as the soup is finished Herr Neumann stands and says that the two of them have decided to marry, and the new Frau Neumann says that she would love to get married, though she hopes as well that soon Herr Neumann can visit Prachatitz, where the wedding will take place, she also wanting to show Herr Neumann her brother’s farm, after which, once they are married, she will return to Umlowitz with all of her things.
Everyone is pleased, Praxel crying and blubbering that Herr Neumann had always been so good to her, Poldi crying as well, everyone going up to Herr Neumann and the new Frau Neumann to congratulate them on their engagement, after which there is a lot of eating and drinking, until Josef is entirely exhausted from it all. Then it’s time for the new Frau Neumann and her brother to head off to the station, Toni having already gotten the barouche ready as the brother grabs a bag. Many bundles of food are packed into the barouche, as well as a full bottle of caraway schnapps for the brother, Poldi even going so far as to quickly grab all the flowers from the vases and tossing the bouquet to the new Frau Neumann in the barouche at the last minute, after which everyone continues to wave goodbye until the guests are finally driven off. By then everyone is really tired, Herr Neumann most of all, as he lies stretched out on the sofa in the kitchen and immediately starts to snore, Otto having already gone to bed, Foxy once again in the store as Leopold pets him and Josef falls asleep in his chair.