How should my church deal with this issue?
Dentist Drill – Novocain = Church Politics
We (Ron and Adam) have been serving together in a denomination that is in trouble. The Reformed Church in America is not just an organization. It is a set of friendships and ministry connections stretching back to before the United States was founded. Sadly, this web of community is being torn apart. In spite of numerous church statements on homosexuality, each one affirming the truths we have highlighted in this book, a growing number of our churches and leaders are promoting a pro-LGBT theology, including many pastors and professors at our colleges and seminaries.
Most of the time, we can do ministry in our local congregations without giving a second thought to these realities. We share the gospel, reach out to lost and broken people, and hold out the hope of transformation that is ours in Jesus. Most of the time.
Then there are the denominational gatherings. Leaders from churches around the country come together for a week of informational sharing, corporate worship, dialogue, and debate. It can be a great time of reunion with old friends and a chance to form new relationships.
At the same time, it is often an incredibly painful experience. Any illusions that “things really aren’t that bad” are swept away as our real differences come to light once again. Arguments are made. Rainbow-flag pins abound. Interest groups gather, pray, and plan. In the end, there are a lot of politics. It is easy to be turned off. But the temptation to simply dismiss the whole debacle is misguided. This isn’t just a debate over how we define a doctrine. In the end, our differences are producing diametrically opposed visions for gospel ministry.
Our denominational experience is really just one small manifestation of a fault line that is forming in the church.
The Ground Is Starting to Shake
On Good Friday 1964, the greatest earthquake in American history shook Alaska, fracturing streets, shattering buildings, and unleashing tsunamis that rocked the coastline. Some areas of land were thrust high into the sky, others plummeted. In three minutes, this magnitude 9.2 quake tipped a domino rally of destruction that led to 131 deaths.1 It could have been much worse, but the population density in Alaska isn’t like that of the East Coast.
Imagine waking up to the quake. Imagine a fault line running through the middle of town, dividing one section from another. One set of buildings rushes thirty feet into the air. Another set drops by eight. The whole thing would seem like a random, sudden rush of events. But earthquakes don’t happen suddenly. They build for decades, centuries, millennia. As plates in the earth’s crust slowly move against each other, pressure builds. Eventually, that pressure exceeds the strength of the rock, snapping it like a rubber band pulled too far. Our experience of the earthquake is really just the last straw of a geological process that was taking place far beneath our great-great-grandmother’s kitchen table.
The church in America is moving through a season of division. You might be in a denomination that has clear statements. You might be in a nondenominational church where everyone agrees. You might think this issue is just something “out there.” But the kind of debates we have been having in our denominational gatherings will soon be working their way down to local congregations. We might experience different degrees of engagement with the issue, but the reality is the same: Over the next five to ten years, the American church will move through a “sorting.” Every pastor and local congregation will have to engage this issue and deal with it.
There are two ways to respond to challenging situations. The first is to be reactive. Here is a reactive response: You’re on a long road trip, when suddenly the oil light comes on. Because you didn’t check the oil at the last rest stop, you now have to deal with a breakdown on the highway. When we’re in reaction mode, we are usually surprised. We are rushing to deal with a pressing problem. Often, this means dropping whatever we’re doing, running over anyone in our path, and learning from our mistakes about how not to do something.
The other way to handle difficult situations is to be proactive. Proactive people take a look at where things are headed and do their best to plan accordingly. “Hope for the best; plan for the worst” is the motto of the proactive person. If we knew the earthquake was coming, we could do something to prepare for it.
The Question Behind the Questions
At the heart of this chapter is a basic question: If the local church is called to be a holy community of saved sinners, then how do we integrate and minister to sexually broken people? How can we both welcome people into our community and clearly distinguish what it means to be a member? Our local churches should be manifestations of God’s kingdom in a dark world. Hopefully, church members possess genuine faith. That means we have confessed our sins, embraced the gospel, and are seeking to shape our entire identity around God’s vision for our lives. In other words, it means committed, sometimes messy, discipleship.
In our “everyone’s welcome” world, the local church can easily become a collection of people who simply enjoy hanging out together, doing nice things, and singing happy songs. On the other hand, in our increasingly confused and debauched world, local churches can easily become defensive, reactionary fortresses that exclude anyone with obvious “issues.”
This chapter is our effort to inspire proactive responses in local churches. It is not a collection of cookie-cutter solutions to every possible scenario, but we hope it will lead churches to begin discussing ways to handle the tensions that will arise as we bring gospel ministry to a culture in upheaval.
Questions and Answers
How should our church outline the relational choices for a follower of Jesus who struggles with same-sex desire?
Every Christian is commanded to live a life of sexual purity. The only valid expression of sexuality is in the bonds of marriage—one man, one woman, for life (1 Corinthians 7). Every other sexual expression is sinful. For someone struggling with same-sex desire, this biblical boundary offers two valid choices: celibacy/singleness or heterosexual marriage.
