Chapter 6

 

Thomas slept little after seeing Maddie to her bedchamber just before one o’clock in the morning. He’d lain in bed staring up at the ceiling, listening to Kit’s breathing fill the silence as he relived every moment of the evening with Maddie. She’d been warm and soft in his arms, calling him “my love” and looking at him like he was the only man in the world for her. Thomas tried to remember the last time he’d been this euphoric, but nothing he’d previously experienced even came close.

By the time the sun began to peek over the horizon, Thomas had decided to ask for Maddie’s hand in marriage. Not right away, no matter how badly he wanted to. With a decision this important, it was prudent to wait and make sure what he thought he wanted was truly what he wanted. And Maddie deserved that same opportunity. He had no schedule to keep, but perhaps he could find some time alone with her on Twelfth Night. They could take a walk together back to that copse of trees where he first held her, and he could ask her there.

He finally drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face and the scent of her perfume still clinging to his shirt.

The next thing he knew, Kit was shaking him awake with instructions to wash and dress for church.

“Already?” he croaked.

“Late night?” Kit grinned.

Thomas pulled himself to a sitting position and rubbed his eyes. “Yes.”

“Was it worth it?”

Thomas felt his mouth pull into what was probably a foolish smile and nodded. “Yes.”

“Good,” Kit replied. “I’ll remind you of that when you begin nodding off at dinner.”

Thomas managed to stay awake during the service despite the vicar’s determination to put everyone to sleep. He also made it through the afternoon meal, trading sly glances with his beloved across the table. But once the meal was finished, he retired to his bedchamber hoping to snatch a couple of hours’ sleep before the evening’s celebrations began.

Once again, Thomas had a difficult time falling asleep. But this time it wasn’t euphoria that kept him awake—it was fear.

What happened if Maddie said yes to his proposal? After the excitement died down and they began making arrangements for the wedding, for their life together...what then? The reason he had no schedule to keep was because he no longer had a way to make a living. He had a little money put by, certainly, but not enough to support two people. Maddie would have a dowry, too, but he doubted it was a large one. Would it be enough for them to live on?

Probably not.

He rose from the bed and stumbled over to the little writing desk in the corner of the room. He couldn’t ask Maddie to marry him until he could support her, and he couldn’t support her until he found work again. The only logical thing to do, then, was to begin writing letters. Someone he knew, or who had known his uncle, might be in need of a clerk and the only way to find out was to ask.

He was still hunched over the desk when Kit came to fetch him for dinner some hours later.

“I thought you wanted to sleep,” his brother said, swinging the chamber door open wide.

“I did,” Thomas replied, not looking up from his work, “but I couldn’t.”

“Well, everyone is gathering in the parlor. You still have a few minutes to dress for dinner, but I’d hurry if I were you.” Kit gave him a playful slap on the back. “If I can distract mother long enough, you’ll be able to sit beside Maddie tonight.”

Thomas lifted his head, meeting his brother’s eyes but not really seeing them. “Yes, that sounds good.”

He returned to the letter he was composing, determined to finish it before he did anything else. He could walk into the village first thing tomorrow to post it and the others he’d completed.

“I’ll see you downstairs, then, I suppose,” Kit muttered, shrugging his shoulders as he exited the room.

“I’ll be down shortly,” Thomas called belatedly after his brother.

He managed to find a clean shirt and his best tailcoat, washing hurriedly in the basin before changing his clothing and dashing down the staircase. The assemblage was just about to go in to dinner when he arrived in the parlor, and Kit had their mother on his arm.

“Excellent,” Thomas said under his breath, approaching Maddie. “May I?” he asked her, offering his arm.

Her grin was as large and foolish as his had been the night before. “Yes,” she said softly, twining her arm with his.

She was wearing a green gown tonight, but he could smell delicate roses about her instead of her usual perfume, reminding him of the little bottle and accompanying flower he’d hidden away in his bedchamber. If they could find some time alone together tonight, he could give them to her. Even better if he could locate that bit of mistletoe he’d scavenged the day before.

But first, he had more letters to write. He already had letters for his uncle’s friends in Edinburgh, but there were other people who might be able to help. Thomas’s father had lived in London for some years before marrying—perhaps his mother would remember something of her late husband’s friends and business associates.

“Did you hear me?”

“Hmm?”

He glanced in the direction the voice had come from and found Maddie staring at him, her brows lifted in inquiry. “Oh, my apologies. I missed the last thing you said.”

“I think you missed everything I said,” she replied, placing a slice of roast goose on her plate. “Where is your head today, Thomas?”

“Stuck on practical matters, I’m afraid,” he said, poking a bit of carrot with his fork.

“Anything I should know about?”

He shook his head, not wanting to have this particular conversation surrounded by their families. “Not at the moment.”

Her eyes flicked back to his and held his gaze, then returned to her food. “Later, then.”

He speared the carrot and popped it into his mouth. “Perhaps.”

