The Kazakhs, and Kazakhstanis in general, are very friendly and open. This might not be obvious when you walk on the streets, where people may seem a little serious and uninviting. On closer acquaintance, however, you will realize that interacting with locals is a pleasant experience, thanks to their natural warmth and desire to be helpful, which stems from a traditional culture of hospitality. Yet, turning your relationships into true and close friendships either takes a long time or requires a powerful shared experience that makes people feel close to one another. From a foreigner’s perspective, knowledge of at least the Russian language is crucial; otherwise, the circle of your potential local friends will be very limited.
Friendship in Kazakhstan means a very close bond. It is thought to be real happiness when you have a close circle of friends, or at least one real friend among your acquaintances. Real friends are people with whom you enjoy spending time, but they are also people you can count on when you are in trouble—for example, to help you find a job, or a good doctor, or to lend you money. Attitudes toward friends and friendship may change depending on your age, stage of life, and gender.
Your local playground, school, and university are typical bonding places, where close friendships are built to last for years, and even for a lifetime. Parents who can afford to live in a good neighborhood and to choose well-respected schools do so to ensure that their children are exposed to the best influences, which are also likely to last for many years. An inability to build close friendships at school is considered to be a misfortune. If such relationships aren’t built at university, the person is regarded as odd and unsociable.
A close friendship is strongest early in adult life, when interests are shared and desires are common. Later, after marriage, close friendships may go through a serious trial due to a natural shift of focus to the spouse and small children. In an ideal scenario the relationship with a friend turns into a new form of friendship with a family, but some relationships are weakened and may eventually collapse. New friendships that are perhaps more compatible with a family-oriented lifestyle may be built at the workplace, but these rarely reach the same emotional attachment as older ones. Friendships with some sort of practical value for both sides are also made.
In Kazakhstan a woman and a man rarely choose each other as friends: women are friends with women, and men with men. Naturally, friendship means slightly different things to both. Women’s friendship is often regarded as unreliable and fragile, but strong bonds forged between girls of school age often last a lifetime. For a Kazakhstani woman a friend is someone you can talk to for hours about your problems—even the most intimate ones. For men, that much talking is unusual, although occasional sharing of feelings certainly happens. Typically, male friends come together to play and watch football or hockey (the two most popular games in Kazakhstan), and to discuss the big news of the day, including sports, business, and so on. Inviting one another home is becoming less popular in cities unless someone wants to throw a welcome party in a new house or invite a friend who is visiting from another town or country. Friends typically meet at restaurants or cafés, or go out for a picnic.
Unlike in the West, people do not usually befriend their neighbors or meet through clubs. You simply maintain good terms with your neighbors, or chitchat with someone at the gym every day, without going further. Pushing these boundaries isn’t welcome. Like anywhere else, close, friendly relationships are built naturally by spending time with people with whom you get on well. And once you call someone a friend in Kazakhstan, you must be genuinely prepared to grant favors and provide the kind of help that might be seen as excessive in other cultures: to lend money, to let your friend live in your house for as long as he or she might need to, and to be available whenever the person needs you, regardless of your job or your other plans. Certainly, you would not do such things for a person who hasn’t won your full trust—who is not a real friend.
As a foreigner in Kazakhstan you are likely, overall, to experience a friendly and warm reception. In the countryside, where the tradition of hospitality to a stranger is still the norm, you are likely to be treated in a special way, with invitations thrown at you the very minute you meet a new person. Even though this does not apply in the bigger cities, you are still likely to feel comfortable there among the locals, with little likelihood of experiencing any hostility. On the streets, people may stare at you, behave cautiously, be skeptical, or seem a bit rude, but aggressive attitudes are extremely rare. This doesn’t mean that there are no thieves and beggars, of course, and commonsense vigilance is always advisable.
