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DINNER WAS ON THE table when Ryan came in from work. He dropped his backpack on the hall floor under the coat hooks and walked into the kitchen. Ryan fretted for the whole day, rehearsing what he wanted to say, how he’d combine the conversations: laying out his sexual needs and refusing the fellowship. Now it was time to say it all.
“How was work?” Ben asked after they were settled in. Cokes and water instead of wine tonight. No tablecloth or cloth napkins, just folded paper towels.
It was a relief to have this be a normal night. Or normal until Ryan said his piece anyway. It reinforced the decision he’d made in the museum this morning.
“Work was okay. Literally counting down the days until I get this fucking thing off my hand.” Ryan tapped his cast on the table.
The small talk should have been the easy part of the night, but Ryan had only awkward answers as he navigated the undercurrent of something big right around the corner. Better to get it all out of the way.
Ryan swallowed half his Coke. The bubbles burned the back of his throat and his nose.
“I want to talk about the rules.”
“The rules.” It wasn’t a question. Ben’s shoulders inched up, though his face stayed passively bland.
“We agreed a long time ago about what happens with other people and how we’d approach things between us.”
“I remember.” Ben’s fork hovered above his plate.
“I don’t know if I’ve changed—or maybe we didn’t know each other or ourselves well enough back then. But I think we need to change those rules.”
“Change how?” Ben took a bite of his chicken and followed it with a slug of Coke.
“I rehearsed what I’m going to say all day. Let me get through this before you ask any questions, okay?”
“Okay.” Ben said.
“It’s important you know I’m not dissatisfied with you and anything that happened. That isn’t what this is about. You make me so happy. Sex between us is great. This is about me.” Ryan drained his Coke, his throat Sahara dry. “I don’t want to keep the kink outside our bedroom anymore. It might be good for both of us when it’s the two of us alone. I’m not saying I want to tie you up or anything. I just think something between us might change for the better if you submit to me.”
“Submit—”
Ryan held up a finger. He had to get through this.
“And I’m not saying I want to role play like we do with our tricks. I want this to be real. A way that I can care for you that I don’t now. Not asking to spank you or do anything you don’t want to do. Just me telling you what to do when we fuck, and you giving me complete control, trust on both sides. I want to be able to take care of you, like you do for me in so many ways. This is how I want to repay that.” Ryan caught his breath, worried that it sounded rehearsed, since he’d repeated it in his head so many times that day, and now only managed to spit out a fraction of what he intended. “And if it works for you, feels good, I hope it means a true exchange of the intimacy you need from me.”
Ben set down his fork and sat quietly, but his bland mask disappeared, replaced with fond affection. Ryan’s stomach unknotted enough to eat his dinner.
“Of course, I’ve thought about it,” Ben said. “I see you the way you are with the guys we bring home. You pull them out of themselves. It’s like a meditative exercise in mind-clearing through the loss of control. Or an emotional release. The care that you give them afterward...why wouldn’t I want that for me? I don’t think I was meant to be a Dom.”
Ryan’s heart raced with an adrenaline surge, euphoric after the nauseating push to get the words out.
“That’s good. Not about the Dom part. We need to talk this through and— ”
“Take a breath, Sunshine. It’s okay. I can one hundred percent be whatever you need me to be. When we started, I’d never played like this before, and I followed your lead. I top because people always ask me to. And fucking is awesome, but I like getting fucked too. And now that we’re this far down the road, at least for a while it might be nice to find out what else I might like.”
Joy bubbled up inside Ryan, a free-flowing relaxed glee mixed with fresh new anxieties from Ben’s words.
“I don’t want you to do it only for me. I want it to be something we both want, both enjoy. So if we do it and you don’t like it, we’ll stop.”
“Won’t know until we try.” Ben put his hand over Ryan’s, threading their fingers together.
“We don’t need to lay it out right now. We still need to think about what the new rules are going to be, and how we’re going to make this work now.”
“Sounds good to me.” Ben rubbed his thumb along the side of Ryan’s hand. “When you brought up the rules, I thought you were going to say we shouldn’t fuck other people anymore.”
“Do you want, uh, that?” Ryan’s relief flipped back to apprehension.
“Oh, god, no.”
