Lipstick Stain 11
for fortune and fickle fame, she would tell me suggestive things in the way of manipulating only yourself. I remember the times I found her staring in the long narrow mirror.
“Am I dashing young, Autumn Jazmine?” She would smile caressing her red lips. I shook my head up and down as any young girl who idolized her mother would.
“Are Winnie and I pretty too?” She would sit me next to her, batting at my hands if I tried to grab anything shiny.
“Well, sure you are. One day, you might even be as beautiful as Winter is, or even as breathtaking as I am.” She laughed to herself. “If you want to be beautiful dear, Autumn Jazmine, remember these things I tell you. You must believe it more than anything. You are the one and only person that should be important in your life. Look out for your own well-being and others will want to be a part of your world. No one cares about the ugly or old.” She sprayed perfume and dabbed it upon her sparkly neckline.
"If you let others control your emotions, little girl you will never amount to where you want to be in life. You can be important and beautiful by yourself.” I didn’t understand clearly, it made me sad.
“Now, don’t cry; crying is a sign of weakness. Remember that, dear child. The road may be lonely, but you can always find a companion to stick by you for the night. I am turning out wonderfully. I don't need anyone and neither do you." She still plays these lies in my six-year-old head. I reach out for a hug or meaningful hold. She looks at me disgusted; eyes squint in a manner unnoticeable of a mother.
“Autumn Jazmine, don’t clutch. Hate it when you do that. You are like your father in that way, so clingy! You’ll wrinkle my gown. Where is your sister? She is supposed to be watching you. Winter Magnolia!” Winnie ran into my rescue, carrying me away as I turned to get one last gaze at my mother. The last impression I had of my sweet mother was the stain of lipstick on her teeth.
“Hey did you watch the new anime show I told you about last week?” Taron’s voice echoes through my locker and I nod as he continues on with his conversation.
But it’s another voice that has me turning trying to be involved in the back and forth. Jenkins and his friends walk down the hall and I find my fingers fumbling to manage a wave.
Instead, I bite my bottom lip and he notices, staring at the crunched on the mouth, and then eyes meet my own. Those green dark depths speak louder than any words. Making me lose all the intentional ones I tried to rehearse.
He goes on passing by, and I watch him go remembering what it feels like to be left behind once more.
“AJ, let’s get calzones for lunch today! I got to get to speech. I’ll send you that clip I was talking about from the episode I’m on.” Taron is gone with a smile, and it’s only when I return his reflection that he leaves satisfied.
Pulling books haphazardly out, angry at the situation and for fucking feeling an actual loss from his presence. Goddamn, an actual loss what am I thinking? Nobody told me having a crush or liking a guy would make me crazy; I want no part of this hormonal parade.
In aggravation, I tug too hard, and the thick textbooks crash to the floor.
“Shit.” Moving my feet before I have an actual loss of toes.
“Shit indeed, Autumn Jas-Mini.” Dramatic entrances were made for Monique Reynolds. She had that twitch of her wrist, the flick of her pale brown hair, that I’m sure forest animals could build nests with.
“Good hell, not you.” My head fully defeated in my locker, wishing it were an oven.
“What did you say, sweetie?” Twinkles in her hibernating blue eyes, make me cringe. Gosh, get some highlights, or a face tattoo.
“I said great heavens, it’s you; come up with a better nickname if you want originality points there, pep-talk.” Slam the locker shut, not even bending over to pick those books up. Maybe the scavengers can use them to warm their homes.
“Are you going to pick this mess up, darlin’.” Think I hate her, been debating it for a while. Nope conclusive evidence states I do indeed harbor despise worthy emotions toward this chick.
“Oh, I would I just don’t have the necessary time seeing as the tardy bell has rung and our interaction has caused me to be late. Plus I got my nails done yesterday. You’ll be a dear and get those handled for me, right? Thanks, totes love your fishtail braid.” Bitch, I said totes, kamikaze my freedom of speech this very second.
The strike down would be righteous and deserving, because when I turn around, I see Jenkins pucker and rub his chin, and the disappointments build.
There I hit a point where the guy I welcomed into the darkness with me now was too bright to view. Jenkins, I tried to plead with silent words and open eyes.
Jenkins agrees to show on one of our late-night spots. He came with reluctant shoulders slouched, his voice unspeakable. My sentences freezing in the night air. I grabbed ahold of him, worried he would flee like I have been doing so many times before. That half-smile brings my nerves to a halt and the exhale is needed.
“I’ve never been one to love. To see love, feel it or admit it.” I began with a course work of what I knew. I didn’t want to give in to an imposter. The truth was, I was scared. My father convinced us we would never find love; true, first, or lasting. On the other hand, there was a perfect example of romance; Winter and Chatt. I told him only things I thought he needed to believe.
“I like to think you are in love with me and nothing has ever made me more uncomfortable.” I stared up at his darkening moonlit eyes.
Shrugs, that is all he gives me.
“I also might actually feel some sort of attraction towards your being.” I closed my eyes and actually wished for rejection. He stopped shuffling, trying to keep both of us warm.
“I know, Jaze.” Propping me up and kissing the hell out of those chilling lips.
“You knew?” Back down, letting both feet hit the frozen ground.
“Been waiting for you to realize it.” He smiled, and so did I.