Are You There? 9

I have never been much of a believer, but here it goes. I kneel down beside my bed. Trying to understand a little more.

"Ugh, hello. This is Autumn Jazmine Moion. I guess you would know that already, though, if you’re real. This is stupid, I'm sorry. I just wanted to talk, maybe, if you'll listen. My sister, Winter Magnolia, died. I am not angry at you, I was just wondering if she was there and if she is with you, will you tell her I'm sorry, for everything? God, are you there? I'm alone, my best friend is gone, and my dad is never home and my mom left us for reasons we aren’t allowed to discuss. Gosh, it sounds like I am complaining. The truth is, I don't know what to do and I really don't know what to say. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore. I just want to try and be happy. I know I may not deserve your love or your help if you don't want to I understand. I trust you and I know you can hear me." I shrug slightly, feeling down as ever. I am not one who asks for support on anything I could do on my own, but my life called for it.

"I need your help," I whispered, before getting off my knees. "Amen," I said as I headed out the door.

I tried.

I think hard inside my head. I just want to know she is okay. I want to know she is safe from this world. I just want to know it will be okay. Tears fill my eyes as I stare out the glass door; a homeless man on a bicycle pedals by, nodding his head and smiling as if to say, yes.

Silence captivates the air around me, echoing the chilling emptiness. I know I am alone, but still, I try to convince myself it is fabricated. I wait for her laughter to break into my hearing range. I wait for her to come over and tell me about her romantic date with Chatt. She doesn’t seem to come up the stairs and I end up hearing nothing.

Out on the trampoline, awaiting the sunrise of tomorrow. Stars hang above my sleepy head, while I contemplate the decisions of life. Dad's light is on in his room, probably asleep with pages of work he doesn’t need to be finished for weeks. He doesn't know I'm out here. He wouldn't care, though; he never has. Airplanes and jets circle around the night sky, flying people to exotic places or maybe to a loving home. I want a home like that. Winter never got home a like that.

Forty-seven, forty-eight. I count the stars that sparkle in front of me. I don't like the sun; it's too bright too happy, everything I do not feel right now. I close my eyes to welcome more dark shadows into vision.

"Do you know, when you were little, you would cry?" She told me these stories so many times.

"I had to come to pick you up, hold your hand, and tell you everything would be alright." She was usually doing my hair or putting on her makeup. "You would cry and cry like a puppy just ran away from home or something." I would sit there in awe as she made everything seem less stressful, less intense.

"You'd be okay after a couple chocolate chips or a song or two." She would smile and pat my head as if I were a child again. I hum little songs, like “Playmate,” or “Mr. Johnnygoback’s,” whichever fits the mood, childhood tunes our aunts taught us at bath time.

"You okay?" My eyes sprint open.

"Ugh, yeah?" Head jerks up.

"Autumn, what are you doing out here?” Jenkins hops on the other side of the trampoline, bouncing me up and down.

“Checking out the breeze and moonlight?” Regaining my comforting spot.

“Can I come to lie next to you?” He shook about on that side.

“Come on over. Make yourself cozy. My dad’s window is right there, though, so no funny business. Keep your glorious hands to yourself.”

“Oh, really, I actually came over to see him. I am just going to go right up there.” He jumps off the tramp making motions unbearable once again.

“Don’t you dare!” I coerce him back onto the black mass above the yard.

“Alright! I’m making good progress. By the way, did you just call my hands glorious?” I’m sure he smiled, but it was too dark to notice.

He makes me feel so good.

“Whatever, shut up! So, are you going to tell me why you are creeping around my house at this late of an hour?”

"I couldn't sleep, thought you would be awake. Plus, we have a date, do we not?" He shifted his weight, facing my direction.

"Hmmm..." I grunted.

"Well?” Falling over his indecisive words.

"Excuse me?"

"I was just driving around thought I saw your phone light up out here, came to see if it was you." He folded his arms tightly.

"What if it wasn't me? What if it was my dad?"

"I would have split in the opposite direction so fast! Jumped in my car and driven away. Your dad scares me a lot more than you do." We both burst out into laughter. He moves in closer, and I have yet to push him away, tempting the line of being uncomfortable. How far will I allow this to go?

“Wow, you really are beautiful.” He shifted his hand up my chilled cheek.

“What are you saying? It's dark outside. You can’t see me," I mutter off, breaking apart the compliment.

"I can still see your beauty, AJ." Taking his hand away from my face, silently parallel to the stars.

"Thanks," I grumbly joke.