They both laughed, relieved and awkward. Ryan always believed their open discussion of fucking other people was one of the better aspects of their relationship. What if Ben asked him to change it? He understood Ben’s tension through the first part of their conversation.
“But this isn’t a we-aren’t-doing-it, are-doing-it on-off switch.” Ben’s seriousness launched Ryan’s roller-coaster emotions again. “This is a wake-up call. We should have been checking in all along about status changes. So, this is the first check-in, and we’ll keep checking in to see how we feel.”
It was the only thing that made sense. Ryan nodded, squeezing Ben’s hand. He finished his water.
“So, that’s settled?”
“Not exactly,” Ryan said. “I’m not taking the fellowship. I need you to understand that when you agree to this status change with me. This isn’t ‘let’s play around’ for a couple of months until I leave. This means changing how everything works for the long haul.”
“Not surprised.” Ben released Ryan’s hand and speared the last of his chicken. “I get it. A lot of things are going on now that I didn’t foresee when I applied for you. I wish you could run off on an artistic ideal, but timing is everything.”
“I know you meant only a wonderful surprise for me. I’m glad you think that much of me, and it’s amazing to know that my art is good enough to earn this.” Five days ago, they sat in these exact seats with confusion and anger unfurling between them. This calm conclusion steered them back to the quiet domestic peace Ryan wanted, the way signing the papers on the apartment had not. This was the proper direction for securing their future together, here in the openness Ben asked for.
“I guess that’s the cue for me to tell my news,” Ben said.
Ryan hoped this conversation was the beginning of a sea change in their relationship, everything better; yet he knew what Ben was going to say.
“You’re not taking Steven’s job.”
“It’s not the right time. The investment I have in my job is going to be more secure than going with a new company. Not that I don’t think Steven will succeed. It’s a gut feeling about where I need to be right now.”
“Okay.” Ryan spun through the disappointment of trying this new relationship if they never saw each other.
“I had lunch with my boss today to talk about what the future looks like.” Ben paused, his eyes glittering, the corners of his mouth twitching. His face revealing that a big surprise was coming. It intrigued Ryan that Ben didn’t announce it right away while so obviously pleased with himself. “Pulled myself out of the running for a promotion this year. They’re going to split the extra work I’ve been doing between three junior execs since they’re looking to move up. This won’t hurt my future chances, but when it comes up, you and I will talk about it beforehand, to decide if it’s a time when we can bear the extra work.”
“That means no more long days?” Dinner truly was the wrong time for this conversation. His roller-coaster emotions weren’t at all conducive to eating.
“Yes, and maybe a few shorter days, just because. Turns out I’m good enough at my job that they want to keep me even when I give them conditions.”
“I knew that. Steven knew that. That’s why he wanted you on his team.”
“Yeah.” Ben frowned. “I’ll call him tomorrow.”
“He’ll understand.” Ryan slid back into his chair. Steven would, since he wanted Ryan to have more time with Ben. This was so much more than Ryan hoped for out of tonight.
This was cause for celebration. Ryan gauged Ben’s mood. Positively cheerful. He’d changed into an old t-shirt when he got home, but Ben looked better in a t-shirt than anybody else. And it was easier to remove. Maybe Ryan didn’t have to wait to negotiate their next play.
“Are you done? I’ll wash the plates.” Ryan didn’t want to initiate their new sexual intimacy at the kitchen table. Ben deserved at least the comfort of the sofa.
“I know I said I wasn’t working long hours, but I did bring some paperwork I have to finish off tonight to pass off to other people. I got most of it done before you got home, but I still have a little left.”
“Go get started. I’ll clean up in here, since you cooked.”
Ben blocked Ryan from grabbing the plates, stepping in close and sliding his arms around Ryan’s waist. He kissed up Ryan’s neck, ending on his ear. “The future is going to be good,” he said.
◊
When the dishes were done, Ben’s papers were still spread in front of him on the coffee table. Ryan left him to it and went into the studio.
Without the constant background hum of the stress of the fellowship, Ben’s job, and what might happen between them if Ryan asked for what he wanted, his brain was suddenly free and bursting with the artistic ideas that began in the museum that morning.
