Back to School Again 8

Gone. Breathless. Lifeless. Dead. Words with all the same meaning, all having to do with one crucial event.

3 months since we last spoke. Since we exchanged laughs or tall tales of the folks around town. Where had the times gone when you were next to me facing everything with me, as a team?

School started Monday, like usual; at least that didn't change. Summer passed like other months that needed to begin and end. I wake to get ready, to brace myself for all the apologetic faces, giving sympathy where it surely surpasses. It's not as if their extended hands or their open apologizes will bring her back. As if their hugs or handshakes will make the feeling of the absence leave me.

My feet hang above my head in the open air. I imagine shoes upon them, but I don't know what ones to put on. Bare, they stay for now. Hours away from my first day of being a senior.

Darkness clouded the sky outside, 4 a.m. Tired and weakness are not in my body today. Although excitement and thrill weren't beckoning at my heart either.

I put on a comic T-Shirt. I think whatever to myself in the mirror, my hair in a wave. I grab a jacket and head for the door, backpack draped over one shoulder.

"You're going to school today?" My dad asked as I touched the front doorknob.

"Yeah, better than being in here." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

He grunts. "Well, have fun."

"Thanks. Hey, maybe you should go to work too." I race out the door.

Walking into every classroom as everyone stares. No one is quick enough to make eye contact with me, except one. He is smiling, beautiful white teeth and magical emerald eyes; Jenkins Thurgood.

Jenkins and I first met in the 2nd grade. He sat next to me in his superhero T-Shirts, myself in spring dresses. He teased me by pulling on my dark pigtails. Calling me cute and pretty in class, sneaking kisses upon my cheek. Like any other seven-years-old would I shyly smiled at him with almond-shaped eyes. I smile and laugh as if things are normal.

Taron the only real friend I seem to have, takes my hand gripping my innocence in the tips of my fingers. Holding onto all I seem to have left to live for now. I sit down and listen to the teacher to. I hear about war, how it’s destroying factors affect the countries involved. I hear about peace, and how the fundamentals of it are pure bliss. When someone is truly at peace one can only imagine the sufficient amount of joy your own heartbeat can give you.

As I looked up from my English assignment, he was staring at me. I raised my head to meet his eyes. I shyly look around to see who he is, in fact, staring at. Other students have their heads down; boredom had taken them. I stared back at him with questioning eyes. He just stared at me. No angry or saddened eyes, but hopeful ones. He focused as he wrote something on a piece of paper and I got back to my homework. Why Jenkins kept staring at me, I hadn’t a clue. Sure, we had things in common and there were moments in time that bonded us to one another, but in all honesty, the only thing we held in sync was the loss of esteemed ones. How could that be a basis of any friendship, not to mention relationship?

The bell rings and I race to the restroom, looking in the mirror. I was pretty, and some guys might classify me as more. I heard what others would say, the snide remarks going as far to say I might even be prettier than Winter. Who knows with all the gossip of high school? I was a simple person. She had the personality; who cared about looks? Nonetheless, I was just another face to push terms with.

Jenks ranked high at Knight High School, head of the Lacrosse team, la-di-da. I’m chilling with awesome sort of vibes. I, on the other hand, no need to do outbreaks of any kind, that was Winter’s suit. The shadows claimed my style, where I shined the best in quiet corners in classrooms.

I lead my eyes to the lines of the ceiling above me, closing my lids I try to focus on things I can form with squares and dots. I put together houses and stick bodies. I manage to put together the rocks and the seashore of that day. How the dark clouds moved over the light blue sky. Swift as the wind moved them along their way. I find her smiling. I see her jump...I see Chatt jump too...I open my eyes before the storyline gets to the part I hate most of all; the conclusion.

I jolt in my seat out of memory. You know everyone is staring at me.

"Autumn, are you okay?" Taron asks as he presses on my shoulder.

"Dang, clowns, ha-ha, won't leave me alone." Nervous laughter breaks out around the room, bouncing from wall to wall, hiding on the glossy floor. I grab my backpack and yell "Got to go" to the teacher and wave her off as she tries to assist in my misery.

People are staring; their whispers linger around me. I sit down in the library in my regular seat, at my regular table. Ready to study for some class, that I haven’t paid any attention to. I realize things may never be the same.

My academic book is heavy, and I just gape at it, my hands in my pockets. I realize our father will not love me the way he loved her. I accept that. I get it. As I look around, glancing not on sympathetic faces, but just faces minus the sym part, making them all pathetic. I laugh to myself; people probably think I’m crazy. Good, I think. I'd rather be nuts than be like you fake citizens.

It's weird not having you here with me, Winter. You were always there to back me up, to encourage the spontaneity. Now, here I am, sitting alone because you’ve left. I understand I will never be you, Winter. Maybe I am finally realizing I don’t want to be. I think you would want me to have my own independence, become a person of my own. I realize all these people surrounding me, all these faces will never look friendlier to me. I don't think I can fake liking them anyway. They make me sick. The bell signals the end of lunch, and I stand up before there’s a clear exit and go on my way.

Blue.

"AJ?"

Blue skies, blue oceans. Blue.

