The page references in this index correspond to the printed edition from which this ebook was created. To find a specific word or phrase from the index, please use the search feature of your ebook reader.
Page numbers in bold indicate tables; those in italics indicate illustrations.
Aber, Lawrence, 241
acceptance, communicating, 255
acting out scenarios, conflict resolution, 133
activities, sharing, 195
activity box for child, 237, 248
adjustment scenarios, birth and the first few months, 262–65
Adler, Alfred, 183
age-based roles and competition, 171
aggression (hitting, kicking), 35–36, 122, 124–37, 294–305, 300, 301
agreements (negotiation tool), 82, 90, 102
Aha! Moments, xxii
AhaParenting.com, xvii, 182, 187, 193, 213, 236
alliances, shifting, 198–99
alone time daily with each child, 268
amusing the baby by older child, 277
amygdala, 9
‘and’ vs. ‘but,’ discipline, 35
anger and punishment, 19
Anna’s story, xviii
Annie’s story, 242
announcements, family meetings, 213–14
annual sibling celebration, 192
answering questions about pregnancy, 220
apologizing, conflict resolution, 143–44, 146
appreciations, family meetings, 211–12
asking questions about feelings, 67–68
assessing danger, 200–201
atmosphere of appreciation, 277
Attachment Play (Solter), 203
attention, desire for your, 101, 105–6, 251
Atzimba’s story, 234
audiobooks for older child at bedtime, 258
authoritarian (strict) parenting, 5, 17
babies and toddlers, sharing a room, 207
baby, new. See before the new baby and through the first year
babying older child, 255
backup, making sure child knows he has, 134
bad days, 196
Bailey, Becky, 203, 270
Becky’s story, 247
becoming a love multitasker, 270–71
bed, sharing, 207
bedroom, sharing, 205–8
bedtime, 191, 207, 225–26, 257–60, 269–70
before the new baby and through the first year, xx
See also birth and the first few months; crawling, building a positive foundation; calm parenting; welcoming a new baby
being present, 285
belittling baby to build older child up, 277
Belynda’s story, 36
Beth’s story, xx
Between Parent and Child (Ginott), 289
bickering, conflict resolution, 100–116, 121, 204
big events, kids going to each other’s, 173
birth and the first few months, 240–78
bedtime, 191, 207, 225–26, 257–60, 269–70
daily practices to stay connected with older child, 265–71
early months, the new normal, 260–62
feeding the baby, 247–49
first week, settling in as a family, 242–46
games for, 204, 246, 269, 271–73, 303
introducing your child to new baby, 241–42
laughter for, 246, 247–48, 249, 258, 269, 271–72
mixed emotions about baby, 249–52
naptime, managing, 257–60
overzealous hugs, 252–53
reading books with child, 248, 274–75
regression, 254–56, 256
scenarios (adjustment), 262–65
tips for, 275–78
See also before the new baby and through the first year
birthdays, celebrating, 173
birthing, child at, 234–36
birth order and competition, 181–82
blaming vs. problem-solving, 88–89
bonding. See calm parenting
boredom, conflict resolution, 105
brain, getting both sides involved, 252
brain development of child, 9, 12–13, 22, 44, 128–29, 245, 286
brainstorming, 82, 86, 124
breastfeeding (nursing), 224, 225, 226, 230–32, 247–49, 256
Brenda’s story, 172
bringing children together, conflict resolution, 122
bringing up issues, family meetings, 212–13
Brody, Gene, 16
Bronson, Po, 66, 194
Brothers Are Forever, 187
building a positive foundation. See crawling, building a positive foundation
building time with each child into the routine, 285
built-up resentment, conflict resolution, 101, 102–3
bully/victim roles, x
Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stree-free Parenting (Markham), xviii, xxv–xxvi, 11, 62, 166
Calm parenting, xv–15
brain development of child, 9, 12–13, 22, 44, 128–29, 245, 286
challenges of, xxi–xxiv
coaching vs. controlling, xviii, xxii, xxvi, 5–6, 22
connection, xviii, xxvi, 4–5, 6, 20–21, 28, 33, 36, 62
emotional intelligence, xviii, xxii, 11, 12, 65, 67–69, 187
emotion-coaching, 11–15
empathy/empathizing, xviii, 6, 13–15
fighting children, xx–xxvi
love, choosing, 307–8