In urban areas you may sometimes encounter a small degree of anti-Americanism. The image of the United States has suffered since the invasion of Iraq in 2003, but there are certainly no extremes. The worst-case scenario may involve blunt questions about your attitude toward US foreign policy. In the countryside, however, where people have little interest in politics or foreign affairs, you are first and foremost a guest. This means you will be treated with the utmost respect and care, though jokes about spies may be made. These date from Soviet times, when every foreigner was considered a spy.
Young people, who have the most open-minded and unprejudiced attitudes, particularly those who speak English, are especially ready to make foreign friends. In the workplace, with its mixture of ages and backgrounds, attitudes vary. Building friendships can, as we have seen, take years, and there is also a stereotypical attitude that in the West friendship (in the Kazakh understanding) is superficial.
Another common belief is that all Western visitors and expats are excessively rich. Taxi drivers, hotel bellboys, and other service staff will expect you to pay or tip much more generously than a local customer. The less likely they are to see you again, the more likely you are to be cheated. Idealizing life in the West is also very common.
If you want to make friends in Kazakhstan, the best advice is to learn some of the language—Russian if you will be staying in a city, or Kazakh if you will be based in the country. This is of great importance to your acclimatization, and will endear you to the locals. As one foreign visitor with lots of Kazakh and Russian friends put it, “Ask everyone you know to be your teacher, and use whatever you can pick up. The more you are willing to look bad, make mistakes, and try, the more people will realize that you value them and their culture.”
Kazakhs have always held guests in high regard. Hospitality is one of the main national characteristics, displayed at its best in Kazakh auls (villages) in the countryside. Here children learn hospitality and respect from a young age.
If you visit a rural Kazakh family, whether or not you are expected, everyone will stand up to greet you as you enter. You will be seated on the tor, the special guest seat, and offered tea and biscuits, baursaks (donuts), and sweets. Traditional etiquette requires your host to remain silent until you have been refreshed. You will be genuinely welcome to stay on for a meal, if you are not in a hurry, and if you are breaking a journey you will be invited to stay overnight, or even for several days. If the family’s circumstances allow, they will slaughter an animal (usually a lamb or a sheep) to serve you the traditional dish of beshbarmak (see this page), and will want to make sure you are well fed and comfortable throughout your stay. This doesn’t mean that a complete stranger can enter any house in any village and expect such treatment, but you are unlikely to be turned away if you find yourself in difficult circumstances for some reason.
In the cities things are much more formal, and people don’t usually visit others at home without an invitation, or without letting the host know that they are coming. If you show up at short notice you will be served tea and snacks, and if expected you will probably be served a proper meal.
If it’s a special occasion, expect a feast. Usually, as many guests are invited as will fit around the host’s table, and you are likely to spend most of the time there. A selection of starters will be served, followed by one or two main dishes, then, after a break, tea and sweet dishes. Expect to be completely stuffed by the end of it, as whenever your plate looks less than mountainous with food, the hosts will pile on some more. The same will happen with the drink in your glass, so one has to be careful not to get drunk. Strong drinks, such as vodka and cognac, are not drunk without a toast (see below), but sipping wine during the meal is fine. If your hosts know you are a vegetarian, they are likely to prepare separate food for you, which you must eat. Not eating the food provided is offensive.
The atmosphere at the table will vary, depending on how well the guests know each other, but conversation is usually spontaneous and lively. There are no strict rules about topics. Popular subjects are children, their health and education, the family, health and healing, popular TV shows and programs, real estate and other prices, cars, road traffic, and football. One-on-one conversations usually start with talking about each other’s families. Most local people are quite open about their personal lives and circumstances, and expect frankness in return. Perhaps the only area that is considered to be too private to be discussed, and better avoided, is sexual activity, but there are few taboos, even on topics such as politics and corruption.
Having said that, a foreigner should of course be aware that mocking the local culture, traditions, and way of life is likely to be perceived as disrespectful, and criticizing the local political situation is seen as patronizing. However, as long as you show your hosts that you respect them and value your stay in Kazakhstan, your conversation is unlikely to embarrass them.