~*~

What had happened to her affectionate, attentive Thomas? When Kit said his brother hadn’t slept well the night before, Maddie brushed off Thomas’s aloofness as fatigue. But dinner progressed and the families moved into the parlor for whatever evening entertainment her mother had cooked up, and Thomas still seemed far away.

Well, there was no rule that said he had to hang on her every word, was there? Neither would she want him to. But such an abrupt change from his demeanor the previous evening made Maddie wonder if something bigger was afoot.

She waited for a break in the revels—singing carols and sharing stories of Christmases past—to try to draw him away from the group for a quick word.

“Thomas, could you help me with something?” she asked, tapping a finger on his shoulder to gain his attention.

“Perhaps Kit should help you,” her mother responded from her place on the sofa.

“No, Mama, I need Thomas for this.”

His eyes swung to hers and he flashed her a smile—a genuine, warm smile of the kind she’d come to expect from him. “I am at your service.”

“Thank you,” she said, returning the smile. “It’s this way.”

Maddie gestured toward the door and Thomas followed her into the hallway, giving her an odd look when she continued on toward the dining room.

“What exactly do you need my help with?” he asked, trailing behind her.

“Nothing,” she replied sheepishly, pushing open the dining room door and tugging him inside. “I merely wanted a moment alone with you.”

She reached for his hand and he allowed her to take it, but his posture was rigid, the expression on his face somewhere between discomfort and fear.

“Thomas, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing you need concern yourself about.”

Maddie held his hand in both of hers, taking a step closer to him as she studied his features. “If something has upset you, then it concerns me. I’d like to help if I can.”

“Nothing has upset me,” he snapped back.

She flinched, releasing his hand. “Yes, I can see that.”

“I’m sorry, darling,” he said softly, reaching for her hand and clasping it once more. “I’m just having a difficult time dealing with my sudden lack of employment.”

Well that certainly made sense. What would she do if someone sent her a letter saying she no longer had access to a home or the basic necessities of life? She certainly wouldn’t be cheerful about it.

“I have some news that may help,” she said, a hopeful note in her voice. “There was a letter from my grandmother in the post you brought home. Her current companion is to be married, and she wants me to come live with her in the companion’s place.”

“How is that helpful?” Thomas seemed genuinely curious, though there was a hard edge to the question.

Maddie took a breath and held it for an extra fraction of a second. “In addition to the pin money I have from Papa, I’d have a small wage from Gran, too. She only lives a few miles away, so if you stayed with Kit you could...” She let her voice trail off and tried to scrutinize his expression again. “Are you listening to me, Thomas?”

“Yes,” he replied with a weary air. “You’re saying that because I can’t provide for you, you’re going to work for a living yourself.”

“What?” For the second time, Maddie broke physical contact with him. “No—this is as much for Gran as it is for anything else. She needs someone to look after her, and she doesn’t want to leave the house my grandfather built for her.” She squinted slightly, confused by his lack of empathy. “I thought you’d understand that. The money is just an added benefit.”

“What am I to do in the meantime?” he asked, pulling out a chair from the dining table and dropping onto it. “Am I to wait until you’ve saved enough money? Then you’ll propose marriage to me?”

She took a step back, her voice quiet when she answered. “You could live with Kit, and give lessons in Latin and Greek until you find something more to your liking.”

His only response was to sigh and look past her, and Maddie could feel her hands clenching into fists. “What difference does it make where the money comes from, Thomas? The sooner we save enough, the sooner we can be together.”

“Will you still want to be with me when I’m a bitter man who can’t provide for his own wife? Because that is likely what I’ll become without a real place in the world.”

She took another breath, a deep one this time, and let it out slowly. “If I’m earning money, you’ll have time to find yourself a new situation. Can’t you see that? Then you’ll be able to find employment that fulfills you, my Gran will be cared for, and we won’t have to wait so long to be wed. That is, if you actually want to marry me.”

“Perhaps you’d be better off with another man,” he replied in a voice devoid of emotion. “Wasn’t that your plan all along?”

Maddie felt as if she’d been struck. She instinctively covered her heart with her hand as if to protect a wound there. “My plan was to find someone who wasn’t Kit; someone who would love me and who I could love in return, who would be my partner in life,” she choked out. “I thought I had succeeded.”

“You have succeeded in finding a man with no livelihood, Maddie,” he returned quietly. “I saw you in the village, flitting from shop to shop. You were enjoying yourself immensely. How much will you enjoy wearing the same two dresses all the time because we can’t afford new clothing? Or having no books to read because we’ve sold them all to pay for food?”

“Thomas—”

“I don’t think you’ve thought this through,” he continued, rising from the chair. “It doesn’t matter how much we might love each other if we don’t have enough money to live on. And I don’t need to be reminded of how little I have to offer you every day of our lives. Perhaps you should marry my brother after all—he, at least, would be able to take proper care of you.”

He strode from the room, shutting the door carefully behind him, leaving Maddie alone with the furniture.

“I think that was the end of our courtship,” she told the table, running a finger over its smooth, cold surface. “Thomas, like all the others, thinks I belong with Kit.”