modelling behaviour, 5, 6
parent-child relationships, importance of, 1–2, 4, 6, 16
perfect parents caution, 307
returning yourself to calm, 7–11
self-regulation, xviii, xxiii, xxv, xxvi, 3–4, 6, 7–11, 10, 13, 26, 28, 51, 98, 307
setting empathetic limits, xviii, 5, 13
sibling rivalry and, xix, xvi, xvii, xxi, 2, 4
support for, xxiv, 307
See also before the new baby and through the first year; calm, discipline, peaceful; empathy/empathizing; games; jealousy; laughter; love; modelling behaviour; teaching; setting empathetic limits; sibling rivalry calm (returning yourself to), calm parenting, 7–11
Camille’s story, 10
candles to illustrate your love, 252
Cartmell, Todd, 181
celebrating each child without fuelling competition, 172–75
celebrating family, 186–87
challenges of calm parenting, xxi–xxiv
changes, getting out of the way in advance of birth, 227
Chapman, Michael, 27
Chase and Cuddle (game), 305
cheating, 180
checking in to make sure everyone is enjoying the activity, 201
Cheryl’s story, 279
child spacing impact on sibling rivalry, 56–59, 60, 61
choosing love, calm parenting, 307–8
choosing treats and competition, 165
chore time, 189–90
coaching vs. controlling, calm parenting, xviii, xxii, xxvi, 5–6, 22
See also discipline, calm
Cohen, Lawrence, 111, 112, 181, 203, 226
Columbia University, xvii
comforter to help with separation, 234
comments about how much others love child, 196
communicating feelings, 63, 65–81, 185
emotional intelligence skills, coaching, 67–69
empathy/empathizing, 67, 70
identifying needs and feelings, 63, 71–75, 101
interpreter role (your), 70–71, 74–75, 101
listening, coaching, 63, 80–81
modelling behaviour, 68, 69
setting empathetic limits, 75–79, 101
sibling rivalry and, 71
See also calm, teaching; problem-solving
comparisons, competition, 163, 166–70, 174
competition, easing, 161–84
birth order and competition, 181–82
celebrating each child without fuelling competition, 172–75
comparisons, 163, 166–70, 174
empathy/empathizing, 162–63, 169, 174, 176, 178, 182
feelings of competition, 178–81
games for, 178–80
‘It’s not fair!,’ 161–66, 172
labelling, resisting, 170–72
laughter for, 180–81
preference for one child, 183–84
problem-solving and, 176
unwittingly fostering competition, 177
Who gets to push the lift button?, 175–76
See also calm, teaching
conceptualizing the baby growing and changing, 251
conflict resolution, 63, 93–146, 185
aggression (hitting, kicking), 35–36, 122, 124–37, 294–305, 300, 301
apologizing, 143–44, 146
bickering, 100–116, 121, 204
empathy/empathizing, 95, 96, 99, 101, 109, 114, 115, 117, 118, 119, 120, 122, 123, 126–27, 132, 133
fight, intervening in a, 121–24, 138–43
fighting, essential in teaching relationship skills, 95–96
games for, 112–13
‘hating’ a sibling, 119–21, 291
laughter for, 112–16
mean words, 118
modelling behaviour, 132, 146
parental intervention, 97–100, 121–24, 130–31, 138–43
playfully diverting bickering, 111–16, 204
problem-solving and, 101–2, 123–24, 133
punishing child for aggression, 124–28
repairs (healing after a fight), 123, 127, 143–46, 146, 283, 303
repeated aggression, stopping, 134–37
setting empathetic limits, 101, 109, 114, 120, 133, 135
sibling rivalry and, 98–99, 101, 134
taking sides, 98–99, 123, 190–91, 282–83
teasing, 114, 115, 116–17, 167, 204
toddler aggression, 128–31
‘We Get Along’ shirts, 93–95
working it out for themselves, 97–116
younger siblings aggression, 132–34
See also calm, teaching
connecting before correcting, 201
connection, calm parenting, xviii, xxvi, 4–5, 6, 20–21, 28, 33, 36, 62
Conscious Transitions (Paul), 238
consequences vs. limits, discipline, 29–32
See also setting empathetic limits
context to reduce resentment, welcoming a new baby, 229
controlling children. See coaching vs. controlling, calm parenting
cooling-off period, 122
co-parenting, 224–27, 246, 261, 269
Count Your Chickens (game), 179
crawling, building a positive foundation, 279–305
aggression (hitting, kicking), 35–36, 122, 124–37, 294–305, 300, 301
dividing your time, 283–86
empathy/empathizing, 287, 293, 303
games for, 203–4, 305
