The next morning Loretta, Joe and Fin were in the kitchen having breakfast and getting their lunches ready for school. Loretta came and sat next to Fin.
‘Fin,’ she said. ‘I need your help.’
Fin nearly choked on his muesli. He had been desperately wanting to hear these words since the first moment he had set eyes on Loretta and been totally overwhelmed by her beauty and charm. He desperately wanted to rescue her from something. It would be good if that something could be epic, like a dragon or a speeding train, but he’d be happy to catch a spider for her too. Unfortunately, he couldn’t express any of these feelings because he had inhaled his mouthful of muesli and was now having a terrible coughing fit.
Loretta beat him hard on the back to try to help. Fin grabbed his glass of milk and took a few sips. That didn’t work. The milk just came back up and out his nose when Loretta gave him the next whack. Loretta wasn’t at all perturbed by all this, she just kept talking. ‘I need your help because April hates me,’ said Loretta.
Fin squinted at Loretta through his watering eyes. He was fighting the cough reflex so he could speak. He just managed to choke out the words, ‘But she hates everybody.’
‘I know,’ said Loretta. ‘But no one hates me. I’m just so lovable.’
Fin started coughing again. This had to be the worst conversation he had ever participated in. It was probably for the best. If he could speak, he might accidentally say something stupid like ‘You’re beautiful!’ or ‘I love you!’.
‘But April is very cross with me,’ said Loretta. ‘I’m not used to it. She was really, really angry. And even when I smiled and said ‘sorry’ and smiled again she didn’t calm down. She was really, really angry.’
‘What did you d-d-do?’ asked Joe.
‘I just moved one or two of the things in her room,’ said Loretta.
‘Ah,’ said Joe. ‘She w-w-wouldn’t like that.’
‘What can I do?’ asked Loretta.
‘Nothing,’ coughed Fin.
‘Surely not nothing,’ said Loretta. ‘There must be some way I can win her over.’ She turned to Joe but he just shook his head.
‘You’re part of the f-f-family now,’ said Joe. ‘This is how she treats family. It’s a g-good sign.’
Loretta considered this. ‘So by screaming at me and being horribly angry, that’s her way of accepting me into your family unit?’
Joe nodded.
‘That’s April,’ wheezed Fin, finally able to speak.
Loretta beamed. ‘That’s wonderful! I’ve always wanted to be part of a big family. Especially a dysfunctional one.’
‘Well then, mission accomplished,’ said Fin. ‘We’re certainly that.’
April burst into the kitchen carrying a large cellophane-wrapped basket full of cake. Pumpkin barked excitedly. Loretta flinched, briefly concerned that this was some sort of counterattack for her uncovering April’s novel-reading secret. But April directed her attack at Joe.
‘Why are there freshly baked treats sitting on the front doorstep?’ demanded April.
‘I’ll t-t-take those,’ said Joe, rushing forward to grab the basket from his sister.
‘What’s going on?’ asked Fin suspiciously.
‘Um …’ said Joe. This was his favourite word. It was one of the few words he could reliably say without stammering. ‘Er … M-M-Mr Chelsea sent them.’
‘Why?’ asked Fin.
Joe struggled to think up a lie. None of the lies he could think of made any sense. And he’d never be able to say them because his stammering got even worse when he was lying. Then he realised he didn’t believe in lying. It was wrong. If his mother hadn’t been so deceptive, their family might not be hiding in a country town. Of course, if his mother hadn’t been so deceptive they might also have been kidnapped by the Kolektiv, an evil international espionage agency. So it was all very complicated. He just knew that he personally did not have the skill to lie, so there was no point even bothering. ‘He wants me to win the r-r-race,’ said Joe.
‘And he thinks getting you fat will help?’ asked April, peering into the basket.
‘Athletes are meant to carb-load,’ said Joe.
‘They’re meant to slightly increase their carb intake when they increase their activity level,’ said Fin. ‘They’re not meant to drown themselves in masses of high-carb, high-fat, high-sugar food.’
Joe frowned. He liked high-carb, high-fat, high-sugar food. They were his favourite kinds.
‘I’ve got plenty of vegetables in the garden,’ said Dad, who had just wondered into the kitchen. ‘Would you like me to pick you some kale?’
Joe recoiled in horror. He knew some adults had convinced themselves that they liked kale, particularly if it had been deep fried and covered in salt. But Joe was not fooled.
‘Why does Mr Chelsea want you to win?’ asked April suspiciously, as she bit the head off a gingerbread man. ‘What’s he up to?’
‘N-n-nothing,’ said Joe.
‘Come on,’ said Fin. ‘He must have a motive if he’s given you this much cake.’
‘I’ve signed a secrecy agreement,’ said Joe.
‘Ooh, I love mysteries,’ said Loretta. ‘It’s going to be fun getting it out of you. Does Joe talk in his sleep?’
‘I try not to listen to the noises he makes in his sleep,’ said April. ‘You’ve never lived with boys before. They are far more disgusting than you can imagine. I like to think of myself as a hardy person, but their bodily functions are just gross.’