"I'm just kidding! Man, if you could see those awful people from the swamp thing you got going on!" He tickles my sides. The hatred of being tickled emerges.

I laugh and beg him to stop. My father most certainly would hear. He brings me closer to him.

"It's getting cold. I should get us a blanket." This is going to get pretty cozy.

"How is this?" Evasion from the intense moments goes incomplete. He holds me close, wrapping his arms around my torso. I try not to make any movements.

"Ugh, it’s alright." Smirking at my obvious commentary.

"What?" I turn my head to face his.

"Nothing. What were you doing out here before I joined the party?"

"I couldn't sleep like you said, creeper!"

"I was not stalking you; I was just driving around and saw you were out here." Defensive in his statements.

"I'm just kidding. I was just taking a breather; I am just thinking." I scoot back into his chest. Cozier than I’ve felt in days. Jenks's lips fall to my neck and through my hair.

"Cold night, huh?" I could feel him grin.

"Yeah, chilly out here."

"What were you thinking about?"

I shut my eyes, reminiscing the old memories.

"Come on, tell me."

"Winter...when we were little.” I think hard about memories, making them erase even faster than I can conjure up to remember them.

"Oh." His voice dipping into sincerity.

“Don’t worry about it.” I change rhythms.

"When Chatt and I were little, we would play cops and robbers. He would always be the robber so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy."

"I never knew you and Chatt were cousins until after they started dating." Are we bonding? Does he like me? Would he? Could he?

Stop.

"Oh really?" He adjusted his arms, turning me around so my face buried into his right shoulder.

“Thanks for the book, by the way. I’ve only read a couple chapters, but so far so good!"

"I saw it the other day and I thought you would enjoy it as much as I did."

"You read it?" I act surprised.

"Of course I did; I had to see if it was good enough for you.” Wait a minute? What did he just say? Good enough for me? Why was he doing this?

"Oh, well, thank you, I guess." Smile discreet.

We lay in the warmth of each other for a little while, not speaking, just existing.

"Are you going to school tomorrow?" Breaks the waves of our solitude.

"I don't know yet. I don't know if I can handle all the faces again."

"Yeah, it's been rough. Chatt may have only been my cousin, but he was like my big brother." He sighed, letting out a breath of air.

"I'm sure it's just as hard for you as it has been for me." I give him a caring squeeze. He keeps holding on after I lighten up my embrace.

"Thank you." He brings my face up to his.

"What?" Shy to smile.

He looks into my eyes, a look I am not familiar with.

He presses his lips upon my smile. Kiss. Slow and sweet. Kisses me, so enchantingly, in a way I cannot describe.

"Wow." The let go of his breath shivers down my neck.

"What?”

"Well, I’ve never done that before." His innocent remark makes me recognize I played a bigger part than I acknowledged.

"Never done that before?" I push him away as if the kiss was an act of contagious affection.

“Kissed a girl I wanted to keep.” With that confession, his smug of a right hook grin lifted in challenge towards me.

"Are you kidding me, Jenks?" Shifting uncomfortably on tippy toes.

"Do I seem to like the type of guy who gets around with girls?" His voice holds hurt feelings, but only until the sarcastic undertone becomes evident.

"Oh, come on! Like you weren’t the prime subject on every girl's mind during prom season last spring.”

"I'm sorry I don't live up to the rumors around school, AJ. Didn’t think I would disappoint you of all people that I'm not a careless womanizer, everyone tries to wrangle." He moves farther away.

"Jenks, come on I didn't mean anything by it. I was just surprised that you would choose me to be…well anything.” I sit upon my elbows, keeping my sight low.

"Why?" His voice annoyed by my doubts.

"I don't know, isn't it supposed to be someone special?" I take his hand, slowly lingering on his fingertips.

"Yeah, precisely. Which is why it was with you. Damn, not like we are sharing our virginities together." He pulls his hand away. Jumping off the trampoline, knocking me off my balance, before I can chase his getaway.

"Jenks, this is ridiculous. I’m sorry, alright!" I hop off the vibrating frequencies of the trampoline.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, our late-night meetups, the way your expression changes once we’re together.” With a shrug of his muscles, as they slump, so does my expression.

“I can’t seem to get over something between us. Tell me you don’t feel that what we have is dynamite.” His words exhausted. My syllables disappear; I don’t make a single pronunciation.

I’d like to take him, hold his hand, and kiss him with my eyes closed until we both saw stars. Turn the tables and remember why living was so worth experiencing.

Seconds passed too soon into minutes, and all I realize are his taillights. Leading him away from where I stood, leaving me to stand in a vacancy of wonder.