Ryan rolled up his sleeves, intending to make quick work of the best ideas freshly released from the back of his brain.
He set up a canvas and mixed an umber wash, sketching from memory what had been humming at the edges of his mind for a long time. It was tangentially tied to the Chao painting he recalled that morning, transforming the historic into modern and giving a past connection to the present.
After an hour, he got the sketch wash onto the canvas. Not perfect but the foundation he needed. He cleaned the brushes and cracked the window to get the turpentine smell out of the room.
In the living room, Ben read John le Carré in his easy chair. He laid the book aside as soon as Ryan came in.
“Bedtime?”
Ryan assessed Ben again in his fitted-but-worn blue jeans and grey t-shirt.
“If you don’t have an early day tomorrow, there is something I’d like to show you in the bedroom.”
Ben raised an eyebrow and got up to follow Ryan.
Ryan backed Ben up against the door, kissing hard, forcing Ben’s mouth open until they both breathed heavily, entangled hands everywhere. The need for ownership pulsed in Ryan’s chest. Ben was his. Ben could kiss whomever he wanted, but only Ryan could kiss him like this, claiming him.
Ben tipped back, knocking his head on the door. “We’re doing this now?”
“Unless you want to stop.”
“My plan was to tell you about my conversation with my boss today and hope for make-up sex, but this works too.”
“Any time you want to stop, tell me.”
“Don’t stop.” Ben tilted eagerly back against Ryan’s mouth, opening and licking his tongue across Ryan’s teeth.
Wedging his knee between Ben’s thighs, hands under Ben’s shirt, Ryan raked his nails over hot skin, never losing contact with Ben’s mouth. Ben rolled his hips and ground hard against Ryan, then moaned, one hand falling to Ryan’s neck, while the other tugged Ryan’s shirttails out. The heat of Ben’s hand was a catalyst, goading Ryan forward. He twisted his hips, pleased to find Ben hard.
Sliding his tongue over Ben’s, Ryan traced the ivory edges of his teeth, biting gently and tugging at Ben’s lower lip until Ben tipped his head back, exposing the column of his throat. Ryan’s blood hummed and pounded through him. He licked and sucked along Ben’s jaw down to his neck, savoring the hammering pulse there. Ben writhed, pushing back as Ryan bit hard into the tendon between Ben’s neck and shoulder.
Ben’s hands were under Ryan’s shirt, exploring his skin, fingers digging into his muscles. Between them, Ryan palmed Ben’s cock, pressing roughly, then rubbing back in gentle circles. Ben cried out into Ryan’s mouth.
Ryan stroked harder, his mouth now at Ben’s ear. “Get on the bed.”
Ben moved to obey, but Ryan kissed him deeply again, wanting Ben to remember he belonged to him, even if they didn’t touch for a second, a minute, a week. Releasing him, Ryan lightly shoved Ben toward the bed.
“Clothes off. Except your underwear.”
“Demanding.” Ben’s eyes were aflame in the dim room.
Ryan didn’t answer, just stripped off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, watching as Ben undressed.
Ryan wore only his trousers when Ben finished stripping, revealing new briefs. He crowded in on Ben, steering him to the bed. Ryan ran a finger along Ben’s abdomen, under the waistband of his underwear.
“Black silk?” Black or anything as impractical as silk was completely unexpected on Ben, who was a plain-cotton-in-a-four-pack kind of guy.
Ben’s mouth twitched into a suggestive smile that Ryan didn’t recognize. “I was planning on make-up sex. You didn’t get to see me in my tux last night, and you’re always telling me I should wear black more.” Ben cocked his hip, then turned, giving Ryan a good view of his ass tightly covered in shimmery black.
Ben’s wantonness scrambled all Ryan’s better impulses leaving him aching to draw out Ben’s desire until he was desperate and only Ryan could slake his need.
Ryan shoved his trousers down and tossed them aside.
“On the bed.”
Ben fell back on to the bed and scooted up to the center, leaning back on his elbows.
“Touch yourself.”
Ben’s hands slid down his stomach, fingers pushing beneath the waistband.
“No. Only outside.” Ryan avoided over-thinking getting what he wanted. Just go, just do, while you can, before the dream ends.