‘It will be good to have some proper competition in the mud run this year,’ said Loretta. ‘No one put up much of a race for me last year.’
‘You cheated,’ April reminded her. ‘You rode a horse.’
‘I know,’ agreed Loretta. ‘And frankly it was boring for Vladimir. No one could run anywhere near as fast as him.’
‘You do realise you can’t ride your horse again,’ Fin asked. ‘They’ve changed the rules.’
‘I know,’ said Loretta. ‘But I’m still confident. I’m a naturally talented athlete, you know.’
Fin looked at Loretta’s lean figure. He had no trouble believing in her athletic prowess at all. She seemed to have prowess at everything. Then Fin’s mind started to wander to some of the disgusting topics that April had alluded to earlier so he stared at the floor and blushed.
‘If you win, you should split the prize money with the woman who comes first,’ said Loretta.
‘What?’ said Joe.
‘Why not?’ said Loretta. ‘You’re only doing it for the cake, aren’t you?’
Joe liked cake. He liked it a lot, but he also liked the idea of $10,000. If for no other reason than you could buy a lot of cake with $10,000.
‘It’s not Joe’s fault if the competition is unfair,’ said Fin.
‘Joe can choose to be part of the oppressive patriarchy if he wants,’ said April. ‘But if he does, I’ll make his life miserable.’
‘You make his life miserable already,’ Fin pointed out.
April realised this was true. ‘Then I’ll think up new and interesting ways to make him even more miserable.’
‘Why don’t you just try to win the competition yourself,’ Loretta suggested. ‘It’s really regressive of you to expect a man to win it for you.’
‘You’re right,’ said April. ‘I shouldn’t be relying on that great lummox. He’ll probably stuff it up anyway.’ She bit hungrily into a blueberry muffin the great lummox had provided.
‘That’s not quite what I meant,’ said Loretta. ‘But good for you. In my experience, the competition isn’t anywhere near as hard to win as people make out, especially if you approach it creatively.’
‘And by “creatively” you mean “cheat”,’ said Fin.
‘Oh no,’ said Loretta. ‘I would never cheat. There’s no artistry in that. Matilda Voss-Nevers cheats. She does things like skip part of the course, or put a thumb tack in someone’s shoe. That’s just tricky. I like to take a creative interpretation of the rules. That way, technically I’m not doing anything wrong and I really irritate people much more that way.’ Loretta smiled, gleeful at the thought. She had evidently had a lot of fun not ‘cheating’ the previous year.
‘But I don’t want to enter!’ said April. ‘I don’t believe in organised sport.’
‘Just disorganised sport, like spontaneous wrestling,’ said Fin.
‘Exactly,’ said April. She turned on Joe. ‘When someone does beat you, I’m going to make sure you give all that cake back.’
Joe was chewing a huge mouthful of cake at this moment, and he was unsure if he should swallow. He hated to imagine what Mr Chelsea might do to get his cake back. It could be very unpleasant and invasive.
‘Well, I’m not going to enter the race,’ said Fin.
‘No one cares what you’re going to do because you’re a pipsqueak,’ said April.
Fin ignored his sister and kept talking. If he waited for April to stop insulting him every time he tried to speak, he would be permanently mute. ‘I’m entering the design competition. I’m going to design the toughest, muddiest mud run course ever seen.’
‘Wonderful!’ exclaimed Loretta. ‘The tougher the course, the more room for creative interpretation.’
‘We’d b-b-better get to school,’ said Joe.
‘Sucked in,’ said April.
‘I can’t believe you attacked a disabled boy and were rewarded with three days off school,’ said Fin.
‘He isn’t disabled,’ said April. ‘He’s differently-abled. And he’s really annoying, so he totally had it coming.’
‘So this is a boy you attacked the first time you met him?’ asked Loretta. ‘That’s quick off the mark even for you. Is there more to this than meets the eye? A budding romance, perhaps?’
‘Oh puh-lease,’ said April disgustedly. ‘I’d never be romantically interested in him.’
‘Because he’s differently-abled?’ asked Fin.
‘No, because he’s terrible at wrestling,’ said April. ‘It only took me two seconds to get him in a choke-hold. I could never respect him.’
‘What you need is a nice, quiet boy,’ said Fin. He was thinking of his friend Neil. Being monosyllabic and very plain, he didn’t stand much chance of catching April’s attention. Perhaps Neil should consider tripping her up with a stick.
Loretta smiled. ‘I think April would prefer a swarthy Italian duke. Like the ones in romance novels.’
If looks could kill, Loretta would have been struck dead by the glare April gave her. ‘I don’t need any boy,’ she seethed. ‘I don’t need anyone. Except Pumpkin.’ Pumpkin barked happily when he heard his name. April bent over to scratch him behind the ears. ‘You’re such a comfort to me, aren’t you, sweetheart?’ she gushed lovingly, before looking up to snap at her brothers. ‘Enjoy your day at school sitting on plastic chairs until your bum goes numb.’