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THE PROBLEM WITH GOING to a gay bar like Thumper’s for a celebration was getting there ridiculously early to find a table big enough for their entire group. Even if lucky enough to find a spot, they were so spread out that they broke into small groups seated close enough to be heard over the music and the bar’s general din.
Ryan was at one end of the long table with Ben, Steven, and John, and near enough, sort of, to hear Jamie and Marcus. Lisa, Shane, Bash, and the others might as well be in another universe, visible but unheard over Roberta Flack singing “Killing Me Softly With His Song” on speakers in every corner.
“Any news on the apartment?’ John leaned around Steven to ask.
“Still set to close on the seventeenth.” Ben beamed.
Steven’s smile was a bright companion to Ben’s. “Two weeks! I feel like you just made the offer. Time is getting away from me. But our closing didn’t go smoothly. Almost two months before the sellers made good on all their fixes.”
“Between Ryan’s mom being a real estate agent and a guy I know from Chorus, we got lucky.”
“Who got lucky, sweet Ben?” A different server than the one who took their orders set a drink in front of Ben before distributing the rest. Strikingly handsome and likely Korean, though Ryan couldn’t say for sure. Mouth full and wide, skin a ruddy pale bronze, dark hair slicked back. The geometry of his cheekbones and thick brows drew attention to his golden brown eyes, sparkling as he gazed at Ben.
“Ryan and I are buying our apartment.” Ben stretched his arm around Ryan’s shoulders.
The waiter smiled shyly at Ryan, his cheeks pink. “Oh, isn’t it nice to finally put a name with a face.”
“I’m not sure I can say the same.”
The waiter’s smile fell into puzzled unhappiness.
“Sorry, I meant I don’t know your name.” Ryan put out his hand, smiling. The waiter’s face brightened but remained wary for a second before he fixed a professional smile on.
“My fault,” Ben said. “This is Kai. Kai, Ryan.”
Ryan blinked. Oh, of course. The Men’s Chorus often came here after Monday rehearsals. Yet Ryan felt a bit disquieted, because given the way Ben gaped at Kai, he should have mentioned it. As far as Ryan knew, Ben had never neglected to tell about anyone he fucked when Ryan wasn’t around, so it was unlikely Kai was a past hook up. Usually Ben gushed about crushes he didn’t fuck, but not this one.
Ryan flexed his fingers, aching to sketch how Ben beamed at Kai, to capture that complicated mix of innocence and longing that Ben projected, unaware.
Ben was finishing introductions around their booth. “And Steven, John, Marcus, Jamie, and...everyone else.” At the far end of the table, no one paid attention, each in their own conversations.
“Oh, I know Marcus!” Kai winked at him before dropping drinks around the rest of the table.
“Now I know why you picked this place,” Jamie said to Marcus, loud enough for everyone to hear. “He’s cute.”
Did Ben blush a bit? Or was it the reflection of the neon beer signs above the bar?
“Where else you gonna see these mesh-shirted twinks flirting with fine men in tuxedos? I know why you don’t like it.” Marcus acknowledged to Jamie. “But you gotta admit, it makes for theater as good as what you see on stage here. Plus, it’s nice to have a place to get a drink and talk. Not everywhere needs throbbing disco so loud it vibrates your chest. And this party is for talking to each other.”
“Speaking of.” Jamie tapped a spoon on his water glass. Marcus straightened up. Everyone else hushed.
Marcus raised his voice to be heard at each end of the table. “I didn’t intend this to be a dramatic announcement. But I have news I want to share, and I wanted to tell you all at once.”
“Oh, my god. Did you meet someone?” Steven’s eyes were round and tender with hope, his mouth slightly open. He shut it when Ryan nudged him.
The corners of Marcus’s mouth turned down.
“Sorry,” Steven said. “Tell the news!”
Marcus took a steadying breath, betraying his nerves. “I’ve accepted a job with QYRA as the youth coordinator. Which is a fancy way of saying mentor.”
Everyone down the length of the table murmured surprise and congratulations, stretching to pat Marcus or shake his hand.
Steven paled, stunned. “Full time?”
Marcus nodded.
“What about the store? Are you selling?”
“I haven’t decided yet. For now I’m going to hire someone to manage it for me. Know anyone smart?”
Steven laughed. “I’m trying to hire everyone smart for myself.” Under the table, his knee hit Ryan’s. Steven’s face tightened again, eyes sad. “But it’s the end of an era.”
“It is,” Marcus agreed. “It wasn’t an easy decision to make but I hope it’s the right one.”
