Chapter 7

 

Instead of returning to the parlor and rejoining the two families, Thomas continued on to the staircase and made for the bedchamber he shared with his brother. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do there, only that the very last thing he wanted was to sing songs and celebrate.

He entered the room and sat down on his bed, bracing his hands against the mattress. What had just happened? What had he done?

He’d put his own feelings aside for Maddie’s future happiness—that’s what he had done. The Haywards weren’t wealthy, but the status Maddie would sink to as Thomas’s wife was more than he could bear. She deserved better than he could give her. She deserved better than him.

A knock sounded on the door a split second before the door swung open. “Are you well, brother?”

“Go away, Kit.”

“I’ll take that as a no.” Kit entered the room and closed the door behind him. “What happened? I found Maddie crying in the dining room.”

Thomas tried to ignore the stabbing pain in his chest and concentrate on getting Kit out of there. He knew that if he didn’t give his brother at least some information, Kit would remain in the room until he wrung out every detail. “I set Maddie free.”

“You what?”

“I told her she was better off with a man who had more money than I do.”

Kit stood in the center of the room, staring at Thomas. “Why would you do such a foolish thing? I thought you loved her.”

“I did it because I love her,” Thomas replied, unwilling to lift his gaze from the carpet. “Perhaps I’ll find employment again and save enough money to support a wife, but she shouldn’t have to sit by and wait to see if that happens.”

“Did you ask her what she wanted?”

Thomas’s gaze dropped lower, to a stocking peeking out from underneath his bed. “She wants to become a paid companion for her grandmother, to make money when I can’t.”

Kit grunted at that. “And that hurt your pride.”

His tone was gentler, more understanding, and Thomas ventured a glance at his brother. “Quite possibly. But that’s not what this is about.”

“No. It’s about your insecurities, isn’t it?” Kit crossed his arms over his chest and frowned down at Thomas. “Things were actually going well with Maddie. I may have been keeping my distance, but I saw the two of you together enough to know your feelings for her were growing...and mutual. Then you stumble over one stupid rock in your path and you quit the race altogether.”

Thomas took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he stood, starting a list in his mind of the things he would need to take with him. If he couldn’t get rid of Kit, then he would remove himself from the house. “There was no race, Kit.”

“I know that—it’s a metaphor. A poor one, perhaps, but never mind. The point is that at the first sign of trouble, you gave up.”

Thomas found his hat and winter gloves, tossing them on the bed, and attempted to don his greatcoat. The deuced thing was acting as if it had a mind of its own. “I didn’t want to let her go, Kit.”

“I believe you.” Kit stepped aside as Thomas flung his arm out in an effort to tame his coat. “But it was easier to do that than to face your problems, wasn’t it? How afraid are you to allow someone to depend on you?”

Thomas looked at his brother, then yanked on the lapels of the greatcoat. “I can’t have Maddie without money.”

“You can’t have Maddie if you’re unwilling to work through your troubles, either.”

Thomas rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond. The famous Mathison stubborn streak was rising up again—likely in both of them—and he was not in the mood to waste his time.

Kit went on with his lecture as if Thomas was a dolt completely incapable of intelligent thought. “She presented you with a perfectly good way for the two of you to be together, and you pretended as though it was beneath you. Do you know how much that hurt her?”

Thomas felt the pain in his chest again—the last thing he’d ever want to do was hurt Maddie. He shoved the thought away, though, and continued dressing to go outdoors. What he needed right now was to get away from here, away from the judgment of his brother and the wreck of his dreams. If Maddie truly wanted him, she wouldn’t have been so quick to throw his inadequacies in his face.

Perhaps she didn’t want him that badly after all.

He picked up his heavy winter gloves from the bed and pulled them on. “Does she know how much she’s hurt me?”

Thomas snatched up his hat from his bed and marched out the door. He heaved a sigh of relief when he made it to the front door of the house without seeing anyone else about—the only thing he wanted right then was to be alone.

He walked the two miles to his childhood home at full speed, hoping to burn off some of the anger and pain that boiled inside him. But they only seemed to build. Perhaps he should have expected Maddie to act the way she did—he was, after all, a second son with nothing but his mother’s love, and one couldn’t pay the rent with that.

But Thomas had expected his brother to take his side, and Kit had sided with her. That hurt more than Thomas was willing to admit.

“I really shouldn’t be surprised, though,” he said to the front door of the old house as he put the key in the lock and turned it. “If he hadn’t been so partial to her, none of this would have happened in the first place.”

Thomas burst into the house and shut the door firmly behind him, blocking out that thought as well. He was in an untenable situation. He wished he’d never kissed Maddie, never caressed her, never opened his heart to her. He couldn’t quite bring himself to wish he’d never met her, but how much less painful would the loss of his employment—and his ability to make his own way in life—be if he’d never come to Kent this Christmas?

Would his uncle’s departure have hurt if Thomas had stayed in Edinburgh? Absolutely.

“But I didn’t stay,” he said through gritted teeth. “I came here and found love. This was my chance to have everything I wanted, and it’s gone.”

He stomped around the house collecting firewood, kindling, and a tinderbox, shucking his outer garments as he went, the vigorous movement warming him even in the chilly house. Once he got the fire going, Thomas found himself unable to sit still. Well, Kit had showed him how to make some of the small repairs—perhaps that would be a good way to spend the rest of the evening.

Then at least something good would come of the day.