jealousy of baby, 288–92, 290, 291
modelling behaviour, 287, 304
problem-solving, helping older child, 286–88, 303
setting emphatic limits, 304
tips for, 280–83
toy grabbing, 292–94
See also before the new baby and through the first year
creating solutions, problem-solving, 82–83, 86, 124, 176, 288, 303
credit for baby’s accomplishments, giving to older child, 281
cruel treatment, conflict resolution, 101, 109–10, 130
crying, 44, 45, 46, 47, 50, 51, 201–2, 262
daily practice of helping, 189
daily practices to stay connected with older child, 265–71
daily Special Time, 36, 39–40, 46, 131, 166, 199, 207, 210, 251, 259, 285, 286
Dalai Lama, 188
danger, assessing, 200–201
Deanne’s story, 68
DeBenedet, Anthony, 246
delaying gratification, 58, 154, 155
Dell’Antonia, KJ, 283
depersonalizing problem-solving, 81, 83, 288
depression and punishment, 19
describing problem without judgement, 82, 86, 101, 124, 288, 292–93, 303
describing vs. comparing, competition, 167–68
details of birth, explaining, 235
Developing Mind, The (Siegel), 58
differences, celebrating, 187
different treatment for children, competition, 164, 172–73
‘difficult’ temperament, 55
dinner, sharing best and worst parts of day, 190–91
dinner, toasting achievements at, 173
directly interrupting unkindness, 199
discipline, calm, 16–51
consequences vs. limits, 29–32
empathy/empathizing, 18, 22, 32–36, 38, 45, 46, 67
fighting (more) cased by punishment, 17–20, 128, 295
modelling behaviour, 21, 22, 51
multiple upset children, 48–51
preventive maintenance, 36–40, 135–37, 166, 282, 285, 286
punishment vs. discipline, 5–6, 16, 17–20, 25, 26, 27, 30–31, 124–28, 295, 300
rethinking discipline, 20–22
rewards, rethinking, 28–29
scheduled meltdowns, 40, 43–48, 74, 131, 137, 294
setting empathetic limits, 18, 23–25, 28, 45
sibling rivalry and, 26–27, 37
time-in, 40, 41–43
time-outs, 25–28, 30, 31, 41, 125, 126
See also calm parenting
discussions (ground rules), family meetings, 213
disinterest by child and new baby, 221
dividing treats (negotiation tool), 89, 165
dividing your time, 283–86
doll for teaching baby care, 223, 276
‘Don’t wake the baby!,’ 258–59
dopamine, 197
‘Do you even care about me any more?,’ 289
‘drama queens,’ 14, 47
Dreikurs, Theodore, 97
Dugdale, Pamela, 93
Dunn, Judy, 57, 150, 167
early months, the new normal, 260–62
Earthquake (game), 246
‘easy’ temperament, 55
eat, love, play, 246
Eisenberg, Nancy, 152
Elaine’s story, 7
Elizabeth’s story, 196–97
Emily’s story, 65
‘emotional backpack,’ 44
emotional conduit for children’s association with baby, 222
emotional intelligence, xviii, xxii, 11, 12, 65, 67–69, 187
See also communicating feelings
emotion-coaching, calm parenting, 11–15
emotions (self-regulating), calm parenting, xviii, xxiii, xxv, xxvi, 3–4, 6, 7–11, 10, 13, 26, 28, 51, 98, 307
empathy/empathizing
birth and the first few months, 269
calm parenting, xviii, 6, 13–15
communicating feelings, 67, 70
competition, easing, 162–63, 169, 174, 176, 178, 182
conflict resolution, 95, 96, 99, 101, 109, 114, 115, 117, 118, 119, 120, 122, 123, 126–27, 132, 133
crawling, building a positive foundation, 287, 293, 303
discipline, calm, 18, 22, 32–36, 38, 45, 46, 67
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding, 201
See also calm parenting; setting empathetic limits
encouraging child to connect with baby, 222
enjoying your older children, 243
Erin’s story, 152
Esther’s story, 254
Ethics and Public Policy Centre, 194
expecting children to value each other, 185–88
expressive vs. receptive language, 236, 303
extrinsic rewards, 28
Faber, Adele, xvii, 166, 167, 171
factors that can exacerbate rivalry, 54–60
fairness and competition, 161–66, 172
family, 186–87, 188–92
Family Agreement on Property Rights and Sharing, 158
family meetings, 191, 210–14
family mottos, 193–94, 214
fear and punishment, 19
feeding the baby, 247–49
See also nursing (breastfeeding)
feelings. See communicating feelings
feelings of child about new baby, expressing, 228
feelings of competition, 178–81
fight, flight, or freeze, 8–9, 33, 50, 80, 121, 125, 127, 287