Orange.

"Autumn?"

Orange sunsets, orange puddles of paint. Orange.

"Autumn Jazmine?"

I hate school, I hate colors, I hate the thought of colors being alive. When every shade seems to have an opposite spectrum that deepens, darkens until it is black like the death we are all forced to endure.

Purple.

"Autumn Jazmine Moion?" Taps appear on my left shoulder.

Purple flowers, purple eyeshadow. Purple.

Yellow.

"Ms. Moion!" The sound of a book vibrated my whole desk.

"It was her favorite color," I confessed.

"I have been calling your name for the past five minutes, Autumn." The teacher stared down at me as if I was a disease. I glared back up at her.

"I'm sorry?" A confused look on my face that kind of says, what would you like for me to do?

Everybody's eyes were instilled onto me. Flies looking to deteriorate a nearby carcass.

"Excuse me, Ms. Moion?" Ms. Trey puts her hands on her hips to make a serious point. One I had no intention of taking note on.

"Yes, Ms. Trey?" Fed up with school already it's only 4th period and I wanted to bail. I'm so excited for nine months of this; hooray for senior year!

"You can either answer the question or you can go see the principal." She shook her finger at me as if it were to correct misbehaving manners.

"Hmmm...shoot."

"Excuse me?" Her face tightened.

"The question?" The class whispered ohs! Way to be third-grade senior classmates.

"The name of this painting would be nice." She held up a picture of a small solo tree surrounded by mountains.

"Solitary Tree."

"Alright, well, keep your eyes on the screen." She moves back to the front of the room.

I slouch down in my seat, folding my arms. Thinking, of course, I am way too good for this school.

The bell rings. Finally.

"I'll expect your reports on the photograph by tomorrow, two hundred words." She tries to speak above the rushing of students exiting to salvation.

I pick up my backpack.

"Autumn, can I talk to you for a moment?" She pulls me aside after everyone has emptied the classroom.

"Your behavior has been, well, unacceptable, AJ. I know you are having a hard time right now. I once had a childhood cat die. It was very tough for me. There is no need for rude behavior. I know you are just acting out, going through a phase. I read a lot of books on your teenage struggles. Let's try to be a little nicer tomorrow, okay, sweetie?" She smiles as if it were to fix anything. Touching my arm, probably for comfort.

"Thanks for that.” I try to stay calm and not freak out. “Your cat died? Not your sister or mother? It was a cat and you assume you know how I feel or what I’m going through? You obviously don't know anything about teens or loss. I hope you got your cat stuffed because it is the only thing that will ever want to be around you!" My voice was hurt and deprived. I wiped off her arm. Mad that I even decided to come to school today.

●

Jenks found me lying on the grass, feet hanging on top of the wooden bench in the common area.

"Rough day? Principal Rowland is looking for you." He stood above me casting, a shadow above me. I pull out my headphones.

"Hey, Jenkins." I stare at the cloud; it seems like it might rain.

"You skipping class already and we haven't even hit Christmas break yet." He grins a sweet smile that makes me both nervous and excited.

"Ha, well Ms. Trey has it out for me." I shut my eyes, wanting nothing more than to hide under a mountain of comforters.

"I'm sure you egged her on." He winked, giving a playful nudge.

"I didn't think you talked to me at school?" Rolling eyes not of my own.

"You don't see anybody around, do you? So it's okay to be seen with you, right now." Charming trouble maker, what a beautiful combo.

"Wow, you are such a nice guy, I can't believe we’re friends." Getting back to the music.

"I'm just kidding, AJ."

"Where are all your boys at anyway, didn't think they left your side?" I kept my eyes shut, wishing I was gone, floating away from earth into the unknown of the white clouds.

I could feel his stare on me, but I did not lookup.

"Escaped. Wanted to be by this lovely lady." He put his head close enough to mine that I could hear his breathing, desperate as it was.

"What made you come looking for me this time?"

"I was late getting back from lunch with this girl..." Whipping my eyes open, trying to act casual. He noticed too quickly.

"Ha-ha, I knew you cared! I'm just kidding, I had to go home and I was late getting back."

"Oh, your parents back?" Fiddling with earbuds.

"Yeah, New Zealand."

"How was their trip?"

"Great, actually, they..." He named off all these places and all these types of historical bones they found. The amazing lengths they went to become known for all these material objects carved out of stone. I drifted off, not knowing anything he was speaking of, nor wishing I had.

"Hey, AJ? Are you still listening?" He sat up, giving my limb a shake.

"Yeah, I heard you." Clarification to my inner lies.

The final bell rings, school is out.

I jump up and hustle to the parking lot. Jenks calls after me.

"Hey, can I see you tonight? If you want to hang out?" There was the anticipation in his voice and I wondered if the anxious flutter that began to spread in my uterus was any indication of being tempted by his body.

"See you later!" I wave back over my head, turning my face to give him a half-smile, permission granted. Hopefully, the access was not for my lady parts, although, I imagine, I could handle that portion later by myself.

Maybe all I needed was a relaxing time to not think and just feel; if it was possible, maybe Jenkins could do the touching and I do most of the feeling.