Lisa said something Ryan couldn’t hear, and Marcus turned to that end of the table.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” Steven’s knee hit Ryan’s again, this time with obvious purpose.
“I’ll join you.”
Ben squeezed Ryan’s shoulder before letting Ryan up. Ryan followed Steven across the bar.
“What’s up?” Ryan hoped for news about the possibility of a job for Ben, but Steven didn’t say anything until the bathroom door closed behind them.
“I was so excited I almost slipped and said something at the table when Marcus asked if I knew anyone to hire. I was going to wait to call you, but I can’t.”
“What?”
“John and I have talked extensively about finding a place for Ben at Paquet. I didn’t want to say anything until I put together a perfect offer. But I have a meeting next week with somebody in a similar position at Microsoft. Just to make sure I understand the details of what I’m asking.” Steven bounced on his toes.
Relief settled in Ryan’s bones as the last piece clicked into place. The apartment offer. The Exposed! Show. Everything else good took a brighter shine, knowing he’d help improve Ben’s life, too. Set the two of them up for a future where they had time for each other, with fulfilling work ahead for both of them.
“You’re calling people at other companies? Do you need to—I mean, it’s not too much of a favor?”
“Nothing is too much for you. But this is pretty normal. More important than usual, since Ben’s job now is finding the right executive for a position. I don’t want to offer him one when I don’t have all the details hammered down. He’d see right through a half-assed offer.”
“Great! How will you make the offer? Do you need me to do anything?”
“It’ll take a couple weeks to put all the details together, but I’ll let you know. Maybe we can have a celebration for your closing? Just a couple people, and I can offer then?” Steven kissed Ryan’s cheek.
“Shane and Bash, maybe? I wouldn’t ask anyone else.”
Steven settled and nodded seriously. “No, it would be too much otherwise.”
“I can’t believe this is real.” Head spinning with all that could go wrong, Ryan remained certain this was the right path. “Maybe I should talk to Shane? To feel out how he thinks Ben might take it? I’m sure Ben will want it, but I don’t want to be blinded by how much I want it.”
“That’s a good idea, but Ben can decline if he doesn’t want it. It’s not the end of the world. Although, now that I’ve figured out what I need, it would suck to have to search for someone else. I really do need his skills! And I do have to pee. Sorry.”
“Thank for this, it’s incredible. I’ll see you out there.”
On his way across the bar, Ryan attempted to school his relieved grin into something more neutral. But Kai smiled back so brightly when Ryan passed him that the smile stuck as Ryan slipped back in next to Ben. At the table, everyone was talking animatedly.
“How’s it going?” Warm with his secret surprise, Ryan kissed Ben’s neck and licked a little, teasing.
“It’s better now. What’s got you so smiley?”
“Just glad to be here with everyone.”
Ryan tuned back in to what was going on around the table.
“Marcus and I haven’t fucked, so I don’t have anything to hold over him.” Jamie’s teeth flashed, but it wasn’t a smile.
“What now?” Steven sat back down glancing between Marcus and Jamie.
Marcus said, “Whoa, you kids, this social group already been too incestuous too long. Don’t hold out hopes, Jamie.”
Jamie laughed. “Nah. My luck in romance has never been much better than Ryan’s. I need you too much at work to mess it up.”
“What do you mean, ‘my luck in romance’?” Ryan rested his arm on the back of booth behind Ben’s head, his hand on Ben’s shoulder. “Are you picking on me because you’ve been failing with the guys?”
Jamie rolled his eyes. “I do fine, but you know how you are...”
“No, how am I? Please tell me.”
Jamie, theatrically contemplative, finished his drink, drawing out the attention on him. “If we’re being honest, you let your insecurity get in the way of your own happiness, because you let it keep you from asking for the things you need for your own emotional fulfillment.”
“Oh no.” Steven leaned back like he didn’t want to be caught in the crossfire.
Jamie’s amateur psychological faux-insight didn’t bother Ryan. “Is that the buzzword from this week’s self-help book? ‘Emotional fulfillment’?”
“You always did have an inability to hear the truth about yourself.”
“Didn’t we just do our annual rehash of why we broke up?”
Jamie finished his drink, eyes locked on Ryan. “Isn’t it Ben’s turn now? Ben, tell us how Ryan really is.” Jamie waved his empty glass at Kai as he passed.
Under the table, Ben squeezed Ryan’s knee.
“The most important thing about Ryan is...” Ben paused; Jamie leaned forward “...is that he hates being put on the spot.”
“Thank you,” Ryan whispered in Ben’s ear.
“You’re no fun.” Jamie pouted.