fight, intervening in a, 121–24, 138–43
fighting, essential in teaching relationship skills, 95–96
fighting children, xx–xxvi
See also calm parenting
fighting (more) cased by punishment, 17–20, 128, 295
Fighting Over Child (game), 272
finishing family meetings-214, 213
first week, settling in as a family, 242–46
Fix (game), 272
Football (game), 305
Forbidden Island (game), 179
forcing sharing, 148, 150, 151, 152, 159
frayed connection with older child (scenario), 262–63
friends vs. siblings, 208–10
games
birth and the first few months, 204, 246, 269, 271–73, 303
Chase and Cuddle (game), 305
competition, easing, 178–80
conflict resolution, 112–13
Count Your Chickens (game), 179
crawling, building a positive foundation, 203–4, 305
Earthquake (game), 246
Fighting Over Child (game), 272
Fix (game), 272
Football (game), 305
Forbidden Island (game), 179
God/Goddess of Love (game), 204
It’s Mine (game), 112–13
jealousy, 204, 269, 271–73, 303
Lovesick Puppy (game), 204
Max (game), 179
‘Mummy, I need you!’ (game), 273, 280, 303
Pick On Someone Your Own Size (game), 113
rough and tumble (play fighting), 38–39, 45, 110, 113, 115, 117, 130–31, 137, 197, 199–204, 247, 249, 253
teamwork games, 178–79
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding, 203–4, 305
Ventriloquy (game), 260, 261, 305
We Always Come Back to Each Other (game), 272–73
welcoming a new baby, 226–27
What About Me?! (game), 113
You Can’t Get to Mummy (game), 226–27
See also laughter; calm parenting
ganging up on each other, 198–99
gender-based roles and competition, 171
gender impact on sibling rivalry, 60, 61
generosity. See sharing
Gerber, Magda, 284
‘getting along,’ xix
getting off to a good start. See birth and the first few months
gift exchange for goodwill, 241–42
Ginott, Haim, xviii, 27, 289
gloating, discouraging, 179
God/Goddess of Love (game), 204
Gottman, John, 11–12, 194–95
grabbing toys, 292–94
Grace’s story, 230
grandparents, relying on, 286
Grant and Dean’s story, xxv
gratitude practice, 191
grieving about baby, 250
ground rules for discussions, family meetings, 213
group hug, family meetings, 214
grumpiness, 101, 108
Hand in Hand Parenting, 39, 203
happy play, 195
Hasson, Mary Rice, 194
‘hating’ a sibling, 119–21, 291
headphones for older child at bedtime, 258
healing after a fight (repairs), 123, 127, 143–46, 146, 283, 303
heartbeat of baby, sharing with child, 222–23
Helena’s story, 88
helping older child when asked, 255
Helping Young Children Flourish (Solter), 180
Hindi, 192
hitting (aggression), 35–36, 122, 124–37, 294–305, 300, 301
home birth, 232
honouring individuality, 187
How Three Babies Turned Our World Upside Down (Osborne), 147
hugs, overzealous, 252–53
hurt child, comforting, 122
identifying needs and feelings, 63, 71–75, 101
If I Have to Tell You One More Time (McCready), 196
‘I hate having a baby!,’ 119–21, 291
I Love You Rituals (Bailey), 203
‘I might as well be dead!,’ 291–92
implicit memories, 58
impulse control, xvi, 154, 155
including your child as you care for the baby, 243
Inda, Bel, 260
individuality, honouring, 60, 187
interpreter role (your), communicating feelings, 70–71, 74–75, 101
interrupting bickering and teasing, 111–16, 204
interrupting unkindness, 199
intrinsic rewards, 28
introducing your child to new baby, 241–42
inviting older child to problem-solve, 288
involvement of older child, honouring, 275
irritable child, 101, 108
Isabel’s story, 10
issues (bringing up), family meetings, 212–13
‘I’ statements, 69
It’s Mine (game), 112–13
‘It’s not fair!,’ 161–66, 172
‘It’s not fair; you never help me. I need help, too!,’ 289
It’s Okay Not to Share (Shumaker), 150
jealousy
conflict resolution, 104–5, 131
crawling, building a positive foundation, 288–92, 290, 291
games for, 204, 269, 271–73, 303
See also calm parenting
Jennifer’s story, 155, 199
Jessica’s story, 305
jostling for power, respect, status, 101, 106–8, 167
judgement, describing problem without, 82, 86, 101, 124, 288, 292–93, 303
Kari’s story, 249
Katrina’s story, 41
Kera’s story, 257
kicking (aggression), 35–36, 122, 124–37, 294–305, 300, 301