For some who deal with homosexual desire, singleness will be their choice. They will take the energy, time, and resources that a good marriage demands and give them to the Lord as an offering. This of course comes with relational suffering. Humans are meant to be in intimate relationship. When this does not happen, a great void is left. Nevertheless, singles can have forms of relational intimacy that are not sexual. Thankfully, there are beautiful examples of men and women who are living this well. Sam Allberry is one such example—an Anglican pastor, writer, and someone who loves God, takes seriously his Scripture, and lives out the demands of it through a single life.2
For others, heterosexual marriage is a real choice. One of the sad obstacles to marriage for some who deal with same-sex attraction is the fear that they won’t have strong sexual feelings for their opposite-sex spouse. Sexual attraction is important, but I (Ron) can tell you that it comes and goes in marriage even among heterosexuals! Marriage is more than sex. You can be attracted to your spouse and still be struggling with same-sex attraction. Christian marriage is about companionship, stability, lifelong friendship, financial security, and providing an environment in which children can grow and thrive. Of course, sexuality is an essential component. A couple can have sexual intimacy even if one is struggling with same-sex issues. For sure, one should not bring ongoing sexual sin and darkness into a marriage, but if both a husband and wife enter into the covenant with their eyes wide open, there is no reason that the marriage cannot be a long-lasting, joyful union.
A member of our church is trying to get a petition together that will ask our local school district to ban the Gay-Straight Alliance club that has formed in the high school. This church member is passing the petition around in the church lobby before and after services and has asked us to post it on our bulletin board. What should we do?
Parents have reasons to be concerned about these groups.3 GSAs guide students to explore and define their sexuality, often without a parent’s knowledge. They promote an unbiblical perspective of human sexuality and may even connect students with “open and affirming” religious leaders who convince them that their church is “homophobic.” GSAs help define school culture, creating a climate where students who do not show support can be marginalized.
Understandably, many church members would want to stop a GSA from forming. However, the church foyer is probably not the best place to organize resistance. Why? First, because Christians who agree on biblical sexuality might have honest disagreement about the way we should be active in our community. The gospel ministry of the local church and the civic engagement of the individual believer are not one and the same. Second, by supporting this petition, the church might inadvertently be supporting the removal of all clubs. For instance, it might be legally impossible to shut down the GSA without also closing the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Finally, it would be way too easy for a first-time visitor to view this public petition drive as a signal that they are unwelcome.
If you feel called to “do something,” consider asking your pastor to hold an informational meeting where people can learn and ask questions. Invite a school official in for conversation. Also, encourage the Christian students in your school to take advantage of any avenues for forming a group that promotes biblically faithful sexuality.
A gay couple has been bringing their child to our midweek children’s programming. They’ve indicated that they’d like to be able to help out with the program. What do we do?
First of all, how wonderful that a gay couple is coming to your church! This is no small thing. God is drawing them by his grace. Hopefully, friendships have been formed, community is being lived out, and this conversation can happen in the context of relationships. A couple of things to consider:
1. Does your church have a policy concerning who can serve in your children’s programming? If so, does the policy include a standard-of-living requirement (i.e., one’s life will be congruent with a Christian witness)? If your church requires that a person serving the children have a life that reflects a Christian commitment, then it’s time to have a hard conversation. This can be done humbly and graciously. But it needs to be done.
If no such requirement exists, then
2. How do they want to serve? Do they want to lead the lessons? Or help with refreshments? Do they want to serve together? There is a difference between leading and serving/assisting. Leadership requires a certain level of Christian maturity. If someone wants to lead children they need to be on the journey of discipleship; they need a life that you would want your child to emulate. It sounds like this couple is still together, so it would prohibit them from leading. But they might be able to serve. Maybe helping set up chairs and the area before a lesson or cleaning up afterwards. Either way, at some point, you will have to have the awkward, hard conversation. Their relationship is contrary to the gospel. Explain that though they are welcome to be a part of your community, some opportunities to lead and serve will be closed to them.
A same-sex couple who has been coming to our church on and off over the last year heard about our church’s marriage retreat and signed up. I’m on the marriage retreat committee and don’t know what to do. We discussed the matter and learned that this couple was legally married last year. How do we handle this?
First, we suggest you enlist the help of your pastor, a church staff member, and/or elder in handling this kind of situation. It will have a significant impact on the couple and your congregation, potentially involving your church in a public firestorm. Hopefully your church has a statement on the biblical definition of marriage. Such a statement will certainly help.
Initially, the approach to such a couple is fairly straightforward. They should be lovingly informed that the church’s perspective on marriage is one man, one woman in an exclusive, lifetime covenant. That definition of marriage determines who should or shouldn’t come to your annual marriage retreat. For instance, a cohabiting, unmarried couple would not be allowed to come. A man and woman would not be able to leave their spouses for the weekend to come to the retreat together. Handled carefully, this circumstance would open the door for you to have an honest, open conversation about the Bible’s message on human sexuality. It might even open the door for them to consider the claims of the gospel on their own lives.
We should not miss the broader concerns implied in this question. As our culture increasingly recognizes same-sex marriage (and “family” in myriad other forms), we will need to have clear guidance and policy. Local churches without such statements run the risk of appearing arbitrary in their decision making and may even open themselves to legal difficulties.