“Everyone has a different definition of fun,” Kai said as he set down Jamie’s drink. “Anyone else need anything?”
Ben watched Kai. Ryan held up his glass.
“Water for me,” Ben said. “Early day tomorrow.”
“Always just one drink with you,” Kai said. “Maybe you are no fun.”
“Maybe you haven’t had a chance to experience how much fun he can be.” Ryan grinned, dangerously close to a leer.
“Maybe,” Kai said before ducking away. That glow definitely was not the neon lights reflecting on his face.
“What was that about?” Ben murmured in Ryan’s ear.
“Just trying to be a good wingman.” Ryan kissed Ben’s cheek. “Want to make sure you get everything you need to be happy.”
◊
A group of industrial artists shared an old warehouse in the no man’s land between Fremont and Ballard. The second Tuesday night of each month, they had a combination art show and demonstration. Glass blowing and kiln work, pottery, metal forging, and elaborate wood and metal work. Ryan hadn’t heard of the place, Shane suggested it when Ryan said he wanted to get together.
It was a great event, nothing like Eli’s gallery opening, though Ryan thought he saw some of the same people mixed in with what looked like Viking longshoremen and aggressively lesbian punks. The art was so good he hadn’t had a chance yet to bring up Steven and his plan for Ben’s future.
“Fuck. It’s so cool. I don’t think Bash would let me have one though.” Shane’s body was bent ninety degrees over the railing, for the best view of the kiln as a man in thick gloves pulled a tray of molten glass out of the super oven.
“What would you do with a kiln?” Ryan was satisfied with his body firmly on this side of the railing.
“Did you see the pieces with the copper layered into the glass?” Shane waved toward the other side of the warehouse space where the artists were displaying the finished works from their demonstrations. “They’d look amazing inlaid into wood.”
“Maybe you can buy a couple of his pieces to try with, for less than a kiln would cost.” The railing dug into Ryan’s forearms. He stood upright and stretched his back.
Shane followed suit, his back cracking as he unfolded from the railing. “Ha! Probably the better idea. Anything else you want to see? Or should we go get a drink? You said you wanted to talk. We can go to that crazy cowboy bar in Fremont, since we’re on this side of the lake.”
As they headed for the door, one of the welders pushed back his mask and caught Ryan’s arm. “Ryan!”
“Leo?” The incongruity of an old lover here snatched away Ryan’s plan for what to say to Shane.
“Thought that was you! Hey, what are you up to? Was gonna go get high and have play party with some friends after this. You want to come?” He devoured Shane with his eyes. Chinese American, originally from somewhere near San Francisco, Leo was tightly muscled and stocky with a tough guy on the outside, kitten on the inside demeanor that made him very appealing. Though Shane towered over him, as he did most people, Leo could likely bench press Shane—who was no waif—if he wanted too. The rust suede of his welding jacket stretched across his biceps.
Ryan made introductions, watching as Leo clasped Shane’s hand too long, finger stroking his wrist.
Resisting the urge to step between them, Ryan said, “We’re doing, uh, one-on-one tonight. Maybe I’ll catch you again sometime.”
“Be nice to catch up,” Leo said before turning back to Shane. “Don’t let him spank you too hard. He’ll take you past your limits.”
Shane’s eyebrows shot up. “I’ll use my safe word.” He did his best to look earnest, but his smile curled to laughter as Leo walked away.
“So,” Shane said, once they were in the car. “Is that someone that you and Ben...” Shane trailed off, never comfortable talking about Ryan and Ben’s open relationship.
“No, Leo’s an old, uh, well, we were together briefly.”
“Since I knew you?”
“Yeah, after Jamie. It didn’t last very long.”
After Ryan’s romantic failures with Jamie and the few quick affairs that followed, Steven had suggested Ryan check the BDSM scene at the Cuff and the Eagle. Leo introduced Ryan to the concept of open relationships and taught him how to top a guy who wanted to be hurt. Unfortunately for Leo, Ryan learned that as much as he got off on domination, he didn’t like hurting people just for the sake of pain. And Leo’s heavy drug use while playing ended up being a deal breaker.
“I don’t remember meeting him.”
“It wasn’t an ‘introduce him to your friends’ kind of thing. We didn’t do a lot of talking.”
The neon sign at the Buckaroo Tavern was one of Seattle’s best: a loose cowboy, hanging on to a wild bucking bronco. It would have a made a great gay bar sign, but it was more of a roadhouse where bikers played pool, though it sat in a residential neighborhood. Tuesday night, meant parking right in front. Inside, they weren’t too out of place, Shane in his leather jacket, Ryan in his old Army flak jacket, just another couple dudes getting beers. The few people inside ignored them.