‘kill,’ 121
kindness journal, 188–89
Kirk’s story, 205
Kohn, Alfie, 26
Kramer, Laurie, 12, 185–86, 274
Kyle’s Plan, 136–37
labelling (resisting), competition, 170–72
labour (pushing), explaining, 235
Lansbury, Janet, 100
laughter
birth and the first few months, 246, 247–48, 249, 258, 269, 271–72
competition, easing, 180–81
conflict resolution, 112–16
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding, 200, 203, 205
welcoming a new baby, 226–27
See also games; calm parenting
Laura’s story, 275
leaving child to pick up baby, 244
‘legal’ skills, teaching basic, 165
lift button (pushing the), competition, 175–76
limiting visitors, 242
limits vs. consequences, 29–32
See also setting empathetic limits
Lindsay’s story, 43
listening, coaching, 63, 80–81
‘looking forward to’s,’ family meetings, 213
losing and competition, 178–79, 180–81
love
becoming a love multitasker, 270–71
choosing love, 307–8
limitless love, 164, 165–66, 183
loving each child best, 238–39
loving guidance, 20–22, 27, 32, 61, 91
postponing anything but love, 246
See also calm parenting
Lovesick Puppy (game), 204
‘love withdrawal,’ 26–27
Loving Each One Best (Samalin), 239
lucky children have each other, 187–88
making it her baby too, 222
Markham, Laura
Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stree-free Parenting, xviii, xxv–xxvi, 11, 62, 166
See also calm parenting
Mary’s story, 90
mastery, supporting, xviii
material possession based on need, 164
Maureen’s story, 252
Max (game), 179
Mazlish, Elaine, xvii, 167, 171
McCready, Amy, 196
mean words, conflict resolution, 118
Melanie’s story, 247
Melinda’s story, 188
meltdowns, scheduled, 40, 43–48, 74, 131, 137, 294
meltdowns and sharing, 157, 158
Merryman, Ashley, 66, 194
Michelle’s story, 280
middle children and competition, 182
Mind, Body and Soul time, 196
miscarriage possibility, 218
mixed emotions about baby, 249–52
mixing and matching, shifting alliances, 199
modelling behaviour
calm parenting and, 5, 6
communicating feelings and, 68, 69
conflict resolution and, 132, 146
crawling (building a positive foundation) and, 287, 304
discipline and, 21, 22, 51
problem-solving and, 81
See also calm parenting
Mollie’s story, 134
‘Mummy, I need you!’ (game), 273, 280, 303
monitoring implementation of solution, 83, 87
monitoring trouble-brewing signals, 282
mornings and physical connection with older child, 266
morning snuggles, 188
‘Motherlode’ (Dell’Antonia), 283
multiple upset children, discipline, 48–51
My Sister, My Self (Stark), 186
Nadia’s story, 271
naming the baby, 223
naptime, 207, 257–60
Natasha’s story, 286–87
Nate Gets a Baby Brother (AhaParenting.com), 236
National Institute of Mental Health, 27
‘natural’ consequences, 29, 30
nature recordings for sleep time, 206
needs of children
dividing your time and, 284
helping older child express, 287
older child’s needs still matter, 245
See also communicating feelings
negative/positive interactions ratio, 194–95
negative response from child about pregnancy, 220–21
negativity expressed towards baby, 250–51
negotiation tools, problem-solving, 89–90
Nelsen, Jane, 27, 252
new baby. See before the new baby and through the first year
newborn appearance, explaining, 236
New Yorker, 88
New York Times, 283
nighttime parenting, 225–26
No Bad Kids (Lansbury), 100
non-nursing partner, 225–26
Nora’s story, 178
nursing (breastfeeding), 224, 225, 226, 230–32, 247–49, 256
NurtureShock (Bronson and Merryman), 66, 194
nurturing each other, 190
object, problem over, 81, 130
occupying older child while you feed the baby, 247–49
older children. See before the new baby and through the first year
oldest children and competition, 182
ongoing, unresolved conflict, 101, 102–3
opposite-sex siblings, 60
Osborne, John Cave, 147
overfocusing on baby, avoiding, 228
overzealous hugs, 252–53
ownership and sharing, 147–48
‘owning’ an interest, competition, 173–74
oxytocin, 195–96, 200, 231, 277
packing for the hospital, 230
parallel caretaking activity when feeding baby, 248
parental intervention, conflict resolution, 97–100, 121–24, 130–31, 138–43
