Nearby Fate 15
second time today, the wind still blowing. I talked to Jenks and we seemed to work things out. I chose to stay in bed the next few days, though. Letting this depressive state take me over once again. Curled up in these familiar sheets. Wishing to myself I was outside in the cold with the rain dropping onto my bare skin. Numbness taking ahold of my body's senses. I ache for it. I slip back into my comatose state drowning myself in self-pity. Forgetful of everything I need to do today; make graduation announcements, pack, prepare, and find an apartment far away from here. Not important I remind myself, not today at least. Maybe tomorrow I will find the courage to venture forth. I would be in English class right now, trying to write the same poem I can't seem to finish.
Between two bridges I may pick my fate.
One leading up and the other smiling down.
Gracious and stubborn I steady my step.
Wondering and pondering my actions to either.
Maybe that one or maybe this one.
The choice is in my hands, the decision is mine alone to make.
Thanks to free will.
I walk four more steps to the middle, in no apparent direction.
Along the pebble walkway, I meet different people. I face unique trials I do not want to face, all leading me back to my sister’s journey.
I understand the consequences, as I would understand the choices.
I understand the end of things, which usually do not halt in good.
I can never get past this part.
My words fall lifeless, remembering the occurrence that happened yesterday.
I stare out the window, looking past the P.E. class, into the yellow and brown straw fields. Trees stand tall around the acres. Free, their branches fly in the wind.
"Autumn?" Mr. Forrester called my name once again. I try to block out his bellowing pitch. My teacher came and shut the blinds, cutting off my vision to the outdoor freedom.
"Autumn Jazmine Moion." Only my mother calls me by this capitalistic name.
"Yes, John Louise Forrester, I heard you! Everybody in the whole class heard you!" He was embarrassed by his middle name, no doubt.
“It’s pronounced Louis!” He demanded with a fist full of power.
The class erupted with laughter; I tried not to convey a smile. His nose flared, jaw tight, like a man would do. Taron high fives me, classic move.
"I'm sorry my class isn't as interesting as watching those young fellas run around with their shirts off." The class laughed harder, and his face went bleak red.
"What makes you think I was staring at them?" I acted amazed, but we all knew how this would end.
"Well, Autumn, I suppose you would like to tell Mr. Rowland how interested you are in the opposing sex.” His remarks were unnecessary. “I'm sorry I don't teach hunky dudes 101!" My thoughts already a glare; does every teacher at this public school have it out for me?
"Well, well, well. I am curious who you are referring to as hunky dudes, because I think that is ninth grade P.E. Unless you enjoy the opposite sex going through their squeaky voice stage. If that’s the case, that's cool, but they’re a little immature for my taste." I shrug as if I fought every day so hard to be in this class. OH’s broke out around the large classroom. I smiled wildly.
"Autumn! OFFICEIO!" He pointed, and demanded as if this were Spanish class.
"No, I can't. I got to go to the movie classo. If I go to the office then I can't watch a film documented on someone’s excuse to be a part of some sort of society." Being serious now, just as the bell rang, saving me.
"Just go, AUTUMN!" He shouted into the hallway, as I got a standing ovation from my fellow students. Expressions from his annoyance made it clear he showed disappointment that I was not like my elder sister. With an objectifying wink, I stroll out of class.
"What's that about?" Jenks asked as I got another pat on the back.
"I was checking out the ninth-grade boys P.E. class. Forrester caught me fantasizing." I smiled with a shrug.
“What?” My remarks catching him off guard.
“I’m kidding.” I winked as he led us to the next class. We sat on a couch, and I pulled out my red tablet trying to finish my poem for the mid-term final. I re-read the last few lines, not noticing the movie starts. Japanese movie week, today something or other about a moving castle.
Opening to a blank page to finish this pathetic poem I cannot get away out of me, I start to focus on things I am actually good at:
I understand the end of things, which usually do not halt in good.
I know now, all too well that I am merely the prop in that masterpiece, not the prize in the welcoming horizon.
I step to my right, I lean to my left.
I look both ways before crossing like I was taught as a child.
She stands on one side and I stand on the other.
That is not my path, it is only hers.
I cannot follow where my footprints will not stay.
I am the leader in my own charade.
I would only be a player on her side of the tracks.
Defeated at the end of the coming scene.
Decreasing with morals and standards, because I was not the victor in your play, my sister.
~
I stop for a moment, watching a part of the movie. A magician is melting for some reason or another. His hair was orange-reddish, but now is black. He is crying and now he tells himself, there is no point in living if he can’t be beautiful.
"You and me both, brother," I whisper, but Jenks overhears.
"What did you say?" Confused by my comment.
"Umm...I was just thinking about my poem." I smile as a cover; he puts his arm around my shoulder. PDA is most acceptable in Mrs. Challey's classroom. On the projected screen, a woman is shouting now.
I stare at the words that don’t make sense to me, that may have made any intellect. My strength in surviving weakness lightens with every increasing word. She has never been a part of me, and I was never attached to her being. I was alone, as I was solo born, no twin attached.
I do not belong there and she holds no permanent place here, but as a guest in my life and I in hers.
I may push her out; I may build a wall to keep her out and everyone besides her.
The choice, mine, when I come along someplace and by choice I have abandoned my soul.
I have to go forward; I have no time to look back now.
I have too because it is what I was born for.
I will stand up, I will go on.
I have to.
I'll hold my head higher; I will embrace my future's cards.
Because one day it will be my day to shine.
She would gladly be there cheering me on my conquest.
I read it all the way through several times, proud of my accomplishment. I show Jenks and he reads it like it’s an assignment.
His attitude lifts up as he continues to capture each word with every phrase. He gets to the end and he doesn’t look up at me.
"That bad…” Scared in my tone.
"Autumn J...Jaze, this is amazing." His voice is low; I see water swirls around his eyes.
"No shit? Thank you, Jenks." He held me and cradled my life force; he was enchanted with my words.
"You have such a great talent." His face was closer to mine now.
"Hey! HEY! Jenkins and AJ, let's keep our faces away from each other." Mrs. Challey barked.
"Oh, come on Challey, we all know that if you had a boyfriend and you brought him to school you would be doing the same thing, especially if he was a hunk like Jenks here. Besides, I don’t think we are the worst in here." I winked. There were couches slid together beds made out of others, and covers over everything. She thought about it for a couple moments.
"True. Just pay attention to the movie." She giggled a little to herself. I faced forward and Jenks kissed me softly.
He held my hand, tracing the lines to our destiny.