It’s off. They’ve cancelled the night at the hotel. I stare at the email and have mixed emotions. For all I don’t want to take part in this stupid idea or spend the night in a plush hotel that reeks of money, seeing something that was promised snatched away before I’ve had a chance to fully dismiss it feels like an insult. After all, and it pains me deeply to even think this let alone admit it to anybody else, I have nothing else going on in my sad little life. Pathetic, that’s what I am. A pathetic little nobody. All my friends over the years have fallen away. Alcohol was the only thing that bound us together. Pals from the pub who weren’t really pals at all. They were drinking buddies, people who happened to prop up the same bar that I did night after night, that’s all they were. We had nothing else in common. Most of them didn’t even know where I lived. All they knew about me was what sort of beer I drank, which football team I supported and the fact that I was single and lived alone. That’s it. A shallow existence full of 2D acquaintances. Even Beth has seen through me and my pointless life. The damaged girl from damaged town has sprouted wings and flown away. I’m alone now. Alone and perhaps even lonely.
Jesus. Talk about fucking melancholic. I take a swig of hot coffee and swallow it down, enjoying the burning sensation as it sears my gullet, landing in my stomach, the spread of boiling liquid helping to kick away the feelings of misery. I need to stop this. Fancy getting so bloody morose over a cancelled work commitment.
‘I thought that with the backlash, it was for the best.’ Ruth is walking towards me, her face devoid of emotion.
She’s looking to me for support, some sort of reassurance that she hasn’t pissed off half the workforce. I’m not really in the mood for bolstering somebody else’s feelings today. Ruth probably earns more than me. She’s a big girl, she can handle this on her own.
‘You’re probably right. Best keep it as a day thing, eh? Then nobody has to make extra plans or tell their other half they’ll be away for the night, living it up while their partners are stuck at home watching crap TV with a bag of crisps and a cheap bottle of wine for company.’
Ruth doesn’t react, her feelings well hidden behind a mask of impassivity.
‘I need to ask you a favour, Ade.’ She is almost whispering, her body language furtive as she swings her head around to see if anybody else is listening in.
My skin prickles with apprehension. What now? And why me? Do I look like the sort of guy who enjoys having to shoulder the troubles of everybody around them?
Ruth doesn’t wait for me to reply or agree, carrying on as if this thing is a fait accompli. As if I will agree wholeheartedly without putting any real thought into it. Is this because I backed her idea earlier? Does she now consider us allies?
‘This thing tomorrow – will you try to make sure everybody enjoys it? I know I shouldn’t be asking, but I’m under a lot of pressure to raise morale in the office since Deborah’s disappearance. I realise this isn’t going to bring her back but the least we can do is try to stick together and act as a team, don’t you agree?’
I find myself nodding, not because I agree with her but because, like the coward I am, I don’t know what else to say or do in return. I wonder if she’s asking others to do the same or has singled me out because I initially backed her idea of the hotel business. Not that it matters because we both know that I’ll do as she asks, blindly following her request. Ruth would never approach Allison or Merriel to do this, both of them too confident and mouthy to go along with it. She probably wouldn’t approach Yvonne, who is too reserved to be the type to gee everyone else on. Which leaves me. I should feel flattered really. And yet I don’t. What I feel is pressured. The others think me young and inexperienced. Like they’re going to take notice of anything I say anyway.
‘That’s great,’ she says, already moving away now I’ve bowed to her pressure. ‘Thank you. I think this thing is going to turn out just fine after all.’
And with that, she is gone, bustling back to her office, closing the door behind her with the gentlest of clicks. Typical Ruth, managing to appear timid and unassuming while also managing to offload all of her burdens and tasks onto somebody else. Passive-aggressive, that’s what she is. And I’m her useless, cowardly partner, too unassuming and stupid to refuse her demands.
In my pocket, I feel my phone begin to buzz. I slip it out, the weight of disappointment at my own ineptitude and cowardice a heavy force that is pressing down on me. It’s there, glowing at me – Beth’s name. A message. She’s finally made contact. The dread that usually sits in the base of my stomach at the sight of her name isn’t there. I feel something that I never thought I would feel at the thought of communicating with her – happiness and joy. She’s back in my life and what upsets and pleases me in equal measure is the fact that I am actually experiencing those feelings. This is how far my life has fallen. How far I have fallen. I’ve become the person who looks to the local loser for friendship and support.
Sorry, Ade. Been off on one doing a bit of thinking. Fancy meeting up at the weekend?
I reply straight away, aware of how sad and pitiful that looks, telling her that I’ll call round and pick her up on Saturday and we’ll take a walk into town.
Cool. See you then. Lots to tell you. Beth x
And that’s it. My mood has already lightened. I can’t work out whether I’m a sad old twat or just easily pleased, but either way, Beth is back in my life and I’m hoping that this time she will manage to hold herself together.
I turn back to my computer screen, everything that little bit easier to bear. Even the dreaded team-building day doesn’t feel like such an onerous undertaking. Outside, the sun makes an unexpected appearance, peering out from behind a gathering of clouds the colour of gunmetal. Warm amber rays spread over my desk, a small blanket of contentment in what was, up until now, a dull and joyless day.
Even this ridiculous event tomorrow doesn’t faze me. Beth is back, and regardless of how difficult or overbearing she is, regardless of how much energy she sucks out of me, I’m glad of it.
‘See you tomorrow.’ Merriel passes me, a look on her face that I can’t quite define.
‘Tomorrow? Where you off to so early?’ I’m tempted to make a joke about her suddenly being part-time but something about her mood, her body language, stops me. Now doesn’t feel like the right moment for frivolous sarcastic comments.
She stops, turning to glance at me before letting out a long, tremulous sigh. ‘Problems at home. Need to get back to sort it out.’
‘Oh. Anything I can help with?’ I would like to help if I could but, if I’m being honest, I’m also curious. We all know so little about each other. Maybe I was right and Merriel does have some issues with a violent partner. I really hope not. Merriel and I may not be the best of friends but nobody deserves to live with someone who beats them to a pulp on a regular basis.
‘Not really.’ She sits down beside me and lowers her voice to a whisper. ‘I’ve not told Ruth so please keep it to yourself. I’ve got family staying over and they’re causing me loads of problems.’
‘Is it anything to do with your eye?’
She nods and looks away. ‘I’ve got two sisters and things are… difficult at the minute. I thought it would all be okay but it turns out that they’re more selfish than I ever realised.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ And I am. Families can be a horrible burden. Forget the families that ooze love and happiness and long-standing commitment to each other, there are those, like mine, that ooze toxicity and violence and the other many endless problems that substance abuse and addiction can bring. ‘If you need to talk, you know where I am.’
Merriel nods and moves away, her features and body all angular and defensive. I hope she works it out, I really do. We all deserve some peace in our lives. Even Merriel.
I turn back to my computer, open the folder that contains the latest quotes from our main supplier and get back to work.