parent-child relationships, importance of, 1–2, 4, 6, 16
parenting. See calm parenting
Parenting from the Inside Out (Siegel), 7
passing child’s items to baby, 224
Paul, Sheryl, 238
peace, teaching, 63
See also calm parenting; communicating feelings; competition, easing; conflict resolution; problem-solving; sharing; tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding
perfect parents caution, 307
performances, kids going to each other’s, 173
permissive parenting, 17, 22
personal space and sharing a room, 206
perspective of child and sharing news, 220
pheromones, using, 241
photos, 190, 244–45
phrasing things caution, 261
physical bonding time, 276–77
physical conduit for children’s association with baby, 222
Piaget, Jean, 95
Pick On Someone Your Own Size (game), 113
pitting children against each other, 177, 197
playdates, 208–10
play fighting (rough and tumble), 38–39, 45, 110, 113, 115, 117, 130–31, 137, 197, 199–204, 247, 249, 253
playfully diverting bickering, 111–16, 204
Playful Parenting (Cohen), 111, 112, 181, 203
playing, 195
See also games; laughter
playing with baby in womb, 223
pointing out that there is a problem, 81
positive discipline movement, 27
positive effects on other child, praising, 281
positive interactions between children, creating, 194–96
positive parenting movement, 27
possessions, fighting over. See sharing
postponing anything but love, 246
power games, 203–4
power of parents, sibling rivalry, 60–62
power of ritual to stay connected, 270
power struggles, 101, 106–8
praise, being thoughtful about, 174–75
preference for one child, competition, 183–84
prefrontal cortex, xxi, 22, 128–29, 286
pregnancy, bonding during, 221–24
See also welcoming a new baby
preventive maintenance, discipline, 36–40, 135–37, 166, 282, 285, 286
prioritizing family, 261
private property and sharing, 147
problem-solving, 63, 81–92
blaming vs. problem-solving, 88–89
competition, easing, 176
conflict resolution and, 101–2, 123–24, 133
crawling, building a positive foundation, 286–88, 303
modelling behaviour, 81
negotiation tools, 89–90
sequence for, 81–87, 86, 87
tattling, 19, 90–92, 167
win/win solutions, xix–xx, 25, 63, 66, 69, 81, 83, 87, 115–16
See also communicating feelings; conflict resolution; calm, teaching
projects, children in charge of, 198
prosocial behaviour, 67, 69, 208
protecting older child’s things from the baby, 280
protecting older/younger children, 133
punishment vs. discipline, 5–6, 16, 17–20, 25, 26, 27, 30–31, 124–28, 295, 300
pushing (labour), explaining, 235
pushing the lift button, competition, 175–76
quiet activities rule in bedroom, 206
quiet moments to connect, seizing, 284–85
quiet time for baby to play, 284
rage, 125
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Gottman), 11
Raksha Bandhan (Hindu holiday), 192
reading books with child, 219–20, 235, 248, 274–75
receptive vs. expressive language, 236, 303
recognizing pregnancy is stressful to child, 227
reconnecting with each child every hour, 266
redirecting child, 123, 275–76
regression, birth and the first few months, 254–56, 256
regulating own emotions, calm parenting, xviii, xxiii, xxv, xxvi, 3–4, 6, 7–11, 10, 13, 26, 28, 51, 98, 307
‘relationship bank account,’ 194
reliance on both parents, ensuring, 224–27
remembering older child is still little, 245
reminding yourself regression is normal and temporary, 254–55
repairs (healing after a fight), 123, 127, 143–46, 146, 283, 303
repeated aggression, stopping, 134–37
replacement, sibling as, 53–54
repressed emotions, 12, 13, 249–50
resentment (built-up), conflict resolution, 101, 102–3
resisting labelling, competition, 170–72
resisting non-nursing partner by child, 226–27
responsibility, giving to older child, 276
restating objections, compromises, and solutions (problem-solving), 82–83, 87, 102, 123, 124
retaliation, 130
returning yourself to calm parenting, 7–11
rewards, rethinking, 28–29
Rhona’s story, 265
ritual (power of) to stay connected, 270
rivalry. See sibling rivalry
role of child in family, 228–29
room, sharing, 205–8
