My Father the Prude 36

Visions filtered through my mind as I held the white gold ring in the palm of my hand. It meant more to me than the size it was, it weighed nearly nothing, but somehow, it weighed down on me.

I tried so hard to picture us in the future in any kind of form. I was happy. I was beginning the first stages of letting myself feel that pure joy enlighten my body.

For a moment, I hovered over my figure, for a split slice in time, I was very aware of the happiness I could have. He wanted to be wed, wanted to be married for eternity. Wished for forever, could I even give him a tomorrow with me? Winnie would be delighted. Her face eliminating ecstatically. Her words rushing at me asking how and when, and even going as far as asking baby names.

That was our life, how it should have gone. Her to marry and start a life with Chatt Thurgood, and me to graduate from high school and marry his cousin, Jenkins. We would be a happy family, achieving some sort of stability in my mind.

I placed the everlasting circle in front of my father’s eyes. He glanced, and I swear there was a sparkle in his eyes.

“You will be ridding myself from your life as we last spoke then?” Scribbling his business notes as we carried on a somewhat notable conversation.

“It’s not like that; you will always be my father.” I assumed he wished for this for so many years, he’d be overjoyed with the thought of getting me out from his Moion name.

“Jenkins Thurgood is a very good man. I’m sure you both will be very happy with one another.” His words were soft.

“I know you would have appreciated for him to inquire about your blessing before asking me. I rather think that way of thought is a bit old fashioned, even for you.”

“What are you referring to, Autumn Jazmine? Jenkins flew to my business conference. He stayed and begged for your hand nearly all week. He had plans laid out for me to see, assured me that you would be greatly cared for.” The folders on his desk were in a pile. Filing the papers beneath an anonymous binder, he gave me his full attention.

“You’re telling me that Jenks, my Jenkins, flew halfway across the country to convince you of this?” Eyeballing the engagement loop.

“Yes, Autumn Jazmine, a very respectable young man, a maturity I assumed was lost in your generation.” Speaking the truth, he placed his hand over his chest.

“I assure you he did that for your benefit.”

“Greatly appreciate the thought of my opinion on the matter. I know you probably thought it was not my category of interest to conclude a statement.”

“You are my caretaker.” Folding my arms in agreement.

“I am your father.” Stumbling on the word father, he felt the blame.

“Yes, you are…” Picking up the ring and placing it around the proper phalange.

“Might we plan a get together if we ever find ourselves in the same neck of woods, AJ?” He shifted his eyesight just enough to notice the concern.

“Sure, that seems reasonable.” Walking to the exit.

“I am proud of you, my daughter, for everything you have been through, carrying us through the blurriest of skies.” His authenticity astonished me. Opening drawers to his presidential desk, he pulled a velvet box out. “I gave an identical one to Winter when she graduated. I had two made; this one is yours.” Untangling the silver chain he placed it around my wrist.

“Thank you, Dad. I’ve always wanted to hear those words from you. It means the world to me, you recognize that.” He went back to his paperwork, fumbling through the pages.

Graduation was in a couple weeks, and I hadn’t checked anything off my list of things to do before I leave. I remember the list as if it were my Bible of worshiping. The wisdom I desperately needed was coming from myself. I packed myself a lunch and began to head out of the towering door. Pictures of you hung on the wall, and I didn’t have a flinching pain to sob. I waved at you as I walked by, Winter. You smiled back like you always did, proud of what I had become. Saluting me on my way to my victory. Thank you, Winnie.

I climbed to the mountain and soared above every leaf and branch that had brought me down. This, for me, wasn’t about winning. It merely was a way of accepting. Neither triumph nor valor came rushing across up to me. I came here to study, not to be studied, to lay down in the open grass, and breathe the free air. I was, after all, a being of life, a creature of power.

I will shout and scream into the clouds and people might stare, but at least I will know that I am alive. People might hear me and see me for Winter's little sister, but I will always be me. Winter saw me, alive; I don’t want to let her down.

