Jack did not think about the future. In the past the future had been all he had thought about. He had dreamed of an independent Ireland and a life with Kitty. He had fought hard for both, but had won only a republic; Kitty had eluded him. He realized now that his youth had been wasted in dissatisfaction with the present. He had barely lived it, so busy was he thinking about what was to come and trying to manipulate it to his will. However, it is a fool who thinks he can control the future, and Jack was no fool. His life was much too complicated to hope for a resolution with Kitty. His dream of their living together in a cottage overlooking the Celtic Sea was never going to materialize now. All he could do was love her and accept the limited amount of time he was able to be with her. He had her heart; he knew he must be grateful for that.
Jack loved Emer too, and he adored his children. His family life gave him great joy and he was determined not to jeopardize it, but he couldn’t resist Kitty. He had tried. He had really tried, and in America and Argentina distance had made it possible, but now he was back in Ballinakelly he just couldn’t do it. He had thought his fury at her for not running away with him to America would have dampened his ardor. He had thought that he and Emer would be strong enough to withstand the appeal of an old love. He had thought he had changed. But he was wrong.
The moment he had stepped onto Irish soil he had sensed Kitty’s presence, as if her perfume lingered in the very air he breathed. It had assaulted him, and he had felt light-headed with the sudden onslaught of memories. His heart had contracted with longing, and he had become once again the man who had stood staring out of the window of his cottage, willing himself not to turn around as Kitty left the house, mounted her horse and cantered away. He had become the rejected lover he had been when he had boarded the boat and sailed off to a new life across the Atlantic, a life he had dreamed of living with Kitty. It had all come flooding back then, on disembarking in Ireland, and although he had a wife and children, Kitty’s shadow had wrapped itself around him like an invisible cloak and however hard he tried he could not shake her off.
Then he had seen her through the window of the milliner’s and he realized that he had been looking out for her from the moment he had arrived in Ballinakelly, glancing anxiously down every street, into every window, half craving, half dreading seeing her again. But there she was behind the glass, and the sight of her had rendered him powerless. Her face had been pale, her cheekbones more pronounced, her eyes darker, and on locking into his they had darkened further. He had tried to rouse his fury, to tell himself that she had hurt him, that she didn’t deserve so much as a smile, and he had turned away. But how he had longed to march into that shop and shout at her for her broken promises and her callousness, then take her beautiful face in his hands and kiss her.
Later he had made love to his wife with a passion they hadn’t enjoyed since the early days of their marriage. Emer had laughed at his unexpected ardor, but he had known that it was Kitty who had aroused him. As he had tried to throw off her image it had remained between them so that he had had to open his eyes and gaze into Emer’s face, fearful that if he closed them again he would see Kitty.
Anger was the only way he could deal with the conflict of emotions that played tug of war in his heart. If he stayed angry surely he’d be able to repel her. He remembered her as she had been that morning, sitting across the table from him, confessing that she was pregnant with Robert’s child and that she couldn’t go with him to America. He had concentrated on that. Not on the flame-haired girl with the impulsive nature and mischievous smile who he had loved from the moment he became a man.
What had changed everything was Kitty’s remorse. She hadn’t had to explain herself; he had seen it in her eyes. Those gray eyes that he knew even better than his own. Her emotions had been laid bare as if she was saying, Take my remorse and my sorrow and my regret. Take it all and do with it what you will, but I will never stop loving you, ever. Because I can’t.
He had seen her on her horse, on the crest of a distant hill, and he had heard her silent call as if it was carried on the wind. And resist her he couldn’t; because he was unable to stop loving her either.
Now their notes to each other were left not behind a stone in the vegetable-garden wall at the castle but up at the Fairy Ring, beneath a stone hidden in a shrub. Neither of them dreamed of “what ifs,” for those days were gone. They accepted what they had, which was very little: kisses stolen in the cave on Smuggler’s Bay, embraces on the hillside concealed among the long grasses and gorse, snatched glances across the street in town. There was too much at stake to risk getting caught; too many people to hurt. And as impossible as loving two women seemed, Jack loved Emer, and hurt her he wouldn’t.