rough and tumble (play fighting), 38–39, 45, 110, 113, 115, 117, 130–31, 137, 197, 199–204, 247, 249, 253
routines for preventive maintenance, 37–38, 188–92
rules (negotiation tool), 90, 102, 180
rules that support closeness, 192–94
safe, helping kids feel, 122
safety, creating, 44, 45, 46, 126
safety for rough and tumble, 200, 202
Samalin, Nancy, 239
same-sex siblings, 60
Sarah’s story, 56–57, 221
scenarios (adjustment), birth and the first few months, 262–65
scheduled meltdowns, 40, 43–48, 74, 131, 137, 294
schedule of older child, keeping to, 245
scheduling family meetings, 211
Sears, William, 168–69
Seasyn’s story, 48
Seattle Love Lab, 194
self-calming techniques, 122
self-centredness, xvi
self-control, 13, 32
self-esteem, 5, 42
self-regulated turns, sharing, 150–54, 159
self-regulation, calm parenting, xviii, xxiii, xxv, xxvi, 3–4, 6, 7–11, 10, 13, 26, 28, 51, 98, 307
self-soothing, 12–13
sensory bags and bins, 237
separate bedtimes, 207
separating kids in a fight, 121–22
separation, connecting with child after every, 267
separation, preparing child for, 232–34, 236, 241
sequence for problem-solving, 81–87, 86, 87
setting empathetic limits
calm parenting, xviii, 5, 13
communicating feelings, 75–79, 101
conflict resolution, 101, 109, 114, 120, 133, 135
crawling, building a positive foundation, 304
discipline, calm, 18, 23–25, 28, 45
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding, 200
See also empathy/empathizing; calm parenting
sharing, 147–60
Family Agreement on Property Rights and Sharing, 158
limelight, 244–45
rethinking sharing, 149–52, 282, 294
room, 205–8
self-regulated turns, 150–54, 159
waiting for turn, 73, 155–60, 159, 160
See also calm, teaching
shifting alliances, 198–99
Shumaker, Heather, 150–51
sibling birth classes, 224
‘sibling book’ (transition book), 187, 234, 236
sibling relationships, xv–xvii, xix–xx
See also calm parenting
sibling rivalry, 52–62
calm parenting and, xix, xvi, xvii, xxi, 2, 4
child spacing impact on, 56–59, 60, 61
communicating feelings and, 71
conflict resolution and, 98–99, 101, 134
discipline (calm) and, 26–27, 37
factors that can exacerbate rivalry, 54–60
gender impact on, 60, 61
power of parents, 60–62
replacement, sibling as, 53–54
temperament impact on, xvi, xxi, 54–56, 58, 61, 101, 103–4, 181
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding and, 185–86
welcoming a new baby and, 239
See also calm parenting
Siblings Without Rivalry (Faber and Mazlish), xvii, 167, 171
Siegel, Daniel, 7, 58
sitting on the floor with your baby, 266–67
snack for older child when feeding baby, 248
snuggles, morning, 188
social skills, learning, 65–67
See also communicating feelings
Solter, Aletha, 180, 203
solutions (creating), problem-solving, 82–83, 86, 124, 176, 288, 303
Sorry! (game), 179
spacing children impact on sibling rivalry, 56–59, 60, 61
spankings, 27
Special Time, 36, 39–40, 46, 131, 166, 199, 207, 210, 251, 259, 285, 286
‘special time’ between children, 196
Stark, Vikki, 186
star of the show, older child as, 244
storytelling about birth, 236
storytelling about when child was a baby, 223, 251
strangers admiring baby, 251
strengths of children, competition, 170, 171
strict (authoritarian) child-raising, 5, 17
support for calm parenting, xxiv, 307
survival instinct, 53, 105, 148, 161, 162, 165, 247
sweetening the deal (negotiation tool), 89, 166, 256
Tahri’s story, 128
‘Take Five’ breathing practice, 8
taking care of yourself, 278, 307
taking sides, conflict resolution, 98–99, 123, 190–91, 282–83
taking turns, sharing, 150–60, 159, 160
taking turns and sweetening the deal (negotiation tool), 89, 166
talking about feelings, 67, 276
‘talking stick,’ 213
talking to baby about sibling, 223, 243–44
tandem nursing vs. weaning, 230–32, 261
tantrums, 33, 34, 240
Tara’s story, 230–31
teaching calm. See calm, teaching
teamwork (negotiation tool), 90
teamwork strategies, 178–79, 189–90, 196–98
teasing, conflict resolution, 114, 115, 116–17, 167, 204
telling child about new sibling, 218–21
telling stories. See storytelling
tellingtales, problem-solving, 19, 90–92, 167