Thank you, Winnie, for waking me up and making me grow.

I'll push back the tears, as I try to come to terms with losing you. I have to learn to let you go. I am trying to move on because I know the sadness of everything that happened will take me over again and again if I think about it too much. I have to keep going; I need to move forward. I was barely surviving; I was dying, just like you were. I am holding onto you, but you have already let go of me and of this world. I wrote you a letter, Winnie. I needed to understand. I needed to know why you left me. I now realize that I have to go, I have to be strong. I need to be independent. Let me read it to you.

Dear, Winter Magnolia Moion

Winter, my sister, my own sibling, my caretaker, my best friend; someone who was always there for me, no matter what happened. Winnie, I miss you and I always will. I love you, sister, more than anything. I know our differences sometimes kept us apart, but I do love you. I can never replace your memory, and I know now I never want to. There are a few things I would like to apologize for that I never really got around to saying I was sorry for. I'm sorry I was stubborn and didn't always hear you out. I'm sorry you thought you had to take care of me and raise me since Mom left. I am so deeply sorry; I didn't go with you on that day. I am so very sorry I wasn't by your side, to jump with you... I know it was an accident, I'm sorry I was selfish about it before. I blamed myself for your death and his. It wasn't my fault; it wasn't anybody's fault, except fate’s. I'm sorry I couldn't stop it and I couldn't save you.

I dislike your yellow assumptions because now I live by them.

I hate how you always smiled when you were hurting, and how you told me everything would be okay even though you didn't believe it. I am scared to live, but that is part of living. I await new adventures in my life, and I wish you were here to experience them with me. I love Jenks, I really do. I hope one day that we will have the kind of love you and Chatt had. Don't worry I tell him I love him.

The truth is, I don't understand why you left, or why you had to go the way you did. I don't know if I will ever understand, but that's part of life. When you died, I lost a part of myself I will never get back. I stood behind you like a shadow to your world. But, that wasn’t your fault. I liked it better that way, out of the spotlight where no one had to notice me or who I was.

I know I was afraid before, but it's not fear that is holding me back, it's you. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but you know it's true. I have come to some terms with many things, like the fact that you won't be there on the day of my wedding telling me I made the right decision. Or how you won't be there on the day I give birth to babies, comforting and telling me they look nothing like Josephine. I know you love me, and that will never change. I love you too.

I bet Heaven is beautiful, and you and Chatt got married as you meant to, I'm sorry I couldn't stand by your side. I'm sorry I could never say I loved you out loud. It hurt too much, but I know it meant more to you.

I need to let you go now because I'm holding you back, and you need to move on, and so do I. I will let you drift away out of this world into the next. Because, I accept it now and understand things happen for a reason and you lived your life, and now it is time to step forward and be my own. Thank you for all those lessons you taught me. I will never forget you; your memory will always burn brightly inside my heart. I hope you and Chatt are together, I love you guys. Be happy, and I will try to be.

Help me be free, as I set you free. This is goodbye, for now at least. I love you, sister. I will see you in the stars.

Forever yours, Autumn Jazmine.

I closed the envelope, sealed it. Having tied one yellow balloon through the punched hole to let it fly. I watched it float away into the clear blue skies absent from me and go from here. I smile, a sigh of relief, fearing for a minute it would come back to me, that somehow I would have to keep holding onto it. I keep staring, then when I couldn't see it anymore, I turned to walk away. Starting a new life with a charming guy, I breathe the new air into my body. He waves, asking me if I am ready to go, leaning against the rugged car. I nod slightly, turning around to say goodbye once more.

"I love you, Winnie. See you around." I twirl the ring around my finger. "Yeah, I'm ready. Coming!" I turn to walk to Jenkins, my future, my destiny.

I look back not to ache for her presence once more, but to acknowledge it and accept it. For the first time that spring, my tears become untangled.