To Kitty the fact that Jack was hers again changed everything about the world. If only the war would end and JP could come home then all would be well again. But the war didn’t look like it was going to end anytime soon. It seemed that the Germans had stepped up their air raids on British cities, and Kitty feared for JP in his Spitfire.
JP hadn’t been home since before war broke out, which was now more than two years ago. The odd week’s leave had been too short to spend in Ireland, so he had stayed in Harry’s house in London, meeting up with Boysie and Celia. The three of them had plotted their return to Ballinakelly as soon as the war was over, and Kitty was heartened at the thought of being all together again, even though they would miss Harry dreadfully.
IN THE SUMMER of 1942 Ethelred Hunt died, leaving Laurel alone without even her sister to comfort her. The shock aged her a decade in a day. She wasn’t sure where she was or what her name was, and Kitty, taking pity on her great-aunt, rashly suggested she move in with them until she felt stronger. Robert was appalled when Kitty told him but didn’t want to appear mean-spirited so agreed at once. Their daughter, Florence, on the other hand, who was now nearly sixteen, was delighted because she wanted to be a nurse and her parents had not allowed her to offer her services in England, where women like her were in great demand. She’d have her patient at last, even though Laurel would turn out to be a very cantankerous one.
IT WAS ON a balmy July afternoon that the Biggin Wing had been detailed to fly to Northern France to escort the bombers home. As JP took off it occurred to him that he and Stanley had been in the squadron the longest of any of the men. It seemed like decades ago that he had gone for his interview at Adastral House in London. A lifetime ago that he had sat in a cockpit for the first time. He felt older than his years with the experience of a veteran. He barely recognized the boy he had once been. He thought of Jimmy then and the other men who had been killed in this senseless war, and for a moment he was filled with trepidation. JP never thought about his own mortality because there was no point. Fear was not something he allowed himself to give in to. Fear bred rashness, which in turn bred fatal mistakes. But somehow this afternoon as the ground fell away beneath him, he thought about death.
Over France, just behind Lille, the skies darkened with Me 109s, and it suddenly occurred to JP that this could be it. The thoughts of death had been a premonition, for sure. His time was up. He gazed at the enemy in dismay. There just seemed to be too many of them. He felt once again like a bee that has flown into a swarm of hornets and realizes it won’t make it out. It is simply impossible on account of the sheer quantity of hornets. JP thought of the white cliffs, and his heart was seized with longing. He wondered whether he’d seen them for the last time. The R/T went quiet as the squadron concentrated on the battle. They were too busy for chatter; too busy fighting for their lives.
Out of all the battles JP had fought, this was without doubt the most perilous. Unable to focus on a target all he could do was avoid being one himself. He flew his plane harder than he had ever done, aware that it was gobbling up fuel and anxious that he might not have enough to get back home. Indeed, he was very far from home. He looked around for his number two, or any other friendly fighter, but saw nothing, just the enemy on all sides. It appeared as if he was alone against the entire Luftwaffe. Less than ten minutes into the battle he began to ache all over. His muscles were burning, and sweat was pouring down his face and blurring his vision. He noticed he had two yellow-nosed 109s on his tail and weaved frantically in an attempt to throw them off. They were persistent, however, and for all his twisting and turning he couldn’t lose them. He was a target now, he thought with a sinking feeling, a dead man flying. “I’ll be joining you soon, Jimmy,” he said out loud, and a serenity fell upon him like snow. “I’ll be joining you too, Harry. Just make sure you’re there at my arrival, because I won’t know where to go.” Then he thought of Kitty, Robert, and his father, his niece Florence and little Alana, who thought she loved him. He couldn’t allow them to suffer. He just couldn’t. Martha’s tormented face surfaced in his fevered mind, and his hand clenched on the joystick.
In one final, audacious move he turned, allowing the nose to drop. If he was going to go he’d sure as hell take those bloody Huns with him, he thought grimly. The plane juddered as he nearly stalled, but he managed to hold it together, just. He was facing the enemy now. He opened the throttle and went for them at six hundred miles per hour, firing madly. He knew he had taken them by surprise and grinned. Who would break first, he or they? Which of them had the balls to hold their course—or the madness? If they stuck it out there’d be one hell of an explosion.