temperament impact on sibling rivalry, xvi, xxi, 54–56, 58, 61, 101, 103–4, 181
temporary conflict of needs, 101, 102
thinking through introduction of new baby, 241
thoughtful about praise (being), competition, 174–75
tickling, 205
time, dividing your, 283–86
time-in, discipline, 40, 41–43
time-outs, discipline, 25–28, 30, 31, 41, 125, 126
timer for alone time with each child, 268
toddler aggression, 128–31
toddlerhood. See crawling, building a positive foundation
toddler naptime, 259–60
togetherness, not forcing, 282
tools to prevent rivalry and nurture bonding, 185–214
empathy/empathizing, 201
expecting children to value each other, 185–88
family, 186–87, 188–92
family meetings, 191, 210–14
family mottos, 193–94, 214
friends vs. siblings, 208–10
games for, 203–4, 305
laughter for, 200, 203, 205
positive interactions between children, creating, 194–96
rough and tumble (play fighting), 38–39, 45, 110, 113, 115, 117, 130–31, 137, 197, 199–204, 247, 249, 253
routines for, 188–92
rules that support closeness, 192–94
setting emphatic limits, 200
sharing a room, 205–8
shifting alliances, 198–99
sibling rivalry and, 185–86
Special Time, 36, 39–40, 46, 131, 166, 199, 207, 210, 251, 259, 285, 286
teamwork strategies, 178–79, 189–90, 196–98
tickling, 205
See also calm, teaching
toy cupboard in bedroom, 206
toy grabbing, 292–94
toys as extensions of sense of self, 147–48
trading (negotiation tool), 89, 293, 304
trading off time with each child by partners, 269
traditions for fostering bonding, 191–92
transition book, 187, 234, 236
Tricia’s story, 81
‘triggered’ emotions, 12
troublesome times of day, restructuring them, 282
trust and sibling rivalry, 62
turns (self-regulated), sharing, 150–54, 159
turn (waiting for), sharing, 155–60, 159, 160
unconditional love, 184
unevenly matched children, 180
uniqueness of child, 172, 228
unkindness, directly interrupting, 199
unwittingly fostering competition, 177
Valerie’s story, 25
values, explicitly teaching, 186–87
valuing each other, expecting children to, 185–88
Ventriloquy (game), 260, 261, 305
Victoria’s story, 217
videos of birthing, watching together, 235
visitors, limiting, 242
waiting for turn, sharing, 73, 155–60, 159, 160
waking sibling, sharing a room, 207–8
waking the baby, 258–59
wanting more connection, 101, 110–11, 129
wants of child, focusing on, 163–64
We Always Come Back to Each Other (game), 272–73
weaning vs. tandem nursing, 230–32, 261
wearing your baby, keeping hands free, 267
‘We Get Along’ shirts, 93–95
welcoming a new baby, 49, 217–39
activity box for child, 237, 248
birthing, child at, 234–36
co-parenting, 224–27, 246, 261, 269
games for, 226–27
laughter for, 226–27
welcoming a new baby (cont.)
loving each child best, 238–39
nursing (breastfeeding), 224, 225, 226, 230–32, 247–49, 256
pregnancy, bonding during, 221–24
separation, preparing child for, 232–34, 236, 241
sibling rivalry and, 239
telling child about new sibling, 218–21
tips for, 227–30
transition book, 187, 234, 236
weaning vs. tandem nursing, 230–32, 261
what to say, 219–21
working through your emotions about having another child, 238
See also before the new baby and through the first year
welcoming your child to stay close, 248
well-behaved child, not shortchanging, 286
What About Me?! (game), 113
what to say, welcoming a new baby, 219–21
white noise for sleep time, 206
Who gets to push the lift button?, 175–76
winding down, 202
winning and competition, 179, 180–81
win/win solutions, xix–xx, 25, 63, 66, 69, 81, 83, 87, 115–16
Wipfler, Patty, 39, 203
wondering aloud about baby’s feelings, 221–22
working it out for themselves, conflict resolution, 97–116
working through your emotions about having another child, 238
worries of child about baby, 229
Would You Two Please Fight? (game), 113
writing agreements (negotiation tool), 82, 90, 165, 176
yelling, stopping, 10–11
You Can’t Get to Mummy (game), 226–27
younger siblings aggression, 132–34
youngest children and competition, 182
yourself, taking care of, 278, 307
Your Self-Confident Baby (Gerber), 284
Zahn-Wexler, Carolyn, 27