This is an important part of every festivity. The host or a chosen guest will take on the role of toastmaster. He (or in rare cases she) will then give the other guests a turn. Every guest is given a chance to propose a toast, and this should be taken. Not being invited to propose a toast is seriously offensive. The order of toasts is determined by age, social position, and relationship to the host (for example, kudalar, or in-laws, are always given priority over other family members). Every toast follows a short introduction from the toastmaster.
Kazakhs love long toasts, which may include jokes, proverbs, poems, and songs. Guests are expected to say at least a few words about the hosts. The simplest outline of a toast could be as follows: tell the other guests how you have come to know the hosts, praise their hospitality and generosity, and make an elaborate declaration of your best wishes to them and the family.
After each toast everyone drinks, and not to do so is rude. Vodka and cognac are the most popular spirits. If you don’t drink alcohol, it is acceptable to imitate drinking each toast, but the toastmaster or host will watch—this is one of the local hospitality rules—and if he insists on your drinking, be ready with a good excuse, best related to some sort of health problem, which will be understood. A more gentle approach could be to sip rather than gulp.
Other means of entertaining may include taking you out to a restaurant, family banquets, sightseeing trips, picnics, or a visit to a theater, opera, or ballet. Your hosts will expect to pay, so don’t insist on sharing the cost; this may be considered offensive.
If you are doing the entertaining you are free to follow your own rules of hospitality and etiquette, as accepting your way of doing things is also part of the local culture of hospitality. Just bear in mind that if you have invited your friends to a restaurant or anywhere else, you will be expected to pay.
Once you are settled in the country, especially if you have a family, you might want to reciprocate with invitations to people or families who have already entertained you at their homes or elsewhere. This is certainly a rule among locals, but as a foreigner you are considered a guest in the country, and are free to choose whether of not to comply without fear of causing offense to your local friends.
If you have invited friends home, make sure that you will have plenty of supplies. Running out of food and drink to serve your guests is considered shameful.
Although Kazakh society is predominantly traditional, attitudes toward young people dating and building relationships are largely open and unprejudiced. There are exceptions, such as being in a serious relationship with someone of a different nationality. Homosexual relationships are likely to face even less tolerance, indeed close to zero. But other than that, people are free to choose whom they date, for how long, and at what personal distance. And even though girls are raised to believe that ideally they are to date one man, fall in love with him, and eventually marry him, foreign values of being in free relationships are gradually taking hold, especially among the younger generation in the cities. Paradoxically, it is easier for foreigners to make friends through dating than through other activities.
Social networking has become a common starting point preceding dating. A typical scenario nowadays for the development of romantic relationships involves meeting each other via a social network, then going out to a café or bar. The initiative usually comes from the male side, and it is the man who usually pays the bill, although on the first date the girl may insist on paying her share. Bringing flowers to the first date used to be common in the past, but this is now characteristic of a more serious relationship.
SOME SMALL POINTS OF ETIQUETTE
• Invitations may be extended well in advance, or with just a day’s notice.
• Dressing up for the occasion is common.
• You are not expected to arrive exactly on time, but being more than thirty minutes late is rude.
• Gifts are usually given to the hostess. Bring small presents for her and any children, or buy a box of chocolates or biscuits; also bring a bottle of wine, especially if it is your first visit.
• Once over the threshold (step over it with your right foot), you will be greeted by the host, who shakes hands with male guests, using both hands.
• Take off your coat and shoes. Make sure that your shoes are placed the right way up. You will be offered slippers, but you can decline them, or you can bring your own if you wish.
• Whistling in a house and blowing your nose in public are considered bad manners.
• Leaving early isn’t normal, and may offend your hosts. Wait until after the tea stage, and then you can start saying good-bye. Parties running late into the night are quite common.
• Don’t refuse the sarkyt, which are small portions of food from the festive table (dastarkhan) that you may be given to take home with you.
• It is not necessary to send a thank-you card or letter after a party in someone’s home.