But there was no explosion. No death. Just the intoxicating sense of relief as the Germans broke.
Glancing quickly at his instruments JP pulled back firmly on the stick and flew higher into the sky in a rollover, hoping there wouldn’t be anyone up there waiting for him. Keeping his eyes on the horizon he came out of his roll. No one was on his tail now. He was alone in the wide-open sky. Relief gave way to delayed fear, and he began to shake all over. He headed for those white cliffs, which he could just make out gleaming at him through the evening mist.
JP arrived back at Biggin Hill, the fuel all but used up. He felt tired. Very tired. But this was a different sort of tiredness to the kind he was used to. It seemed very deep, right in the pith of his marrow. He was surprised and a little bewildered. After all, he’d fought many battles over the past couple of years and escaped death dozens of times. Why the nerves now? Why the trembling? Why the exhaustion? Why now?
That evening JP realized that he wasn’t the only one to have noticed his tiredness. His Flight Commander informed him that he had done his time in battle and was to be sent to a new location to instruct. It was over.
“You’re off ops,” he told him. “We’ll all be sorry to see you go, but you’ve done bloody well.” JP was rendered speechless. He’d thought he’d be fighting until the end of the war. He’d never anticipated this. “You’ve come to the end of the line, Deverill. It’s time for you to move on,” his Flight Commander continued, noticing JP’s disappointment. “You’ve served, and by God you’ve served us well.” His praise did not compensate for JP’s aching sense of loss. This had been his life for the past two years. He had grown close to the men in his squadron and somewhat addicted to the adrenaline of battle. The thought of leaving hit him so hard he thought he was going to vomit. “Come on now, JP. Snap out of it, laddie. The bar is open. How about we go and down a large glass of Scotch?”
In dispersal JP hung up his parachute in his locker for the last time. He was no longer a member of 92 Squadron. It was over. He was being posted somewhere else. Would he ever experience again the exhilaration of being in the front line in his Spitfire? Would he ever know the camaraderie of being in a group of men who set off to fight together day after day? Their fear unspoken, their grief unexpressed, but all tacitly understood because they shared it, every bit of it. This had become his life. He didn’t know how to live otherwise. He was twenty years old, and he was already washed up. He swallowed his desolation and went in search of that Scotch.
Kitty was astonished when she received a letter from JP informing her that he had been posted to 65 Squadron as a flight commander. Her relief was immense. He would be out of the fray, out of danger, and she thanked God for what she truly believed to be His intervention. JP didn’t tell her how hard it was to adjust to life at his operational training unit at Aston Down, flying Hurricanes; he told Alana instead. Alana wrote back that she and Piglet were very happy that he was in a safe place but she still prayed for him, as she would do until the war was over.
JP missed the men at Biggin Hill and the routine that had been his life for two years. But he met a pretty barmaid called Gloria whose voluptuous body and brassy laugh did much to comfort him in the little inn where they routinely made love and talked about everything other than the war. When he was with Gloria he didn’t think about Martha. Slowly Gloria began to unwind the yards of stress that had wound themselves around him and he started to find pleasure in his new life.
In February of 1944 JP was summoned to attend an investiture at Buckingham Palace. Kitty, Robert and Bertie came over from Ireland to witness the King honoring him with an enormous medal—Florence had had to remain at home to look after Laurel. They gathered in the grand crimson room at the palace with JP’s old friends from Biggin Hill in their best blue uniforms. The military orchestra played, and the King was softly spoken and sincere as he thanked JP for his duty and courage and pinned the medal to his chest. Kitty dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief as JP became Flight Lieutenant Jack Patrick Deverill, DFC.
When JP arrived back at the Mess he was surprised and delighted to see Stanley Bradshaw, greeting him with a “Hello, JP, what a sight for sore eyes you are!” The two men embraced and Jimmy Robinson’s name resonated silently between them.