Should practicing homosexuals or homosexuals in a committed relationship be allowed to join a congregation?
In a day when many churches have abandoned the concept of “membership,” we believe it is more important than ever to have a clear and well-communicated process for joining. Church membership helps people understand that saving faith is confirmed not only by an internal feeling but also by a certain set of convictions and even the witness of the church. By joining a church, members are opening their lives to the spiritual guidance of recognized leaders, welcoming their support, exhortation, and even spiritual correction.
Far from creating an insiders vs. outsiders club, a well-defined membership process allows people to consider the claims of true gospel-centered community. Questions like this one will be brought to light as a class walks through the belief statements of the church. In the same way we would deal with other areas of open, unrepentant sin (e.g., a man and woman in an adulterous relationship), we should find a sensitive way to address this question.
The short answer would be something like “Joining our church means making a public profession that Jesus is the Lord of your life. That means you have determined to obey him and trust his Word. While every person in our congregation is a struggling sinner, we seek to submit to Scripture and agree to hold each other accountable. This area of unrepentant sin would indicate you’re not ready to join us in that shared commitment. Let’s keep talking and working through this together.”
I am a pastor or leader in the church who must interact with other leaders (either in my denomination or other churches) who disagree with me on the issue of homosexuality; how should I treat those who disagree with me?
First of all, be pleasant. If we are right, then we ought to be able to be with those with whom we disagree without getting defensive. These leaders are made in the image of God, and you can be kind. Second, be humble. Being right doesn’t mean you can be an arrogant jerk. I have seen many friends come across as unfriendly and cocky. They lose the battle because they lack expression of the character of Christ. So find ways to soften your approach. Be friendly. Third, speak the truth. As well as you are able, when appropriate, declare the Scriptures and what they have to say. There is no need to hide the truth of the gospel. Those who disagree with you are freely sharing their opinion; you have the same right. Just be smart, kind, and humble. Finally, pray! Pray that God will soften their hearts and lead them to repentance. Pray that they won’t deceive those they lead, and pray that God, in Christ, will be glorified in your interactions. And pray that God will give you the strength to be a kind, humble proclaimer of his good gospel.
Are the leaders at “open and affirming” churches truly Christians? Second John 1:9 says, “Everyone who goes on ahead and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God.” I really wrestle with how to deal with people who bear the name brother or sister and yet do such things.
The church’s perennial struggle is not with society, which has always been confused about sex. It is not with believers who may be questioning their own sexuality; we have always been sinners seeking holiness. Our true struggle is with the rising volume of false voices that claim to be teachers of the gospel. A massive amount of the New Testament warns against false teachers—those who claim the name of Christ but actually lead people away from him:
We believe that church leaders promoting a revisionist gospel fall into the New Testament category of “false teachers.” These teachers, meant to lead people to Jesus, are instead drawing souls away from the cross. To the extent that they deny a biblical definition of sin, they have abandoned the authentic proclamation of the gospel. By rejecting the Word of Christ, they are betraying his lordship. In the end, they teach that we can have true faith without genuine repentance and submission. The end result: Many people are being led astray.
We write these things with tears for those souls who have been deceived and denied the pure preaching of the Word. We pray that these teachers, some of whom we’ve counted friends, will turn in repentance. While only God can ultimately judge another person’s eternal salvation, Scripture tells us how we should treat false teachers:
Everyone who goes on ahead and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God. Whoever abides in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into your house or give him any greeting, for whoever greets him takes part in his wicked works.
2 John 1:9–11
Along with this strong affirmation of Scripture’s teaching about false teachers, we want to add a word of caution: In a world with such confusing signals and with competing authorities, each claiming to have the “truth” on this issue, we should expect that good people may stray from Scripture. Some may even be leaders in the church. When a personal relationship affords the opportunity, we strongly suggest pursuing a course similar to Matthew 18:15–17 with a friend or leader who has adopted an unbiblical stance on this issue. Perhaps that person has been led astray and, like the lost sheep, can be brought back into the fold. False belief and teaching, like any other sin, can be repented of, and restoration is possible!
Do you think churches are going to be forced to perform same-sex weddings in the future?
Historically in the United States, thankfully, the church does enjoy immense freedom and protection. For now, our freedom to practice our religion according to conscience has been strongly protected. This includes churches’ freedom not to perform same-sex weddings. Hopefully, this freedom and protection will not change. But the world is changing, and this could change as well. Already, businesses are being forced to do things against their moral conscience. If the cultural and political tides in the United States do not change, the church might be pressured to act contrary to its conscience. If this were to happen, hard decisions would have to be made.
In such a world, pastors and churches would have to defy the state and take a stand. What other choice would the church and its leaders have? If this were to happen, churches might lose tax benefits, pastors might be sued, and Christians might be pushed even farther to the margins. In such a world, everything would change. This shouldn’t cause too much anxiety, though. This is our Father’s world, and if such a shift should happen, then it must be for his purposes. He will use it for our good, for the pursuit of those he loves, and most of all for his glory and fame.