only the idea that he was happy. They wished for Winter’s proposal ring, as a means to tie up loose ends. With some bartering, they relinquished the rights to have it buried with her, its rightful place. The head of the household not caring either way. His words falling flat as I begged him to convince them to let her keep the one last promise on this planet. I consorted that he would not take away the one thing that would make her the happiest in this life.
Tell me I’ve been reborn, that the light at the end of the tunnel was finally fallen victim to me. Am I rushing through crowds of unknown faces or just ones that I’ve belonged to?
I heard it raining outside. Rushing outside to find skies dark with gray. I was still half asleep, aching comfort. I lay down in the wet grass, setting myself next to the flowers she had once planted. I lay on my back, embracing the drops of solitude landing around me. I was tired and closed my eyes. I felt the cold for only a moment until it faded away, like all my other feelings. Beats chimed upon my face. Rhythms chuckled around my chilly toes. Patterns danced across my tummy. I was asleep, far away from her, not in a cold world, but in a numb one. I nuzzled my head deeper into my grass pillow.
"Take me away. Lead me from this painful world. Let me be gone as you are," I confessed to her. She was mute, as she always was during the day. Of course, I knew why.
"Please..." I begged with the begotten. No one heard the cries I made, the pain that toiled among my tears. Turning over, I fell back into my hollow visions.
"Autumn." The voice was small and forgetful.
"Autumn, wake up." More distinctive, but I brushed it away to the wind.
"It's time now!" This voice shouted at me.
But, when I opened my eyes, the voice was gone and so was the thought of being needed. I laid my head back down in my bed of dirt and weeds. Waiting, I assume to be soaked up by the warmth of the forgiving sun. Wondering as I whisper to myself, time for what?
I slip, I fall. I am stumbling around this black dream again. My heart beating wildly.
"Let me be..." I whisper to the undying breeze. I fall, I crawl, letting the rain beat down the side of my body I no longer claim. Lying in a puddle of unhappiness, the ache, the pain pulsating beside me.
"STOP!" I scream. "PLEASE..." I beg. But, it is only me on the dirty floor now. I silent the cries; I am destroying solely my own self.
I wake up frightened and alone...Alone I think to myself? The windows shake from the wild wind, I wrap the covers up around my elusive body and try to breathe when all I want is to stop the heartbeat coursing throughout me. You're nothing like she was, I gently remind myself. “I know,” I speak ever so softly.
I fall back into my delusions, exhausted with blues. I look around and no one is to be found; who am I searching for anyway? I hear wooden footsteps and shuddering fear defiantly creeps in. I turn to face my undeceiving fate; a welcoming hand hovers in front of me.
"Jenkins?" I question. He smiles gently, cradling me in his arms.
"It's time to go home, AJ."
Two weeks have passed since their funerals, three weeks since the accident. I almost go there daily in mind or physicality, to the bridge or the graves. Jenkins making odds and ends to make my acquaintance more than a passing memory.
He wishes more from me than I can give.
The doorbell rings, I assume it is one of the many people delivering baked goods to our doorstep, rolls and platters of plentiful food. I can see snow start filtering throughout the clouds. I stare out the window noticing raindrops are taking place on top of Jenks's car in the driveway; a tiny sparkle of excitement rises up inside me. I soon begin to kill it because I want no part of it. Slowly, I feel it dying inside me. He heads for the front door but, my father meets him halfway. He asks for me I can tell that by his wondering eyes. He shakes his head and Jenks hands my father a book snd drives away back into whatever real world there is left. I watch him drift away into the distance. Love me, I pray, Take me with you back to some reason for reality.
He quietly enters my room dropping the heavy book onto my deacons bench.
"The Thurgood boy came over. He said he was Chatt’s cousin." The room still filled with darkness. "Jenks, Jenkins Thurgood. The one that brought you home." He fumbled with his wordings. I could tell how he was shaking his head in my direction.
"I know which one, Dad.” I wait for him to leave the room, so I can get back to this silent atmosphere.
"You know you can't live like this forever; senior year will be commencing soon. I expect you to do great things for your final year in high school." Pushy as he always needed to be.
"Okay, sir, you got it," I reply, reluctantly. Holding in curse words until he says the unthinkable.
"Autumn Jazmine, I just want to let you know she is never coming back. To you or to me, her presence will certainly not be physical to us for a second time. She is gone forever. You might as well accept that now as I have." He drags it out, making me hear every word like slaps to my broken heart. Good ole daddy; my, how she idolized you of all people.
“I know,” I painful confess, and remind myself of every single detail of that afternoon.
She’s gone.