The jukebox kicked out Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire,” a distinct change from the heavy corporate guitar rock it had churned out before. No actual sawdust on the floor, but Ryan imagined the smell mixed in with stale smoke and old beer.
“What do you think about this Marcus and Jamie thing?” Shane stretched his legs out, leaning back in his chair. He looked more at home here than in Neighbours or R Place. They were settled into a dark corner behind the jukebox. Not that this bar had undark corners.
Ryan took a long swallow of his beer, using the time to weigh how much to share. The bottle thunked on the table. “Marcus told me he thought he’d been living Mitchell’s dream since he died, and it was time to do something for himself.”
“Oh, shit. Heavy.” Shane tagged at the label of his full beer bottle.
“Yeah. Speaking of jobs...”
Shane shifted, folding his legs under the table and sitting up straighter. “Are you looking for one? You aren’t giving up art, are you?”
“No, not me. Ben.”
“He didn’t tell me he was looking for a new job.”
“He isn’t. But don’t you think he’d be happier somewhere that didn’t work him long hours? Somewhere that appreciated him? So he had more time to do other things.”
Shane leaned back again and sipped his beer. “You guys doing okay?”
“Yeah. I keep thinking how we’re about to buy this apartment, like own a home together, and I don’t even know if we’ll ever be in it at the same time, except to sleep.”
“Truthfully, I’ve barely seen him outside a few lunch dates in the last few months. So yeah, I imagine it’s worse for you. Have you talked to him about changing jobs?”
“A little. Steven has a better job for Ben at his company. Lower hours. Higher pay. We’re going to surprise Ben with the offer.”
Shane tipped his beer bottle and rotated it on edge around the coaster. “That’s...Actually, that’s not a bad idea. It would probably be great for Steven too. And solve your time problem.”
Ryan relaxed, letting go of his worry that Shane might say something to shut down this plan. “You think it’s good idea?”
“I don’t know if he’ll love the surprise aspect, but I see your intent and he will too. It’d be good for both of you. I’ve been meaning to check in, after that thing at the gallery last month, and you and Jamie at Steven’s party. But Ben said you guys were okay.”
“We had a rough patch. Not Jamie or the girl at Eli’s show. Just—” What did Ryan want Shane to know? “Relationship stuff, and buying the apartment. I think we’ve worked most of it out. It’s the time constraint now. Which hopefully the new job will fix.”
“Buying your first place is stressful. When Bash and I bought our first house—well, the buying was easy enough. We got it super cheap. ‘Fixer upper’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. It was a dump.” Shane wiped the condensation off his beer bottle before taking a sip.
“I remember that place being really nice.”
“Eventually it was. I spent months, years actually, fixing it just right. But early on, Bash kept showing up with ideas he’d read somewhere or seen on This Old House and telling me how to do it. Like, as if it wasn’t my job, my actual how-we-paid-the-bills job, to fix up old houses. But suddenly, now that it was ours, he knew better than I did what do, despite having never picked up a hammer in his life.” Shane’s laugh joyously erased any lingering irritation. “Fucking engineers.”
“So you guys a fought a lot?” That they’d gotten through was obvious.
Shane nodded. “But for a while there, it was like he didn’t know who I was anymore, or maybe he’d become a different person. Truthfully, things had changed so much for us financially, after Bash got on at Boeing and I was getting real work, not just quick cash under the table from John’s friends, that we’d both changed a lot from where we began. We had to kind of come back together.”
“I don’t think it’s that extreme for me and Ben. We always planned to buy a place together. But having the timeline suddenly moved up brought up a bunch of other stuff.” Not strictly true, and Ryan had no way of knowing what Ben told Shane.
“It’s been a couple years, right? I’m saying it’s normal to want different things than when you started. Just, like, check your alignment. Make sure you’re communicating.”
“We communicate more than most people. You can’t maintain an open relationship without it.” Ryan’s standard response, but until he said all the things in his heart, and the words Ben needed to hear, was it really true?
“That’s great, then! It’s only work and timing.”
“Hopefully, the job offer works out and we can spend more time together.”
“You want to get home to him right now and start trying, don’t you?” Shane grinned and pulled out his keys.
Outside, on the way back to Capitol Hill, they cruised through foreign streets while in Ryan’s own city, neighborhoods he rarely visited.
“Don’t say anything to Ben about the job, please.”
“Got it.”
“Steven is going to have a dinner to make the offer, Friday after next. If he hasn’t already, he’ll call to invite you and Bash.”
“Looking forward to it.”