~*~

Maddie ran into her chamber and threw herself down on her bed, frustration boiling over into anger. Why wouldn’t Thomas just listen to her? Maybe working as her grandmother’s companion wasn’t going to bring in a lot of money, but it would certainly help. And he’d dismissed the idea as if she’d insulted him by even suggesting it. Was this just a one-time occurrence? Or was this how he would always treat her when there was a problem?

If this was how he dealt with setbacks, then perhaps it was better that they parted.

A knock sounded on her door, and she slid off the bed to answer it. When she saw her best friend waiting with open arms, her throat became tight again.

“I know I’m supposed to keep my distance,” he said, his voice low and serious, “but I thought you might need a friendly ear and a good hug tonight.”

“I heard footsteps and the front door, and assumed that was Thomas leaving. You didn’t go with him?”

Kit dropped his empty arms and shook his head. “He’s my brother and I love him, but in this case he’s being an ass. I don’t know what got into him.”

Maddie opened the door wider and gestured Kit inside. “He’s more interested in money than he is in me.”

“I doubt that very much,” Kit replied, closing the door behind him. “I probably shouldn’t be telling his secrets, but in this case I think it’s justified. He’s loved you for some time now, and he was over the moon when you two decided to pursue a romantic relationship.”

Her heart did a little flip—Thomas loved her!—until she recalled the way he’d reacted to Gran’s offer. “He’s not acting like it.”

“I know.” Kit held out his arms again. “And I’m sorry for it.”

Maddie finally allowed herself to embrace her friend, letting the comfort and relief of his arms push the turmoil from her mind. “You aren’t the one who should be sorry, Kit, but I appreciate the thought.”

He gave her a squeeze and pulled back a little to look her in the eyes. “Is there anything I can do?”

“You’re doing it,” she said, giving him a weak smile.

“All right, then.” He pulled her close again and rested his cheek against her temple. “I’ll just stay right here until you tell me to go.”

“Good.” And it was good. She’d missed Kit so much these past weeks, but she missed Thomas now, too. If he hadn’t been such an ass, as Kit had called him, he would be the one holding her tonight. “Do you think he’ll come around, Kit?”

“I certainly hope so. No one could love you mo—”

She drew back and tried to read the expression on his face, but he wasn’t looking at her. “What?” Maddie followed his gaze and discovered her parents standing just inside the open door, her mother’s hand still on the knob.

“Is it official now?” her mother asked, clasping her hands to her chest. “Have you said yes?”

Maddie knew she should have leaped away from Kit, should have tried to explain the situation. But if months and months of protest hadn’t convinced her parents that she wasn’t going to marry Kit, a last minute denial wouldn’t either. She suddenly felt weary of the whole thing and bowed her head against Kit’s chest, closing her eyes.

Her mother, predictably, exclaimed her happiness and ran off to find Mrs. Mathison. Maddie heard her father say something to Kit about settlements in a gruff voice, then he, too, was gone.

“You didn’t contradict them,” Kit said softly when they were alone again. “Do you want to wed me, Maddie?”

“Would it really be so bad?” Her voice was low, small, as if she didn’t want anyone to truly hear what she was saying. “Everyone would finally stop nagging us about it.”

He gripped her chin firmly and tilted her head up to meet his blue eyes, so like his brother’s. “That is a poor reason to choose a spouse, Maddie Hayward, and you know it.”

He was right, of course, but she tried again anyway. “Would it be so awful to have me as your wife? Nothing about our relationship would have to change,” she added quickly. “We could carry on as we always have, just living in the same house together.”

Kit released her chin, then released her body from his embrace. “We could. If that was what you truly wanted. It would mean you’d never have the chance to work things out with Thomas. And there would be no children.”

Maddie’s mind wandered back to her conversation with Thomas by the bonfire at the Midwinter Fête and the image of his curly-haired family. She’d unconsciously placed herself in that picture over the past few days, smiling brightly back at Thomas as he taught the children to fish. But that’s all it would be if she and Kit were wed—an image in her mind. Kit would most certainly make a good father, but they would have to share a bed to produce children. Yet the thought of even kissing Kit made her mildly nauseated. She loved him, certainly, but as her friend not her lover.

He must have sensed her hesitation, because he set his hands on her shoulders and bent his head to catch her eye. “Would you like some time to think about it?”

“No,” she answered immediately. She was sick unto death of thinking about marriage with Kit. Then, “Wait, yes. I would like some time to think about it, and I suspect you would, too. If we’re going to do this, we’d better both be sure about it.”

“Indeed.” He smiled and gave her shoulders a squeeze. “I’ll leave you to your thoughts for the night, then. But if you should need anything, I am just a couple of doors away.”

“Thank you.”

Maddie watched as he let himself out then flopped back onto her bed, staring up at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. She didn’t know if Thomas would ever speak to her again, nor was she sure she wanted him to at the moment, even though he’d all but professed his love for her and she for him. Instead, she was actually considering giving in to the pressure society and their families had been putting on her for months—perhaps years—and marrying Kit.

How had things progressed to this point?

Wedding Kit would be the easy way out, of course. She would have a home, a companion she cared for, the independence she longed for, and the ease of never having to worry about money. But if that was all she wanted out of life, she could live out her days with Gran and never think of marriage again.

Did she want more? Did she deserve more?

Did Kit?

If she married Kit, she wouldn’t just be sacrificing her own chance at love but his, too.

She rolled onto her stomach and buried her face in the red counterpane. Life had been so much easier when the worst thing she could think of was catching a bigger fish than her best friend.