Palm flat against his dick, Ben rubbed in slow circles. Ryan had watched Ben masturbate before, in front of tricks, while watching porn, warming up in bed together, but never at Ryan’s demand, with Ben’s dick rising only for him. Ben’s leg jiggled, and he shifted restlessly under Ryan’s gaze.
Ryan stretched on the bed and pressed his mouth over Ben’s, more possessive than a simple kiss.
“I like you in black,” he said against Ben’s lips before seizing his mouth in a hard kiss while sliding them both down flat on the bed.
Ben drew the kiss out, arching his back, bare chest against Ryan’s, as Ryan’s tongue explored Ben’s mouth. Ben opened to him, pulling Ryan in as he rolled them until Ryan was on top. Ben’s arousal heated Ryan through the thin layer of silk.
Ryan straddled Ben, his hips pressing his dick down against Ben’s erection. He shifted experimentally, the slip of silk grazing Ryan’s dick, like it had on Ben all night while waiting for Ryan to get home. Ben tipped his hips so Ryan’s cock dropped to rest in the crack of Ben’s ass.
Locking eyes with Ryan, Ben ran his finger up the length of his cock, stretching the tissue-thin silk. He rubbed his thumb over the head of his cock, a small wet spot of pre-come making the silk darker and glossy.
Ryan sat up and grabbed Ben’s thighs, yanked him hard. One fast motion dropping Ben flat on his back, his legs up over Ryan’s shoulders.
Ryan mouthed the wet spot on Ben’s briefs, soaking the silk with his own saliva all the way down Ben’s hard length. Staccato whimpers huffed from Ben with each breath, speeding up when Ryan’s teeth nipped and tugged at the black silk. Ryan lifted Ben’s hips further up, working his way down until the silk over Ben’s ass was soaked. The silk was rougher wet. Ben’s whimpers ratcheted up to moans and half-formed words as Ryan tongued Ben’s hole through the wet fabric.
Mouth back on Ben’s cock, Ryan pushed the silk-covered tip of his finger into Ben’s ass. Ryan’s teeth tugged at the waistband until it slipped down, freeing the head of Ben’s cock. He licked the exposed skin while tucking the waist band behind Ben’s balls and then licking each one before sucking them.
The heady scent of Ben’s arousal stoked Ryan’s further. Ben jerked and shifted, trying get more contact, driven to distraction, no longer in control of his own body, simply responding. Ben’s body tensed, and Ryan abruptly pulled back, keeping him teetering at the brink. Ben let out an anguished moan when cool air covered his balls instead of Ryan’s hot mouth.
Ryan lifted Ben’s legs down off his shoulders. He reached for the bedside table, piling lube and condoms by Ben’s shoulder. He tugged Ben’s soaked briefs off and bent him in half, until Ben’s knees were at his shoulders, legs spread wide, ass exposed.
“Hold them there, and don’t move.”
Ben wrapped a hand around each knee, trembling faintly with the strain.
Ryan generously coated both his hands in lube. Ben laid out before him eagerly anticipating, which left Ryan so hard his cock laid flat against his stomach.
“Want you thinking only of me, only of when I’ll let you come. Fuck, B, the things I want to do to you.”
“Want you so bad.” Ben panted out the words, his hips shifting arching up toward Ryan, veins popping across the backs of his hands where he gripped his knees.
“Want me to what?”
“Just touch me.”
One lube-slick hand covered Ben’s dick. With the other hand, Ryan pushed all four fingers, flat and wide across Ben’s hole, spreading his cheeks. Ben eyelids fluttered, his eyes rolling. His tongue darted out and slicked his lips.
“Are you going to be good for me, B?” Ryan’s breath caught as he pushed the tips of two lubed fingers into Ben’s ass.
“I’m trying.” Ben’s breath hitched into a gasp when Ryan slipped his fingers deeper. Ben’s thighs muscle trembled, and he wiggled his hips, shifting with each new press of Ryan’s hand.
“You can’t be still like I asked? Can’t control yourself?”
Ben swallowed hard and shook his head. His chest heaved, and his debauched pink mouth, flaming cheeks, made Ryan want to push him further.