KITTY HAD BEEN so preoccupied with her affair with Jack that she had barely spared a thought for Bridie Doyle and the castle. She had long given up on it ever being restored to her family, and it surprised her that she could live only a few miles from it and yet never bump into its inhabitants. Bridie and she had not crossed paths in all the five years that Bridie had lived there. Kitty heard stories from her maid, who knew the maids working for the Countess and was only too ready to pass them on to Kitty: The Count shouted at the Countess; Leopoldo was a terror; Mr. and Mrs. Doyle (Sean and Rosetta) were at the end of their tether with the Count, whom they despised because of the way he treated his wife, and it seemed to be no secret that he had bedded many of the less virtuous girls in Ballinakelly and beyond—indeed, Kitty’s maid took great relish in telling how he was even infamous in Cork! Kitty wondered whether Bridie knew, and she would have felt sorry for her had she had time to dwell on the gossip. She didn’t. She was much more concerned with thinking about JP, looking after Laurel and concealing her trysts with Jack from Robert.
So she was taken by surprise when, returning from town across the fields one early autumn evening, she bumped into Bridie. There was no way of avoiding her without being rude, and Kitty did not want to be rude, so she lifted her chin and continued walking until they came together on the bridge that straddled the stream where once, as children, they had searched for frogs in the undergrowth with Celia and Jack.
“Hello,” said Bridie.
“Hello, Bridie,” Kitty replied. They looked at each other steadily. Bridie’s eyes were very black, and her guarded expression showed no sign of yielding. Kitty searched for her old friend behind the frostiness but found nothing but resentment. JP would always be an obstacle to their reconciliation, Martha, if Bridie ever found out, the death of it. But Kitty was determined that Bridie would never know that the twin she believed had died lived. “How are you?” she asked, hoping to get the pleasantries over with so she could be on her way and put an end to this awkward meeting. She had successfully managed to avoid Bridie for five years; she would make sure she avoided her for the following five.
“Well,” Bridie replied tightly. “I trust you are well in the White House?”
Kitty was affronted at the implication. Did Bridie expect Kitty to be grateful to her for agreeing to the peppercorn rent that Celia had arranged with the Count? “As you know, it has been my home for many years now. We are very happy there.” She didn’t want Bridie to think that she was still hankering after the castle. It was woeful indeed that Bridie had the power to evict them at any moment.
“How is my son?” Bridie asked suddenly, and the blackness in her eyes seemed to soften slightly with craving.
Kitty’s heart caved in then, for she could only imagine Bridie’s agony. In spite of everything that had happened, JP was still Bridie’s son, and it was only natural that she should ask after him. “He is a fighter pilot, Bridie,” she said softly, watching Bridie’s face light up.
“He’s flying planes?” she asked.
“Spitfires,” said Kitty. “The King gave him a medal at Buckingham Palace.”
Bridie put her hand on her heart, and her severe expression collapsed into a tender smile. “A medal? God be praised.”
“He’s a flight lieutenant with letters after his name,” Kitty continued proudly. Bridie was too moved to speak, so Kitty went on. “He’s not fighting now. He’s training men to fight. It’s an important job and a safer one, I’m glad to say.” Bridie pursed her lips and nodded, and Kitty noticed the tears welling in her eyes. “How is Leopoldo?” she asked, changing the subject, which was much too thorny to take any further.
“He’s the light of my life. I’ve been blessed,” said Bridie, recovering slightly.
“Well, I’m glad we have finally met and that, even if we can’t be friends, we can at least be cordial,” said Kitty, edging past her. “I will detain you no longer.”
Bridie looked disappointed, but Kitty couldn’t imagine what more she had to say to her. However, Bridie hunched her shoulders and took a breath and Kitty dreaded the words she was about to deliver. “If you hear any news, you know, about JP, you will let me know, won’t you? I can count on you to show me kindness.”
“Of course,” said Kitty quickly.
“I know I can’t ever be a mother to him, but he’s still my blood. I have a right to know how he is.”
“Yes, you do,” Kitty agreed. Bridie held her gaze, as if she was determined to keep her there, but Kitty tore it away and marched through the field as fast as she could go. If JP ever found out the truth, would he forgive her? She couldn’t bear to think about it. He simply couldn’t know, not ever. Kitty would do everything in her power to prevent it.