Ryan released Ben’s dick and massaged the muscles in Ben’s thighs, pressing the tension of out them while he fingered Ben’s hole, tracing the edge of it, then dipping his fingers back in. Ben hummed his pleasure, his legs spread wider, hands still holding his knees to shoulders.
Tracing his fingers lightly on Ben’s dick, Ryan dug harder into the lines of muscle at Ben’s hips, scratched across Ben’s abs. Ryan wiped the pooling pre-come off Ben’s stomach. He put those fingers to Ben’s lips, pressing for entry. Ben opened and eagerly sucked, sighing wistfully when Ryan pulled back.
Ben’s expression was new, gloriously unfamiliar to Ryan. Awestruck was too mild. Slack-jawed, ardent, and carnal. Ben’s shining eyes, round and wide, locked on Ryan while his cheeks flushed high, feverish and aroused. His kiss-bitten mouth, wet from joining with Ryan’s, formed a deep-pink invitation to Heaven.
Ryan had done this: broken through and released an unrecognizable Ben, fervent and luscious. He wanted to push it until Ben’s desire for him was anguish, until they set each other on fire. He ripped open a condom and rolled it on, holding the base of his cock tightly, to keep his own rushing passion under control.
“Ready?”
Ben barely managed a nod, his eyes still on Ryan, who entered Ben slowly, letting him adjust, an inch at a time until his ass was pressed to the crease at the top of Ryan’s thighs. Ryan rocked slowly, relishing Ben’s tight heat.
Five heartbeats. Ten. The rhythm of their breathing matched each roll of Ryan’s hips, speeding as he pushed the pace.
“Fuck me.” Ben’s voice was ground-up concrete and darkness. Ben bucked up, doing his best to fuck back from his prone position. Ryan tugged at the dark hair curling over Ben’s chest, twisted his nipples, raked his nails down Ben’s sides. Ben clenched on each stroke until Ryan was barely able to hold back.
Ryan folded his body over Ben’s, thrusting, frenzied, chest to chest, unable tell their heartbeats apart. This is it, the end, pinnacle, zenith. They couldn’t be closer than at that moment. Ryan covered Ben’s mouth with own, forcing his tongue in, slowing their breathing, their tempo, attempting to hold on to this feeling forever.
But ravenous for Ben, he couldn’t hold them still for long. Ryan crushed Ben’s mouth savagely, teeth to lips, cramming every part of himself into Ben, hips jerking rapidly.
Ben gripped his cock once, hard, and shot slick semen over his hand, his hip, Ryan’s stomach, on the bed.
“Fuck.” Ben, still catching his breath, eyes on Ryan to make sure he was watching, licked his own come off his hand.
Thrusting into the yielding heat, the deep connection of Ben taking him, surrounding him, Ryan ached with need. Each sweet stroke was like falling, reaching, and having your hand close on nothing. Ben’s breathing, his fuck-flushed cheeks, and come-sticky lips stoked an endless burn of arousal, but never quite fulfilling until everything greyed out.
Ryan shuddered through the thunderous twist of orgasm. He came in a flash, an inferno ripping through his body and flaring red behind his eyes. Pleasure tore through him, taking everything with it as it passed, leaving him weak and blank. It took a second to remember where he was, until Ben’s legs wrapped around his hips, arms around his waist.
Ryan blinked slowly. He laid his hand over Ben’s throat and kissed him carefully, returning all the sweet joy Ben just gave him. When Ryan broke the kiss, Ben’s eyes were closed. Ryan gently stroked his thumb across Ben’s eyelids, then kissed each one before pulling Ben close. Not close enough. Nothing could be after what they shared.
Ryan tucked Ben’s hair behind his ear and trailed tiny kisses across his face, whispering between each one. “You. Are. So. Fucking. Amazing. Thank you for being so good. Just want to make you forget every care but my touch, until nothing exists and you can just come for me.”
“It was easy. Fuck. The way you were looking at me.”
“How?” Another kiss.
Ben’s contented sigh grazed Ryan’s collarbone. “Like you want to devour me and love me forever at the same time.”
“I do. I will.” Two more soft kisses.
“No big promises. Just warn me next time, so I’m ready for how intense this is.” Ben yawned.
Ryan stroked down Ben’s chest. “I’ll warn you now: the next time is going to be so much more than this.”